Every once in awhile, I begin to ponder how God created me and WHY He would place something in me that I was unable to use because of prejudice or misrepresenting of Scripture. Where am I going with this? I don't know, but I believe at this moment in time, my hands are ordained to write this. I'm believing that God will direct the flow of this passage and that my flesh will not scream out in frustration.
Okay, so first things first. I've been a "Christian" since age 13, though in all honesty, I didn't really understand, seek, or attempt to obey, until in my 30's. I had brief periods of obedience and attempting to seek God, but more out of an attempt to PROVE His existence (or lack thereof) and His love (or lack thereof) for me. I won't go down that road of destruction and deceit right now.
Unfortunately, current theologians and "Christians" in my community (Southwest America), have not truly embraced the idea of a WOMAN with not only a desire to serve God fully, but a WOMAN that was created to lead and "Pastor" people. Sure, I can attend a University or even a Seminary and learn from all kinds of MEN about God and the Bible and the applications of both. There may even be a woman or two teaching a course or at least "subbing" occasionally. Type in the words "women pastor" in a yahoo search bar and watch all the negating and arguments against this 'calling'.
I've heard the argument OVER and OVER and OVER again until I am almost ready to fling my Holy Bible (KJV) directly at their head. Women and Men alike have reminded me that according to Scripture; God made MEN to lead, to be pastors and to be ministers, NOT women. Well, according to Scripture, women aren't even supposed to speak in church, nor are they to have their heads uncovered during prayer and prophesy. I have inquired about the passage that says: "You are no longer men, nor women...." in Galatians and have read and been told that this instruction was not regarding leadership in church, rather the way we are seen "in Christ".
What happen's then to the desire and the assuredness within my heart, that I am to not only SERVE, but lead in a church. Do I simply find a place that will ALLOW me this opportunity? Do I force the issue? D0 I strike out and just do it on my own, believing God will bless anything He ordains? Do I conform to the beliefs before me?
What I've seen happen, is the more I try to suppress what God has placed in me, the more I feel the desire die.
I had the opportunity to speak to my sister-in-law (via email) about this, as she is an ordained minister through the Baptist Convention. She shared with me her own frustrations personally experienced on her road to destiny. She did pastor a church in Philadephia and while she faced some obstacles, she felt certain that was her call. She recommended I read about Lottie Moon, a true pioneer for all people, about SERVING and fulfilling God's destiny.
I have also asked people (pastors) I have encountered: "What about Paula White? or Joyce Meyer? or Beth Moore? or countless others? You can already imagine their responses....I won't go there. I also ask and ponder why SOME of the Bible has evolved to 'fit' our world and our behavior, BUT only what is 'acceptable' in our culture and in our mind. My mind immediately travels to two different time periods with two different "Luthers". I see the challenge of what was acceptable and the ultimate persecution of these two leaders.
For me, the bottom line remains: do I trust God to grow and bless a seed placed within me, or do I doubt and stumble and give in and quit before He even has a chance to do His work? In listening to "The Nature of God" on CD many mornings, I hear the speaker say: "God will not ask you to do the possible! He will ask you to do the absolute IMpossible. He will ask you to do something you could NEVER do without Him."
I have a choice. I can choose to continue on my journey and serve Him and wait for His leading to my destiny, or I can give up and give in and allow Satan this victory over my heart, my calling, my destiny. Today I will serve, and pray, and wait.