Monday, September 25, 2006
Out of Balance and on Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat...
Have you ever had one of those days…or weeks…where it seems as though the perfectly tuned balance your world is spinning within, has somehow become off-kilter, like a recording that now skips…or worse yet is stuck on the same note? That is where I am this morning.
Picture it…the many cultures and occupations that have people wearing and balancing baskets on their heads? This morning I feel like the ‘basket’ I have balanced on my head is becoming completely out of balance and is beginning to shift and slide and everything I have neatly packed in that basket (every issue, thought, or feeling) is preparing to spill out onto the roadway. *(and YES my basket DOES feel this big some days!)
It’s not the fact that my ‘issues’ will be exposed…I really do believe in transparency, it’s the whole ‘out of control’ feeling I get. At my very core I BELIEVE the more I attempt to control something the less control I have. Until I get to the end of my rope where I am so concentrated on holding on…and God can do His work, I am suffering in futility.
Last night I went to the first session of our women’s study for church. I’m so conflicted about actually joining it and while I’m not prepared to share they ‘why’ to my reservation I will say it was clear God had me there for a specific reason last night. I had to share a prayer request for this ‘season of my life’ with my selected ‘partner’ (a women I absolutely adore, by the way), and what came out of my mouth even surprised me.
My greatest prayer request was…is… “What is the purpose of my life, God?”
I can SO see God shaking his head and thinking/saying… “My child, how many times will we go down this road?” Even my husband, as I shared this with him this morning said: “So you’re back in THAT box again huh?” not insulting, just truth spoken.
I know God (nor Paul) is angry that I continually get into this endless loop…though I do feel like a bit of a disappointment to God, like my significance is lacking because of a career or physical or emotional issue and He just wants me to seek MY significance IN HIM. Why can’t I get it?
I admitted again last night that as I see my husband approaching his own college graduation (hopefully with a degree and career choice he LOVES), I feel so aimless in my less than meaningful work. I am struggling to find any purpose in what I do 8-5, and frankly that is where I spend most of my time. Add to that I am a restless spirit and have NEVER worked ANYWHERE as long as I have worked here…now 5 ½ years.
I hear God asking me to redirect my mind…my life…to Him and watch as the pieces fall into place (almost effortlessly). He is also asking for something a bit harder…be content in this season. Any physical or emotional suffering I endure (for Him) is only for the growth factor. He has a plan for me and a part of that plan is exactly where I am today…God help me!
Have a fulfilling, meaningful Monday!