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Can You Hear Me Now?

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Trying to Make Sense of It All...

I got a call last night on the way home from a friends…it was my mother…it was late. My mother doesn’t call late, so I knew something was ‘up’. Here is how it went…

“Kim, I wanted to let you know your sister tried to kill herself on Thursday evening.”

“She WHAT?” I asked, not really believing what I heard.

“She took an overdose of Zol%ft and tried to kill herself.” She repeated.

“Where is she? How did you find out? Is she okay? Where are the kids?” It all seemed to ramble from my numb mind.

My mom went on to give me the now meaningless details. I quickly explained to my husband, got into bed, told him I didn’t want to pray, and laid there thinking and just getting angrier and angrier.

My sister experienced a suicide of one of her best friends this past year, whose husband had died of an overdose not 3 months prior. They leave behind a son who is now in therapy and attending a ‘special school’ because he can’t cope with such loss…what person could, not to mention a 16-17 y.o. young person! She has seen what it has done to the remaining family and we have talked about the ‘survivors’ grief and subsequent tribulations.

Yet somehow this was the best ‘answer’ for her marital woes. I honestly don’t understand that. I don’t understand (and probably never will) how someone would risk the well being and health of their own children because they are having marital trouble. As much as I love my husband (and I love him FIERCELY), my life is not defined BY HIM. My life would continue if he broke our marital vows…either via forgiveness or dissolution of the marriage. And we don’t have children who look to us for support and love!

I just have a hard time imagining getting to a place of no return. A place where no other thought, except “I must die to escape” comes to mind.

Her 16 y.o. daughter has already pondered if it is her fault. I don’t know how her 10 y.o. son is coping. Her husband is acting as if nothing is wrong. I sit here this morning remember my sister telling me that she “would rather die than live without (enter husband’s name)”. I asked her, even then, about the kids…and she told me then (apparently without believing it) that she wouldn’t put her children through that. I wonder if I should have intervened then…if I don’t actually hold some blame here.

The truth is…who is to blame doesn't matter. It’s not about blame. My sister made her own choice under the influence of the enemy. God is a God of life. Christ DIED for us to live! This decision comes straight from the depths of hell. I am angriest at satan for his pitiful pleas to us daily to ‘come play paddycake’. For anyone who happens upon this and wonders…does satan really exist…I will affirm loudly YES!!!!!!!!!!!

The story is too long to process here…but I am so angry and my mom made it clear she doesn’t want me calling my sister until I can move to the next phase of this process. I promised I wouldn’t call until I could calm down. I have only this left to say.

There are 5 stages of grief, according to researcher Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I am angry. This is my journal. This is my story. I am angry!

Please have a pray-full Sunday and thank you in advance for prayers for my sister and her family. And PLEASE...if you are considering suicide as a means to 'solve your problems' get help! Call a hotline, a friend, a pastor, go to a church, or even a hospital. And remember NOTHING is too big for God!


Serenity said...

Im so sorry Kim. As someone that has gone down that path of suicide, I understand what your sister is dealing with. I know "some" people say suicide is a cowards way out. I say it is not. I have a constant reminder of that via my wrist. The first cut is what is known as a "hesitation cut", which means youre really not wanting to die but then you start thinking about all that youre going thru and come to the realization that dying has to be a lot better than the current hell youre in. I attempted suicide 5 or 6 times, each time surviving. The last time was a wake up call and I havent treied it since. Do I think about doing it again? Yes

I know youre angry but please just be there for your sister. Maybe at this point, she'll realize that it isnt worth it and will get the help she needs to work thru her issues so she isnt put back into this position again.

My prayers are with your family

Morning Glory said...

Kim, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'll pray for you and your family.

I know from experience that when a loved one does something like this, it isn't about me or you or any other family member. It's about her and her anguish. At the point where someone tries to do this, I believe mental illness prevents them from thinking clearly. I don't mean mental illness as a "crazy" person, but illness that impares the ability to think rationally. At the stage where she decides death is better than the pain she feels, she is most vulnerable. She needs love, along with complete acceptance and forgiveness by her family. The family needs to "circle the wagons" and move heaven and earth to find help for her.

Yes, satan uses these times to find the vulnerable spots, but when my family was in the middle of this, I was determined satan would not claim my child or my family. What your sister did has disrupted your sense of normalcy and it will never be the same again. But God can soothe your anger and turn you into an instrument of healing for this sister that you love so much.

It's your blog; continue to vent. But please know that there are a lot of people out here who will pray for you during this time.

Sally said...

oh Kim- prayers for your siuster, her family and for you (((()))))

R.G. said...

Praying for your sister and her family, Kim. And I'm praying for you, too. Remember -- NOTHING is too big for God -- not even your anger. Give it all to Him. He will walk you through this.

Praise God that you DON'T know what it feels like to be suicidal. (Many of us can't say the same thing.) And keep asking Him for the compassion you'll need to get through this. Your sister needs your love now more than ever. Let Jesus love her, through you.

Anonymous said...

Great post...

You would be tremendously surprised at how the Enemy of our souls is trying to destroy us.

Great blog. Keep it up

sarah said...

OH my! Kim, we are here for you and will uphold you in our prayers (and your sister and her family, too.) I'm sorry I don't have any great words of comfort or wisdom for you in this, but just know that I'm here and I care.
Please do not blame yourself. You are right - this was the work of Satan. I know it is hard to pray when you are angry, but I truly believe that praying is the best thing that you can do right now - for yourself, for your sister, for her kids. May God's LIGHT overcome the darkness in this situation. We love you, Kim. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Spookie the Warrior said...

Kim, how awful. I am so sorry. I am so thakful that she didn't succeed so that you can be angry instead of heartbroken. I am thankful she is still alive to receive God's healing and love and to experience the love and forgiveness of her family too. My heart immediately goes out to her for I cannot imagine either how desparately depressed and lonely and dark ones world must seem to take such drastic measures. I pray that Christ will intervene in their marriage and bring His healing there too. That He will restore your sisters heart and mind and that they all will come to rely on Jesus as their saviour. Kim, I know that you will be there for your sister in every way she needs you to be and that the anger you feel will soon turn into a burden of love for her. You are a strong woman and witness of God's strength and love in your own life. I am lifting you and your sister and her family and yours up before our God in prayer.

Love you lots and lots!!

Shalee said...

Oh Kim. I am so sorry for this turn of events. I know that Michelle has a lot on her plate, but I never imagined that it was so heavy of a burden for her that she would consider burying herself like this.

Let me pray for her, for her family and for you right now.

Father, we know that you have a perfect plan for each of these wonderful people, even when they step outside on their own. Please comfort Michelle in her feelings of hopelessness. Reveal to her the truth that you are able to sustain her through anything, even this. Oh Father, be with each of her, children, comfort them, surround them with arms of love right now, be it through others in your family or your own loving arms. Let them fall into your arms, giving all their fears, hopes and frustrations to you. As satan tries to work confusion into their minds, bat it out and let them see fully the truth of life in you, that they are in no way responsible, that they do have the support that they will need to endure. Lastly, I pray that my dear friend Kim would release all this pent up anger to you. Give her the avenue to be a sister to Michelle, full of support and love and pillar of strength in you. Let her husband be a comfort to her, helping her with this terrible time. Please help Kim to trust that you are the storyteller, that your promises have never been broken and that you are in the midst of it all, loving, crying and most of all that you are capable of "fixing" it and using it for your glory, healing them all in the process.

Thank you for your Son who made our approaching you a reality, not a wish. It is through his blessed name I pray, knowing that you heard every word written and every one uttered in my heart, Amen.

Kim, I love you dear friend. Please call if you just want to vent or if you want a sounding board.

Love you,


FarmgirlCyn said...

Kim..I am praying. The other comments have said it all. Now we pray.

great2beme said...

All I can say is I am deeply sorry this has hurt you and someday in the future I will go into deeper explaination but you should know there was nothing to intervene back then. At that time, I really thought I would never be that far gone. I am sorry for your anger and I can tell you at that moment the thing I thought about the most was how much better off everyone, especially K and the kids would benefit because I would no longer be there to mess up and bring grief. I know you don't get it and you won't (THANK GOD) but just know I didn't mean to hurt I wanted to help.

hottgirl_02 said...

I can't believe
I am praying for you in all ways!
I am very sorry this has hurt you
I am sorry for your anger and everythinggggg
Kimmy G.