To me, admitting that my IQ is lower then someone else’s is akin to posting my name and weight in a major newspaper. I LOVE to win, which of course means; I HATE to lose. I hate to lose at things so much that I would rather not participate if I know there is someone present who is more likely to win then me. I don’t ‘buy’ the quote: “It is better to have tried and lost, then never to have tried at all!” Yeah right! It is BEST to try and WIN! I don’t remember who was second at anything (except the one Survivor where Colby came in second to Tina…that was memorable). For the most part I remember who is first, particularly in areas I would compete.
I can’t believe I just admitted that in “blogdom”. It’s been a struggle my whole life. I know most of the why’s and I’ll get there in a minute but let me go a bit further with all this and how it plays out in my life today.
I don’t play the game Monopoly and have even been known to toss a board or two in my time…because if I am not going to play…neither are YOU! Okay, so not only am I an overachiever, but I’m a moody, aggressive overachiever.
I mentioned before that I craft. What I failed to mention is I craft with a vengeance. I will often learn a new skill and craft and craft and craft until my fingers are blistered and calloused and burned (by those evil glue guns invented by Satan himself). Then I will be DONE. Once I have accomplished and conquered the craft…I am done. I don’t want to look at it again. I usually don’t even keep a ‘sample’ of what I’ve created. I’ve tried a LOT of crafts in my days.
I have mentioned how I get bored easily with jobs. I know this is largely because I have failed to “go for the gold”. I have failed to push myself to my limit in job searches, for fear of not measuring up…to my own unreachable standard. One good friend jokes with me about my ‘job-jumping’ past. We used to always joke that I needed a job with goals that required speed…like ‘ditch digging’ for example or any ‘factory-assembly-line’ type work. I am fast and furious in my work. This is an internal struggle with the ‘old-school’ lessons my dad taught me about staying with a job til retirement…which thankfully, is becoming more of a non-issue in current times. When I used to be considered a job-jumper I am now considered ‘diverse’ with multiple skill sets and an incredible ability to multi-task.
Since college graduation (unofficially in 1987…with a B.S. in Microbiology. I had an overdue library book I wasn’t aware of so my diploma is actually dated 1990) I have been employed as:
Research Assistant ~ Lab Accessioning Clerk ~ Medical Transcriptionist ~ Lead Computer Operator ~ Lead Phlebotomist ~ Q.C. Coordinator ~ Office Manager ~ Staffing Coordinator ~ Marketing Coordinator ~ Patient Services Coordinator (Office Manager in a medical setting) ~ Patient Scheduler ~ Patient Accountant, with some temporary assignments thrown in between as well. BTW the title coordinator is just a way of ‘fancifying’ a job title that lacks promotion potential and requires more work then the job without that title.
One of the numerous down-sides to this mentality, in business (most all businesses, I’ve found), is that the top of the heap requires the leap to management. Here goes another admission I hate making: I am not a good manager! No one will ever measure up to the standard I set…not even me. People become frustrated or just never try and I could not handle that. The few times I was in mid-management, I became very frustrated and had the ‘I’ll do it myself’ mentality because NO ONE could do it as quickly or as GOOD as me. This also collided with my desire to have people "like me" so staff were typically unaware of my chagrin, but I was doing the work!
Side note: You may have some idea why God immediately began work on my “pride” the minute I returned to Oklahoma and returned to HIM.
Obviously this crosses over into all areas of my life. I do not like to cook for others, because…that’s right…it has to be perfect and the BEST. My husband does most of the cooking. I will bake. I can bake well. I can accept that all desserts (unless burnt) are excellent, so no competition is necessary. There are areas too numerous to name in which this quality can overplay any potential lesson to learn and that is why I am seeking God’s wisdom and “healing” of this bondage.
Now let’s look at how this develops…
We all know how children jockey their parents for favor and recognition. I was second born…ultimately a “middle child” and while I don’t use that as an excuse, it sometimes offers some insight into who I am today. You must also know at this point that my parents (mostly my Mother) expected A's and even a B+ was not 'good enough'. She wanted what was best for us and didn't really know how to convey that without measuring us by our grades.
My older brother is the ultimate choleric/sanguine temperament. He is an overachieving, always in forward, extremely friendly and uninhibited, will try anything once, type of guy. He was a leader in his ‘pack’. He was gifted in school, even while he struggled with drug use. He was and is a gifted speaker and writer. He is creative. He is imaginative. He is loving and kind. He is a giver. He is a man who refuses to bend his beliefs to conform to something he doesn’t believe…at any expense. He is full of passion and a grand debater. He is one of those people who can get you to question your own beliefs if you sit and listen long enough.
I was born next. I actually had teachers say to me: “your M’s little sister, aren’t you? I hope you will be as ‘wonderful and perfect’ (this is what I heard) as he was.” No pressure there! So…I had to perform. I had to be better then him. I had a bit of an advantage in school because teachers, while embracing intelligence (to the point of ignoring you), also LOVE a quiet child. My brother was totally extroverted, I am a reformed introvert. Teachers loved me because I was quiet AND I did good work. My parents loved it because they didn’t even have to check my work and I brought home A's.
Let me tell all parents now…quiet does NOT equal compliance. The schools I attended were not mentally challenging for me, or stimulating. I do not remember ever having much homework, until college. This led not only to an inability to “study”, but also searching for and finding distractions and diversions without getting “busted”. I became sneaky. I was also an instigator. I could organize (in my quiet way) groups of rebellions with other students. Other students were drawn to me in middle and high school because hanging with me assured them an “A”, in homework, at least.
I had these ‘friends’ who were around for the “A” and they were sort of my stooges…they would do my dirty work and I could see it to fruition. As you might imagine, I became quite the manipulator and could lie without breaking a sweat. These are not good qualities to take into adulthood (unless you will be a used car salesperson, just kidding…calm down) and they are also hard ‘habits’ to break. Add to this my courses in drama and it just gets uglier.
I would find myself lying about stuff that didn’t really matter, just to see if I could convince someone it was true. Of course, in order to fulfill this ability, I needed the poor victim. I would seek and find the person who was naïve enough, or gullible enough to be led astray. I was one of the enemy's pawns…a gifted, mid-management pawn, but still a pawn. I didn’t even realize what I was doing…alas ignorance…the worst of all words! This quality obviously begins to seep into all areas of your life and you eventually find yourself living in a cesspool of lies and deceit and manipulation.
I digress…ultimately, in my story, the desire and obsession to be #1 crossed over into adulthood and into every area of my life. God only requests that I be the #1 Kim that He made me to be. He made me to reflect Jesus, the ultimate #1. His achievements were not necessarily tangible awards…rather they were service and sacrifice and giving…of everything…even his life, to redeem EVERYONE else’s life…including mine. I have to ask God, almost daily, to show me when I slide back into this habit and He is faithful to do not only that, but also to remove the chains of bondage and free me, daily, to be His child.
Hello, my name is Kim and I am a child of God!