Fair Warning: In the words of a wonderful "temperament" teacher I had: 'Uh, Kim, your melancholy is showing!'
I almost hate to write this for fear of judgment I suppose...or worse yet...pity! I feel weak admitting that as a Christian I am weak, yet in my weakness He is made strong. I have to believe that or all my faith is based on MY strength, not His love, grace and mercy!
Sometimes I know a ‘typo’ is really God-Talk. I was going to name this “The Truth HURTS”…but my fingers, in response to God, typed “HEARTS”. Just as I went up to ‘fix it’ I stopped and figured it must be God’s way of redirecting my thoughts and renewing my mind. Who am I to argue…I am but a faithful servant (in training) to the most HIGH GOD!
So, with this new title comes a new line of thinking. The TRUTH HEARTS. When I think about what this means to me; I think immediately of the phrase “speak the truth with love”. I think sometimes, okay I KNOW many times I don’t achieve this. There are times when I speak out boldly and EXPECT others to jump on board with what my heart is hearing or worse yet…what my mind is brewing and my mouth is spewing. Aside from anger…this sometimes breeds hostility and a seed of bitterness starts to take root!
I also think of getting to the “heart of the matter”. I’ve been thinking much more than speaking lately. It’s not such a bad place to be, though I have to remember I do need to speak SOME of these things aloud as God prompts me; things that get to the heart of the matter. I don’t know exactly what happens during these introspective phases. I do know I typically come out of them with much more to say and in much more contemplation than before.
I’ve been hurting (internally) a lot lately for various reasons. Right now, it’s not so important why, what’s important to me today is: what is the source of my healing? The source has to be God or the healing will never be complete. I do believe God brings other people to help sustain us, and to encourage us, and to disciple us, and to befriend us, and to lead us, and to just be there for one another, but I know ultimately my healing comes direct from Jehovah Rophe; God who heals or more literally “being healed”.
It also comes as no surprise to me that on the heel of this recognition, we are studying Philippians in church and we were talking just this past Sunday about our need of other people in our lives. I’m just having a hard time feeling connected to anyone enough (other than my husband who is a MAN so he can’t possibly relate, LOL), or desiring to ‘engage’ with anyone enough to ‘spill’ and just be myself! It scares me to think of taking off the mask with the smile. It scares me to think of what I will sound like if I really open up.
The other interesting side note to this anguish is recognition that there are others I see, both at church and just in passing in my “world”, even in this blogdom, that I KNOW are feeling the same way. Is this ONLY the enemy? Clearly his goal is to steal, kill and destroy; to divide and conquer and to make me feel like no one wants to hear about it anyway! He is such a jerk!
I think I’m just having one of those moments when I know if I sit down for more than 3 minutes and try to process the pain, I’ll never want to get up again and so I don’t…sit down that is…except to sleep. I wake up feeling as though I haven’t slept and I don’t really want to DO anything…just ‘veg’!
In reading back over the past few weeks of this blog I see a shift from my own free thoughts and words to ‘safer’ and much less interesting… ‘fluff’ really. I am going to try to be bold and just speak what is on my heart and if the only thing I have is ‘fluff’; in the words of a friend I’m going to ‘zip it!’
I’m closing today with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs: Toby Mac “Stories (Down to the Bottom)”. While my own story is different, the feeling is the same!
Stories…we’ve all got em’
When we hit rock bottom,
If you’ve been there, put your hands in the air
To let the lost know that someone cares.
Cause we’ve been down to the bottom
Stories we’ve got ‘em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
And let somebody know that the Most High cares.
I never knew that it would feel like this
When the two that raised you up and call it quits
Nobody told me ‘bout the emptiness
When the place you call home is closed for business
I push the pain down, I gotta "get by"
Always knowin' in my heart that it ain’t gonna fly
Rock bottom's never felt so near beforeAnd if pain is God's megaphone it's loud and clear
So hold me now Father, human love ain't enough
I've failed and been failed by the people I love
But your faithful arms they surround me
And any other soul who has to sail those seas
Of a broken family
Been so many times that I've been close to rock bottom
Tryin' to look for answers but nobody's got 'em
Like the time my mother looked me in the eye
Tryin' not to cry, tellin' me the cancer might cause her to die
How can this be, I thought that God loved me?
So why would he try to take my mother from me?
And as I cry myself to sleep at night, holding on my pillow tight
He spoke to me and said that everything gonna be alright
So I tried to fight all the pain that it caused
Try to move on and I try to stay strong
So put your hands up, hey, if y'all are feelin' me
And put your hands up for everyone to see
So put your hands up, we all a family
So put your hands up, in unity, in unity
I've been there too
When everything falls apart and the best you can do is
Get through each day wonderin' will this never end?
Is it always going to be this way?
And the greatest lie you've ever been told is that
You're the only one to ever walk on this road
And that you'll never see the light of dawn, so we came together to say
Cause we've been there and found our way home
I promise you that you're not on your own
One day this will pass, God will see us all through
God will see us all through,
…God will see us all pass through
And that is how I really feel, trusting still that from the bottom…the only way out, is up; and the only way up, is at the hand of Jesus! Praise God, He is there to help lead me out…if I just take His hand.