During my lunch break on Tuesday, pastorman and my husband came back from lunch and pastorman stopped in to say hey! He informed me, with appropriate enthusiasm, that our church now has 5…count them F*I*V*E pregnant woman! When I left (just days ago) I was aware of 2 and possibly a 3rd, but 5 came as a shocker! We’re still a small church of about 50-70 regular attenders.
In my mind, I had been doing so well accepting God’s plan…which might just be without children. God had to push me a bit, because clearly I had only snuffed the long-held feelings and they once again were rearing their ugly head. “WHY GOD WHY! Why do I have to experience such lack? Once again I heard satan haunting my thoughts with insecurity and fear and doubt of my worthiness.
I hadn’t really thought about babies much since the most recent “negative pregnancy test”, when I actually prayed about adoption and had a brief conversation with my wonderful husband about it all. The downside to such a peace-loving, peace-seeking, non-confrontational type husband is I’m never sure of his enthusiasm over one of my ‘ideas’. Granted adoption is more than just an ‘idea’. Adoption in my mind’s eye is; a completely life altering, often overwhelming, paper-trail dragging, budget-stretching, tear-producing, potential blessing of deeply longed for child, venture! It’s that last bit of hope that keeps me moving forward everyday.
I have been following the story of adoption shared by none other than Overwhelmed with Joy and it has been both tearful, heart-felt and rewarding in the end. I know I must have found her through God’s urging, because not even a month after I went to a website listing some of the adoption “forms” I would need to complete, and felt completely unprepared and WAY overwhelmed…I found her site.
Now, when I start to feel really overwhelmed and scared and uncertain about whether it’s “worth it to even try”…I go read a bit about her wonderful child and the lengths they went to bring him home! I have read her thoughts and feelings (the ones she has shared) and have felt such reassurance from God that doors that feel locked…are only stuck or jammed and there to keep me searching for the window He is leading me to.
There are now 5 women at my church about to become mothers, both for the first time and in some cases second or third time. I can honestly say I am thrilled and my heart is bubbling over for these women. I pray God would show me and grow me and push me and nudge me and lead me and still my heart. I pray God would bless each of these women and their babies and that the love, with which these babies were created would be the core of love felt at our church and as cliché’ as it sounds…the whole world!
There is nothing like new life to remind us just how fragile we really are.
There is a Scripture I don’t remember even thinking about until one of my dearest friends used it on the baby announcement of her son, and it continues to guide my hope and heart and it’s one of my weekly prayers:
“For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted my petition.”
I Samuel 1:27