New Background

Can You Hear Me Now?

Monday, July 31, 2006

Certain Uncertainty

I finished “Buck Naked Faith” today and it ended as well as it began. I think Sandras did a good job of coming to conclusion with clear Biblically based aid in finding the cleansing and purpose many of us are seeking while sifting through some incredible pain.

I’ll be starting the Donald Miller book next: “Searching For God Knows What”. The title just seems to be exactly where I am on my journey. Sometimes I feel a bit like Dorothy standing on the yellow brick road and coming to a crossroads. Which road do I take? Which direction do I choose?

Other days I can’t even get myself to stand up…much less walk and choose a path. It sounds more pathetic than it is. I make sure to keep my feet and hands clear of the road so as not to impede traffic flow or risk life or limb loss. I’m a bit conflicted…not stupid.

I don’t honestly remember another time in my life when I felt so uncertain or so unsettled. I don’t know if it’s a natural part of the aging process in my journey or if there is something wrong with my synapses not synapse-ing as they should. For a person who NEVER has any trouble making decisions, this creates quite a conundrum!

It probably doesn’t come as a shock to any of you for me to admit I am one of those people who honestly felt they could create their own destiny. Now I know that’s a crock. I don’t want to spoil the next part of anyone’s journey, but I do want to give you fair warning…while you may be able to influence your immediate path, your journey was designed WAY before you were a thought; much less a crying, back-talking, occasionally back-sliding person who thinks she knows more than she does.

Did I just say that out loud? Clearly some repentance is in my immediate future! In any case, the longer I have been on this journey, the more confused I have become. The funniest part of the whole thing is if I follow the path I THINK God is lining up for me, I am in for one heckuva ride!

It reminds me of the first 5-10 times I went to an amusement park. I was one of those scaredy-cats that refused to even stand in line for the roller coaster. The day I finally broke down and road (even with my eyes closed tight) and amidst the loudest scream you may ever hear, I experienced the most incredible physical feeling. It would never be rivaled or replaced. So perhaps this next part of my journey will be like the roller coaster…once I finally face my fear and get on the darn thing…I’ll find not only some incredible joy, but perhaps a life changing experience. Now…will someone give me a hand so I can stand up on these dang bricks…I should have worn more sensible shoes!


pdiddy said...

i have confidence that God will give ytou direction at the right time. alos I feel like i am in the same boat but at least we are together.

Morning Glory said...

Your openness and honesty before God will certainly lead you in the right direction. I pray your journey will be a smooth one. I do believe God can use open hearts.

S Eagleman said...

I hope you will be blogging about Donald Miller's book, I'd love to compare notes with someone.

MommaB said...

In all my sensible thinking, I know you can't be, but still, I find myself wondering..."KP, Are you reading my journal?" Not the bloggy one... the one I have hidden in a drawer, under some other things, so no one will find it.

I promise you, each time I read your posts I have chills because I'm so on the same soul-searching, God-fearing, I want to know what it's all about, give me a clue, pathway! Only mine is more like a cliff than a rollercoaster and I'm on the edge... ready to jump... but my fear won't let me trust him. Just like that climber... I'm afraid to cut that rope!!

Thanks for baring soul and helping me realize that there are many of us seeking, learning, and eagerly waiting for the courage to take that first leap!!!

Chaos-Jamie said...

It isn't out yet, but you should plan to read Nancy Kennedy's "Girl on a Swing." She talks about searching for the "other," that whatever-it-is that will make us complete. And, of course, she knows the correct answer. Who else but God? But logistically speaking...some days we know but still search anyway.

Buck Naked Faith guy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Buck Naked Faith guy said...

Hey, I'm glad you got something out of my book! Sometimes I think people only like the cover and title. :-)
Let me know what you think of "Plastic Jesus" if you get a chance.
Continue to live the life Jesus offers my friend.
Eric Sandras
"The BuckNakedFaith" guy