New Background

Can You Hear Me Now?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Greater Love

One of the best things about winter...for of the ONLY good things about winter is my desire to hunker down and read. I get 3/4 of my reading done each winter.

After literally YEARS of postponing reading of a Christian "classic" (at least according to all the other readers and NON-readers I've met), I finally read Francine Rivers, "Redeeming Love".

Understand that literally everyone I've ever met whose read this book went on and on about how it changed their life. It didn't have the over-emotional reaction I expected (based on these references), but it was a really good read and it did teach me and remind me of a few things. Perhaps because in some ways I have much in common with 'Angel', this story taught me that our experiences and our life before Christ should not define our life. If anything it should show how great grace and mercy and forgiveness really are. It also reminded me that no matter how often or how far I get form God, He will always...ALWAYS be there for me.

I've shared here and with others that one thing I've always struggled with is how great God's love is. I just can't always wrap my mind around it and it sometimes trips me up, as it did 'Angel'. Even when I can hear the voice of God or feel the touch of an angel, I struggle to understand HOW He could love me that much.

I have a husband much like Angel's husband. He loves me more than anyone I've ever met. He loves me completely, totally and honestly. He is compassionate and caring. He is gentle and firm. He is giving and giving and giving. He is forgiving and peace-filled. And I don't understand how he can love me that much either. He loves me as he was called Christ loved the church.

I've grown to realize he does this out of his love for God. He's always loved me, even before he was 'saved', but it's clear how much more, now that he walks with God. What an incredible feeling...this love. On top of that, this weekend as our pastor spoke, I was reminded of how we were created out of LOVE from our creator.

Perhaps it's a Valentine's Day gift from God, whatever it is...I'm thankful of His love and His desire for my very best!

I pray this greater & redeeming love surrounds you this week.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Prisoner of War

I never could imagine what it felt like to be a survivor of a war...much less a prisoner of war. I couldn't imagine trying to survive on hope alone. I couldn't imagine the torment and pain and suffering inflicted by the enemy. I couldn't imagine what it would do to my mind. I remember reading stories of POW's and thinking what a horrible thing to endure, how do they do it?

God revealed to me last night that we are all prisoners of a Spiritual War. I would NEVER belittle or demean what prisoners of earthly wars have endured, but I do believe there is a spiritual battle on earth and within our minds and physical bodies much more often then we realize.

My mind has really been under siege these past few days, weeks, months. I tried to write it off as a hormonal issue, but I truly think it's a spiritual battle. Until my dear friend Tam emailed me and pointed out that I needed some time around seriously Spiritual Christians I didn't even realize how much war had been waged.

I have been dealing with tremendous rage internally, self-doubt, almost to the point of self-hate. I have been frustrated and ill-at-ease. I have been much more moody. My language has gotten increasingly worse. My 'pretty side' is all but gone. I've been just looking for targets to release some of this. I thought it was just me.

It's not.

Sure part of it is lack of self-control but that fruit has been draped with heavy cloth by the enemy's work and my 'giving-in' to his evil ways. The choices I have been making are not good...they are not good at all. I feel trapped inside a vessel of destruction.

I screamed and ranted at God yesterday. I heard nothing. I went to small group last night ready to battle anyone who dared. A discussion ensued about how to deal with what we consider hypocritical Christians. Those people who call themselves Christians yet seem more evil then those without Christ. The group was fairly unified in their feelings that these people should be held to a higher standard.

I did point out that these people who appear to be hypocritical may just be following what they see in churches and by other 'Christians'. I admitted some of the people I have met (even at our current church, some even in leadership), are as earthly as anyone...and this is my example?

So you see, war has been waged upon kpjara...and many others.

I'm really trying to dust off my armor, but it looks so very heavy and frankly I just don't feel all that strong. be continued