Friday, March 31, 2006
I not only remember it, I think I’m living it. Trust me, however, if God gave me His 3-O power (omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient) it would probably take me much longer then 2 short hours to work it all out and use the power for GOOD.
I have been “on God” about so much lately…but particularly about this job and children and my destiny. God had originally asked for me to come spend some time with Him. I did…well I did most of the talking but we were TOGETHER.
Then God asked me to just hang out with him for a half an hour and be quiet and let Him do the talking…I tried…Honest I did, but it’s really hard to “clear the mechanism” and keep it clear for a WHOLE half hour!
Then God asked for just a few minutes…just like 10 or 15 minutes to whisper in my ear…and I busied myself right out of that time because something “better?” came along…I believe it is God that has sent this ‘pain of unknown origin’ to my arm. I am having trouble sleeping and working and DOING much of anything. I can’t do any of my crafts for more then a few minutes, I can hardly read because it’s hard to hold the pages open AND it’s my LEFT arm…guess what, I’m left handed! That means it’s even hard to type, write, bead, whatever it is I WANT to do.
God won’t FORCE me to spend time with Him and be quiet when I do…but He’s obviously got some pretty pressing things to tell me…so my goal…this weekend, is to spend some quiet (and I mean QUIET) time with God. A part of me feels very excited and full of anticipation of what God will say and the other part of me (apparently the stronger part) is like a child at naptime…I don’t want to lay still because I WILL fall asleep….so I wiggle, wiggle, wiggle until it’s over and I never did go to sleep.
I will let you know how it all pans out…I’m sure Satan is already plotting and planning some “busy-ness” to distract me or some vitally important things that MUST be done…possibly even for church…Satan is so sneaky about it, that I even sometimes believe I HAVE to get something done because it’s for church and obviously God wants me to do it! Believe it or not people, God can get his message through without the lights, camera or action…God can do it without one word being spoken! Sometimes more effectively.
Pray for me as I head into this weekend, that my body would follow my heart and offer God His time of silence so that I can hear his Word…
Can I Hear Him NOW?
Thursday, March 30, 2006
at first she struggled a bit getting in here and putting thoughts to words (which was shocking frankly because trust me, the girl has NEVER struggled finding words). I think it was the techno-journal thing that got her...anyway... she's here now and I just want to give a SHOUT OUT to my little sister...over at Love to Chat (such a perfect name too). You all thought I had the gift of gab...just check her out! That's my baby sister, Chell'. I love her dearly and hope she enjoys her cyberflight around this blogdom!
It’s Thursday and I’m trading another 24 hours of my life for something today. What will it be? I’m going to try to be optimistic though it’s the farthest thing from my mind today…yes…my melancholy is showing…
Will I bring an offering of Praise to the alter,
will I rip my garment and rub ashes on my face as I lament to God?
Will I sing a song
will I cry a river?
Will I lift up another
will I tear someone down?
Will I hear and act on God’s voice
will I turn a deaf ear?
Will I see His glory
will I be blinded by my selfishness?
Lord help me today to trade these hours for YOUR Glory, for YOUR Honor, not because I HAVE to…rather because I want to! Let me be about my Father’s business today!
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
I innocently go to the comments left on today's rambling of such life changing importance and I find one of my favorite people in the world has left a comment...GiBee.
As I read, I see she's encouraging me as usual...then what do I see as my eyes scan on ahead of my silent reading...was THAT the word VIRUS? Good heavens, GiBee infected my precious BLOG with a VIRUS! How can it be? My hair stood up on end and I shook with fear.
I go over to her "house" and see what I need to do to fix this thing before the damage is permanent and here it is...
I'm copying and pasting this paragraph out of her blog, because I'm told to do so ...Pearsonified has started a small, casual social experiment, it’s called “The Indie Virus.”
Here’s how Pearsonified describes this experiment:
The experiment, henceforth referred to as “The Indie Virus,” has two goals:*
To bring exposure to lesser known blogs (especially those outside of Technorati’s top 100)*
To explore the metrics behind a viral linking campaign launched by the “little guys” (less popular blogs).
So, let the statisticians have at it...get their numbers and their trackbacks and all that jazz...and I'm going to go see how far out this thing has already traveled. OH wait...I forgot...I've got to infect some people now...let's see I wonder if re-infection is legal...I know, I said I read the rules, and I did SCAN them..but I'm a rebel and so if I RE-infect someone and get thrown from the blogdom, know I was here and loved you all at one time!
Is it really really sad that my only "blog" friends (that I know of) are my pastor and the people I've met through "Karen" at The Big Tradeoff? Which of course leads me to places she has sent me like perhaps Morning Glory at Seeds From My Garden.
I do have another one that I frequent quite often that could 'deal' with an infection better then most of us...Just call her Aunt Murry, be nice because she's got DOGS and we dog people stick together!
SO thank you GiBee, I hope this virus isn't like that nasty thing you dealt with last week because while I'm always looking for better diet plans...eating in reverse is not one of my favorites!
I still don't think I have a fever...but I am warmer...
I am a fairly open person…especially in print. BUT…there are some things only my husband or my best friend will ever know about me. As I write this I think…there are SOME things only GOD will ever know about me! Why? Because these ‘secrets’ are the truest picture of my heart. They are my passion. They are my desire. They are my deepest thoughts and fears and goals. They make me extremely vulnerable. If I share these things there is a risk to my person and my heart.
I wonder sometimes if people that know me and read this are surprised by what I write. My husband has said a couple of times: “I didn’t know you felt that way” about something I have written. For me, because I am so much more an observer of life…it’s sometimes hard to find words, among people, that can fully explain my heart. It’s MUCH EASIER to do it in print, where written words are my voice.
At first I got a bit “freaked out” when someone I KNEW outside of “blogdom” mentioned something about my words here…now I find it so freeing. It’s like a HUGE circle-journal…where I can write out my heart (as much of it as I want OUT) and if you find it and read it…respond or don’t respond…you know a little bit more about me…today…where I am.
I’m home today…my shoulder is no better (I’ve GOT to clean out my bag of issues)…and I was watching GMA and they had a segment on the book “POST SECRETS” by Frank Warren. It is a compilation of postcards requested by the author. These are anonymous postcards that contain peoples’ secrets. I went to his blog www.postsecret.blogspot.com and read the samples there and at first I was shocked. Some of the postcards/artwork are very graphic and a bit explicit in nature (definitely R-rated at the least). The words…the secrets…are honest sometimes all the way to obscenely honest. They reminded me of something confessed to God in repentance.
I tried to imagine what secret I would ever share among the secrets only God knows…and I’m telling you here and now, what is shared with God…stays with God!
...I wonder what people would say or write if their blog was truly anonymous…would the “blogdom” become full of dark and revealing secrets or would it read much the same?...
The beauty of God’s forgiveness is that it’s only dredged up when I ‘forget’ to LEAVE IT THERE and instead pick it back up and bring it with me…or allow Satan to tuck it back into my bag as I turn to leave the cross. Satan isn’t subtle about it…he screams the secret out as he’s shoving it back into my bag. He reminds me how it now belongs to me and it always will. He reminds me how it defines me. He reminds me how I have some nerve to try to make the King of Kings take MY PROBLEMS. The beauty is…
God, the King of Kings, the Father of forgiveness, Emmanuel, and every other name He is to me every single day…already knew the secret before I confessed it to Him. He forgives me and offers me the grace and mercy I so need to lay it down and leave it there.
It seems I am at the cross a lot lately. I KNOW God loves it when I come everyday and stay for long periods of time. I’m pretty sure my bag is getting a little lighter and I’m hopeful that my visits with God are beginning to penetrate every pore of my body. I guess if I’m going to be immersed in something fully, I might as well be immersed in my time at the cross with God. Thank you Father for meeting me here…once again…
See you later!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I’m going to pull my well-read copy of “Bait of Satan” from the shelf and review the basics: It is MY offense…I own this offense…I am the only one that can RELEASE this offense…DANG, DANG-DOUBLE DANG! It’s not ironic that my husband and I are starting this study again this week, with 4 other couples.
My temperament, as I’ve mentioned before, is CHOLERIC-75/MELANCHOLY-25 (though sometimes it shifts more or less one way or the other). This is NOT an excuse for my behavior it only helps me to recognize why I REACT to things the way I do.
If you ever truly WANT to hurt a “Choleric” say something about the way they waste time or can MAKE time to do just ONE more thing! Cholerics are above and beyond all else; leaders and multi-taskers. We can complete more tasks then any of the other temperaments combined and we thrive in leadership and decisive decision making. It would also make sense then, that we must be very careful and seek discernment about the things we volunteer for, which could be overwhelming if we take on EVERYTHING our flesh thinks we can do.
One problem is sometimes we need others to recognize this ability as well. My husband, bless his heart, knows the greatest COMPLIMENT he can give me is to say something along the lines of: “You got SO MUCH DONE TODAY! How do you do it all?” Of course my husband doesn’t SHOW this inflection, because he’s so monotone…but I know what his heart is saying.
I am carrying an offense from a comment by another woman, who I really am growing to love…she is NOT choleric. She is primarily sanguine in my estimation. She can talk to anyone and be perfectly at home with that. She loves to be the center of attention and can hold us all captive by her stories and teaching. She made a comment to me about my ability to take on one more thing and I felt my eyes grow big as silver-dollars.
It wouldn’t be such a BIG deal, except this offense I carry is yet another thing to put in my bag of “goodies” that I haul around everywhere I go…and I feel myself emotionally pulling away from this group of women that I am JUST starting to open up to.
That is how the melancholy in me works. If I were 100% Choleric I would just blast anyone who ‘threatened’ me and be done with it…Melancholies, on the other hand, are brooding, emotional, introverted, grudge-holding when angered. They are also intelligent, highly creative, thorough and detail oriented. So ‘Ms. Melancholy’ is saying, “keep quiet and we’ll deal with this later.” What is wrong with me… why would I CHOOSE this ugly road once again? My temperament is TRANSFORMED by the Holy Spirit…only in as much as I can live the utterance; “DIE FLESH DIE!”
This whole thing makes sense to me because the minute I began to really think on Christ and His love for me, Satan saw that as a prime opportunity to divert my eyes, mind and heart to another IMPERFECT person. I KNOW this and yet I’m still tripped up.
Today I will pray and I hope I can release this offense before my mouth speaks. I will now refer to what God says in James 3:1-12 and thank you for listening.
“Not many should become teachers, my brothers, knowing that we will receive a stricter judgment; for we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a mature man who is also able to control his whole body. Now when we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we also guide the whole animal. And consider ships: though very large and driven by fierce winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So too, though the tongue is a small part of the body, it boasts great things. Consider how large a forest a small fire ignites. And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among the parts of our bodies; it pollutes the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is set on fire by hell. For every creature--animal or bird, reptile or fish--is tamed and has been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men who are made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things should not be this way. Does a spring pour out sweet and bitter water from the same opening? Can a fig tree produce olives, my brothers, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a saltwater spring yield fresh water."
Monday, March 27, 2006
Figured what out… (you’re thinking)
Why I go on and on about stuff...why my posts are SO long.
Aside from the fact that I’m excessive about everything I do…and my husband is either in school or at work from 7:30 a.m. til midnight M-Th, leaving me few people to talk to…the obvious answer is…I have more LEFTOVER words then most people.
Here is what I found: Most women speak at a rate of 250 words per minute; most men speak at 125, and, according to Gary Smalley, author of "Making Love Last Forever," in the course of a day, women on average speak 25,000 words, compared to a man's average 12,000. While I’ve never had the speed of my speaking officially tested it HAS been a source of contention for teachers, particularly speech and drama teachers, as well as family members trying to hear me. I would imagine when given the opportunity I can speak 400-500 words per minute and can squeeze out 40,000-50,000 words, in oral or written format.
I consider it a HUGE advantage…my sister, mom and I can get together and have a 5-10 minute conversation and have covered about 100 topics or more and no one can understand a word we’re saying! Add to that the fact that my sister is a Sign-Language Interpreter, so we can speak with our hands (to some extent) as well. It’s like the old Fed-Ex commercials with that man that talks so fast it all just runs together, same with us ladies! Sure it’s a bit frustrating sometimes with others who sit with eyes glazed as they listen to the nonstop chitchat from any of us, until we realize we are DOING IT and s l o w I t d o w n s o m e…
What? (you’re thinking)...
We’ve all heard or read about how many “WORDS” a person has in a day and once they reach that max’ they are worn out…well I have about twice or maybe three times as many as anyone else I know and in order to ‘use them up’ I have to write and write and write and write.
Case in point (taken from some reputable online source, lol):
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. It read "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000".
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said "What?"
The truth of the matter is…between the “middle child syndrome” (stop laughing) and lack of interaction with other intelligent life forms on a daily basis, I am dripping with words. I am soaked and dripping with all these words and thoughts and ideas and feelings. I could go to a therapist, I suppose…but what’s the point, it would be far cheaper to pay someone MUCH less to let me talk to them! I don’t need answers…just an ear and an occasional head nod…heck I might be able to reincarnate Chatty Cathy…well…no...she talks too, so that won’t work! So we’re back to square one…I write and write and write and write in a futile attempt to use these words that plague me day in and day out!
I was able to use words more in school, particularly in drama courses. I usually did monologues (as if that's any surprise). It also shouldn't be any surprise that I was awarded “Best Thespian” in high school? And no…I’m not saying what YEAR! How rude!
Enough words for today…for now anyway…
I tentatively continue...
As Easter approaches I have given much thought to what it all means. I fully expect to see the “beautiful people” out in droves. I expect smiles and sunshine and egg hunts. I expect laughter and love and even envy those wearing those beautiful Easter HATS (I just don’t have a hat head, bummer!)
What consumes my thoughts today is that this is a celebration focused on the resurrection of Christ, which is ALL good…don’t get me wrong…but Christ paid a price bigger then any of us will ever FULLY know. He endured beating which would have killed many of us, in and of itself…then ridicule and rejection…He drug a cross in a “parade” of onlookers and oglers alike…He was nailed down and hung on that cross (the ultimate in capital punishment at the time), was stripped, crowned with thorns, speared through his side…and spat upon. He was laughed at, and again…rejected. He called out; as we do daily, only not out of self-serving desire, just a simple request to God, to forgive us, for we know not what we do. He died that day.
I can celebrate the fact that Christ rose again, and I can smile at the hope I have in my ultimate salvation through Him and the incredible GIFT of the Holy Spirit who walks with me EVERY DAY…but I cannot ignore the fact that He died in this manner and went into the pit of hell to retrieve our souls from Satan. He believed, even while in hell, and waited on His Father to come for Him.
I pray today and each day as our Easter celebration approaches, I would reflect on this sacrifice. I would see it for what it is…love on a level we will never again see or understand until we stand beside Him in heaven.
Have a beautiful Monday!
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Yes, I know you're DYING to know what it is so I won't make you wait a second longer...
from: translated in human terms by Lanny Donoho:
Okay so here's what "God" has to say about a subject near and dear to all of us!
I have given everyone on earth a gift. I might add that it is a pretty incredible gift. I have been watching lately what most people do with it. It makes me sad and sometimes ticked off. I listened on a few million conversations today and you were all talking about it.
Conversations went a lot like this.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
I now wonder even more...HOW DOES GOD DO IT ALL! How does He continue to create with such incredible creativity and not give up or consider anything a "failure" and toss it aside.
Thank you God for all your creation!
I am humbled.
I will just say they were all good, from the perspective of outreach and growth. Volume 5, titled “Noise”, was my least favorite, initially, from the “judge a book by its cover” review. I put it in and expected NOTHING because I didn’t see how this could offer me anything. I am well aware of NOISE, after all, I'm a noise creator!
I will also add, initially I was a bit distracted on an art project (pictures coming soon), that I have recently attempted involving sculpture and the human form, something I’ve never attempted but have desired to do for some time. So I’m working away at my kitchen table on the sculpture and I have the DVD in and I’m listening and ‘watching’ Rob Bell talk about the noises in life, to the extent that we NEED and CRAVE noise in our lives. I agree and think…’maybe this won’t be too bad’.
Then the screen goes black…and I’m thinking (and I quote): “Well, what the hell is wrong with this thing!” Yes I know, I know, a good girl wouldn’t use H-E-double tooth sticks…but I did! And I did it in response to a CHRISTIAN DVD, that sin is even worse…
Then, as I go to approach and “fix/slap” the DVD player (refer back to blow-dryer incident), words start to appear on the screen…I return to my perch at the table, now realizing in my aging existence I can either sit at the table and work on the sculpture…and not be able to SEE the stinkin’ TV…or I can GET up and move to the living room where my twisted vision can watch and READ the screen and perhaps learn something. I convince my choleric inner-woman to ‘just give it five minutes’ and we decided to go check this out from a visual perspective.
I don’t want to ruin the lesson for you…so I’ll only share what happened for me. As I sat there listening and reading and “hearing” what the writer was saying, and it had been “quiet” for about 4 or 5 minutes…I heard God softly whisper my name…
He said: “Kim”.
I said: “Yes God?”
He said: “I love you.”
That was it. No great groundbreaking stuff, but truly the discernable voice of God came to me in this place of quiet. Mine was only a few powerful words, a reminder of His love for me. Like water for the soul and JUST what I needed at the end of this week. Imagine what more I would hear, if I could "clear the mechanism” for more then 4 or 5 minutes.
I realize some people may think 'how silly'…just be quiet before God. This takes incredible discipline for me…to sit…be QUIET (mind and mouth) and HEAR God. Even when my mouth is quiet…my mind is on 10,000,000 things.
Bottom line…if you ever have the opportunity to see ANY of the Noomas, check out “NOISE” and listen for God.
Friday, March 24, 2006
In celebration of FRIDAY and only a half day of work…I will list the 100 Places I’d Rather Be cause you can take my free-time, but you can NEVER take my dreams (how's that for overly dramatic):
On a Beach in Mexico
At a coffee shop with comfortable chairs
Reading a book
Reading a newspaper
Any of the Smithsonian Buildings
A Lush Garden
A Therapist’s Couch
My friend’s house
At the Mall of America
Lying in a field making shapes of the clouds
Photographing interesting people
People Watching at Central Park
Walking leisurely through the little shops in any small, downtown area…
At a movie (Romantic Comedy preferably)
At a Stand-Up Comic Show
Praying to God in Peace and Quiet
Talking to God Face to FACE!
Building my Dream Home
Decorating Any Home
Floating on a Raft in a Warm Pool (different pool)
Daydreaming and Doodling
Lying in a Bathtub of Bubbles
Holding my Husband’s Hand
Throwing Clay on a Pottery Wheel
Learning to Quilt
Surfing the Web
Reading famous Quotes
Pondering Martin Luther’s writing
Studying Urban Anthropology
Learning a Foreign Language
Playing Hookie from Work (more than just mentally)
Writing Cards of Encouragement
Creating Photographic Postcards
Writing “cards” for Hallmark
Designing Flower Arrangements
Getting a Manicure AND a Pedicure
Trying on Shoes
Listening to a Baby ‘Talk’
Teaching a Child to Tie His/Her Shoes
Working in a Bookstore
Going on a ‘Treasure Hunt’
Listening to Seniors talk about the “old days”
At a Professional Debate, (not political in nature)
Reliving my Wedding Day
Making my husband dinner
Creating Some New Delicioso’ Dessert
Illustrating a Children’s Book
Visiting with a Genetic Engineer
Helping Find a Cure for Cancer
Performing in a Play
Writing the Ultimate “Book of Questions”
At the Ballet
Having a HUGE Snowball fight
Visiting the “Twin Towers” Memorial
At a Peace Summit
At a Space Launch
Walking Barefoot in Soft Green Grass
Tasting Chocolate at a Competition
Producing Music Videos
Having a Pillow Fight
Visiting With all the Wise Women I Know
At a Book Club Meeting
Teaching a “Crafting” Class
Measuring 0-120 mph at a Motor-Speedway in a MAJOR Sports Car
Being a “PAID” Movie OR Restaurant Critic
Watching Movies I LOVE, all day long…
Buying My Husband a Pool Table
On a Cruise Anywhere Warm
Experiencing Time Travel
Speaking to a Christian Dream Interpreter
Putting my “Dreams” into Artwork
Controlling a Wrecking Ball
Teaching Pre-Teen Girls about Destiny
Updating my Home Files
On a Rollercoaster
Taking Ballroom Dance Classes with my Husband
Learning to Whistle LOUDLY (the 2 finger-taxi-hailing kind)
Seeing the GLORY of God as Moses Did
Writing a Love Letter to God
Helping Fulfill Someone’s Dream
Finding the PERFECT Lipstick
Accepting Miracles as EVERYDAY, not the Exception
Obviously…anywhere but here
With all this in mind, I’ll reflect over to what God tells me…
Philippians 4:8, 11-13 “…dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
…I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.”
Lord, give me strength today as I am trying to find your face in this place!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
"what would you do if you weren't afraid?"
share it...don't share it...let it take you where the Spirit leads.
Obviously I’m not perfect and there is still crud existing within me. I still watch TV programs that do nothing to edify Christ. I cuss like a sailor at times. The difference is my heart, or the Holy Spirit residing within my heart that is grieved by the entertainment I seek that is not pleasing to God. Here are my current 'decoding' dilemmas:
Dilemma 1: How do I maintain a relevant witness if I don’t have any idea what others are talking about when they discuss the lies abounding in mainstream society?
Dilemma 2: How can I dispel the lies portrayed in The DaVinci Code if I haven’t seen what they are?
Dilemma 3: Jesus sought out the lost in places I am now avoiding. Is there a time when I’ll be ready to re-enter these places as His child, instead of a mere participant?
Dilemma 4: I hope to GOD in Heaven, the primary reason I work where I work, is at least partially to show God to others, through my life (along with of course lessons in endurance, refining by fire, etc.), though if this is what being "relevant" is about...I'm not there yet! The place I am most likely to slip back into Satan's backyard is at my work! Should this be a clear indicator for me about this decision?
Dilemma 5: I would not allow my 15 y.o. niece to buy and read the book “DaVinci Code” because of its content, so how do I explain to her my motivation for seeing it, and do I take her?
Obviously my rational mind says I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I have enough wisdom and discernment to know and reject lies. I do not crave an alcoholic beverage when I enter a bar, though admittedly sometimes the smoke draws me (just exactly as it appears, magically, slowly almost mystically). My concern is my life spiraled slowly into crud.
I was “saved” at 13, and the only difference in me and Joe 'Sinman', was I walked down the aisle at some church and professed to KNOW Christ and accept Him as Lord and Savior over my life…after which I was dunked in a bath of water. My outer “man” looked no different and frankly resisted the changes the inner “man” was now calling for.
One of the most powerful attributes of our testimony is the truth of the mud and muck we were raised from. I lived a pretty ‘out of control’ life, even under the guise of ‘Kim-control’, and that has helped me witness to others who are there now. If they can see that my life is TRULY changed FOR THE GOOD, because of this decision, there is a greater chance they’ll see the possibility in their own ‘brokenness’.
I also know my niece is too young to know the subtle changes she will face, should she begin now to read ‘junk’ and listen to ‘junk’. She must first gird herself in wisdom and the power of the Holy Spirit through God’s Truth in His Word.
So, are any of you going to see this movie? What is your thinking? What is your heart saying? Have you read the book? Is it lies sprinkled with truth to make it even more troublesome? Is it yet another conduit to “paddy cake with Satan”?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
2. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? Purple fuzzy socks for cold feet.
3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Toby Mac “Diverse City”
4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? 6:07 a.m. just before the alarm goes off usually!
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? Ice maker/crusher
6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? The piano
7. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? Maxx is ME…pseudo SUV
8. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH? Or I wouldn’t be here today!
9. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? Mad Maddie Maxwell
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Summer
11. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? No trunk, just a hatch…I’ve got an emergency road kit (thanks to the hubbie), a flashlight, some bungee cords and a plastic shoebox full of tape, glue, etc for stagecraft installation at church.
12. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? A Burger…Good Lord, Sushi is RAW Fish and I live inland quite a ways….no thank you…
13. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAIL THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? ?????
14. WHO IS MOST LIKELY NOT TO RESPOND AT ALL? ?????
15. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? Aunt Murry http://auntmurry.blogspot.com.
16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? Freesia
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Chocolate Mousse Royale (Baskin Robbins from my stint there in high school)
18. POPCORN? Extra Butter please!
19. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? Lime Green.
20. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? 2005 Chevy Malibu Maxx
21. FAVORITE SANDWICH? I’m not a huge sandwich fan…maybe turkey/bacon club no mayo!
22. HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE? 2 darling doggies
23. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Ridgecrest, CA
24. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Ice Hockey if I’m THERE…on television: Ice-skating or gymnastics.
25. FAVORITE TV SHOW? NUMBERS
26. FAVORITE MOVIE? When Harry Met Sally among many, many others…I LOVE movies.
In one of the tracks I heard yesterday…she asked the question:
“How many of you, by show of hands, would say ‘I want something more from life, then what I have now.’?
From the sounds of applause and shouts of assent, and from her answer, I assume everyone being honest with themselves, raised their hand. I say that because if we get too settled in the here and now and aren’t striving for something more in our lives…aren’t we at the end? I’m not disputing that we are called to be content…I know this is included in Biblical principles 101, I am only proposing that even in contentment we strive for more; for our children, for our spouses, for ourselves. I will also add; we aren’t called to strive out of envy or personal gain, rather out of a need to fulfill our destiny.
In the words of my nephew…ANYways…. Lisa went on to say if you want MORE out of life then what you have now…you have to BE more then you are right now. That is not a direct quote and I didn’t want to ‘find’ the exact quote this a.m. on my drive in to work only partially awake.
So I got to thinking about how this translates in my life…I go on and on about things that I want to change in my life and I CAN go on and on as anyone who has ever glanced at my MEGA-posts can see! The reason I don’t always SEE the changes I so desire in print…is because I do NOTHING to make it so!
I’m not a HUGE Star Trek fan…but I love how the second in command would come to the captain and make a request for something and the captain, if agreeing, would say: “Make it so, number one.” This is important, stay with me…
I think it’s much like God and me and possibly God and everyone. He places the desire to fulfill His destiny in us as little seedlings…sometimes even just the seed. We grow and change and do things and try things…some good…some bad…some healthy….some unhealthy….and we learn and grow in discernment and wisdom…and then we look to God for the BIG change, the fulfillment of our destiny…and if it’s in line with what God has nurtured in us…He says to us: “Make it so, number one!”
The word MAKE is a verb. There is an action required to complete the sentence. He doesn’t say: Okay, got it, it’s a done deal… He calls US to do the work He sets before us. No this isn’t some NEW discovery…it’s a gentle reminder that as I find myself reaching the top of this hill and preparing to cross over to the ever-quickening descent on the other side, I must question what I have or haven’t done to fulfill my destiny. Am I holding back in fear, shuddering at the very thought of MAKING anything SO in my life? Am I just complacent in my own comfort zone? Do I want change enough?
As I prepare to fulfill the very calling placed on my life I am hopeful I will hear God utter the phrase “Make it so, number one”, and I pray I will act when I hear!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I can’t believe I just admitted that in “blogdom”. It’s been a struggle my whole life. I know most of the why’s and I’ll get there in a minute but let me go a bit further with all this and how it plays out in my life today.
I don’t play the game Monopoly and have even been known to toss a board or two in my time…because if I am not going to play…neither are YOU! Okay, so not only am I an overachiever, but I’m a moody, aggressive overachiever.
I mentioned before that I craft. What I failed to mention is I craft with a vengeance. I will often learn a new skill and craft and craft and craft until my fingers are blistered and calloused and burned (by those evil glue guns invented by Satan himself). Then I will be DONE. Once I have accomplished and conquered the craft…I am done. I don’t want to look at it again. I usually don’t even keep a ‘sample’ of what I’ve created. I’ve tried a LOT of crafts in my days.
I have mentioned how I get bored easily with jobs. I know this is largely because I have failed to “go for the gold”. I have failed to push myself to my limit in job searches, for fear of not measuring up…to my own unreachable standard. One good friend jokes with me about my ‘job-jumping’ past. We used to always joke that I needed a job with goals that required speed…like ‘ditch digging’ for example or any ‘factory-assembly-line’ type work. I am fast and furious in my work. This is an internal struggle with the ‘old-school’ lessons my dad taught me about staying with a job til retirement…which thankfully, is becoming more of a non-issue in current times. When I used to be considered a job-jumper I am now considered ‘diverse’ with multiple skill sets and an incredible ability to multi-task.
Since college graduation (unofficially in 1987…with a B.S. in Microbiology. I had an overdue library book I wasn’t aware of so my diploma is actually dated 1990) I have been employed as:
Research Assistant ~ Lab Accessioning Clerk ~ Medical Transcriptionist ~ Lead Computer Operator ~ Lead Phlebotomist ~ Q.C. Coordinator ~ Office Manager ~ Staffing Coordinator ~ Marketing Coordinator ~ Patient Services Coordinator (Office Manager in a medical setting) ~ Patient Scheduler ~ Patient Accountant, with some temporary assignments thrown in between as well. BTW the title coordinator is just a way of ‘fancifying’ a job title that lacks promotion potential and requires more work then the job without that title.
One of the numerous down-sides to this mentality, in business (most all businesses, I’ve found), is that the top of the heap requires the leap to management. Here goes another admission I hate making: I am not a good manager! No one will ever measure up to the standard I set…not even me. People become frustrated or just never try and I could not handle that. The few times I was in mid-management, I became very frustrated and had the ‘I’ll do it myself’ mentality because NO ONE could do it as quickly or as GOOD as me. This also collided with my desire to have people "like me" so staff were typically unaware of my chagrin, but I was doing the work!
Side note: You may have some idea why God immediately began work on my “pride” the minute I returned to Oklahoma and returned to HIM.
Obviously this crosses over into all areas of my life. I do not like to cook for others, because…that’s right…it has to be perfect and the BEST. My husband does most of the cooking. I will bake. I can bake well. I can accept that all desserts (unless burnt) are excellent, so no competition is necessary. There are areas too numerous to name in which this quality can overplay any potential lesson to learn and that is why I am seeking God’s wisdom and “healing” of this bondage.
Now let’s look at how this develops…
We all know how children jockey their parents for favor and recognition. I was second born…ultimately a “middle child” and while I don’t use that as an excuse, it sometimes offers some insight into who I am today. You must also know at this point that my parents (mostly my Mother) expected A's and even a B+ was not 'good enough'. She wanted what was best for us and didn't really know how to convey that without measuring us by our grades.
My older brother is the ultimate choleric/sanguine temperament. He is an overachieving, always in forward, extremely friendly and uninhibited, will try anything once, type of guy. He was a leader in his ‘pack’. He was gifted in school, even while he struggled with drug use. He was and is a gifted speaker and writer. He is creative. He is imaginative. He is loving and kind. He is a giver. He is a man who refuses to bend his beliefs to conform to something he doesn’t believe…at any expense. He is full of passion and a grand debater. He is one of those people who can get you to question your own beliefs if you sit and listen long enough.
I was born next. I actually had teachers say to me: “your M’s little sister, aren’t you? I hope you will be as ‘wonderful and perfect’ (this is what I heard) as he was.” No pressure there! So…I had to perform. I had to be better then him. I had a bit of an advantage in school because teachers, while embracing intelligence (to the point of ignoring you), also LOVE a quiet child. My brother was totally extroverted, I am a reformed introvert. Teachers loved me because I was quiet AND I did good work. My parents loved it because they didn’t even have to check my work and I brought home A's.
Let me tell all parents now…quiet does NOT equal compliance. The schools I attended were not mentally challenging for me, or stimulating. I do not remember ever having much homework, until college. This led not only to an inability to “study”, but also searching for and finding distractions and diversions without getting “busted”. I became sneaky. I was also an instigator. I could organize (in my quiet way) groups of rebellions with other students. Other students were drawn to me in middle and high school because hanging with me assured them an “A”, in homework, at least.
I had these ‘friends’ who were around for the “A” and they were sort of my stooges…they would do my dirty work and I could see it to fruition. As you might imagine, I became quite the manipulator and could lie without breaking a sweat. These are not good qualities to take into adulthood (unless you will be a used car salesperson, just kidding…calm down) and they are also hard ‘habits’ to break. Add to this my courses in drama and it just gets uglier.
I would find myself lying about stuff that didn’t really matter, just to see if I could convince someone it was true. Of course, in order to fulfill this ability, I needed the poor victim. I would seek and find the person who was naïve enough, or gullible enough to be led astray. I was one of the enemy's pawns…a gifted, mid-management pawn, but still a pawn. I didn’t even realize what I was doing…alas ignorance…the worst of all words! This quality obviously begins to seep into all areas of your life and you eventually find yourself living in a cesspool of lies and deceit and manipulation.
I digress…ultimately, in my story, the desire and obsession to be #1 crossed over into adulthood and into every area of my life. God only requests that I be the #1 Kim that He made me to be. He made me to reflect Jesus, the ultimate #1. His achievements were not necessarily tangible awards…rather they were service and sacrifice and giving…of everything…even his life, to redeem EVERYONE else’s life…including mine. I have to ask God, almost daily, to show me when I slide back into this habit and He is faithful to do not only that, but also to remove the chains of bondage and free me, daily, to be His child.
Hello, my name is Kim and I am a child of God!
Monday, March 20, 2006
This is how it COULD relate....Earlier today I shared a little about my infertility struggle. I truly wanted to get it off my chest and put it out there once and for all with the hope that once it's in the "light" I will begin to heal. I will allow myself to heal from this pain. I HATE being held hostage by a feeling or a relentless thought pattern that doesn't do anything but beat me down and give Satan free reign! YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I know I do just that...I keep it all tucked away inside thinking if I don't expose it, I never have to deal with it...yeah right! We all know how successful that is...feel free to refer to a DSM-IV manual or take a leisurely stroll through a bookstore SELF-HELP section and get a look-see at how effective this method is.
The best part of this experience is the opportunity to once again be incredibly blessed by women in this 'blog' realm. I am one of those women who didn't have tons of "girlfriends"...I always related better to boys and had many more "guy-friends" throughout school and into my early adulthood. I do have a hand-full of close friends that are women now, but I still tend to hold back to a great extent...at least until I feel "safe" and not at risk for the inevitable pain women have brought my way.
The women I have had the blessing of interacting with on this level, in this "world", continually teach me, through love and acceptance, how to be more like Christ. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I pray blessings of favor and prosperity and love, joy, peace and every good thing for you all. I love this place. I love this freedom. I love that God would find a way, in my secluded world of writing, to find and meet women of His, that He chose, that He ordained to come into my life, for such a time as this...
Gratitude and blessings! Now get busy writing, so I have something to read tomorrow!
What I am about to write comes from the depth of my heart. It could be that it is fragmented and seemingly unrelated and I just want to give you fair warning before you attempt to read on. Apparently springtime is about renewal and rebirth on more then just the ‘chickie’ and ‘ducky’ level. As I ‘surf’ blogdom I have found many others who are contemplating and re-evaluating and trying to redefine their dot of earth, their place in the world, if you will.
One of the demons that haunt me is the defeat and failure associated with infertility. It gives me so much hope to be surrounded, by others, unseen but NOT unheard, in ‘blogdom’ who have experiences they are willing to share on this topic. Frankly, I was amazed at the honest outpouring I have read since arriving here, three short months ago.
Here is my story, it comes from my heart, so excuse my emotion and frankness and remember…this is also my journal.
WHO: My God-appointed husband and I.
WHAT: Desire for a baby/child.
WHEN: We’ve never done anything to prevent it though I suppose the “yearning” didn’t start until we moved to Oklahoma in 2001, I was 37.
HOW: Give me a break…we’ve got method down! Logistically speaking…I DO NOT want to pursue IVF or even fertility drugs out of age and fear, I think. I do think A LOT about adopting, and not necessarily an infant, but even an older child. I’m open to God’s intervention, but NOT so open to medical intervention. I think most of this comes from all the problems I’ve had medically with regards to OB-GYN issues and the feeling that if the doctors haven’t been able to “fix it” it ain’t gonna happen.
I did see an OB-GYN who gave me so much more hope in that she didn’t automatically slam shut the door to childbirth even at 40 years old…she was willing to give me options and look at everything before she ruled ANY option out.
WHY: My heart yearns to be a “mom” and with my husband to be parents of a child we can love, teach, nurture, and sow into his/her life. My life sometimes feels incomplete without our “child”.
Here’s where it gets tricky. I’m having trouble discerning the enemy from truth. I believe that God knows the desires of our hearts…after all He created us and put those things in us. I believe anything that isn’t “grounded” in truth is from the enemy. For example…the most obvious is when I hear the enemy say: You are not worthy to be a mom! God would never say that. God would say: “Let’s get you ready…mold you a bit to be the mother I made you to be.”
God says: “Children are a blessing.” What is keeping me from that blessing? My mind goes to these thoughts:
you are unworthy ~ you don’t DESERVE it ~ you have so much already and obviously don’t appreciate it as you ask for MORE ~ why are you being greedy ~ you are too immature ~ you are too selfish ~ you don’t have what it takes ~ your self-named incompleteness is a fleshly desire, not from God ~ you have done too much wrong.
I am trying to remember God’s truth:
I am NOT unworthy, as I am the righteousness of God in Christ. I am an heir of God through Christ.
Grace is the unmerited favor of God…no one deserves these blessings, we receive it our love and grace.
My desire is not out of GREED, but I must trust God’s answers and His timing in His will.
I don’t know how to address the immaturity and selfishness???? As far as having what it takes; I immediately think of pretty much every Biblical “mom” I’ve read about (except Mary, of course).
Desire to be a MOM is a fleshly desire??? Suffice to say I KNOW this is a lie!
I have done too much wrong? This is where I am reminded that God’s mercy is the undeserved forgiveness offered through Christ.
All these things come up (along with every specific example the enemy flings my way), from time to time as I travel the journey of childlessness…That sounds so depressing…
Recently I FINALLY opened up a website about adoption. I felt like a child disobeying an elder as I peered into this vast world. Immediately I was overwhelmed and thought I would have some sort of panic attack and then spontaneously combust…but I forced myself to focus and just LOOK at the option and what is required. I thought of the scripture: “to those much is given, much is required” (Luke 12:48)
I looked at the first few pages of helpful information and links and applications and requirements and then I closed it and I prayed. I asked God to guide me. I asked God to show me if I am ready to do this.
Am I ready to give of my heart and of my life (regardless of HOW much) to pursue this, EVEN if it doesn’t result in adopting a child? Are you willing to put ALL your resources out there? Are you willing to do without? Are you willing to sacrifice your own pride and humble yourself in the assessment of YOU as a parent? Are you willing to be “judged”? What qualities do you have that enable you to be a parent to a child? Do you want a child this bad? Do you want to walk down this road?
I want to say yes, but honestly I don’t know. I do wonder if I’m too old. I wonder if I’ll be alive long enough to ‘be there’ for a child. I wonder if I have the temperament to be an effective, yet loving parent. I wonder if I am giving enough. I wonder if I have enough love in me...Adoption adds the whole other element: “This is someone else’s birth child…it’s one thing to ‘screw up’ when you are raising your own child, but how much more pressure to do it ‘right’ with another person’s flesh and blood!
I’m so confused and overwhelmed and then I think that the confusion is a clear indicator that I’m not ready.
Enough for today…
Sunday, March 19, 2006
So, I'll use these last few minutes before the 'magic bedtime' to share my list of things I am going to do when my work is done in December, 2006...
1. Make lunch for my husband and put little 'love notes' inside
2. Further explore the option of adoption (hey I'm a poet...)
3. Write, write, write, complete my first book
4. Research, find, and commit to voluntary service opportunities
5. Spend more time with my friends
6. Start a cross-denominational community Bible Study for women
7. Take courses that interest me for NO grade
8. Visit nursing homes with my friend and her therapy dog
9. Make a difference in the life of people I encounter
10. Speak the truth with love all the time
I think about those 'quizes' that ask what you would do with your time if money were no object or if you had no 'fear'...I wonder why I feel I have to WAIT til December to START living the life God has for me. I'm not willing to walk down this path right now...perhaps tomorrow...
Desire to fulfill my destiny
Reading is probably one of my very favorite things in life. I love books. I have a temperament that requires me to immerse myself in God even in my reading. For me, whatever I spend my time on; whether it’s movies, music, art, reading, whatever…there is sometimes a subtle, sometimes NOT so subtle shifting of my mind, actions, mood towards these things.
I suppose it’s not ironic that I would ponder these things as we are doing a series at church on Worship, called “Consumed”. Some people can find balance and ‘dip’ their lives into many areas. Some people tend to fall into ‘bondage’ to the things they spend their time, money...their very lives on. I am one of those people. I can easily slip into patterns that are shifting my ultimate God-ordained destiny if I’m not mindful of what it is that I spend my time on. I can become so consumed by the things I am creating (crafts, writing, etc) that I lose track of everything else going on around me or in me.
This morning as I prepare my body, mind, heart for church; I am thinking about whether my life is worshipping God or something else. I am thinking about what it is I am CONSUMED by right now. A LIFESTYLE of Worship is what we are called to, not out of obedience, rather out of desire and love for God. My worship of GOD is authentic only in it’s reflection of the one who created me. My worship is the things I spend my time and life on.
I pray that God would reveal and remove the things and desire for things that are not in line with my desire for a lifestyle of worship. The revelation of the things I worship is usually pretty obvious. It’s the removal of these “things” that can feel like a scab being ripped from our skin. It is a covering, though not permanent, that hurts when removed. It has become a part of us, even if for only a short time. It covers the “real” person we are...or are created to be...beneath.
It’s not a pretty analogy but think about when you are wounded...better yet, think of your child. They might fall and get cut or scrape a knee or elbow…there is some dirt and debris that must be removed. The injury must be kissed (that’s part of the healing, at least in my experience). The wound must be covered and protected until healing begins, until the scab forms. Eventually the scab falls off to reveal new, tender skin beneath and sometimes a scar. This is part of the removal of the things in our life to reach the point of worship to God.
We are people; therefore, we become wounded at some point in our lives. We fall down and scrape our hearts or get cut by ourselves or others….there is dirt and debris in that wound (in the form of thoughts, behaviors and actions) that must be removed or it will infect us, possibly even kill us. We go to our Father who helps clean the wound. The Father will seek out and find the dirt and debris and help us clean it ALL out. He then holds us and kisses this ‘ouch-ie’ and applies a bandaid (sometimes even a pretty bandaid to help us forget the throbbing pain).
The healing is starting. Sometimes, like children, we remove the bandaid before it’s time and we pick at the scab (gross I know, but you see where this is going), the skin beneath is still very raw and bright pink, it’s very vulnerable to becoming reinjured. There are scars (reminders) as a result of this removal and healing.
In my life, as I question my worship to God, I wonder what God will reveal and remove. I know I will need a bandaid and I know God will provide a bandaid. I pray that the new skin beneath will be clean and uninfected. I pray that the desire to worship God will always overcome the desire to fulfill my flesh. I pray that God would remind me regularly, through the scars I’ve produced, what He brought me from and what He’s brought me to. I WANT to worship God not just on Sunday morning, but every minute of every day with every part of my life.
Have an awesome Sunday!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
My husband, being the most “phlegmatic” person I know (temperament 101: peace-filled, peace-desiring, peace at all costs, NON-joining, non-committing, never using terms like always and never…this is Phlegmatic MAN) peers at me in while pondering his response to the question, “What is your favorite color?”
He finally says: “That’s a hard question.” I always guffaw when I hear a response like that because I ALWAYS have a response and typically a quick response about EVERYTHING. Of course, you know that about me already…lol!
Because he is my husband I ride him hard about it, “Come on, that is NOT a hard question…let me make it even easier…what is your favorite color to wear?”
“Well, it depends.” He utters.
“Are you kidding me?” I’m thinking silently while non-verbally burning his right arm on the steering wheel with my evil eye prompted by such an inane statement! By now, the Holy Spirit is quietly saying: “Maybe you should just sing for awhile…” Of course, because I know best what’s best for me…(oh no, I didn’t say that out loud did I?) we continue with these questions to no avail.
My husband, being such a peaceful person doesn’t have any problem continuing in his seeming uncertainty. He just doesn’t want to “commit” to an answer that could in fact, not be a true representation of his heart. This is one reason I know our marriage is strong and will remain strong, because he loves me…the day he finally told me he loves me I knew it was TRUE to the END!
Anyway, suffice to say he really couldn’t answer that ~ so as I always do in these times of non-commitment…I just tell him his answer! Don’t act like you haven’t done that!
I told him his favorite color must be blue or red because that is what he wears all the time. Of course he had some response to that statement, but I didn’t hear him because my singing was drowning him out by then.
Wow…that rabbit took me way off course…where was I…oh yes, color!
I studied color when I was contemplating an Art Therapy degree. It didn’t really surprise me to read how color not only impacts mood and chemicals in our brain, but also how long-term exposure to specific colors can ultimately shift and alter behavior…for good or bad! The color purple, for example, was not used in ‘asylums’ because of its ability to invoke insanity. Yet, purple is a “royal” color, used by kings and queens throughout history to signify royalty…go figure!
I’m sitting here in the “green room” this morning and realized what a perfect color and “name” for this room. Green is a calming color it also promotes creativity (check this site out: www.myth.com/color/meaning.html. This site is entertaining more then educational but it gives great words for your favorite colors.)
The name “Green Room” has even more significance. I had initially thought about how it is used in theater and television. Guests wait in a “green room” before coming onstage. I looked it up online and here is what I found:
The Green Room: The origin of the term is unknown, though some explanations, that the colour was a response to limelight – early stage lighting, have been suggested. Green is also thought to be a calming and soothing colour.
Additionally, it is a “surfing term” that is the inside of a “tube”, which I had NO IDEA what a tube was…and it means: The inside of a hollow wave. Okay so in surfing to be in a ‘green room’ is to be surfing inside a hollow wave…I can see why it would get that term.
This green room I am in this morning casts a glow under the door. I think it must be special. It is a special place to be...for me. It is a wonderful world of my own creation waiting to be untapped. It is where I can commune with God while I am “waiting” to ‘perform’ here on earth. It is a ‘limelight’ with God. It is sometimes, surfing inside a BIG hollow wave. It can be scary and uncertain. It can be overwhelming and feel stagnating. It can smother me, in my own self-expectation and judgment. BUT, it can also hug me and hold me tight while I allow my mind to wander through the stories within me.
Green is my favorite color.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Here's a quick peak at what I've started in the room and my darling husband too!
This vacationing at home is the life...if only I had limitless funds to do the things I dream of in my head. I was also inspired by Karen of http://thebigtradeoff.blogspot.com to get back to sewing and "so" (no pun intended) I "sewed" the curtain for the office and made the picture board with the leftover fabric. I LOVE to craft, it's one of my biggest passions outside of writing.
Without further ado:
the GREEN APPLE room, TADA!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Chatty Cathy and her words, brought endless hours of entertainment to us as children. She didn’t say THAT much which means it repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated…you get the point. But these same, repetitious statements, were so important to us as youngsters. We felt we were interacting and it made the “playtime” seem so much more authentic.
Sometimes I wonder if God looks at me like some sort of “Chatty Cathy” because I can go on and on and on about the same things I was JUST talking to Him a day, week, month, even year ago. Thankfully, I know this is just the enemy trying to defeat me. God speaks to me on a fairly regular basis, and I know he not only enjoys our “chats”, He values them and looks forward to them. Sometimes He’ll even get me up really early in the morning to talk.
There are times when I immediately understand what He’s trying to teach me and even better, I look forward to the resulting journey. There are other times when I have NO clue what He’s talking about or where it came from, these are the times I enter “Chatty Cathy” mode. These are times our talks feel one-sided and either He or I do all the talking (usually me) while the other sits in silence. These are the times I say, as a child would to a Father, “Did you hear what I just said?” Of course, I KNOW God hears my every word. He “hangs on my every word”.
When I allow God the center stage and He speaks in my silence I ponder…inhale…exhale…trying to discern what should be said in response, if anything or what exactly He’s trying to tell me. I’m sure sometimes I must have that same painted, glazed look on my face that “Chatty Cathy” has….cute, but clueless! Sometimes God asks me: “Did you hear what I just said?” Of course, I usually have NO IDEA what He just said because I was off in another land “all about me!”
I thank God that He is willing to explain things to me over and over and over again; both verbally and nonverbally. He shows me through my life and the life of people I interact with, so many lessons on life. God ‘speaks’ to me and even confirms things with me sometimes subtly and sometimes direct and “in my face”. Whenever I’m entering the “Chatty Cathy” phase, I thank God that he hears beyond the repetition and He never tires of our “engaging” and authentic conversations.
Side note: Do you ever write something and ponder it and ponder it and ponder it and think… "this is incomplete!”
That is how I felt about this story…I shared that with my wonderful husband after I read this entry and this was his response: “that’s good I like it.”
I replied: “It just feels incomplete to me.”
He replied: “Maybe you should sleep on it.”
I retorted: “I’ve slept on it for a week now.”
He replied: “Okay, maybe the sleeping is over!”
I laugh and laugh and laugh as I post this somehow, incomplete post.
I hope it at least makes you laugh as you remember “Chatty Cathy!” Unless of course you’re under 34ish and had all those other dolls that spoke volumes and peed and ate and made “Cathy” seem somehow archaic…well you get the point!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I come from a long line of NON-huggers. My parents didn't hug us much after we were out of elementary school. My extended family doesn't hug and when we do ~ at weddings or events, it is awkward and "strange" for us. As I've shared in the past...I have walls around me that are NOT completely down yet (guess where they came from) and when people, I don't know at all, scale those walls and step into my space...to hug me...it freaks me out!
I have a friend at church that has missed quite a bit with a child who had been very sick. I say friend, though we really haven’t spent time together outside of church, we have this “connection” that goes beyond words. We are “spiritual sisters,” at least that’s how I can best explain it. I don’t know if you have ever had this kind of “friendship”, but it is unique in my experience and there are only a handful of people that I connect with beyond regular face-to-face interactions to this level.
One of the things I love most about her is her ability to openly show love. It's as though God has placed us together to blend our differences and teach us both. She is weak in her self-esteem. I am STRONG in this area. I am weak in openly showing love. She is STRONG in this area. It works…
I see her come in today and I always eventually meander my way to her side of the room and she always hugs me. Every person alive knows the language of “hugs”. The hugs I’ve experienced include:
The slap-on-the-back but hold bodies’ apart hug,
The quick embrace with shoulders touching hug,
The stand by my side put an arm over my shoulder and squeeze hug,
The shoulder grab-kiss-on-both-cheeks that the Europeans taught us, hug.
The quick, non-squeezing, non-committal, acquaintance hug,
The bear hug,
The manly slamming of the chests while mid-air hug,
And…finally…the I love you, my friend, and I will hold on to you hug!
This last hug is what I got this morning. This hug was so uncomfortable at first. It was NOT what I was USED to and it was not comfortable. Now, this hug means so much to me. As you may have gathered, I’m not a touchy-feely kind of friend. I CAN hug my friends and I do…but it’s typically quick and painless and fairly nondescript. When this friend hugs me, every single time, I walk away feeling like I am truly loved. I have value in her life. She cares for me.
I am going to work on my “hugs” this week and I pray I can offer to my friends and to the people I encounter the kind of hug I would WANT. I pray God would bring someone to me that is LIKE me...with walls and all...that I could hug and love as only He has shown me through others.
After 8 years of marriage and over 10 years "together", I still feel my heart go pitter, patter when I SEE him and I just go off into space when he holds my hand or kisses me! So sappy, I know, but honest! My husband truly is the completion of my heart. He is not only my other half, he is my BETTER half. In the words of every sappy, silly romantic movie, he is the part of me that illuminates life!
Thank you God for giving us eternal, heavenly love and thank you for our earthly spouse. I know they only BEGIN to mimic the love you have for us, yet they offer us this unique picture of ourselves through your eyes.
Time to get ready for church...
Friday, March 10, 2006
I know you’re sitting there thinking, “what for?”
I am craving (and woke up at 5:00 a.m. craving) a Krispy Kreme donut filled with either the Bavarian creamy stuff OR preferably that stuff that’s like wedding cake icing….Thank GOD I live a few miles away from that den of temptation or I’d be ‘stuffing’ myself without a thought to the icing or filling sprinkling my mouth as I torpedo the little delight in!
That may not seem like such “biggee” to those of you who live outside Oklahoma…but here, in the south (said with a drawl and the word ‘south’ has 2 syllables)…we ladies, carry ourselves with dignity and would never risk smearing our lipstick, God forbid having someone from Kickboxing class see us indulging in the carbohydrate death knoll of a Krispy Kreme donut, much less one FILLED with refined sugar. These episodes are strictly for the weak willed or those who can sneak it home and get in the closet before the feeling passes or the scent draws predators!
I settled for my usual breakfast of a South Beach Diet meal replacement bar…though it is the peanut butter and chocolate kind and quite yummy AND I have my peppermint coffee to top it all off…so I’m NOT hurtin’.
As far as KICKBOXING goes…I’ve seen people really succeed in it. The key to success, in my observation, has always been, they were YOUNG people; under 30 in fact! While I’m not Methuselah, I am not quite as limber and agile as I was when I WAS 30…I TRIED the Tae Boe tapes (in the privacy of my own home) and let me tell you…aside from looking like a complete goof while kicking, air-punching, etc, I dang near fell over BEFORE that darling and BUFF, Billy Blanks informed the viewers we might want to use a chair for balance! Good GRIEF…you don’t think that information would have been helpful BEFORE I fell down, do ya’? (side note: eject tape…put in next garage sale). Bear in mind, I NEVER took ballet as a child…standing on one leg for anything other then hopscotch, was strictly for the flamingos!
So…what is all this rambling about Krispy Kreme donuts and exercise venues have to do with anything…
First of all, if I have to EXPLAIN the craving of a Krispy Kreme donut, you either live in a place void of these carb killers, or you are a compliant diabetic avoiding the risk of immediate coma and death should your mouth receive one of these bad boys! But since you’ve read this far only to be mildly amused…I’ll proceed with the ‘life lesson’.
When my body craves something, sometimes it’s out of sheer desire, and I wait (sometimes) for the Holy Spirit fruit of “self-control” to guide me safely away from my fleshly desire back to peace in God’s desire. AND sometimes when our body craves something, food or non-food, it’s because we are lacking something vital that is provided by that ‘filler’. The filler could meet the actual need, i.e. craving salt when our bodies are depleted from exercise…or it could act as a placebo.
Speaking as someone who has traveled over half of her journey FILLING up on the placebo of FOOD when I was actually lacking something non-edible…emotional eating or emotional starvation is NOT the best place to be.
I’m not a psychologist, but I’ve traveled the journey myself and speak from experience when I say: God is the only one who can “FILL THE VOID”. God is the only one who can IDENTIFY the true void and fill it. God, as our creator, made us to be complete IN HIM! Each of us have that “God shaped hole” within, that needs to be filled. For me, this morning, this means I don’t NEED a Krispy Kreme donut to fill myself with goodness…while the Holy Spirit may not SEEM as appealing…I know the effects the Holy Spirit have on me are far more lasting then the fleeting taste of the Krispy Kreme donut.
“Out here on my own”.
Here are the lyrics I’m hearing:
We’re always proving who we are
Always reaching for that rising star
To guide me far, and shine me home
Out here on my own
When I’m down and feelin’ blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Help me through, help me need you
Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears,
I dry the tears I’ve never shown
Out here on my own...
I can remember, with clarity, when Irene Cara emoted this song. She didn’t just SING the song, she FELT it. Acting, yes, but very effective acting for the teenager I was when I saw it the first time.
If you made it past the “title” you can see that I’m in one of my dark, moody, most creative moods. It’s such a strange thing really: when I feel most down and most moody, I am MOST creative. I can hear and see with clarity what it is I NEED to see and hear to create. Thus: BEAUTY from PAIN! I don’t want to sound too melodramatic about this, I’m not “depressed” in the clinical sense, I’m just really introspective this week and through this ‘pain’ of self-reflection comes the ‘beauty’ of more self-awareness and a freedom to express myself in truth…
Comic aside ~ I can almost picture myself: I should probably be wearing some beret and carrying a big dilapidated canvas bag and sitting in a smoky coffee house listening to poetry via an open mic venue.
…Seriously, this introspection tends to come more frequently as I age and continue to see the path I’ve chosen is so far from the path I thought I’d be on right now.
I read this and re-read this as I self-edit and backspace and erase and rewrite and I see the skewed thinking. Let’s see if I can march out of this darkness back into light.
I’m thinking from my fleshly desires, and God has called me to something higher…focus outside ME and onto HIM as reflected in OTHERS. The problem in this HIGH STANDARD is my own selfishness. I am in no way in a “spiritual crisis” and trust me when I say I would recognize it because I’ve been down that pathway of “paddy cake with Satan” a time or two. I think it’s like I wrote the other day… sometimes God calls us to silence; to close our ears and our MOUTHS to NOISE and RAMBLING… STOP, DROP, KNEEL and wait to hear.
I’ll be honest I DO NOT KNOW how those MONKS do it! You know, those Tibetan monks that don’t speak for some unreasonably long time. I read about others who take a vow of silence for LIFE. I had a dear friend who, because of some “religious” belief, would go into “seclusion” under direct order of an elder or mentor. This translates to mean, no chatting on the phone or talking of any kind. This was some sort of ‘soul purge’ as I understood it. She would also eat minimally and only certain foods during this time. I thought it was the strangest thing. I guess it gets down to heart motivation again.
If God called me to silence, as He did Zechariah before John was born, He would have to be the one that sealed my mouth…because I have NO IDEA how I’d “handle it” much less be obedient to this request. I would be improving my sign language skills that’s for certain! Thank GOD, so far, this hasn’t been an issue.
I look now at the words of the song above and how the writer claims to be out on her own, yet she is always looking for SOMEONE or SOMETHING, in the form of LIGHT to bring forth who she has become. She even states; as the sun appears, it makes light of all her fears. I have to believe this is GOD TALK. I know (and I hope YOU KNOW) the only TRUE light is in the form of truth of God and I truly find who/what I was created to be in this light alone.
As I travel this journey, sometimes in the midst of clouds or fog I have to continue to seek and walk towards the light. I have to choose light. I have to choose a life of light! I also know that if I somehow get lost or lulled into the darkness, as SOON as I call on the name of Jesus, He will be there to lead me out.
The journey continues…
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Grandma: “Whose idea was it to do this?”
Granddaughter: “I don’t know…”
Grandma: “I’m going to ask you both one more time: Whose idea was it to do this?”
Granddaughter: (bursting into tears) “It was my brain, grandma. My brain comes up with these things and I do them. I can’t help it, I’m sorry!”
This is probably very much like some of my conversations with God. I can laugh at this story as I hear my friend tell it, but I can also see so much of myself in this granddaughter’s confession.
Sometimes I feel like such a fraud. Many days I thank GOD that only HE can see the “real Kim”. The not so pretty, not so encouraging, not so sweet woman ~ who comes to His throne (loaded down) daily to seek His forgiveness. The woman who comes to Him pleading with Him that it was “her brain” that made her do or say the things she did.
Sometimes I wonder if my ‘transformation in Christ’ was all a farce. Sometimes I have thoughts and feelings that are as far from who I want to be as the east is from the west. Sometimes I feel this rage boiling in me just looking for a place to pour out the overspill. Even worse, sometimes I do things and the pride wells up in me and it overcomes my flesh in a real, physical way. Most of the time I keep it tucked away in the bag I carry.
Sometimes I’m looking for any scapegoat to take the brunt of my own bad choices. Sometimes I put on the plastic smile to cover the snarling beast within. Sometimes that same smile covers the incredible pain I feel and helps cover the tears that are flowing in my heart. Sometimes I feel so out of control, so “EMOTIONAL”, that I can hardly face the day. Most of the time I keep this, too, tucked away in the bag I carry.
Sometimes I can’t even bring myself to speak about all of this because I just “KNOW” that no one could possibly relate and they would “judge me” for these thoughts and feelings, all inside this bag I carry.
I would no longer be the strong, invincible person I believe I appear to be. I would have to be honest….I would have to say: “I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. I don’t know why good things happen for BAD people. I don’t know and I’m pissed at God because I can’t understand this kind of ‘justice’.”
There I said it…I get pissed at God. I get pissed because He says He understands, but it FEELS like He could NEVER understand. He says His load is light…but I see NO place to lay my load down. He says put it at the foot of the cross…but it’s crowded over there and this stuff…my stuff…I’ve had it for so long I don’t know if I CAN lay it down and if I do it could be the source of ridicule and judgment if someone peaked inside. He doesn’t MAKE me lay it down…He invites me to GIVE it all to Him. Still I hesitate…I may NEED this bag I carry.
He says: “I love you so much and this love is the only bridge you need to me.”
He doesn’t say what I expect Him to say about my returning to this very place again. He has seen me here so often and yet His smile is the same and His love is the same and His touch is the same as it was all the other times I came to this place.
I expect Him to say: “What are YOU doing back again, and with that same OLD bag?”
Instead He says: “Come my child, come!” and His arms are open wide and I move slowly towards Him (testing these words) until I can fall into “Daddy’s” arms once again.
I don’t know why I can’t lay it all down. I don’t really understand why I would prefer to carry this bag around with me. I do unload some of it and it does get smaller and it does get lighter and some things don’t seem so necessary to carry…so I put them down as I age. Sometimes, others ask me to carry things for them…I used to say “of course I’ll carry it, I am strong, I am BIG and INVINCIBLE!”
Now I know…I cannot carry anything for anyone. I can’t even carry my own things. I pray that one day I can leave the whole thing at His cross and I can walk away with a lighter step. I can move forward and not run back or even turn back to see the “junk” I’ve left behind.
He has taken my “junk” (the stuff I’ve left) and He has dealt with it. He has redeemed me once again from my own undoing. I pray I won’t have to come back to this very place. Yet something tells me, in time, I’ll be back and He’ll be the same as He is everyday. He’ll be the same as He was today.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
First off, what is WRONG with us?
I came to this “world” without much expectation. Honestly, I was looking for a “journal” that was interactive and would help me grow in the gift of writing in which I hope to one day really blossom. As with every venue in life, we all come with different ‘baggage’ and expectation.
What I have found is real ~ live ~ people with the ability to write freely, but also to judge freely. I have found this “safe” place where ignorant people can “attack” others because they never have to look themselves, or their victim in the eye as the tears fall, and they do fall! I have learned to grow in discernment because it is required. I love to read other “blogs” but only in as much as they offer growth in spirit or in heart or in wisdom. I quickly move on if they are argumentative or judgmental. I almost feel like I did as a child when I would overhear my parents arguing about something…I shouldn’t be watching this or listening to this or in this case…reading this.
We have choices in our lives: to write or not write, to read or not read, to engage or not engage, to love or NOT to love. I realize life is not completely black and white, but as a Christian, my call is to live my life as Christ patterned; to be an example, to encourage and not tear down. Obviously I’m “not there yet”, but I can’t give up! I just can’t. There is the still small voice inside me even in the loneliest of wildernesses…where Jesus is walking with me and the Holy Spirit is whispering His love for me. That is what I want to do for others…guide them to the quiet place where they can hear that still small voice.
I have seen some ‘voices’ silenced out of fear or out of judgment and it feels as though we’re offering our “sisters and brothers” up on a platter to the enemy to devour.
My prayer today is that we would encourage those we know, forgive and love those we know and don’t know yet…and seek those who have never found that love to help them find the still small voice…the voice of Jesus!
I heard this song today at work and it always touches me. I sit in my little (and I’m not exaggerating) office and turn the “phone radio” up high enough to hear it without squinting my eyes. What’s that about by the way? Why do some of us squint our eyes where we strain to HEAR something…the eyes don’t have some special relationship to the ears do they?
(random and rambling…)
It’s probably good I don’t live on a coast somewhere, because I can assure you I wouldn’t get a thing done as I planted myself daily on that shoreline. It could be that I’m a mermaid that was ‘rescued’ from her ocean bound captor. That might explain my longing to be there. That would explain my absolute disdain for those dresses that constrict the legs and their independent movement. That might also explain my unusually large feet, if they were once flippers.
Whatever the case, I’m there now, if only in the memories trapped safely in the confines of my mind.