As I read the comments yesterday and RE-read my own post prompting these comments it dawned on me what I know...and you may not realize…this is only a snapshot of my life. Did it mold me? Yes! Did it affect my wholeness? Absolutely! Did it hurt me? Perhaps some. Did it teach me? You bet!
All of my combined experiences are what contributes to the WHOLE Kim. Truly, my motivation for that post was an ongoing ‘ribbing’ of sorts from Pastorman about my disdain for these weekly hymns. It did become a bit cathartic when I began to look at the ‘why’. I suppose I always knew ‘why’, but when it’s out there, for all the blogdom to see, it becomes much clearer.
You see I believe God created me and knowing what I was going to face even before it dawned on me. He prepared me and armed me physically, mentally, spiritually to handle everything…even before I knew Him well enough to call out to Him in these times.
I always wanted to be one of those tiny petite girls, the kind the boys felt they HAD to protect. Even now, when I begin to lament to God about how tall and ‘sturdy’ I am, He shows me a glimpse of how I’ve been able to use this physical strength not only for His glory but for my own self-preservation.
I joke with others that I never learned to fight because my sheer size and demeanor would be enough to ward off any potential enemies. This served me well when I found myself in situations I probably should have never entered.
I also lamented about my own intelligence (I know it’s pathetic to admit this). I saw how much EASIER it was for those that didn’t understand. The quote “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” became all too clear to me. I didn’t WANT to understand because with understanding and clarity come knowledge and wisdom and that same knowledge and wisdom demand change.
God reminded me how incredibly blessed I’ve been to see the pain and hurt of others and gifted to respond to that. He reminded me that it is not demanding to hold wisdom…rather it is a gift to be sown in discipling.
I lamented to God about His seeming ineffectiveness in my own trials and tribulations. I know it actually seems a bit laughable when I see just how cushy I actually had it. God has shown me time and again His hand on MY life and His hand on my head and His hand carrying me through trials both from Him and the tribulations I found on my own.
I lamented to God about most everything and I also believe it is in that kind of relationship with God, that I have become who I am today and am moving closer to what God desires I become…eventually.
So I do not lament about the past with my parents ‘demonstrative disagreements’. Even that taught me the power of love and healing and FORGIVENESS. I saw the ‘rest of the story’ when my father was finally saved not too many years ago. I saw my mother begin to mellow and heal with age and an understanding that life is short. I saw the difference finding a church (recently) to SERVE in, made in their lives.
Here’s how intricately our lives are woven. I won the CWO book last month: “Inconceivable” by Shannon Woodward. I want to say right off the bat, it's an INCREDIBLE read. It pulls you in and you are walking hand in hand with Shannon as she takes you on this tortuous yet healing and HOPE-filled journey!
God knew that in my own infertility struggles it was time to begin the healing in my journey. He brought me this book, free of physical charge. It has cost me gallons of tears and comes at a high emotional cost, but God is there as I turn each page and begin to embrace the healing He holds in this area, just as He heals the spirit of hymn rejection.
Last night as I read (way too late into the night) I came across a chapter called: “Beauty”. Shannon was trying to capture on video the Northern Lights that erupted above her but as she trained her camera to record the view, it fled. It was as though God had presented the show just for her…for that moment.
This is the quote I pray we all hear and hold: “Some things can’t be captured. Some things you just have to remember.”
We have all experienced pain in one form or another. This is what molds us. Psalm 139 is what molds me. I pray we have all seen God’s hand (cause it IS there) in the aftermath in healing. For me, I have seen and continue to see the ‘me’ that is WHOLLY His, and this is what I CHOOSE to remember!
Have a FULL and HOLY Friday!