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Can You Hear Me Now?

Monday, July 10, 2006

Which Blog Am I?

So I’m sitting here thinking and rethinking what to say, how to say it…the same thing I do every time I sit down to write. The question remains: What kind of blogger am I? Am I funny? Am I heartfelt? Am I a gut-spiller? Am I a slammer? Am I mysterious (NOT!)? Am I encouraging? Am I discouraging? Am I honest? Am I authentic? Am I fake? Am I ‘Heloise’? Am I Lucy in her .05 cent psychiatric booth? Am I even heard?

I didn’t set out with a specific idea in mind. I honestly thought of this ONLY as an online journal and since my typing is oodles faster than my writing I could almost keep up with my mind on overload with thoughts, ideas, randomness…whatever!

Things were going along nicely. I wrote for over a month with no unknown commenter. Then the worst thing happened. I got ONE comment. That’s all it takes is one measly comment from some unknown, but seemingly kind reader to ‘hook ya’! My very first, non-family or non-coerced comment came from Karen and that just about did me in…I was hooked…I wanted MORE!

Well that’s not entirely true. I did receive a comment very early on…like my 2nd post when I started writing some feelings about women in ministry and I even blog-rolled her for a few weeks. I did find, however; that her intentions were not entirely pure. She had very strong, vocal and sometimes forceful views about women in ministry. Mine was not a political campaign. I was only lamenting my inability to use God given gifts (at least that was what I thought!).

Then I had some pressure (thank you VERY much, you know who you are!) from a dear OLD friend, whose voice I can hear saying: “Just be funny! You’re always so funny, just write funny stories.” I tried that and still do occasionally (insert laugh track), but that’s not who I am…everyday, well every MINUTE of every day.

I wrote what came to mind and the thing is…because of the comments (I had 2 or 3 by then), I felt some pressure to seek more comments because it seemed as I surfed the blogdom, that some people had like 40 or 50 comments everyday! Was I a TOTAL LOSER or what?

The internal voice wasn’t going to go down that road. She whispered (in my good ear): “Kim, you’re doing it again!”

“Doing what?” I asked innocently.

“Seeking approval from others. You know God is the only approval you need, right?” I heard clearly.

“Of course I KNOW that…I’m just thinking about what to say today, that’s all! Sheesh!” I reprimanded.

Uh, yeah, okay, whatever you say…” I heard as she silenced herself again.

So it began…the wanting and needing approval via comments for the things I write/wrote! It’s an incredibly emptying experience. It empties my heart and mind. It empties my fun-factor. It empties my think-tank. It empties itself in the form of some forced, stilted writing that doesn’t always fully express who I am or what I feel.

Then I found as I did open up and received honest feedback, that I still wasn’t happy. I began to think people would think I was needy. God forbid I come across as NEEDY! I am SUPERKIM, able to leap tall tales, able to tear down and lift up with words, able to silence the worst of critics with the written ‘look’.

Give it a rest Kim, just be yourself.” I heard from a distance.

“Back OFF!” I bellowed back, until the person behind me at Wal-Mart was certain I was under far too much pressure and steered for another lane. Hey, it’s an advantage to talking to ones self!

I am better now. I absolutely LOVE the comments, but on days when there are none…I don’t feel any less a person or that my voice doesn’t matter. I know God hears every word I speak or write…because He put most of them in me (the good ones anyway)! He also helps redirect me when the bad words come (and they DO come). He reminds me I am His child and He desires great things for me. He reminds me He is the one that gave me this gift that is the blogdom and my desire to write.

What I found is when I write what He desires, it comes with ease. When I try to write the best, most comment-seeking entry…it bombs (not the good ‘da-bomb’, the bad BOMB), or worse yet, it offends!

So I have decided and am affirming that I am here for Him! I may need reminders every so often (like daily), but what I write is a reflection of who I am in God through Christ. I pray it encourages you and hope it makes you laugh (the funny stuff, not heart-wrenching stuff…are you laughing at my pain?…how CRUEL!)…but in the end I hope it always glorifies God to the highest!

God Bless!

**Edited to add a BIRTHDAY Greeting to one of my Dearest Friends "G" and know that even when we don't get to see each other often you are in my prayers and heart daily and I thank God for allowing us earthly time to hang' and encourage one another! You rock...see you Friday!

1 Corinthians 10:24-32

“Don't think only of your own good. Think of other Christians and what is best for them.
Here's what you should do. You may eat any meat that is sold in the marketplace. Don't ask whether or not it was offered to idols, and then your conscience won't be bothered. For "the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it."

If someone who isn't a Christian asks you home for dinner, go ahead; accept the invitation if you want to. Eat whatever is offered to you and don't ask any questions about it. Your conscience should not be bothered by this. But suppose someone warns you that this meat has been offered to an idol. Don't eat it, out of consideration for the conscience of the one who told you. It might not be a matter of conscience for you, but it is for the other person.

Now, why should my freedom be limited by what someone else thinks? If I can thank God for the food and enjoy it, why should I be condemned for eating it? Whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, you must do all for the glory of God. Don't give offense to Jews or Gentiles or the church of God. That is the plan I follow, too. I try to please everyone in everything I do. I don't just do what I like or what is best for me, but what is best for them so they may be saved."


shannon @ rocks in my dryer said...

Good for you, Kim. We should all be feeling this way!

Sally said...

Kim you are so honset here, I guess we all go through the is anyone out there and hearing me phase, I roll in and out of it... but what I love about your blog is that you are you, you have some amazing thoughts, some funny stories and ordianry days... you are blogging out a Christian Journey in all its fullness ups and downs. Thank you for sharing so openly with us. I for one will keep reading your blog!

GiBee said...

Just be yourself, Kim... no pressure from anyone (well, maybe yourself) to be funny, entertaining, etc.

I love hanging out at your place!

Aunt Murry said...

I think we have all been through this at one time or another. I'm glad that you feel this way. For a long time I did not have comments because I did not want to know but then I succumed when Shaun died and I needed the support.

Overwhelmed! said...

Kim- I think being yourself and not allowing others to pressure you (including your inner voice), is the way to go.

What you might consider is that, although you may not always get a lot of comments, there are probably a lot of people reading your words, taking them to heart, and being influenced for the better because of it.

I don't know how long I lurked on blogs before I finally got the courage to start commenting, and then to eventually start my own blog.

I, like you, enjoy getting comments and I appreciate each and every one of them. Sometimes though I look at blogs like Dooce and I think, "Wow! How does she inspire 100+ comments on EVERY post?" My next thought is, "How draining that must truly be to have so many comments to keep up with!"

I do my best to blog to process what's going on in my life. If I get supportive comments back in return, that's just icing on the cake. The real benefit is the theraputic nature of journaling!

Keep up your journaling and I'll keep reading, even if I don't comment all the time.

Shalee said...

The one thing that I love about coming to your blog, Kim, is that you are you. No apologies, no pretense... just really honest, likable you. And that is what keeps me coming back.

It is appreciated to get feedback from others, to know that someone else understands what you are saying. But if we can just remember that God does understand us and loves us despite understanding us, then we could feel better about blogging in the first place. I just wish He would put it in our comments section...

kpjara said...

That's IT Shalee...God commenting! Now that would resolve everything!

Good insight from everyone...thanks! I suppose I'm here...."for such a time as this..."

Grafted Branch said...

I love your blog...whatever you write. Your descriptive form is always a joy. Just be you and write what God has laid on your heart that day -- can't go wrong there.

It's always harder to write when we're writing backward...from end to beginning...with a punch line in mind, or a certain comment we're soliciting.

And yes, I know I've fallen into that. It's a little embarrassing because it shows.

Speaking of comments, I'm struggling today with a fellow blogger/real-life acquaintance who says my blog is bitter! The adversary sure knows how to hit us when/how we least anticipate. I needed the reminder that Shalee spoke: God knows, understand and loves us.

kpjara said...

Dear Grafted Branch: You're right about being true to what God asks us to write and I can't say that I find your blog bitter...just honest...but having read what you write I also know your heart is pure and so are your intentions!

Anonymous said...

KPJara.....I SOOOO love reading your blog. Today I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. I'm so with you on the approval seeking thing...and it is hard. I have that same battle in my head all the time. I think a lot of us are like that (or maybe I just WANT to think that). Anyway...I think you're doing great. You're open and honest and REAL. You can't beat that. :)

MommaB said...

And this kind of post, my dear bloggin' friend is exactly what it is all about... gut-honest and to the heart!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE coming to visit your blog and if I made the time I would comment all the time. :) But you know me and making time.

Thank you for mentioning my birthday!!! I feel so blessed!!!