I got a call last night on the way home from a friends…it was my mother…it was late. My mother doesn’t call late, so I knew something was ‘up’. Here is how it went…
“Kim, I wanted to let you know your sister tried to kill herself on Thursday evening.”
“She WHAT?” I asked, not really believing what I heard.
“She took an overdose of Zol%ft and tried to kill herself.” She repeated.
“Where is she? How did you find out? Is she okay? Where are the kids?” It all seemed to ramble from my numb mind.
My mom went on to give me the now meaningless details. I quickly explained to my husband, got into bed, told him I didn’t want to pray, and laid there thinking and just getting angrier and angrier.
My sister experienced a suicide of one of her best friends this past year, whose husband had died of an overdose not 3 months prior. They leave behind a son who is now in therapy and attending a ‘special school’ because he can’t cope with such loss…what person could, not to mention a 16-17 y.o. young person! She has seen what it has done to the remaining family and we have talked about the ‘survivors’ grief and subsequent tribulations.
Yet somehow this was the best ‘answer’ for her marital woes. I honestly don’t understand that. I don’t understand (and probably never will) how someone would risk the well being and health of their own children because they are having marital trouble. As much as I love my husband (and I love him FIERCELY), my life is not defined BY HIM. My life would continue if he broke our marital vows…either via forgiveness or dissolution of the marriage. And we don’t have children who look to us for support and love!
I just have a hard time imagining getting to a place of no return. A place where no other thought, except “I must die to escape” comes to mind.
Her 16 y.o. daughter has already pondered if it is her fault. I don’t know how her 10 y.o. son is coping. Her husband is acting as if nothing is wrong. I sit here this morning remember my sister telling me that she “would rather die than live without (enter husband’s name)”. I asked her, even then, about the kids…and she told me then (apparently without believing it) that she wouldn’t put her children through that. I wonder if I should have intervened then…if I don’t actually hold some blame here.
The truth is…who is to blame doesn't matter. It’s not about blame. My sister made her own choice under the influence of the enemy. God is a God of life. Christ DIED for us to live! This decision comes straight from the depths of hell. I am angriest at satan for his pitiful pleas to us daily to ‘come play paddycake’. For anyone who happens upon this and wonders…does satan really exist…I will affirm loudly YES!!!!!!!!!!!
The story is too long to process here…but I am so angry and my mom made it clear she doesn’t want me calling my sister until I can move to the next phase of this process. I promised I wouldn’t call until I could calm down. I have only this left to say.
There are 5 stages of grief, according to researcher Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I am angry. This is my journal. This is my story. I am angry!
Please have a pray-full Sunday and thank you in advance for prayers for my sister and her family. And PLEASE...if you are considering suicide as a means to 'solve your problems' get help! Call a hotline, a friend, a pastor, go to a church, or even a hospital. And remember NOTHING is too big for God!