The first thing I thought about yesterday as I sat down to write was: the song from FAME,
“Out here on my own”.
Here are the lyrics I’m hearing:
We’re always proving who we are
Always reaching for that rising star
To guide me far, and shine me home
Out here on my own
When I’m down and feelin’ blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Help me through, help me need you
Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears,
I dry the tears I’ve never shown
Out here on my own...
I can remember, with clarity, when Irene Cara emoted this song. She didn’t just SING the song, she FELT it. Acting, yes, but very effective acting for the teenager I was when I saw it the first time.
If you made it past the “title” you can see that I’m in one of my dark, moody, most creative moods. It’s such a strange thing really: when I feel most down and most moody, I am MOST creative. I can hear and see with clarity what it is I NEED to see and hear to create. Thus: BEAUTY from PAIN! I don’t want to sound too melodramatic about this, I’m not “depressed” in the clinical sense, I’m just really introspective this week and through this ‘pain’ of self-reflection comes the ‘beauty’ of more self-awareness and a freedom to express myself in truth…
Comic aside ~ I can almost picture myself: I should probably be wearing some beret and carrying a big dilapidated canvas bag and sitting in a smoky coffee house listening to poetry via an open mic venue.
…Seriously, this introspection tends to come more frequently as I age and continue to see the path I’ve chosen is so far from the path I thought I’d be on right now.
I read this and re-read this as I self-edit and backspace and erase and rewrite and I see the skewed thinking. Let’s see if I can march out of this darkness back into light.
I’m thinking from my fleshly desires, and God has called me to something higher…focus outside ME and onto HIM as reflected in OTHERS. The problem in this HIGH STANDARD is my own selfishness. I am in no way in a “spiritual crisis” and trust me when I say I would recognize it because I’ve been down that pathway of “paddy cake with Satan” a time or two. I think it’s like I wrote the other day… sometimes God calls us to silence; to close our ears and our MOUTHS to NOISE and RAMBLING… STOP, DROP, KNEEL and wait to hear.
I’ll be honest I DO NOT KNOW how those MONKS do it! You know, those Tibetan monks that don’t speak for some unreasonably long time. I read about others who take a vow of silence for LIFE. I had a dear friend who, because of some “religious” belief, would go into “seclusion” under direct order of an elder or mentor. This translates to mean, no chatting on the phone or talking of any kind. This was some sort of ‘soul purge’ as I understood it. She would also eat minimally and only certain foods during this time. I thought it was the strangest thing. I guess it gets down to heart motivation again.
If God called me to silence, as He did Zechariah before John was born, He would have to be the one that sealed my mouth…because I have NO IDEA how I’d “handle it” much less be obedient to this request. I would be improving my sign language skills that’s for certain! Thank GOD, so far, this hasn’t been an issue.
I look now at the words of the song above and how the writer claims to be out on her own, yet she is always looking for SOMEONE or SOMETHING, in the form of LIGHT to bring forth who she has become. She even states; as the sun appears, it makes light of all her fears. I have to believe this is GOD TALK. I know (and I hope YOU KNOW) the only TRUE light is in the form of truth of God and I truly find who/what I was created to be in this light alone.
As I travel this journey, sometimes in the midst of clouds or fog I have to continue to seek and walk towards the light. I have to choose light. I have to choose a life of light! I also know that if I somehow get lost or lulled into the darkness, as SOON as I call on the name of Jesus, He will be there to lead me out.
The journey continues…