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Monday, January 15, 2007

Bottle Water Snob!

First things first…winter is upon us. The blanket of ice (times 2) is so well crusted over that the weight of an average human…heck even the weight of a mid-sized vehicle does NOT break through. It looks like snow…it feels like ice. I stayed home from work today. Just one more day to go (at the ‘old’ job) and I’m starting the new job Wednesday…hopefully!

One of the women from our church had a new baby just before the storm and my husband and I have decided this new child is the epitome of an oldie (and not so goody) “ice ice baby!” I was already calling him “K-2”, so clearly he is a winter baby!

So I wanted to get good shots of the storm to share, unfortunately I have been house-bound since Friday and while we went over to my parents house to take mail in and dig frozen newspapers up from the covered driveway…we went nowhere else…until today. OH...well there was the near chocolate emergency, but I found a 'stash' of chocolate at my moms house and was able to subdue the beast within!

I captured the picture to the left from my front entryway where the crape myrtles usually thrive. The other pic is looking down our street from the front yard. Looks fairly benign...feels quite different to walk and drive on. It reminds me of what the tundra must be like!

I was SUPPOSED to go pick up paperwork from my NEW employer on Friday to take a drug test. Obviously with the storm, I decided against it. I decided to go today instead. We traveled to the worksite first to pick up the paperwork and then headed over to the laboratory.

I had my bottle of water with me and that was following coffee at home this morning and more water. I intentionally did NOT use the restroom prior to leaving so that I would have NO problem producing my sample.

We arrive safely at the lab and I complete my obligatory paperwork, followed the technician back to the restroom and proceed to listen to her lengthy instructions. The vital instructions were as follows:

Do not turn on the water,
Do not flush the toilet,
You have exactly 4 minutes,
You must give a 60 mL sample (equaling approximately 1 inch in the cup)

I’m thinking…no problemo! I take the cup, go into the restroom, and proceed to provide my sample. As women we know it’s an art form to aim into this little cup while trying not to dip our hand into the toilet water, and straddling the seat with pants around our ankles. Apparently it’s an art form I do not possess.

As I’m attempting to get the cup in place, while straddling, my sample begins going down the drain (literally). I sit there as the technician from the other side of the door reminds me of my remaining time. As if I don't feel enough pressure to complete this sample in a timely manner, but alas…it just doesn’t happen. I have failed the submission portion of the exam.

My new instructions which are shared through condemning eyes are:

Drink more water.
Do not leave the building.
Let them know when I’m ready for my next attempt.

They had a television in the waiting room, my husband was entertained watching the Young and the Restless, while I’m trying to focus my innermost self on producing a sample within the shortest time. I watched about 6 other ‘patients’ come and go and I tried to will myself to produce my sample.

I drank a total of three bottles of water…TAP water (remember how I informed you Oklahoma tap water MOLDS)…yep, I must really want this new job! I drank the not-so-tasty tap water until I finally felt that all familiar urgency. I prayed the sample wasn't tainted by the minerals and metals I was tasting in the beverage.

I informed the technicians I felt ready to proceed and paced around while they prepared my paperwork. The technician told my husband he should have tickled me into producing…ha-ha-ha. I couldn’t imagine them wanting to wring the sample out of my pants…so let’s move this thing along.

I repeat the hand washing and select my sample cup…go into the restroom and now that I have mastered the straddle, hold and produce routine, my sample is obtained in record time (record time for me that is). I bring the cup out…wash hands, initial my sample, dump the excess (they have a lot of gall to ask me to dump the coveted sample!) and off we go! It reminded me of the movie “Eight Seconds”.

So, I’m home again. The roads are passable but not safe. We have watched movies and taped television all weekend…let me do a quick review for you:

The Family Stone- loved it…husband hadn’t seen it.
Little Miss Sunshine-funny but a bit dark for my tastes.
Taxi –HILARIOUS. I love Queen Latifah!
RV-HILARIOUS…I also love Robin Williams.
Vertical Limit-Good and edge of seat.
The Good Girl-Not-so-much. Did I really watch the whole thing?

Today we are going to watch “Bringing Down the House”.

We’ve also tried new recipes:

Baked Potato Soup (from a new recipe)-very tasty.
Breakfast Casserole-pretty good…I don’t love corn flakes on my casseroles.
Taco Chicken-very good “new one” for us.
Baked submarine sandwiches-good standby

Today we’re having Baked Ziti (a wonderful recipe of one of my best friends)!

Suffice to say we also have a ton of leftovers. Thankfully my darling husband will eat leftovers…me…not-so-much! I wish someone would write a decent ‘cookbook for two’ or magazine of this nature. I’ve tried some of those little check-out cookbooks for two and frankly they are either for advanced chefs or not interesting or appealing to my taste buds.

I’m looking forward to catching up with my reading this evening and returning to some semblance of normalcy…even returning for my last day at my ‘soon-to-be’ ex-employer tomorrow!

Have a filtered water sort of Monday, I've got to use the restroom...again!


Morning Glory said...

I'm sitting here laughing my head off. Fortunately I don't have to pee.

When we got married 36+ years ago, one of my gifts was a Betty Crocker cookbook for two. I actually used it early on, and have looked at it again in recent months. It's not too up with what's good for us these days, but the quantities are for two.

Good luck with the new job!!

Anonymous said...

I had to give a sample verytime I went tomy doctor when I was pregnant - so I turned it into an art form myself - even with a HUGE tummy!! I had a permanent bladder infection while I was pregnant, that's why I had to do that.

Anonymous said...

Oh man can I relate. My father in law did that recently but he collaspes the cup in his hands as he was walking out and he sat covered in pee and drinking water to get the new sample. Kim please dirtect people to my blog today I want Keivn lifted in prayer everyday and the more people that see it the better it is likely to happen everyday.
Love ya!

Anonymous said...

ROFL!! Oh, what an image you have provided. I've had to take drug tests for jobs before, but don't recall ever having a time limit. I mean, that's just cruel and way too much pressure.

Sounds like you guys have been making the best of an icy situation.

Anonymous said...

Man, that sounds like the most difficult drug test ever! I've never been told a specific needed amount or been given a time limit. Of course the last drug test I had was 6 years ago when I got my current job. I'm sure things have probably changed! I hope you enjoy your new job!!

Sally said...

Oh Kim thank you for a much needed laugh- sorry to laugh at your discomfort but you tell the story so well!
Peace and blessings

Dawn said...

This has me LOL and ROFL! You are so funny. I know exactly what you mean about that stupid procedure. But standing at the door and timing you?? What's up with that? Unbelievable! So glad you succeeded.

As for cookbooks - I got one called "Dinner for Two Cookbook" for a shower almost 35 years ago. Really good, basic recipes. Nothing fancy. It's probably out of print since it's so old.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh! I'm still laughing! I thought I was the only one who can't 'pee' on demand! Thanks for sharing your story, and making me once again feel like, in this world, there is nothing that has happened to me that is truly unique - or humiliating! You rock!

Shalee said...

I want to come to your house for dinner!!!

And who times a urine sample? That's just weird!