Ask Not--Have Not

I was talking to the friend I've known the longest...about the whole church thing.

Her suggestion is that I contact the churches I would consider visiting and let them know what I'm looking for and see if it's a 'fit'. If not, she suggests I ask if they have a suggestion for another church that might better match what it is I'm seeking.

A part of me thinks that is SO egotistical, because church is not supposed to be about, or for me...but in a way it is. It's supposed to be MY community, the place I come together with others (like-minded) and we can corporately worship God together. In our current 'community', only a handful of the 700+ people even speak to us or have made any effort to get to know us.

A part of me is scared that the right 'fit' isn't out there.

A part of me wishes I lived in a less...what's the PC term...RELIGIOUS State. I know it's not just this State. I've visited other places that were extremely rigid in beliefs and in my interpretation left NO room for the Holy Spirit to even show himself, much less move through the congregation.

I don't know if I need to delve deeper into what church is supposed to be...or get to outlining what MY CHURCH is supposed to be. I guess I have homework either way.

In the meantime, I'll go where and when God leads me and try to remember...it's all part of the journey!

Okay Lord...I'm ASKING!!!!

Soul-ful Soul Journey

I've been on a Spiritual Journey...well...all my life, but recently the rough terrain has increased as I traverse into and among a valley of thorns and thickets. There are times it seems I have on stiletto heels in this unpleasant environment and my feet are killing me.

All women know that feeling (or lack thereof) from wearing high heels all day. Your feet ache to be on flat ground. The pain and pressure on the heel and balls of your feet burn with sheer need to relax and 'step down'. I've heard tales of comfortable high heeled shoes, but I've yet to have the funds or mindset to purchase these legendary shoes. I'm middle-class and a bit cheap when it comes to clothing and shoe purchases. I suppose this is a downside to being a garage sale addict. I can't justify paying over $20.00 for a pair of shoes an definitely not in the hundreds of dollars.

Wow...I got off track there for a bit. My apologies, apparently that's a 'soft spot' for me. Anyway...this spiritual journey has felt much like walking in high heels for hours on end. You can't take them off and go barefoot because of the sticker patches. It's that moment when I step on that first sticker that it dawns on me that I'm definitely in the valley.

I suppose God has these sticker patches to protect the plant and also to remind us to watch where we're walking. When I think about the need for athletic shoes or comfortable hiking shoes during this journey I think about the things that bring the most comfort...the basic things I keep forgetting to take along the way.

I forget to take my Bible many days. I forget to take my sweet memories. I forget to take the words to God in prayer. I forget to take the headset that allows me to hear from God...and blocks the noise pollution along the way. I forget to take the Scripture to battle the enemy along the way.

If I were completely honest I would tell you I'm struggling with religion. I just cannot get my mind and heart wrapped around organized religion (in our churches) as the way God intended it. I still long for a home-church environment; a gathering place where Jesus, God and the Bible are a conversation...not a lecture. I long for absolute and complete intimacy with God through Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit. I long to feel and fuel the fire placed in me when I was 13 years old. I'm sick of hypocrisy and false prophets. I am sick to death of Sunday Morning Christians and I just can't do it anymore. I can't play church and continue to feel absolutely nothing.

Okay...I guess that just about says it all. And so, the journey continues...

Church #4

My Hubby blogged his first Meme...check him out to encourage this relatively new hobby. It's not easy for him because he looks at the written word as absolute...obviously not like me in this way! But give a 'shout out' if you have a free minute!

We visited, what I would consider, a MEGA-Church today. It is a non-denominational church and we already watch the pastor on TV each Sunday typically. We love to hear this pastor speak and teach. He has a natural ability to teach and preach with passion. We've visited here a few times and seen special speakers at this location.

They are doing a special series "He Said/She Said" in which both the pastor and his wife are teaching. Today they covered Gary Smalley's; "The Five Love Languages". I love the book and my husband and I have listened to the CD's in the past so it was a good refresher.

I'm still more of a temperament follower than love languages, but I see the value of both in just learning more about those we love and even those we interact with.

SO...why don't we just choose this church and start 'plugging in'? Mostly because it is SO big...there are 6 weekly services and each one, including the 9:00 a.m. service we attended today, are packed out. I believe they have well over 10,000 members, if you include their off-site locations in OKC, Norman, LasVegas, Texas, and online. That's overwhelming to me and even with small groups I don't know if it would ever feel like a 'home church' to me.

They were actually doing a small group expo today and we picked up some information on small groups available and this is also the church that sponsors the writer's small group I have attended.

I just don't want to be a part of a church that wouldn't know whether I was there or not and it doesn't really matter whether I serve or not. My husband did point out that it might be nice to attend a church with more volunteers.

Each week I long for a home church or a small intimate setting. Cool Mama recommended in one of her comments to me, that we sit down and write out what it is we're looking for in a church home.

I haven't formally done that...but I just may attempt it this week. I think part of it is I'm afraid to be too concrete for fear it really doesn't exist. I think about how I met my husband and how it was SO God...and I want to believe the same will happen with church.

It was a good visit today...but I seriously doubt it's our new church...as the search continues.

We also went to see the movie "The Invisible" today...and it's not even worth a link. It just wasn't a great movie...not even a good movie...thankfully it was an early "cheap" movie.

Church #3

We visited this church this past Sunday. It was not at all what I expected. The worship was really powerful and the mood was set with a candle lit room. There were open invitations for families to come and pray together at prayer tables...or at the alter. It was Mother's Day so of course it was a bit different than usual...the Pastor's Wife spoke...she shared her story as a Mom and wife in ministry.

I thought she had a wonderful ability to connect to the women and men alike. She shared her story openly...even the stuff from the beginning of their ministry where she had to learn some hard lessons about serving and boundaries.

The message was primarily directed to the mothers and at first I thought it would be hard...another mother's day without that experience...but what really got to me...and opened up the faucet of tears was when she started talking about how God works.

She reminded us (me) that God...the God of the Universe, who can speak things into existence; God who created EVERYTHING saw a need for an Abraham Lincoln and he used a poor farmer women to bring this baby into the world. When God needed a Martin Luther King Jr. he chose another woman, not a wealthy woman, but a God-fearing woman to bring this baby into the world. And when God needed a Savior...He used a young girl with a heart for God to bring a Savior into the world. Our creator did the same thing with us.

God needed a Kim to do His work...so He chose a man and a woman to bring this baby into the world for God's purpose. While God may not use me to bring a baby into this world, I will be used to do His will in His time, at His leading. That's a humbling and incredibly love-filled reminder.

We left the service and while I don't know my husband's take on the whole thing, I think I was more 'touched' than he was. We'll probably go back and at least hear the Pastor preach.

After church, we took Mom (and Dad) out to see the movie "Georgia Rule". It was definitely "R" rated. The language was stronger than I thought it needed to be. The story was much more intense than the previews let on. It's really a story about overcoming the bad stuff life brings...with family. It's a love story, but a difficult story to watch, because so much of the lesson is born of pain.

Jane Fonda was incredible in her role (and I'm not a huge Jane Fonda fan...but she really stole the show). Lindsay Lohan was 'okay' and Felicity Huffman definitely held her own. There was some beautiful scenery of Idaho (or what I imagine was really Idaho). And thankfully it ended well...so overall I don't regret seeing it and while I may not recommend it over some other movies...it was okay and Mom really liked it.

Now...it's Monday evening and I'm zonked...I guess this is everything for now.

I hope your mother's day brought joy and an increase in wisdom! Thank God for our Mothers, the women used by God to bring His children to earth.

Barbie and the Good Eggs

Before I get started on this ‘mini-rant’ I wanted to say I didn’t do a church review this week because we returned to the church I visited alone last weekend, so my husband could experience a time of worship I knew would meet a need!

It was a good visit again. On some level it’s hard to not just start attending because some of our best friends attend, but I know we have to wait for God’s word on our church…so we wait.

Okay, so I’m reading the Sunday edition of our fine newspaper (albeit a bit right of center), but acceptable at least for the ads and travel section. Right on the front cover was a story titled “GOOD EGGS” and it had a large picture of Barbie on it…let me see if I can take a photo of it…one moment please! This article talks about the qualities the egg donors that are considered ideal would possess…and I didn’t have a problem with a majority of the criteria. It included a high IQ, an acceptable psychological exam, healthy egg supply, nonsmokers, able to pass blood tests…then it said ‘good looks’. My issue with ‘good looks’ is that is a fairly subjective quality. Beauty to one is clearly NOT beauty to another and in the words of Forrest Gump… “Beauty IS as Beauty DOES”.

I just cannot believe my city; my major newspaper would have a picture of Barbie for the ideal egg donor comparison. This is the same Barbie who clearly struggles with aging and settling down in marriage. She has been known to be a bit reckless; at least she was in my toy chest. Add to that, she may have an eating disorder, because I don’t ever see her eat.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the people who run our newspaper would select a blonde haired, blue eyed DOLL as the ideal egg donor. If you’re wondering what I expected I would have to say either NO picture, or a collage of many different woman, or at least many Barbies.

I promise you if it weren’t for the coupons I clip each week I wouldn’t even subscribe to the newspaper. I have to just glance at a NY Times occasionally or Washington Post just to be certain intelligent life and newsworthy stories still exist. I do love this city and most of what it offers; I’m just struggling in the aftermath of my reaction to this cover story.
So, what rides the front page of your newspapers on a Springtime Sunday issue?

What's Your Sign?

If you're looking for Astrology...you're at the wrong blog!

Actually, Pastorman started a new series on Sunday...and frankly I don't recall the 'name' of the series right at this moment but it's about our homes. Not just our dwelling places, but Jesus' dwelling place.

Sunday, he talked about the various signs that exist at people's homes. He and another pastor went on a short field trip and photographed many of the different types of signs people use on their doors, and how they sometimes carry over into our walk with Christ.

The premise is that the foundation of our home is not the cement that is poured to keep our home level...rather it is the front door. The front door and what's written on it, truly paints a picture.

The front door could say: NO TRESPASSING...PRIVATE PROPERTY...KEEP OUT...they all imply the same thing. STAY AWAY!!!! Many of us have these doors on our lives. We may wear a face that is less than inviting, even angry. We may maintain a body language that says the same thing; arms crossed, eyes narrowed, completely closed off. We may wear sunglasses inside to prevent eye contact with others. We may look away or ignore everyone else around us. We may put on headphones to block out the world, or wear our 'blue-tooth'.

Sometimes the front door says: BEWARE OF THE DOG. We all know what this one looks like on a door and up close and personal. Enough said.

Every once in awhile the door says something unexpected, like: WELCOME or WELCOME HOME. These are the homes that I want to visit. This is the way I want my life to be. I want to be an open door, a welcome sign. I'm 100% certain this is what God wants too.

I hope you have a 'welcoming' kind of day and that the door to your life is always adorned with beauty, love and blessings!

D is for Disciple

Once again God heard my prayer and answered louder than I anticipated or expected. It seems to return to expectations over and over again…for me.

I was having a less than stellar Sunday morning and really questioning my own and my husband’s motivation for attending church. We agreed we both are in need of some deeper teaching…something deeper with Christ. I also recalled my own desire to do more than just warm a seat at church each Sunday. We tabled our discussion as we entered the building.

We got through the pre-service visiting, the first two songs to lead us into our service time and I prayed that God would break my heart. I prayed that I would just take HIS lead and not try to jump ahead of where He has us in this church. Then a video started on the screens. In the middle of the screen was the word “Disciple”.

The video appeared to be a Rabbi discussing the definitions of the word Disciple. I sat there shaking my head disbelieving that so soon after my own prayer and desire to seek more discipling in our church…here and now…today…God was answering my prayer with a resounding YES and a request to get on board with His plan.

The pastor took the stage after the video and a few things he brought up really hit me. The first was that being a disciple means ‘having your life pressed against someone else’s life’. He talked about the parallel to apprenticeships and how the apprentice learns by watching and learning from his/her teacher.

I listened as Pastorman continued to encourage us to seek this type of relationship either to teach another…or be open enough…humble enough to BE taught. It was absolutely God banging on the door of my heart and yet I continued to hold back a bit.

After the service and Pastorman’s call to us to complete a commitment card to this discipling plan…I quickly ushered my husband out towards the front door when one of my dear friends at church approached me quickly and asked to speak to me.

This woman is one of my sources of strength and leadership and she knows Scripture like someone twice her age. She asked me if I would pray about the two of us entering into this discipleship model. She asked me to disciple her. I informed her I felt we may be able to mutually disciple one another as we have strengths in different areas.

I promised her I would pray about it and while I don’t yet have an answer I know God will definitely answer this prayer.

I remembered the formal ‘mentoring’ program I was a part of with our past church and how much it meant to me and to the young woman I mentored. It was a humbling experience and one that continually glorified God each time we met. She taught me…and I taught her. It really was a mutual relationship.

I continually stand in amazement at God and His incredible sense of timing! I guess I shouldn’t be amazed…after all He IS God!

Have a blessed Sunday….it’s back to work and training tomorrow. I probably won’t be around much til Wednesday as the first couple of days are the busiest. We’ll see!

I’m just now finishing up catching up on my reading.