What I am about to write comes from the depth of my heart. It could be that it is fragmented and seemingly unrelated and I just want to give you fair warning before you attempt to read on. Apparently springtime is about renewal and rebirth on more then just the ‘chickie’ and ‘ducky’ level. As I ‘surf’ blogdom I have found many others who are contemplating and re-evaluating and trying to redefine their dot of earth, their place in the world, if you will.
One of the demons that haunt me is the defeat and failure associated with infertility. It gives me so much hope to be surrounded, by others, unseen but NOT unheard, in ‘blogdom’ who have experiences they are willing to share on this topic. Frankly, I was amazed at the honest outpouring I have read since arriving here, three short months ago.
Here is my story, it comes from my heart, so excuse my emotion and frankness and remember…this is also my journal.
WHO: My God-appointed husband and I.
WHAT: Desire for a baby/child.
WHEN: We’ve never done anything to prevent it though I suppose the “yearning” didn’t start until we moved to Oklahoma in 2001, I was 37.
HOW: Give me a break…we’ve got method down! Logistically speaking…I DO NOT want to pursue IVF or even fertility drugs out of age and fear, I think. I do think A LOT about adopting, and not necessarily an infant, but even an older child. I’m open to God’s intervention, but NOT so open to medical intervention. I think most of this comes from all the problems I’ve had medically with regards to OB-GYN issues and the feeling that if the doctors haven’t been able to “fix it” it ain’t gonna happen.
I did see an OB-GYN who gave me so much more hope in that she didn’t automatically slam shut the door to childbirth even at 40 years old…she was willing to give me options and look at everything before she ruled ANY option out.
WHY: My heart yearns to be a “mom” and with my husband to be parents of a child we can love, teach, nurture, and sow into his/her life. My life sometimes feels incomplete without our “child”.
Here’s where it gets tricky. I’m having trouble discerning the enemy from truth. I believe that God knows the desires of our hearts…after all He created us and put those things in us. I believe anything that isn’t “grounded” in truth is from the enemy. For example…the most obvious is when I hear the enemy say: You are not worthy to be a mom! God would never say that. God would say: “Let’s get you ready…mold you a bit to be the mother I made you to be.”
God says: “Children are a blessing.” What is keeping me from that blessing? My mind goes to these thoughts:
you are unworthy ~ you don’t DESERVE it ~ you have so much already and obviously don’t appreciate it as you ask for MORE ~ why are you being greedy ~ you are too immature ~ you are too selfish ~ you don’t have what it takes ~ your self-named incompleteness is a fleshly desire, not from God ~ you have done too much wrong.
I am trying to remember God’s truth:
I am NOT unworthy, as I am the righteousness of God in Christ. I am an heir of God through Christ.
Grace is the unmerited favor of God…no one deserves these blessings, we receive it our love and grace.
My desire is not out of GREED, but I must trust God’s answers and His timing in His will.
I don’t know how to address the immaturity and selfishness???? As far as having what it takes; I immediately think of pretty much every Biblical “mom” I’ve read about (except Mary, of course).
Desire to be a MOM is a fleshly desire??? Suffice to say I KNOW this is a lie!
I have done too much wrong? This is where I am reminded that God’s mercy is the undeserved forgiveness offered through Christ.
All these things come up (along with every specific example the enemy flings my way), from time to time as I travel the journey of childlessness…That sounds so depressing…
Recently I FINALLY opened up a website about adoption. I felt like a child disobeying an elder as I peered into this vast world. Immediately I was overwhelmed and thought I would have some sort of panic attack and then spontaneously combust…but I forced myself to focus and just LOOK at the option and what is required. I thought of the scripture: “to those much is given, much is required” (Luke 12:48)
I looked at the first few pages of helpful information and links and applications and requirements and then I closed it and I prayed. I asked God to guide me. I asked God to show me if I am ready to do this.
Am I ready to give of my heart and of my life (regardless of HOW much) to pursue this, EVEN if it doesn’t result in adopting a child? Are you willing to put ALL your resources out there? Are you willing to do without? Are you willing to sacrifice your own pride and humble yourself in the assessment of YOU as a parent? Are you willing to be “judged”? What qualities do you have that enable you to be a parent to a child? Do you want a child this bad? Do you want to walk down this road?
I want to say yes, but honestly I don’t know. I do wonder if I’m too old. I wonder if I’ll be alive long enough to ‘be there’ for a child. I wonder if I have the temperament to be an effective, yet loving parent. I wonder if I am giving enough. I wonder if I have enough love in me...Adoption adds the whole other element: “This is someone else’s birth child…it’s one thing to ‘screw up’ when you are raising your own child, but how much more pressure to do it ‘right’ with another person’s flesh and blood!
I’m so confused and overwhelmed and then I think that the confusion is a clear indicator that I’m not ready.
Enough for today…