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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Half-Life

‘Perhaps Strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken…but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.’

I saw this in a catalogue, on a plaque and it is such a large part of where I am in my journey right now. I wish I could find who said/wrote it. I did a search but came up empty (other than other blogs/xangas/etc).

I don’t feel ‘broken’ but I do see how God is beginning to use the courage it took/takes to endure and grow strong in the brokenness of my own life. Every time I try to put to logical sentences what my heart is processing it becomes distorted and skewed from the original meaning.

I sat in church on Sunday and wrote a poem while waiting to start…let’s see if it makes any more sense. I honestly haven’t looked at it since Sunday but somehow I feel prompted to include it here.

Half-Life
By: kpjara

Dead and dying walk the earth
Seeking, searching for their very worth

It seems elusive so distant and so far
They sustain themselves wishing on a far away star

Even now the Father calls them near
To lay it all down…the worry and the fear

Strength and Courage are theirs from God
But Pride & Hatred becomes their sod

God loves with passion uncompared
And yet they stumble aimless and unprepared

Every day they seek to fill their empty soul
Waiting for the moment they will one day become whole


I find myself more and more often feeling nudged towards purpose and utilizing the gifts God has given me. Instead of wrapping myself in doubt and self-criticism…I really want to find a way to just walk towards the goals I am sure God has set, and let go of this half-life that it seems I’ve set myself to living.

So…in the midst of that…the poem came and then the women I prayed with…and then last night I was selecting a ‘light read’ for bedtime and I grabbed a book my sister has been driving me crazy to read for…gosh….a couple of years. I hadn’t read it. I don’t know why. I suppose I always had other ‘reads’ ahead of it…and it seemed a bit ‘fluffy’ to me (based on the intro and jacket). SO I pull it off the shelf and lo’ and behold its dealing with my exact angst.

I know you’re dying to know what it is…and I’ll share the title with you but let me just preface by saying I haven’t completed it yet…but I will probably finish it tonight or tomorrow…so I don’t have a formal review, just thoughts and a real desire to dive in and finish it.

Any guesses?

It’s The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. I told you it’s an old read. I almost feel like I’m the last one in the world to read it, but even so, I’m sure it’s in the timing God had allotted for me to ‘find it’.

If you’ve read it you know what I mean by this statement: “I feel like if I go to pick up my feather from the window-sill, it will be nothing but dust.” If you haven’t read it…suffice to say my God-given gifts are laying waste while I ‘decide’ how to implement His dream for my life. Or better worded…how I try to re-write the script He has already written for me. That’s what it feels like anyway.

I’m not saying that my current ‘occupation’ (and I use that term extremely loosely) is a wash…because God has been dealing with my serious pride issues for well over 5 years now (at least as I receive it). He has also been preparing me and ‘aging’ me like a fine wine…and molding me and just grooming me in preparation for what I think is very much at hand…and very soon from the life-cues I’m being given!

What does all that cryptic talk mean? I don’t know, in full. I do know this…I am standing in a hallway with many doors to choose from and God is shining His light on the one He would like me to pass through…question is…will I? and how many OTHER doors must I pass through before I finally succeed in following Him?

Have a Thursday blessed with dreams from the One True Dream Giver!

6 comments:

MommaB said...

Good read and you have an even better comprehension of it. I pray that He continues to lead you to the door of His choosing and that you find the peace, joy and contentment on the other side... the kind that only He can give!
Blessings!

Dawn said...

You have such an amazing mind - to be able to sit waiting for church to begin and compose a poem. You always have such great thoughts running through your mind. I feel like I'm just running on auto-pilot most of the time!

Morning Glory said...

Blessings to you as you walk ahead. The really great thing is that sometimes God walks before you, sometimes along side of you and sometimes He pushes from the rear when you need a boost, but He's always there!

Nancy said...

Nice poetry and what a talented lady you are! Thanks for sharing, as you stand in the hallway may God be your guide.
Blessings,
Nancy

FarmgirlCyn said...

Always food for thought from you. Seek and ye shall find...

tam said...

The poem is a keeper! So good! Wasn't sure you'd post on this but so glad you did..!

What talent! What gifts she has and gives for all to enjoy!

(i promise...i didn't idea steal...I didn't read this until after my post on sunday!)