New Background

Can You Hear Me Now?

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Baby-Baby-Baby-Baby-Baby

I’m sitting here reflecting on a comment my pastor made upon our return from vacation. My initial thought is… “Well at least God waited till I was well rested before the tests restarted!” **For me, typically God doesn’t ‘test’ me on vacation because more than likely I wouldn’t learn anything in my state of bliss anyway…so He figures he’ll save the messenger angel a trip and just hit me with it upon return.**

During my lunch break on Tuesday, pastorman and my husband came back from lunch and pastorman stopped in to say hey! He informed me, with appropriate enthusiasm, that our church now has 5…count them F*I*V*E pregnant woman! When I left (just days ago) I was aware of 2 and possibly a 3rd, but 5 came as a shocker! We’re still a small church of about 50-70 regular attenders.

In my mind, I had been doing so well accepting God’s plan…which might just be without children. God had to push me a bit, because clearly I had only snuffed the long-held feelings and they once again were rearing their ugly head. “WHY GOD WHY! Why do I have to experience such lack? Once again I heard satan haunting my thoughts with insecurity and fear and doubt of my worthiness.

I hadn’t really thought about babies much since the most recent “negative pregnancy test”, when I actually prayed about adoption and had a brief conversation with my wonderful husband about it all. The downside to such a peace-loving, peace-seeking, non-confrontational type husband is I’m never sure of his enthusiasm over one of my ‘ideas’. Granted adoption is more than just an ‘idea’. Adoption in my mind’s eye is; a completely life altering, often overwhelming, paper-trail dragging, budget-stretching, tear-producing, potential blessing of deeply longed for child, venture! It’s that last bit of hope that keeps me moving forward everyday.

I have been following the story of adoption shared by none other than Overwhelmed with Joy and it has been both tearful, heart-felt and rewarding in the end. I know I must have found her through God’s urging, because not even a month after I went to a website listing some of the adoption “forms” I would need to complete, and felt completely unprepared and WAY overwhelmed…I found her site.

Now, when I start to feel really overwhelmed and scared and uncertain about whether it’s “worth it to even try”…I go read a bit about her wonderful child and the lengths they went to bring him home! I have read her thoughts and feelings (the ones she has shared) and have felt such reassurance from God that doors that feel locked…are only stuck or jammed and there to keep me searching for the window He is leading me to.

There are now 5 women at my church about to become mothers, both for the first time and in some cases second or third time. I can honestly say I am thrilled and my heart is bubbling over for these women. I pray God would show me and grow me and push me and nudge me and lead me and still my heart. I pray God would bless each of these women and their babies and that the love, with which these babies were created would be the core of love felt at our church and as cliché’ as it sounds…the whole world!

There is nothing like new life to remind us just how fragile we really are.

There is a Scripture I don’t remember even thinking about until one of my dearest friends used it on the baby announcement of her son, and it continues to guide my hope and heart and it’s one of my weekly prayers:

“For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted my petition.”
I Samuel 1:27

20 comments:

Aunt Murry said...

I can't remember how long you have been trying? I know that this is hard on you. You must have patience. I'm one to talk. This is not one of his virtues that God has readily given me. Its a lesson he teaches me over and over. Remember one step at a time with the paper work. If you need an album(s) for the Adoption process I will be happy to donate one or two (I use to sell Creative Memories and have lots of supplies). So keep your chin up. Try (notice I said try) to be patient and if you need a shoulder...I'm here. :)

Heather Smith said...

Praying for you girl! My sister faced a similar problem before she had her first baby. She had to watch a young girl who got pregnant out of wedlock. The girl was crushed that she got pregnant. But here was my sister begging God for a child. But they both needed this. My sister because she had to learn that God knows what is best, no matter what. And for the young girl because it brought her back into a great relationship with God! I pray that God will give you peace about whatever He has for you!

the voice said...

I will continue to pray that God might "suprise" you in a maternal way. remember, all things are possible with God. But, just to be on the safe side, maybe you should start drinking large quatities of the water from your church. God bless you, Ken

kpjara said...

Thank you all for the encouragement and prayers and Ken...you know I hadn't even thought about that! You just may be on to something! LOL!

great2beme said...

You can have my kids anytime you want them, I have told you that forever. Right now they might even be willing to move. Granted they are a little set in there ways, but so are you so don't hold that against them. God will move when the time is right Kim and he has plans for you I know!

kpjara said...

I don't want to fall out of "best aunt" status by taking your kiddos in and having to seriously discipline them! LOL! Especially the girl...?

Besides, then I would get all the credit when they become President and Nobel Prize winner.

HeyJules said...

Now that we all know...nothing to do but pray for ya, girl! I promise to picture you with that lovely child every time I read this blog.

Hang in there. Remember that God likes a different timetable than we all do.

tam said...

Words just aren't adequate. Sometimes, unfortunately, in this world it's ALL we have.

I will hold your hand and listen.

I will kneel with you and pray.

I will listen for God and watch your life so that when a quiet prompting comes I can helpful along the way.

I will offer advice only when asked.

I will encourage you and support you.

I will hug you when there are no more words left to say.

I will rejoice with you when the desires of your heart are met.

I will cry with you while there are no answers YET.

tam said...

Words just aren't adequate. Sometimes, unfortunately, in this world it's ALL we have.

I will hold your hand and listen.

I will kneel with you and pray.

I will listen for God and watch your life so that when a quiet prompting comes I can helpful along the way.

I will offer advice only when asked.

I will encourage you and support you.

I will hug you when there are no more words left to say.

I will rejoice with you when the desires of your heart are met.

I will cry with you while there are no answers YET.

kpjara said...

Thanks to everyone! This is when the faith thing really gets tested...and Tam, I guess God felt I needed to read your comment twice! WOW! God works in mysterious ways for sure and for certain.

I can choose to stick my head in the sand and pull it up every once in awhile to wail and cry or I can DO something about this...in the form of get the adoption ball rolling as overwhelming as it seems!
Now, who knows the best starting point???? either that or I'll get on adoption blog sites and just start asking questions...cause that's what I do so well...I should've been a journalist I think!

Karen said...

I've started to write something about five times now and have deleted them all. My words and thoughts seem inadequate.

I'll be praying with you.

kpjara said...

Karen, I know your heart, even though I don't KNOW you in person...your prayers are the greatest gift you could offer.

Blessings, now go feed the bump something yummy! Cause I need pictures and pictures come from happy Karen!

Joy M. said...

Hey, I know I in know way can offer sympathy. I have never been in your shoes and I don't dare try to tell you I understand how you feel. But KP, I have fallen in love with you and I am praying for you already. I so want you to be happy.

On the lighter side. I have heard so many times that someone started adoption and as soon as they were approved...guess what! Well, my dear friend Amy just adopted a year ago Jan. 2 months later, she had twins!!!!! That's my prayer for you hon, so get ready!!!

Lord, fill KP and her hubby's quiver, please! In Jesus name, AMEN

tam said...

AMEN!



(i don't recall posting twice but that's happened to me alot lately!)

C. H. Green said...

In His time. In His time. He makes all things beautiful...In His time.

kpjara said...

You all are the best "bloggin'" friends a girl could ever ask for...and prayer warriors to-boot. Thanks for helping me through one of the 'cloudy' days and reminding me of the sunshine above!

Blessings.

I swear word verification is getting longer: fpbkijqw (what's that about??? it would be FUNNER if they'd at least use celebrity names or something.)

GiBee said...

I was totally NOT prepared for this post, my dear friend... We MUST talk ... SOON.

I will email you later on after I compose myself.

Love you! My heart is with yours, and my prayers are for you and your dear husband.

Kisses.

Dismantle Queen said...

My sisnlaw cannot have children, and my brother at 43 has never had children, when they met she was a foster parent of two little children, (by herself) in which one she had recently adopted, these children are crank babys, They are now married of 2 years in which they have 4 beautiful children, in which they have just finalized the last adoption. One girl 4, and three boys 3,2,and 9 mo.
Tthey are all crank babys, and one of them was born with half of a heart and a collapsed lung, he is black, and loved very much, God loves us that love children, my prayers are with you and your hubby, you are a good,kind loving person,
DQ

Queen Beth said...

It's hard to know what God has in store for us. You're in my thoughts!

Overwhelmed! said...

I can't believe I missed this post until now. I'm so sorry!

Honestly, as I recorded my adoption journey on my blog it wasn't my intent to inspire others to pursue adoption. However, I'm so honored that our journey might be inspiring you to start an adoption journey of your own.

It's not easy, as you know. There are so many conflicting emotions, fear, anguish, and anxieties of the lack of control that you go through as you travel down that road, but oh the rewards are so Heavenly when it finally works. Raising my son fills my life with such joy, it's indescribable!

I WANT you to be a mother, I WANT you to experience that joy. And if adoption is the plan that God has in mind for you to form your family, I pray that you start the ball rolling sooner, rather than later.

Please know that I'm here to support you every step of the way. I'm willing to share my home phone number with you. You can call or email me anytime you have questions, doubts, concerns.

I don't have all the answers, especially since each adoption journey is so unique, but I have a heart full of support and encouragement to share with you.

Please know that you're not alone in this journey.