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Friday, May 12, 2006

Another Perspective

Not so long ago Mrs. Trade-off reported on the “Trade-off Pediatric Center” (refer to March 2, 2006 entry). It was hilarious and offered some wonderful insight to a more user-friendly clinic. I’m going to share today from the office staff perspective. *Please note since arriving at this facility over five years ago (a record length for me) I have worked all positions with the exception of nursing, okay and physician (at least with paying patients)!

KPJARA “Job Til Darling Husband Finishes School” Clinic

1. Entry to the clinic is limited to those who can actually read and write.
2. There will be an online entry requirement test. The doors will remain closed until such time as you complete the test within the time allotted.
3. If you arrive more then 5 minutes AFTER your scheduled appointment time (including time for aforementioned entry exam), access will not be granted, no exceptions. AND If this is your 2nd missed appointment no future appointments will be made (creative excuses, while amusing to staff, do not increase the likelihood of your status).
4. Do not just ‘stop by’ hoping to be seen today. If this is an emergency, please proceed to the emergency room. If the doctors do “squeeze” you in, please do not complain about the wait, there are also people waiting...who have actual appointment time-slots.
5. If you are a minor (under 18) and your parent is attempting to drop you off for an appointment you will not be authorized to enter. (Video surveillance is used to ensure identification).
6. If you have a copay or have an outstanding balance please feel free to utilize the APM (automated payment machine) to make all past due payments, copays, etc. Entry will NOT be gained until such time as payment is received and receipt is dispensed.
7. Upon entry to the clinic area, please have a seat in the available waiting area. The only bathroom is back in the hallway where you started.
8. The magazines are not for doodling, note-taking, reading-aloud time. The magazines are not free and we will NOT make copies of every little joke and recipe you find appealing. The magazines are available for purchase at the 7-11 down the street.
9. Please PICK-UP your trash and valuables and take them with you upon exiting the waiting room and/or exam rooms. Including but not limited to: dirty diapers, half empty coke cans, food wrappers, used Kleenex, plastic bags full of ???, broken shoes, phones, keys, purses. If you forget to take these with you do not ask us to find them later. We dispose of all non-clinic related items every hour.
10. Please control your children. Children are not authorized to trot, crawl, run, scream, scream AND run through the hallways or any clinic area. No, we do not think it is “CUTE”.
11. We do not baby-sit during your appointment so take your child into the exam room with you please.
12. If it is time to breastfeed your child, do not complain when other patients or DOCTORS are watching you.
13. When called to the NEW PATIENT Check-In area, please have all paperwork completed, signed, READ, and insurance cards on your person for copying.
14. If your demographic information has changed, please notify us, our mindreader only works once per month and they're not here today.
15. The HIPAA guidelines are for YOUR protection. We hate them too, but Uncle Sam has spoken. If you want ANYONE else to have access to your records (i.e. spouse to be in exam room with you, or call in medical concern, or parent of 21 year old making payment on account) they must be included on the ‘release form’, no exceptions. It does not help to scream and threaten to “SUE” if you don’t get your way. The fine for 1 infraction is $25,000.
16. If you work in a physician’s office or have any experience in the medical field it does not increase your “likeability” standard to remind everyone you encounter of that privilege.
17. If you are speaking on the cell phone when your name is called to the exam room and do not hear the announcement, do not continue to ask why you have not been called back to the clinic. It is not our responsibility to notify you of this announcement.
18. If you are unhappy with the waiting time and/or the former rules and regulations, please notify the DOCTOR as they ARE the only people who can make changes.
19. Please have all medical questions ready for the nursing/medical staff as support staff are not trained to answer these items. If you “forgot” to ask something please return to the nurses station and wait for available personnel.
20. Please do not cough, sneeze, etc. without covering your mouth. We have placed Kleenex boxes in every exam room and support staff desk for your convenience. Please do not become offended when we spray the station with Lysol and perform a “bleach solution” clean-up.
21. During the check-out procedure, please do not flirt with, or ask out on dates, any support staff. We are not allowed to date “patients” and typically WOULDN’T date work comp patients on TTD (temporary total disability).
22. Please do not threaten to “kill” any of the support staff for what you deem unfair treatment. It creates a wall between you and us that cannot be UN-built. We will prosecute.
23. If you are unhappy about pricing, please notify the DOCTOR as they set the prices.
24. If you do not have insurance, please expect to pay SOMETHING at each visit, to be determined by the DOCTOR. We do not except payment in the form of merchandise or services promised. Bringing “gifts” to the doctor does not pay our salary.
25. We do discuss “problem patients” during weekly staff meetings and “firing” problem patients is a fairly common practice.

Thank you for visiting our clinic!
Time for our weekly meeting...Have a happy Friday and remember to smile!


Morning Glory said...

I think I've been in the waiting room with some of those people.

GiBee said...

Oh, my word ... girl! You're so creatve and funny!