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Can You Hear Me Now?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Is That My Womb Screaming?

FAIR WARNING!

What I am about to write comes from the depth of my heart. It could be that it is fragmented and seemingly unrelated and I just want to give you fair warning before you attempt to read on. Apparently springtime is about renewal and rebirth on more then just the ‘chickie’ and ‘ducky’ level. As I ‘surf’ blogdom I have found many others who are contemplating and re-evaluating and trying to redefine their dot of earth, their place in the world, if you will.

One of the demons that haunt me is the defeat and failure associated with infertility. It gives me so much hope to be surrounded, by others, unseen but NOT unheard, in ‘blogdom’ who have experiences they are willing to share on this topic. Frankly, I was amazed at the honest outpouring I have read since arriving here, three short months ago.

Here is my story, it comes from my heart, so excuse my emotion and frankness and remember…this is also my journal.

WHO: My God-appointed husband and I.

WHAT: Desire for a baby/child.

WHEN: We’ve never done anything to prevent it though I suppose the “yearning” didn’t start until we moved to Oklahoma in 2001, I was 37.

HOW: Give me a break…we’ve got method down! Logistically speaking…I DO NOT want to pursue IVF or even fertility drugs out of age and fear, I think. I do think A LOT about adopting, and not necessarily an infant, but even an older child. I’m open to God’s intervention, but NOT so open to medical intervention. I think most of this comes from all the problems I’ve had medically with regards to OB-GYN issues and the feeling that if the doctors haven’t been able to “fix it” it ain’t gonna happen.

I did see an OB-GYN who gave me so much more hope in that she didn’t automatically slam shut the door to childbirth even at 40 years old…she was willing to give me options and look at everything before she ruled ANY option out.

WHY: My heart yearns to be a “mom” and with my husband to be parents of a child we can love, teach, nurture, and sow into his/her life. My life sometimes feels incomplete without our “child”.

Here’s where it gets tricky. I’m having trouble discerning the enemy from truth. I believe that God knows the desires of our hearts…after all He created us and put those things in us. I believe anything that isn’t “grounded” in truth is from the enemy. For example…the most obvious is when I hear the enemy say: You are not worthy to be a mom! God would never say that. God would say: “Let’s get you ready…mold you a bit to be the mother I made you to be.”

God says: “Children are a blessing.” What is keeping me from that blessing? My mind goes to these thoughts:

you are unworthy ~ you don’t DESERVE it ~ you have so much already and obviously don’t appreciate it as you ask for MORE ~ why are you being greedy ~ you are too immature ~ you are too selfish ~ you don’t have what it takes ~ your self-named incompleteness is a fleshly desire, not from God ~ you have done too much wrong.

I am trying to remember God’s truth:

I am NOT unworthy, as I am the righteousness of God in Christ. I am an heir of God through Christ.

Grace is the unmerited favor of God…no one deserves these blessings, we receive it our love and grace.

My desire is not out of GREED, but I must trust God’s answers and His timing in His will.

I don’t know how to address the immaturity and selfishness???? As far as having what it takes; I immediately think of pretty much every Biblical “mom” I’ve read about (except Mary, of course).

Desire to be a MOM is a fleshly desire??? Suffice to say I KNOW this is a lie!

I have done too much wrong? This is where I am reminded that God’s mercy is the undeserved forgiveness offered through Christ.

All these things come up (along with every specific example the enemy flings my way), from time to time as I travel the journey of childlessness…That sounds so depressing…

Recently I FINALLY opened up a website about adoption. I felt like a child disobeying an elder as I peered into this vast world. Immediately I was overwhelmed and thought I would have some sort of panic attack and then spontaneously combust…but I forced myself to focus and just LOOK at the option and what is required. I thought of the scripture: “to those much is given, much is required” (Luke 12:48)

I looked at the first few pages of helpful information and links and applications and requirements and then I closed it and I prayed. I asked God to guide me. I asked God to show me if I am ready to do this.

Am I ready to give of my heart and of my life (regardless of HOW much) to pursue this, EVEN if it doesn’t result in adopting a child? Are you willing to put ALL your resources out there? Are you willing to do without? Are you willing to sacrifice your own pride and humble yourself in the assessment of YOU as a parent? Are you willing to be “judged”? What qualities do you have that enable you to be a parent to a child? Do you want a child this bad? Do you want to walk down this road?

I want to say yes, but honestly I don’t know. I do wonder if I’m too old. I wonder if I’ll be alive long enough to ‘be there’ for a child. I wonder if I have the temperament to be an effective, yet loving parent. I wonder if I am giving enough. I wonder if I have enough love in me...Adoption adds the whole other element: “This is someone else’s birth child…it’s one thing to ‘screw up’ when you are raising your own child, but how much more pressure to do it ‘right’ with another person’s flesh and blood!

I’m so confused and overwhelmed and then I think that the confusion is a clear indicator that I’m not ready.

Enough for today…

7 comments:

Aunt Murry said...

Oh Kim. I need to talk to you. But not in comments. Is there a way I can e-mail you? My e-mail is on my Blog. Send me a line and I will write back.

Karen said...

My Friend, there is so much I would love to say. Another one of many times when I'd love to sit down and get to know you. And a moment when I would love to just give you a hug.

If only things in life were simple, cut and dry, black and white. As with most things in life, parenting and children are none of those things either.

This hardly seems the place to share all my own thoughts on what you've said. I'd love to talk with you, maybe encourage you. Or just listen. Email me at karenk823 at hotmail dot com if you ever need to.

Lots of prayers for you and all these emotions and thoughts you're sorting through.

kpjara said...

I should explain, I'm one of these very open people...goes with being someone who pries and questions every little thing, it's pretty easy for me to open up, at least in this 'safe' venue...This struggle is ongoing and while it's unresolved it's not crippling...I can still feel the love of God and I can still walk in the wisdom of faith in His eternal plan for me!
Sometimes it just helps to put it down so I can move on and perhaps learn from someone else.

Thank you both, for your brave spirit and open, kind words of love and encouragement!

jenna said...

This isn't something I've personally experienced, but I feel your pain coming through your words and I trust in God to give you what your heart desires purely and what you need. I know that He will. I'll be praying for you and please let me know if there's anything I can do to support you as you struggle.
And, for what it's worth, I think the depth of your desire to parent a child, and to go about the process of whatever that takes in a Godly way, speaks volumes about what a good mother you'd be.
-Jenna ponderblog@gmail.com

GiBee said...

Oh, Kim... my friend... I'm so sorry I was down and out when you wrote this... I know just how you feel. I've been there myself. Sorry this is so long, but...

Honey, you ARE worthy, and you DO deserve to have a child. Those feelings are not greedy or immature. God placed those desires in your heart.

It was very difficult for me to finally turn to IVF as the route for us to go, and I even put it off for 2 years after our initial visit to the fertility clinic, because I just didn't know if it was Gods will for us to go this route. I just couldn't hear a clear answer to my prayers on this!

I've always had a desire to adopt, but my husband didn't. He really wanted to try every last-ditch effort to conceive and carry our own child. My sister-in-law actually is the one that opened my eyes. She said that if I was having such a difficult time HEARING an answer from God, then I should start praying that His hand would guide us through the difficult decisions we needed to make, and the procedures we needed to go through. I never thought of it that way. I had been waiting to hear, "my child, go forth with IVF with my blessing" from God, but that never came.

Instead, I started to pray that we got a great doctor that I could connect to - and we did. I prayed that my shyness would be overcome, and it was (you get a lot of internals), and I even prayed that my fear of needles (very BIG fear) would be taken away... and it was. And even though we had so many miscarriages, disapointments, and heartbreak after we began trying, and even though 2 years went by before I got pregnant, I always felt at peace with all the decisions we made and all the procedures we did.

And praise God! He is so good, and He loves us so much, and my heart's desire is sleeping in the crib right above me right now.

I know it's scary, and tough, but know that you have people around you (me, me, me, me, me) that will support you, love you, pray for you, and be there for you. I'll even share all the nitty gritty with you so you feel prepared! And... I'll even exchange land-line numbers (GASP!) so I can support you regularly with any choice you decide to go with... Just let me know.

Geez! And I thought I was going through a lot. There is nothing more heart breaking than what you're going through now.

For now, I'm adding you to my prayer journal. Just keep me updated.

Lurv ya!

kpjara said...

Dear GiBee,

I knew you'd have words for me...cause I remember reading you had been through infertility over at "your place". I appreciate your sincerity and encouragement and wisdom spoken from experience. I will keep you posted on how this plays out...I've put it on hold, both emotionally and physically, until I can sit down with my husband and really...truly...discuss...pray... and decide HOPEFULLY in line with God's desires for us!

love to one of my BFF.
Kim

Overwhelmed! said...

Kim,

I'm just starting to get to know you and if you go back and read of our adoption journey (Parts 1-6) you'll begin to get to know me as well.

I, like you, often wondered 'am I worthy?', and 'DO I deserve to have a child?'

I know without a doubt that God led me to our son's birth parents. It was too miraculous of a situation not to be influenced by Him. He also led me to two friends that adopted privately before me and they supported me throughout my adoption journey.

If you decide to pursue adoption, please know that I'm here to support you in any way possible. I'd be happy to share my personal contact info with you if it would help.

I've been blessed by God and now I have my heart's desire, a loving husband and a precious child, my own little family. I take my responsibilities as a mother very seriously and give thanks daily for being entrusted with this gentle soul called Snuggle Bug!

I pray that you are blessed to experience the wonders of motherhood, if that is your heart's desire.