May Memories

I love May!  I love the hope of summer lying wait in those dew covered blades of grass each morning.  I love the way the higher the sun rises in the sky the more I feel the kisses of sunshine on my arms and face.  I love it!  I love that it practically beckons summer to arrive...quickly!

I know there are those that hate the heat and hate the mercury rising above the one-hundred degree mark.  I am not one of those people.  I say use that hairspray...burn up that ozone and let the heat arrive and stay!  LOL!  Okay, so maybe that's a bit harsh...suffice to say, I like it WARMer!

I like May for another reason too.  May is when we saw the angel. 

You see a friend of mine at the college I was attending (all those years ago), was very depressed.  She was at a point of despair and I was afraid she would try to take her own life.  I walked out onto campus late one night to find her.  There is the middle of our campus, was a large ROCK, and sitting atop that rock with tears streaming down her face was my friend. 

I wish I could say I arrived tentatively, but if you know me at all, you know I am NOT tentative.  I am bold.  God made me bold...no apologies, I arrived boldly!  I began to tell her all the reasons that her line of thinking was not in line with what God wanted.  We were both believers and attended a Bible Study together weekly, so I knew she understood.

We began to pray for protection and HELP from God and I am not sure how much longer til we both felt this peace settling over us and as we looked up from our perch upon that rock, there was a heavenly being that I can only describe as an angel.  He was BIG...probably 11-12 feet tall and he towered above our rock.  He was white...meaning his whole person was white.  He was STRONG and big and mature, but not old.  I don't remember if he said anything aloud but he brought with him a peace and a feeling of intense love.  It was as though we were among the holy of Holy's and this angel was our guide.  To this day it brings tears to my eyes.

I've shared this story only a handful of times because it seems so surreal and...well...ridiculous.  But I can assure you it DID happen.  I saw this angel and remember it as if it were yesterday.  I thank GOD that He cares enough that he would allow this intervention to happen just the way it did.  I believe God still does this today.  I don't think I could serve a God who spoke of all this power in his Spirit but never showed us that power. 

I hope this day brings you hope of the GREATNESS of a GOD that loves you enough to intercede however He desires...on your behalf.

Why Don't I Write???

So I've been 'off' work since February 12, 2012 and you'd think I'd use that time to write...and write...and write.  Its my passion, I honestly believe it's one of the 'gifts' God gave me, and it's an incredible outlet and informal counseling session as I work through 'stuff'.  So...why don't I do it?

Honestly, the only thing I can come up with is fear of failure.  Fear that I'll realize I am NOT a good writer.  Fear that God has already taken this gift away.  I don't feel inspired like I used to...I don't feel the words pour from my soul.  It's so frustrating and I don't know how to get it back.

I can honestly say I used to just sit and the Holy Spirit would overtake my fingers as words found their way here and formed sentences and inspired me.

My prayer today is that the words will come again.  Whether I begin working somewhere or not...I want to write.  I need to write.  God please write through me.

Watching Baby Beckham

I get to babysit a friends new baby today and tomorrow and it is so exciting to get to hold and watch a young baby. It's humbling that they rely so completely on us (adults) to meet every need.

I want to be this way with Jesus. I want to remember that even as I 'grow up' I can still rely completely, totally, wholly on Jesus to meet every need.

Thank you Father for meeting every need and reminding me how humbly you came and saved the world...

The "Kate" Effect

Following Princess Kate's recent jaunts in a pair of coral jeans, apparently retailers in the U.S. are now 'out' of these "Kate" jeans. People so admire the stars they want to emulate them in every way. Remember the "Rachel" haircut? For those of us a tad more mature there was

the "Dorothy Hamill" haircut. Which frankly was not all that flattering on anyone...including the skater. We spend money to look like and hope for the fantasy of 'being like' these famous folks.

I think we may be missing the point. If only we could 'get' that God wants us to be like Jesus. If we could master that...we'd get it. We'd live it. We'd experience it. We would be able to change the whole world if we could just get this one lesson.

It's sad really that we will spend time and money trying to be like another flawed human, but we won't spend time, energy, and rarely money being more like Jesus.

Just pondering...

Too Young to Die

Davy Jones is dead. It breaks my heart. I was a HUGE Monkees Fan as a teen. Death usually stops me in my tracks...has me taking stock of my life and what I am and am NOT accomplishing.

I've heard sermons on 'living the dash', that little line between our birth date and death date on a tombstone. We are called to remember that our lives are not about the beginning and the end...rather the things in the middle. All those little moments of our lives that make up the culmination of a LIFE.

As I quickly approach my fifth decade of life I am definitely feeling more and more mortal and evaluating the meaning of it all...my life. I think this line of thinking is what finally pushed me to seek the career God created me for. I read this post from a friend today and it got me wondering if I 'missed' what God has been trying to show me about my gifts. Am I gifted in writing and creating or am I supposed to be an administrative person. Am I supposed to work with children or am I supposed to file paperwork for a living? Am I supposed to manage people or am I supposed to write encouraging words?

It's easy to get lost in the 'mist' as Stefne so profoundly shares. It's easy to forget that life is a process. It's hard to stay on track and keep the focus on the creator not the creation. You see, ultimately what I do on this earth doesn't really matter...it's how I've served Him that matters more than anything.

Here's to hoping you each are in the position God created for you and that you aren't caught in the mist of this part of the dash.

Breaking Through

I have come to the realization that I have about a 1 1/2 - 2 year shelf life when it comes to finding my 'fit' at a church. My husband and I have changed churches every couple of years and I even go into a new church proclaiming that is how long we will stay.

I spoke to pastorman this weekend about how I was feeling and he said maybe it was time to break through that 1 1/2 - 2 year burnout.

God has really been dealing with me and once again...unfortunately...in areas of pride and serving.

You see, I like to pretend I'm like Isaiah and I cry out to God to USE ME! Waiting for Him to reign me in and put me to 'good' use. Problem is this 'good' use is usually of my own desire...like getting to lead some big ministry....i.e. women's ministry in some form, or beginning a marriage study with my husband and other couples from church. God continues to stop me mid-sentence, mid-prayer and says: "My dear child, until you see that service is not about you...it's about ME, you cannot be used."

I feel the primal scream forming in the back of my throat as I try to 'convince' God that I am ready and he only has to show me the little tasks he places before me that I have ignored for bigger things for me to know He is, of course, right.

I'm trying to wrap my brain around it as I seclude myself from so many church activities for other reasons...and struggle with being where God has placed me right this moment.

I am clearly in a time of reflection and meditation and waiting...on the career He has already created me for and the service He desires. I hope I get it right before I stand before Him face to face. That would definitely be an awkward moment...for me.

This weeks challenge...be used however God desires and see where He leads. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. But I AM the apple of His eye!

From the Outside Looking In...

God definitely has me in a time and place of forced meditation and pondering. I've been watching from outside my own life and one thing is clear. I'm on the perimeter of many friendships. I can't seem to find the intimate friendship like David and Jonathan shared and at times it's very frustrating.

I do also realize at this time in my life that may not make sense, as a friend may distract me from this time of contemplation. I do have a very dear friend...but she has a very dear family that need her far more than I do at this time.

I've been reading The Resolution for Women and I came across some really valid points in my own life right now. The author says:

"Don't save your best for later.

Don't wait to finish school, reserving your best works for whenever you land a real job that's actually taking you somewhere. Don't wait until you're married when the things you do well feel more like they're contributing to building a home and a life. Don't wait until you start a family, thinking you'll be more inspire to give your best when you have children to invest in. Don't wait until your kids leave the nest, biding your time until you're free to pour yourself into the next challenge."

What I am getting out of this is...live NOW! God equips us right now!

I'm going to strive to do now what I am to do and not 'save' it for a better day.

Wish me luck!

The Fit Is ALL Wrong...

I've felt this so many times...both in dressing rooms, relationships, and especially jobs. I still haven't pinpointed my one-true-career, but I am narrowing down the absolutely NO WAY JOSE'.

In my 'haste' to be a respectable employed citizen I applied for a number of positions on Monday that while I am absolutely qualified to perform...they are back to the same 'bad choices' on the past that have brought me here.

I had a call back about one with an insurance company and my mind wanted to go-for-it, but my heart just reminded me that it's not the answer. Better to struggle through this time of 'searching' then do something rash and not ideal.

I am the panda in a gummie bear world! I am definitely feeling out of place and...honestly out of joint this week as I embark on this new journey. I do NOT fit with the stay at home moms...no kids here and nothing to discuss...and I don't fit with the working class either...I'm in a quiet place. I hope to use the time well and in introspection as I seek Godly wisdom and direction and find my way 'home' to that one true career.

Somewhere Between 8 and 80

I am so happy for Adele. She won a bunch of awards this week. Sadly, I've never heard any of her music and when everyone goes on and on about her I just politely nod and say, hmmm.

I'm not saying I haven't heard of her because I'm so old and 'out of touch'. Several years ago I made a decision to fill my mind with music other than mainstream stuff that was becoming so much a part of who I was and it wasn't pretty...same with reading. I've only recently begun to read books other than Christian fiction and nonfiction. I still have a hard time with music.

Somewhere between 8 and 80 I have changed. No, I'm not 80 yet, but I also know these changes are ongoing for life as I evolve and grow.

Tyler Perry has a new movie coming out and the tag line is going to become my new one in this life search.

"Kpjara is about to discover the person she is meant to be."

It's time for to discover...

First Day of the Rest of My Life....

Today is the day. The first day away from gainful employment...albeit a field I was less than excited about.

I have a bit of apprehension about what the future holds, but I am certain of one thing...God's got it all under control and had it planned out way before I showed up on this planet.

My mind is going about 1000 thoughts/minute so I'm trying to reel it in and organize the thoughts that matter in the long run.

Not surprisingly my Bible Study this week is about 'faithfulness'. Seems right on target.

and we're off...

Future Employment?

Okay...ice wasn't all it was 'cracked' up to be. This saddens me. I thought this would be a great fit for me.

That said...I am leaving this job and searching for a job that will use my gifts. In a perfect world here is the top 10:

1. Movie critic
2. Restaurant critic (lol)
3. Personal shopper
4. Professional organizer
5. Craft teacher
6. Book Editor
7. Author
8. Book Reviewer
9. Music Video Director
10. Art/Talent Director

Honorary Mention: Lottery Winner and stay-at-home-dog-mom.

That was fun...the cynic in me knows these are probably not possible...but I am not going to settle in to another admin job that is empty and without fulfillment. I have to believe God gave me talents to use in a career somewhere.

The search is on.

SHUT UP!

I know, I know, we are NEVER supposed to say this. I’m just feeling extremely over-stimulated by social media.

It was one thing when we could instant message, then the blogdom began its reign. The next thing you know…people are you-tubing, tweeting, face booking, live streaming… and the list goes on…and on…and on.

I have always been an information seeker, but I am so inundated with information I can hardly tell fact from crap and sometimes do not even have the wherewithal to refer back to truth as my source. It is no wonder we all struggle with self-image and self-worth when we are reminded daily in so many formats how inadequate we are and how uninformed we remain.

I am not sure if I am to the point where I need to cut it all off or if I can self-censor so that I can maintain my own creative outlet and the cyber-friendships I so cherish.

I do feel compelled to turn ‘off’ comments on this blog so the purity of the message and my motivation remain intact. Add to that the disdain I feel for the advertisements weakly disguised as comments (YUCK with a capital “Y”)!

Here is a ‘shout-out’ for being still and remembering…He is still GOD!”

With Age Comes...Silence?

I've noticed already that at my current age I'm somewhere past people listening to me and not being heard at all as an 'old' lady.

I've always been an observer of life. Observing relationships, marriage, parenting...all of it really. I remember seeing younger women ignoring older women and not really giving it much thought. Now the closer I get to this age of wisdom, the more I see this reality.

I suppose that's why so many young women repeat failed history...because they don't learn from the women who have already lived it.

Just observations from the edge...

Opportunity Or Failure?

I've decided to leave the ice plant. I actually decided that at the end of last summer. It's just not a good 'fit' (in the words of management training). I am not happy.

I really want to fill the God-Shaped hole with something that He created me for...I just don't want to believe that he intended me to ramble from one job to another searching, searching, searching...for something that seems unattainable.

I know others' who have jobs they were created to do and you can tell immediately the way they light up when they talk about it, or the way they perform that job. I've never felt that way. I think it's been a lifetime of settling and I'm tired of settling.

At first I saw it as opportunity...after opportunity...after opportunity. Now I struggle with feelings of failure. Maybe I'm just a failure at stick-to-it-ness. Maybe I am incapable of committing to something long enough to see if it is the 'fill' for this God-shaped-hole.

Struggling with these feelings as it seems to be a culmination of a long life and a long list of failures, both professionally and personally.

I do THANK GOD for my marriage. I have a husband who encourages me and is faithful and I trust his love.

Thank you God for the joy of this covenant marriage and I pray you would lead these next steps and remove the lies of defeat.

Observations...

I went to a dinner with the women from my church Bible Study tonight. I have had a hard time 'fitting in' with many of these women for the past 12-14 weeks and tonight as I sat at dinner and just observed...I realized I am just not like these women. I know it sounds like a 'pat' answer, but I feel truly out of touch with much of what is discussed.

Yet somehow, we find a way to come together and join our spirits (for a time) and share our experiences (for a time) and grow together. It's still hard to realize I want so much more than this small group can offer or be. I think I'll sit out the next study and maybe do a time of inner-reflection and do the study on my own.

You know what I love about 'blogging' and writing here...is when I have a day that's filled with the daily drudgery and a disappointing evening, I can come to this computer and safely pour it out without judgement from myself or others. I love that this release is my way of letting God know exactly where I am...without the masks, without expectations, without pretense.

I am supposed to be doing a daily entry in an art journal, but I haven't started yet. I guess my 365 days can start on any date. I'm looking forward to this release and hoping it provides direction and release.

A Time to End

I have a feeling my position in ice may soon be ending. Nothing concrete...just a feeling. Looking forward to a career and not just settling with jobs.

More on this later...time to go to make ice...for now.

Dashing...

It's a new year and with it brings feelings of anticipation and renewed hope. I love that like our limitless supply of grace and mercy we also get a new day and a new year with some regularity.

Our message at church this weekend was about what we are doing with the 'dash'...that time between birth and death...that is represented by a dash on our tombstone.

Pastorman reminded that it is futile to try to fill our dash with things (food, jobs, even kids)...if we allow God to show us how to fill the dash we will have a much more fulfilled and JOY filled life and living the purpose God designed us for.

The first step for me is the job. I cannot continue to work at this place where I feel no passion whatsoever about the outcome. I have got to find a job that I feel passionate about...the job that God created me to do.

Whether it's artistic in nature directly or through written word or through helping others...it is out there and I will selectively find it...with His help of course.

So, I set about 2012 in search of my God given purpose, in terms of my career.

Let's see where this ends...and 2012 begins.