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Can You Hear Me Now?

Monday, September 25, 2006

Out of Balance and on Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat...


Have you ever had one of those days…or weeks…where it seems as though the perfectly tuned balance your world is spinning within, has somehow become off-kilter, like a recording that now skips…or worse yet is stuck on the same note? That is where I am this morning.

Picture it…the many cultures and occupations that have people wearing and balancing baskets on their heads? This morning I feel like the ‘basket’ I have balanced on my head is becoming completely out of balance and is beginning to shift and slide and everything I have neatly packed in that basket (every issue, thought, or feeling) is preparing to spill out onto the roadway. *(and YES my basket DOES feel this big some days!)

It’s not the fact that my ‘issues’ will be exposed…I really do believe in transparency, it’s the whole ‘out of control’ feeling I get. At my very core I BELIEVE the more I attempt to control something the less control I have. Until I get to the end of my rope where I am so concentrated on holding on…and God can do His work, I am suffering in futility.

Last night I went to the first session of our women’s study for church. I’m so conflicted about actually joining it and while I’m not prepared to share they ‘why’ to my reservation I will say it was clear God had me there for a specific reason last night. I had to share a prayer request for this ‘season of my life’ with my selected ‘partner’ (a women I absolutely adore, by the way), and what came out of my mouth even surprised me.

My greatest prayer request was…is… “What is the purpose of my life, God?”

I can SO see God shaking his head and thinking/saying… “My child, how many times will we go down this road?” Even my husband, as I shared this with him this morning said: “So you’re back in THAT box again huh?” not insulting, just truth spoken.

I know God (nor Paul) is angry that I continually get into this endless loop…though I do feel like a bit of a disappointment to God, like my significance is lacking because of a career or physical or emotional issue and He just wants me to seek MY significance IN HIM. Why can’t I get it?

I admitted again last night that as I see my husband approaching his own college graduation (hopefully with a degree and career choice he LOVES), I feel so aimless in my less than meaningful work. I am struggling to find any purpose in what I do 8-5, and frankly that is where I spend most of my time. Add to that I am a restless spirit and have NEVER worked ANYWHERE as long as I have worked here…now 5 ½ years.

I hear God asking me to redirect my mind…my life…to Him and watch as the pieces fall into place (almost effortlessly). He is also asking for something a bit harder…be content in this season. Any physical or emotional suffering I endure (for Him) is only for the growth factor. He has a plan for me and a part of that plan is exactly where I am today…God help me!
Have a fulfilling, meaningful Monday!

8 comments:

His Singer said...

Kim, we all feel that way sometimes. I think it's God's way of reminding us that our true purpose here on earth is to glorify Him in any way we can. Sometimes we forget that in trying to balance our baskets every day.

Sending up a prayer for you to regain the balance you need!

Morning Glory said...

I was in a Bible study one time and the leader made this comment which helped me a lot. She said, "Let's not get so busy doing, that we forget the process of becoming." It reminded me to step back from all the frenzy of trying so hard and make room for the actual growing process. If I constantly probe and prod at the soil around a plant, I'm going to eventually disturb its root system and stunt its growth. There is a season for just letting God do the work in me, and then he'll show me what I need to "do" as my part.

I have no doubt you'll find the perfect purpose that God has for you. Happy Monday!

Dawn said...

Jeremiah 29:11

I know God will show you the next step, because you are so open to His voice. Looking back, I see the reason for every "job step" I have taken. He is faithful.

Happy MOnday to you, too!

Aunt Murry said...

Hey look how many times Peter the disciple had problems. That is why he is my favorite. He put his foot in it soooo many times and yet each time he was forgiven. So there are no worries. You ask as many times as you need to. I'm sure God does not mind.

Grafted Branch said...

Clearly Aunt Murray is speaking a good word when she reassures us all that we may ask as many times as necessary. Here's a thought, even though I don't really know enough about you to say whether it strictly applies to you or not...

Perhaps a married woman's purpose in life is the same as was Eve's: to be a helpmeet to her husband. To "complete him" if you will. Even Jerry McGuire got it -- and he's a Scientologist! LOL!

Sometimes, in some seasons, that necessitates earning an income, but even then, the motivation is one of being a helpmeet to the husband. The bible exhorts (as opposed to oppresses) us to be keepers at home. So...I'm not saying quit your job, but rather remember that you're to do it as unto the Lord -- as He has called you to be the weaker-vessel partner with your husband.

Many, many women are lost to death in their own identity. They are in the midst of much money, power, fame, contribution, and do not understand that they were designed for a nobler purpose than their own success.

It's counter-intuitive to think a woman may find her strength and purpose in being a support -- playing 2nd fiddle -- to a man, but there it is in His Word, and His Word will not return void. Praise the Lord!

John MacArthur has a great tape series that I hope you can still get called, "God's High Calling For Women." Might be worth listening to.

tam said...

Kim!

You are asking and feeling as though there is resolve to your questioning...

Why? Sincerely, I'd love to know if you know why?

In my very SMALL opinion...it is because of what YOU said in YOUR post...

Paul is approaching his graduation.

Did you see my path yet?

You ARE fulfilling your purpose for THIS season (you are now a short-timer I might add!)...

You have been a wonderful helpmeet to your husband. You will continue to be. You may be unsatisfied in your job, but you are serving...Service is so not always pleasant HOWEVER when you do it unto the Lord as GB stated above, it can ALWAYS be sweet.

So, I believe you are fulfilling your purpose for now...

to quote a song not specific scripture...again I say this is not word for word scripture:

"when I delight myself in Him...He gives me the desires of my heart..."

Delight in Him (as I know you do)...your hearts desires will follow accordingly...

You have only what? 11-12 weeks? Hold on baby, HOLD ON!

Cool Mama said...

Hey....your post read like mine ( from a year ago), wondering what my purpose was, if I had any fruit, if there was any point to me! And you know what...those questions were hard ones to ask, BUT God uses them to direct us to push deeper into Him. We need to ask those questions once in a while, not so that we DO more, but so that we can BE more . We aren't here to do jobs, or to work harder, we're here to learn to be sons and daughters, and point other 'orphans' to the Father - but being orphans ourselves, we need to first learn that WE are sons and daughters. See the cycle? Anwyays..I'm probably not saying any of this right, but I know as you seek HIM for the answers, He'll speak to you. That's the beauty of feeling restless and having questions: He's got the answers! We can't lose! Here's the scripture I just read this morning - it was where I am at..and looks like it might bless you too: Ps.55:2 Give heed to me and answer me, I am restless in my complaint and am surely distracted..Lord give her the answer she needs to hear ONLY from you!

R.G. said...

Kim, in addition to all those wise comments above, I also think women tend to repeatedly revisit their "purpose" in life, while men are more apt to be confident they know what it is, and just follow it. (Until their midlife crisis, but that's another story.) We women are constantly reinventing ourselves, always wanting to correct our course, always checking to make sure we're on the path God wants us to walk. I think that's a great thing. It means we are staying attuned to Him and our hearts just want to please Him.

God will answer... sometimes in surprising ways.