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Can You Hear Me Now?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

In Response...

So I’m pondering the questions from yesterday in accepting Sister Claire Joy’s ‘challenging’ response to perhaps do a follow-up with the answers I find. I did pray for much of my day yesterday and here is my ‘stop and catch my breath’ moment.

I followed up my posting yesterday by just asking God why I was feeling such emptiness with regards to life (work, church, family, friends, etc). I’ve found that if I don’t ASK for His view, I sometimes get stuck in my own distorted views. It’s akin to asking God to reveal my unspoken, deeply hidden sin. For me it’s the ‘junk’ I have packed away in the darkest recesses of my heart and mind, thinking I’ll never have to deal with it and even proclaiming it is gone. It is that junk I’ve written about a few times that I keep lugging AWAY from the cross.

I have not felt PASSION about any of it, where did the PASSION go? Of course then the enemy sneaks up and says: “so maybe you never had any PASSION about any of it to begin with!” He is truly pure evil…and he tried to pass himself off as God again. He tried to sound very sincere and worried about it…which immediately clued me in that it was NOT God. God doesn’t worry…God knows the outcome and so does the enemy!

I’ve been feeling really disconnected, almost isolated, from friends. I have felt little zeal about my work at church. It’s as though every book I read and get so excited about, only discourages me further when I feel like so many people aren’t even committed enough to COME to church, much less WALK AS A BODY!

We proclaim to want to be a community and serve our community, but we can’t even show up and share when we’re hurting? We can’t be honest enough about where we are in our life to seek the wholeness God has for us in this community? I know there will always be those who are just “playing church”. I also KNOW that the change starts with me.

I don’t want to lose this battle and I rarely give-up, so...when people don’t COME to church, we are to GO…take church to them. Church is not a building, it’s a lifestyle! Church is NOT a sermon, safely packed in 25-30 minutes (if your lucky) of oration. Church is love-exhibited in service…for everyone.

I have felt an aching emptiness and out-of-control with my sister’s situation. I felt leftover emptiness from Mother’s Day. I was looking for any valid excuse to just go home sick and seal myself in my bedroom, throw the covers over my head and wallow in the piggishness of it all! My emotions were once again running away with me.

At that moment of escape, I asked God to remind me of the joy so richly planted in my soul, to let me feel that joy. You see I learned some time ago that joy is not some sap-happy state. Joy, in the biblical sense, is emotional stability and that’s what has been severely lacking in my life the past week or so. What happened to me yesterday is that God reminded me of THAT joy! The fruit of the H.S. joy! The eternal…for the rest of my life…there when I seek it…since the day I was saved…joy!

It is with that reclaimed spirit that I come to these questions again today.
1. How can I align the passions of my heart with my day to day life?

The passion cannot be limited by the earthly self-defeating definition of “intense emotion” rather it is the definition of Jesus Christ’s suffering that I must choose to push my heart forward day to day. For me this means as I continue to seek God’s will in my life…the very God who placed a passion in me through sacrifice…will unfold the destinations He desires in my journey

2. Where is this road going anyway…and who chose it?

The road I’m on depends on me. God gave me, gave us, free-choice. The moment came when I chose to get off MY road (leading to ‘worse then NO-WHERE’) and get ON God’s road leading to my destiny. God won’t reveal the final destination...what faith would that require? Instead He asks me to trust him no matter WHERE the road leads and stay close to Him on this journey.

3. Am I the result of my environment or is MY environment a result of me?

I agree with Sister Claire Joy: YES on both counts. I am a result of the things I experience. Including but not limited to things I ~ see, feel, perceive, hear, taste, touch, and think ~ my environment. My environment is then a result of me, which then affect and effect others’ environment. We are a global blend! Hey new coffee idea, global blend! Grab that one Starbucks…well; it might be a bit too strong for some folks.

4. Is ignorance better defined as gaining all the wisdom of the world but choosing not to walk in it or is it in never attaining any wisdom?

For me, ignorance is never attaining or seeking to attain wisdom. To gain all the wisdom of the WORLD and still chose not to walk in it…is wisdom! God calls me to walk in HIS wisdom, not the WORLD’S skewed and selfish wisdom. AHA: trick question!

5. Is it better to seek and NOT find, or to not seek and be found?

This made me think of the game hide-n-seek…a game I spent many hours of my youth playing. We never wanted to be ‘it’…to have to go search and FIND others. Why was that? The irony of that is now I’m always the one asking to go FIND ‘it’.

There are so many answers to this question for me. At immediate glance I think I’d rather be found, and not seek. Then, knowing ME, I would go crazy WAITING! I have to get out and go seek. There are so many wonderful ‘discoveries’ we make in these little adventures. In my ‘seeking mode’ I have found friendship, jobs, homes, hobbies, talents, church-family…my poetic side would even say…I’ve found my heart!

So in the midst of my weakness, God is once again made strong. He has reminded me of His presence and PASSION is His 1st name! God has such PASSION for each of us and I pray we can all hold on to it today and everyday and perhaps tomorrow offer it to someone else.
Happy Wednesday!
"...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-25


GiBee said...

Um, Kim -- you are NOT in control of your sisters situation, hun. Only God can make changes happen.

But, you ARE in control of your prayers... so keep taking her to the Lord in prayer. And keep loving her. And encouraging her. And uplifting her.

I've left her a comment that I'll be praying for her too.

And, K -- I'm praying for you too. I know all too well the emotions you had on mom's day. My heart is aching for you, and I'm praying for God's comfort to soothe you.

Love you!

Kristen said...

Wow. You never fail to make me think. Thank you for that.

Dismantle Queen said...

Once again, you have me speechless, I read your blog everyday, and find myself deep into soul searching, where is my heart, am I being true to God, am I living my life the way he wants?
When I am feeling this way, for some reason I am drawn to you, your words are encouraging, And as you may question yourself,I can asure you the outcome of reading your words, are fullfilling. I want to say thankyou, you write words of faith and wisdom, you are on the right track ,My prayers a with you.

Claire Joy said...

Boy oh boy, am I glad you took these to another level. You've given me a wonderful lot of stuff to think some more about...

Praying for your Prodigal said...

Whew! Speak it Sista! And a resounding AMEN!

You have given me JOY just by reading your post. My heart lept as I read your journey. I feel a connection with so much your have written and felt such joy as you came around the corner to the really heart of the matter: God is our Father, our Creator, our Healer, our Provider, our Redemption, our EVERYTHING. When we rest in His plan for our life and lean on His strength when we falter--we can't go wrong; even with a few u-turns from time to time. We're mere mortals after all!

Blessings to sister! You are not alone in this journey.


Shalee said...

Kim, Sometimes you make my brain spin with these really good questions and your answers. Thank you again for encouraging me to think beyond my day to day concerns and to delve deeply into thoughts of God. You are so good for me!

absonjourney said...

You are right about the church being those who are not there as well as those who are there. I too grow frustrated when people don't show up, but I know who is in charge and it's not me. Remember the quote from Transformation "When will Jesus be enough?" It's been my starting point for dealing with this frustration. Praying for you!

tam said...

It makes me so joyful for you to see such an impact on so many...I'm telling you God is using you in really big ways...Just lean into Him, continue doing what you're doing and you'll reap His blessings...