New Background

Can You Hear Me Now?

Monday, January 23, 2012

With Age Comes...Silence?

I've noticed already that at my current age I'm somewhere past people listening to me and not being heard at all as an 'old' lady.

I've always been an observer of life. Observing relationships, marriage, parenting...all of it really. I remember seeing younger women ignoring older women and not really giving it much thought. Now the closer I get to this age of wisdom, the more I see this reality.

I suppose that's why so many young women repeat failed history...because they don't learn from the women who have already lived it.

Just observations from the edge...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Opportunity Or Failure?

I've decided to leave the ice plant. I actually decided that at the end of last summer. It's just not a good 'fit' (in the words of management training). I am not happy.

I really want to fill the God-Shaped hole with something that He created me for...I just don't want to believe that he intended me to ramble from one job to another searching, searching, searching...for something that seems unattainable.

I know others' who have jobs they were created to do and you can tell immediately the way they light up when they talk about it, or the way they perform that job. I've never felt that way. I think it's been a lifetime of settling and I'm tired of settling.

At first I saw it as opportunity...after opportunity...after opportunity. Now I struggle with feelings of failure. Maybe I'm just a failure at stick-to-it-ness. Maybe I am incapable of committing to something long enough to see if it is the 'fill' for this God-shaped-hole.

Struggling with these feelings as it seems to be a culmination of a long life and a long list of failures, both professionally and personally.

I do THANK GOD for my marriage. I have a husband who encourages me and is faithful and I trust his love.

Thank you God for the joy of this covenant marriage and I pray you would lead these next steps and remove the lies of defeat.

Monday, January 09, 2012


I went to a dinner with the women from my church Bible Study tonight. I have had a hard time 'fitting in' with many of these women for the past 12-14 weeks and tonight as I sat at dinner and just observed...I realized I am just not like these women. I know it sounds like a 'pat' answer, but I feel truly out of touch with much of what is discussed.

Yet somehow, we find a way to come together and join our spirits (for a time) and share our experiences (for a time) and grow together. It's still hard to realize I want so much more than this small group can offer or be. I think I'll sit out the next study and maybe do a time of inner-reflection and do the study on my own.

You know what I love about 'blogging' and writing when I have a day that's filled with the daily drudgery and a disappointing evening, I can come to this computer and safely pour it out without judgement from myself or others. I love that this release is my way of letting God know exactly where I am...without the masks, without expectations, without pretense.

I am supposed to be doing a daily entry in an art journal, but I haven't started yet. I guess my 365 days can start on any date. I'm looking forward to this release and hoping it provides direction and release.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

A Time to End

I have a feeling my position in ice may soon be ending. Nothing concrete...just a feeling. Looking forward to a career and not just settling with jobs.

More on this later...time to go to make ice...for now.

Sunday, January 01, 2012


It's a new year and with it brings feelings of anticipation and renewed hope. I love that like our limitless supply of grace and mercy we also get a new day and a new year with some regularity.

Our message at church this weekend was about what we are doing with the 'dash'...that time between birth and death...that is represented by a dash on our tombstone.

Pastorman reminded that it is futile to try to fill our dash with things (food, jobs, even kids)...if we allow God to show us how to fill the dash we will have a much more fulfilled and JOY filled life and living the purpose God designed us for.

The first step for me is the job. I cannot continue to work at this place where I feel no passion whatsoever about the outcome. I have got to find a job that I feel passionate about...the job that God created me to do.

Whether it's artistic in nature directly or through written word or through helping is out there and I will selectively find it...with His help of course.

So, I set about 2012 in search of my God given purpose, in terms of my career.

Let's see where this ends...and 2012 begins.