Certain Uncertainty

I finished “Buck Naked Faith” today and it ended as well as it began. I think Sandras did a good job of coming to conclusion with clear Biblically based aid in finding the cleansing and purpose many of us are seeking while sifting through some incredible pain.

I’ll be starting the Donald Miller book next: “Searching For God Knows What”. The title just seems to be exactly where I am on my journey. Sometimes I feel a bit like Dorothy standing on the yellow brick road and coming to a crossroads. Which road do I take? Which direction do I choose?

Other days I can’t even get myself to stand up…much less walk and choose a path. It sounds more pathetic than it is. I make sure to keep my feet and hands clear of the road so as not to impede traffic flow or risk life or limb loss. I’m a bit conflicted…not stupid.

I don’t honestly remember another time in my life when I felt so uncertain or so unsettled. I don’t know if it’s a natural part of the aging process in my journey or if there is something wrong with my synapses not synapse-ing as they should. For a person who NEVER has any trouble making decisions, this creates quite a conundrum!

It probably doesn’t come as a shock to any of you for me to admit I am one of those people who honestly felt they could create their own destiny. Now I know that’s a crock. I don’t want to spoil the next part of anyone’s journey, but I do want to give you fair warning…while you may be able to influence your immediate path, your journey was designed WAY before you were a thought; much less a crying, back-talking, occasionally back-sliding person who thinks she knows more than she does.

Did I just say that out loud? Clearly some repentance is in my immediate future! In any case, the longer I have been on this journey, the more confused I have become. The funniest part of the whole thing is if I follow the path I THINK God is lining up for me, I am in for one heckuva ride!

It reminds me of the first 5-10 times I went to an amusement park. I was one of those scaredy-cats that refused to even stand in line for the roller coaster. The day I finally broke down and road (even with my eyes closed tight) and amidst the loudest scream you may ever hear, I experienced the most incredible physical feeling. It would never be rivaled or replaced. So perhaps this next part of my journey will be like the roller coaster…once I finally face my fear and get on the darn thing…I’ll find not only some incredible joy, but perhaps a life changing experience. Now…will someone give me a hand so I can stand up on these dang bricks…I should have worn more sensible shoes!