Remember in high school English writing those paragraphs or short stories and they had to start with some goofy phrase...this one for some reason has stuck with me...I think I even used it in college...it really has little to do with this post, just thought I'd throw it out there and stretch the mind a bit.
This is how it COULD relate....Earlier today I shared a little about my infertility struggle. I truly wanted to get it off my chest and put it out there once and for all with the hope that once it's in the "light" I will begin to heal. I will allow myself to heal from this pain. I HATE being held hostage by a feeling or a relentless thought pattern that doesn't do anything but beat me down and give Satan free reign! YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I know I do just that...I keep it all tucked away inside thinking if I don't expose it, I never have to deal with it...yeah right! We all know how successful that is...feel free to refer to a DSM-IV manual or take a leisurely stroll through a bookstore SELF-HELP section and get a look-see at how effective this method is.
The best part of this experience is the opportunity to once again be incredibly blessed by women in this 'blog' realm. I am one of those women who didn't have tons of "girlfriends"...I always related better to boys and had many more "guy-friends" throughout school and into my early adulthood. I do have a hand-full of close friends that are women now, but I still tend to hold back to a great extent...at least until I feel "safe" and not at risk for the inevitable pain women have brought my way.
The women I have had the blessing of interacting with on this level, in this "world", continually teach me, through love and acceptance, how to be more like Christ. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I pray blessings of favor and prosperity and love, joy, peace and every good thing for you all. I love this place. I love this freedom. I love that God would find a way, in my secluded world of writing, to find and meet women of His, that He chose, that He ordained to come into my life, for such a time as this...
Gratitude and blessings! Now get busy writing, so I have something to read tomorrow!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Is That My Womb Screaming?
FAIR WARNING!
What I am about to write comes from the depth of my heart. It could be that it is fragmented and seemingly unrelated and I just want to give you fair warning before you attempt to read on. Apparently springtime is about renewal and rebirth on more then just the ‘chickie’ and ‘ducky’ level. As I ‘surf’ blogdom I have found many others who are contemplating and re-evaluating and trying to redefine their dot of earth, their place in the world, if you will.
One of the demons that haunt me is the defeat and failure associated with infertility. It gives me so much hope to be surrounded, by others, unseen but NOT unheard, in ‘blogdom’ who have experiences they are willing to share on this topic. Frankly, I was amazed at the honest outpouring I have read since arriving here, three short months ago.
Here is my story, it comes from my heart, so excuse my emotion and frankness and remember…this is also my journal.
WHO: My God-appointed husband and I.
WHAT: Desire for a baby/child.
WHEN: We’ve never done anything to prevent it though I suppose the “yearning” didn’t start until we moved to Oklahoma in 2001, I was 37.
HOW: Give me a break…we’ve got method down! Logistically speaking…I DO NOT want to pursue IVF or even fertility drugs out of age and fear, I think. I do think A LOT about adopting, and not necessarily an infant, but even an older child. I’m open to God’s intervention, but NOT so open to medical intervention. I think most of this comes from all the problems I’ve had medically with regards to OB-GYN issues and the feeling that if the doctors haven’t been able to “fix it” it ain’t gonna happen.
I did see an OB-GYN who gave me so much more hope in that she didn’t automatically slam shut the door to childbirth even at 40 years old…she was willing to give me options and look at everything before she ruled ANY option out.
WHY: My heart yearns to be a “mom” and with my husband to be parents of a child we can love, teach, nurture, and sow into his/her life. My life sometimes feels incomplete without our “child”.
Here’s where it gets tricky. I’m having trouble discerning the enemy from truth. I believe that God knows the desires of our hearts…after all He created us and put those things in us. I believe anything that isn’t “grounded” in truth is from the enemy. For example…the most obvious is when I hear the enemy say: You are not worthy to be a mom! God would never say that. God would say: “Let’s get you ready…mold you a bit to be the mother I made you to be.”
God says: “Children are a blessing.” What is keeping me from that blessing? My mind goes to these thoughts:
you are unworthy ~ you don’t DESERVE it ~ you have so much already and obviously don’t appreciate it as you ask for MORE ~ why are you being greedy ~ you are too immature ~ you are too selfish ~ you don’t have what it takes ~ your self-named incompleteness is a fleshly desire, not from God ~ you have done too much wrong.
I am trying to remember God’s truth:
I am NOT unworthy, as I am the righteousness of God in Christ. I am an heir of God through Christ.
Grace is the unmerited favor of God…no one deserves these blessings, we receive it our love and grace.
My desire is not out of GREED, but I must trust God’s answers and His timing in His will.
I don’t know how to address the immaturity and selfishness???? As far as having what it takes; I immediately think of pretty much every Biblical “mom” I’ve read about (except Mary, of course).
Desire to be a MOM is a fleshly desire??? Suffice to say I KNOW this is a lie!
I have done too much wrong? This is where I am reminded that God’s mercy is the undeserved forgiveness offered through Christ.
All these things come up (along with every specific example the enemy flings my way), from time to time as I travel the journey of childlessness…That sounds so depressing…
Recently I FINALLY opened up a website about adoption. I felt like a child disobeying an elder as I peered into this vast world. Immediately I was overwhelmed and thought I would have some sort of panic attack and then spontaneously combust…but I forced myself to focus and just LOOK at the option and what is required. I thought of the scripture: “to those much is given, much is required” (Luke 12:48)
I looked at the first few pages of helpful information and links and applications and requirements and then I closed it and I prayed. I asked God to guide me. I asked God to show me if I am ready to do this.
Am I ready to give of my heart and of my life (regardless of HOW much) to pursue this, EVEN if it doesn’t result in adopting a child? Are you willing to put ALL your resources out there? Are you willing to do without? Are you willing to sacrifice your own pride and humble yourself in the assessment of YOU as a parent? Are you willing to be “judged”? What qualities do you have that enable you to be a parent to a child? Do you want a child this bad? Do you want to walk down this road?
I want to say yes, but honestly I don’t know. I do wonder if I’m too old. I wonder if I’ll be alive long enough to ‘be there’ for a child. I wonder if I have the temperament to be an effective, yet loving parent. I wonder if I am giving enough. I wonder if I have enough love in me...Adoption adds the whole other element: “This is someone else’s birth child…it’s one thing to ‘screw up’ when you are raising your own child, but how much more pressure to do it ‘right’ with another person’s flesh and blood!
I’m so confused and overwhelmed and then I think that the confusion is a clear indicator that I’m not ready.
Enough for today…
What I am about to write comes from the depth of my heart. It could be that it is fragmented and seemingly unrelated and I just want to give you fair warning before you attempt to read on. Apparently springtime is about renewal and rebirth on more then just the ‘chickie’ and ‘ducky’ level. As I ‘surf’ blogdom I have found many others who are contemplating and re-evaluating and trying to redefine their dot of earth, their place in the world, if you will.
One of the demons that haunt me is the defeat and failure associated with infertility. It gives me so much hope to be surrounded, by others, unseen but NOT unheard, in ‘blogdom’ who have experiences they are willing to share on this topic. Frankly, I was amazed at the honest outpouring I have read since arriving here, three short months ago.
Here is my story, it comes from my heart, so excuse my emotion and frankness and remember…this is also my journal.
WHO: My God-appointed husband and I.
WHAT: Desire for a baby/child.
WHEN: We’ve never done anything to prevent it though I suppose the “yearning” didn’t start until we moved to Oklahoma in 2001, I was 37.
HOW: Give me a break…we’ve got method down! Logistically speaking…I DO NOT want to pursue IVF or even fertility drugs out of age and fear, I think. I do think A LOT about adopting, and not necessarily an infant, but even an older child. I’m open to God’s intervention, but NOT so open to medical intervention. I think most of this comes from all the problems I’ve had medically with regards to OB-GYN issues and the feeling that if the doctors haven’t been able to “fix it” it ain’t gonna happen.
I did see an OB-GYN who gave me so much more hope in that she didn’t automatically slam shut the door to childbirth even at 40 years old…she was willing to give me options and look at everything before she ruled ANY option out.
WHY: My heart yearns to be a “mom” and with my husband to be parents of a child we can love, teach, nurture, and sow into his/her life. My life sometimes feels incomplete without our “child”.
Here’s where it gets tricky. I’m having trouble discerning the enemy from truth. I believe that God knows the desires of our hearts…after all He created us and put those things in us. I believe anything that isn’t “grounded” in truth is from the enemy. For example…the most obvious is when I hear the enemy say: You are not worthy to be a mom! God would never say that. God would say: “Let’s get you ready…mold you a bit to be the mother I made you to be.”
God says: “Children are a blessing.” What is keeping me from that blessing? My mind goes to these thoughts:
you are unworthy ~ you don’t DESERVE it ~ you have so much already and obviously don’t appreciate it as you ask for MORE ~ why are you being greedy ~ you are too immature ~ you are too selfish ~ you don’t have what it takes ~ your self-named incompleteness is a fleshly desire, not from God ~ you have done too much wrong.
I am trying to remember God’s truth:
I am NOT unworthy, as I am the righteousness of God in Christ. I am an heir of God through Christ.
Grace is the unmerited favor of God…no one deserves these blessings, we receive it our love and grace.
My desire is not out of GREED, but I must trust God’s answers and His timing in His will.
I don’t know how to address the immaturity and selfishness???? As far as having what it takes; I immediately think of pretty much every Biblical “mom” I’ve read about (except Mary, of course).
Desire to be a MOM is a fleshly desire??? Suffice to say I KNOW this is a lie!
I have done too much wrong? This is where I am reminded that God’s mercy is the undeserved forgiveness offered through Christ.
All these things come up (along with every specific example the enemy flings my way), from time to time as I travel the journey of childlessness…That sounds so depressing…
Recently I FINALLY opened up a website about adoption. I felt like a child disobeying an elder as I peered into this vast world. Immediately I was overwhelmed and thought I would have some sort of panic attack and then spontaneously combust…but I forced myself to focus and just LOOK at the option and what is required. I thought of the scripture: “to those much is given, much is required” (Luke 12:48)
I looked at the first few pages of helpful information and links and applications and requirements and then I closed it and I prayed. I asked God to guide me. I asked God to show me if I am ready to do this.
Am I ready to give of my heart and of my life (regardless of HOW much) to pursue this, EVEN if it doesn’t result in adopting a child? Are you willing to put ALL your resources out there? Are you willing to do without? Are you willing to sacrifice your own pride and humble yourself in the assessment of YOU as a parent? Are you willing to be “judged”? What qualities do you have that enable you to be a parent to a child? Do you want a child this bad? Do you want to walk down this road?
I want to say yes, but honestly I don’t know. I do wonder if I’m too old. I wonder if I’ll be alive long enough to ‘be there’ for a child. I wonder if I have the temperament to be an effective, yet loving parent. I wonder if I am giving enough. I wonder if I have enough love in me...Adoption adds the whole other element: “This is someone else’s birth child…it’s one thing to ‘screw up’ when you are raising your own child, but how much more pressure to do it ‘right’ with another person’s flesh and blood!
I’m so confused and overwhelmed and then I think that the confusion is a clear indicator that I’m not ready.
Enough for today…
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Back to Work Tomorrow
After a full week break from work WITH MY HUSBAND!!! I am headed back to work tomorrow. I am hesitant to say what I feel about it, except to say it's what I must do for at least a few months, until my wonderful husband finishes school.
So, I'll use these last few minutes before the 'magic bedtime' to share my list of things I am going to do when my work is done in December, 2006...
1. Make lunch for my husband and put little 'love notes' inside
2. Further explore the option of adoption (hey I'm a poet...)
3. Write, write, write, complete my first book
4. Research, find, and commit to voluntary service opportunities
5. Spend more time with my friends
6. Start a cross-denominational community Bible Study for women
7. Take courses that interest me for NO grade
8. Visit nursing homes with my friend and her therapy dog
9. Make a difference in the life of people I encounter
10. Speak the truth with love all the time
I think about those 'quizes' that ask what you would do with your time if money were no object or if you had no 'fear'...I wonder why I feel I have to WAIT til December to START living the life God has for me. I'm not willing to walk down this path right now...perhaps tomorrow...
Sweet Dreams!
So, I'll use these last few minutes before the 'magic bedtime' to share my list of things I am going to do when my work is done in December, 2006...
1. Make lunch for my husband and put little 'love notes' inside
2. Further explore the option of adoption (hey I'm a poet...)
3. Write, write, write, complete my first book
4. Research, find, and commit to voluntary service opportunities
5. Spend more time with my friends
6. Start a cross-denominational community Bible Study for women
7. Take courses that interest me for NO grade
8. Visit nursing homes with my friend and her therapy dog
9. Make a difference in the life of people I encounter
10. Speak the truth with love all the time
I think about those 'quizes' that ask what you would do with your time if money were no object or if you had no 'fear'...I wonder why I feel I have to WAIT til December to START living the life God has for me. I'm not willing to walk down this path right now...perhaps tomorrow...
Sweet Dreams!
Consumed
Things that consume me:
My husband
Desire to fulfill my destiny
My thoughts
Creating art
Movies
Music
Books
Reading is probably one of my very favorite things in life. I love books. I have a temperament that requires me to immerse myself in God even in my reading. For me, whatever I spend my time on; whether it’s movies, music, art, reading, whatever…there is sometimes a subtle, sometimes NOT so subtle shifting of my mind, actions, mood towards these things.
I suppose it’s not ironic that I would ponder these things as we are doing a series at church on Worship, called “Consumed”. Some people can find balance and ‘dip’ their lives into many areas. Some people tend to fall into ‘bondage’ to the things they spend their time, money...their very lives on. I am one of those people. I can easily slip into patterns that are shifting my ultimate God-ordained destiny if I’m not mindful of what it is that I spend my time on. I can become so consumed by the things I am creating (crafts, writing, etc) that I lose track of everything else going on around me or in me.
This morning as I prepare my body, mind, heart for church; I am thinking about whether my life is worshipping God or something else. I am thinking about what it is I am CONSUMED by right now. A LIFESTYLE of Worship is what we are called to, not out of obedience, rather out of desire and love for God. My worship of GOD is authentic only in it’s reflection of the one who created me. My worship is the things I spend my time and life on.
I pray that God would reveal and remove the things and desire for things that are not in line with my desire for a lifestyle of worship. The revelation of the things I worship is usually pretty obvious. It’s the removal of these “things” that can feel like a scab being ripped from our skin. It is a covering, though not permanent, that hurts when removed. It has become a part of us, even if for only a short time. It covers the “real” person we are...or are created to be...beneath.
It’s not a pretty analogy but think about when you are wounded...better yet, think of your child. They might fall and get cut or scrape a knee or elbow…there is some dirt and debris that must be removed. The injury must be kissed (that’s part of the healing, at least in my experience). The wound must be covered and protected until healing begins, until the scab forms. Eventually the scab falls off to reveal new, tender skin beneath and sometimes a scar. This is part of the removal of the things in our life to reach the point of worship to God.
We are people; therefore, we become wounded at some point in our lives. We fall down and scrape our hearts or get cut by ourselves or others….there is dirt and debris in that wound (in the form of thoughts, behaviors and actions) that must be removed or it will infect us, possibly even kill us. We go to our Father who helps clean the wound. The Father will seek out and find the dirt and debris and help us clean it ALL out. He then holds us and kisses this ‘ouch-ie’ and applies a bandaid (sometimes even a pretty bandaid to help us forget the throbbing pain).
The healing is starting. Sometimes, like children, we remove the bandaid before it’s time and we pick at the scab (gross I know, but you see where this is going), the skin beneath is still very raw and bright pink, it’s very vulnerable to becoming reinjured. There are scars (reminders) as a result of this removal and healing.
In my life, as I question my worship to God, I wonder what God will reveal and remove. I know I will need a bandaid and I know God will provide a bandaid. I pray that the new skin beneath will be clean and uninfected. I pray that the desire to worship God will always overcome the desire to fulfill my flesh. I pray that God would remind me regularly, through the scars I’ve produced, what He brought me from and what He’s brought me to. I WANT to worship God not just on Sunday morning, but every minute of every day with every part of my life.
Have an awesome Sunday!
My husband
Desire to fulfill my destiny
My thoughts
Creating art
Movies
Music
Books
Reading is probably one of my very favorite things in life. I love books. I have a temperament that requires me to immerse myself in God even in my reading. For me, whatever I spend my time on; whether it’s movies, music, art, reading, whatever…there is sometimes a subtle, sometimes NOT so subtle shifting of my mind, actions, mood towards these things.
I suppose it’s not ironic that I would ponder these things as we are doing a series at church on Worship, called “Consumed”. Some people can find balance and ‘dip’ their lives into many areas. Some people tend to fall into ‘bondage’ to the things they spend their time, money...their very lives on. I am one of those people. I can easily slip into patterns that are shifting my ultimate God-ordained destiny if I’m not mindful of what it is that I spend my time on. I can become so consumed by the things I am creating (crafts, writing, etc) that I lose track of everything else going on around me or in me.
This morning as I prepare my body, mind, heart for church; I am thinking about whether my life is worshipping God or something else. I am thinking about what it is I am CONSUMED by right now. A LIFESTYLE of Worship is what we are called to, not out of obedience, rather out of desire and love for God. My worship of GOD is authentic only in it’s reflection of the one who created me. My worship is the things I spend my time and life on.
I pray that God would reveal and remove the things and desire for things that are not in line with my desire for a lifestyle of worship. The revelation of the things I worship is usually pretty obvious. It’s the removal of these “things” that can feel like a scab being ripped from our skin. It is a covering, though not permanent, that hurts when removed. It has become a part of us, even if for only a short time. It covers the “real” person we are...or are created to be...beneath.
It’s not a pretty analogy but think about when you are wounded...better yet, think of your child. They might fall and get cut or scrape a knee or elbow…there is some dirt and debris that must be removed. The injury must be kissed (that’s part of the healing, at least in my experience). The wound must be covered and protected until healing begins, until the scab forms. Eventually the scab falls off to reveal new, tender skin beneath and sometimes a scar. This is part of the removal of the things in our life to reach the point of worship to God.
We are people; therefore, we become wounded at some point in our lives. We fall down and scrape our hearts or get cut by ourselves or others….there is dirt and debris in that wound (in the form of thoughts, behaviors and actions) that must be removed or it will infect us, possibly even kill us. We go to our Father who helps clean the wound. The Father will seek out and find the dirt and debris and help us clean it ALL out. He then holds us and kisses this ‘ouch-ie’ and applies a bandaid (sometimes even a pretty bandaid to help us forget the throbbing pain).
The healing is starting. Sometimes, like children, we remove the bandaid before it’s time and we pick at the scab (gross I know, but you see where this is going), the skin beneath is still very raw and bright pink, it’s very vulnerable to becoming reinjured. There are scars (reminders) as a result of this removal and healing.
In my life, as I question my worship to God, I wonder what God will reveal and remove. I know I will need a bandaid and I know God will provide a bandaid. I pray that the new skin beneath will be clean and uninfected. I pray that the desire to worship God will always overcome the desire to fulfill my flesh. I pray that God would remind me regularly, through the scars I’ve produced, what He brought me from and what He’s brought me to. I WANT to worship God not just on Sunday morning, but every minute of every day with every part of my life.
Have an awesome Sunday!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
What's Your Favorite Color?
On the way home from visiting my sister I was asking my darling husband questions…because that’s what I do, I ask questions. Actually, my husband knows that if he doesn’t sing with me, I’m going to ask questions. We were talking about color and what our favorite colors are, we weren’t singing.
My husband, being the most “phlegmatic” person I know (temperament 101: peace-filled, peace-desiring, peace at all costs, NON-joining, non-committing, never using terms like always and never…this is Phlegmatic MAN) peers at me in while pondering his response to the question, “What is your favorite color?”
He finally says: “That’s a hard question.” I always guffaw when I hear a response like that because I ALWAYS have a response and typically a quick response about EVERYTHING. Of course, you know that about me already…lol!
Because he is my husband I ride him hard about it, “Come on, that is NOT a hard question…let me make it even easier…what is your favorite color to wear?”
“Well, it depends.” He utters.
“Are you kidding me?” I’m thinking silently while non-verbally burning his right arm on the steering wheel with my evil eye prompted by such an inane statement! By now, the Holy Spirit is quietly saying: “Maybe you should just sing for awhile…” Of course, because I know best what’s best for me…(oh no, I didn’t say that out loud did I?) we continue with these questions to no avail.
My husband, being such a peaceful person doesn’t have any problem continuing in his seeming uncertainty. He just doesn’t want to “commit” to an answer that could in fact, not be a true representation of his heart. This is one reason I know our marriage is strong and will remain strong, because he loves me…the day he finally told me he loves me I knew it was TRUE to the END!
Anyway, suffice to say he really couldn’t answer that ~ so as I always do in these times of non-commitment…I just tell him his answer! Don’t act like you haven’t done that!
I told him his favorite color must be blue or red because that is what he wears all the time. Of course he had some response to that statement, but I didn’t hear him because my singing was drowning him out by then.
Wow…that rabbit took me way off course…where was I…oh yes, color!
I studied color when I was contemplating an Art Therapy degree. It didn’t really surprise me to read how color not only impacts mood and chemicals in our brain, but also how long-term exposure to specific colors can ultimately shift and alter behavior…for good or bad! The color purple, for example, was not used in ‘asylums’ because of its ability to invoke insanity. Yet, purple is a “royal” color, used by kings and queens throughout history to signify royalty…go figure!
I’m sitting here in the “green room” this morning and realized what a perfect color and “name” for this room. Green is a calming color it also promotes creativity (check this site out: www.myth.com/color/meaning.html. This site is entertaining more then educational but it gives great words for your favorite colors.)
The name “Green Room” has even more significance. I had initially thought about how it is used in theater and television. Guests wait in a “green room” before coming onstage. I looked it up online and here is what I found:
The Green Room: The origin of the term is unknown, though some explanations, that the colour was a response to limelight – early stage lighting, have been suggested. Green is also thought to be a calming and soothing colour.
Additionally, it is a “surfing term” that is the inside of a “tube”, which I had NO IDEA what a tube was…and it means: The inside of a hollow wave. Okay so in surfing to be in a ‘green room’ is to be surfing inside a hollow wave…I can see why it would get that term.
This green room I am in this morning casts a glow under the door. I think it must be special. It is a special place to be...for me. It is a wonderful world of my own creation waiting to be untapped. It is where I can commune with God while I am “waiting” to ‘perform’ here on earth. It is a ‘limelight’ with God. It is sometimes, surfing inside a BIG hollow wave. It can be scary and uncertain. It can be overwhelming and feel stagnating. It can smother me, in my own self-expectation and judgment. BUT, it can also hug me and hold me tight while I allow my mind to wander through the stories within me.
Green is my favorite color.
My husband, being the most “phlegmatic” person I know (temperament 101: peace-filled, peace-desiring, peace at all costs, NON-joining, non-committing, never using terms like always and never…this is Phlegmatic MAN) peers at me in while pondering his response to the question, “What is your favorite color?”
He finally says: “That’s a hard question.” I always guffaw when I hear a response like that because I ALWAYS have a response and typically a quick response about EVERYTHING. Of course, you know that about me already…lol!
Because he is my husband I ride him hard about it, “Come on, that is NOT a hard question…let me make it even easier…what is your favorite color to wear?”
“Well, it depends.” He utters.
“Are you kidding me?” I’m thinking silently while non-verbally burning his right arm on the steering wheel with my evil eye prompted by such an inane statement! By now, the Holy Spirit is quietly saying: “Maybe you should just sing for awhile…” Of course, because I know best what’s best for me…(oh no, I didn’t say that out loud did I?) we continue with these questions to no avail.
My husband, being such a peaceful person doesn’t have any problem continuing in his seeming uncertainty. He just doesn’t want to “commit” to an answer that could in fact, not be a true representation of his heart. This is one reason I know our marriage is strong and will remain strong, because he loves me…the day he finally told me he loves me I knew it was TRUE to the END!
Anyway, suffice to say he really couldn’t answer that ~ so as I always do in these times of non-commitment…I just tell him his answer! Don’t act like you haven’t done that!
I told him his favorite color must be blue or red because that is what he wears all the time. Of course he had some response to that statement, but I didn’t hear him because my singing was drowning him out by then.
Wow…that rabbit took me way off course…where was I…oh yes, color!
I studied color when I was contemplating an Art Therapy degree. It didn’t really surprise me to read how color not only impacts mood and chemicals in our brain, but also how long-term exposure to specific colors can ultimately shift and alter behavior…for good or bad! The color purple, for example, was not used in ‘asylums’ because of its ability to invoke insanity. Yet, purple is a “royal” color, used by kings and queens throughout history to signify royalty…go figure!
I’m sitting here in the “green room” this morning and realized what a perfect color and “name” for this room. Green is a calming color it also promotes creativity (check this site out: www.myth.com/color/meaning.html. This site is entertaining more then educational but it gives great words for your favorite colors.)
The name “Green Room” has even more significance. I had initially thought about how it is used in theater and television. Guests wait in a “green room” before coming onstage. I looked it up online and here is what I found:
The Green Room: The origin of the term is unknown, though some explanations, that the colour was a response to limelight – early stage lighting, have been suggested. Green is also thought to be a calming and soothing colour.
Additionally, it is a “surfing term” that is the inside of a “tube”, which I had NO IDEA what a tube was…and it means: The inside of a hollow wave. Okay so in surfing to be in a ‘green room’ is to be surfing inside a hollow wave…I can see why it would get that term.
This green room I am in this morning casts a glow under the door. I think it must be special. It is a special place to be...for me. It is a wonderful world of my own creation waiting to be untapped. It is where I can commune with God while I am “waiting” to ‘perform’ here on earth. It is a ‘limelight’ with God. It is sometimes, surfing inside a BIG hollow wave. It can be scary and uncertain. It can be overwhelming and feel stagnating. It can smother me, in my own self-expectation and judgment. BUT, it can also hug me and hold me tight while I allow my mind to wander through the stories within me.
Green is my favorite color.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I LOVE it....
Today during our spring break "hiatus" my wonderful husband and I repainted our 'sterile' office (the space I work and dream) and began the transformation into a space I love! I hope to find an overstuffed easy chair and ottoman to add to the corner and make a "reading space" with a quirky lamp to go next to it...and I want to paint some words along the ceiling that inspire me.
Here's a quick peak at what I've started in the room and my darling husband too!
This vacationing at home is the life...if only I had limitless funds to do the things I dream of in my head. I was also inspired by Karen of http://thebigtradeoff.blogspot.com to get back to sewing and "so" (no pun intended) I "sewed" the curtain for the office and made the picture board with the leftover fabric. I LOVE to craft, it's one of my biggest passions outside of writing.
Without further ado:
the GREEN APPLE room, TADA!
Here's a quick peak at what I've started in the room and my darling husband too!
This vacationing at home is the life...if only I had limitless funds to do the things I dream of in my head. I was also inspired by Karen of http://thebigtradeoff.blogspot.com to get back to sewing and "so" (no pun intended) I "sewed" the curtain for the office and made the picture board with the leftover fabric. I LOVE to craft, it's one of my biggest passions outside of writing.
Without further ado:
the GREEN APPLE room, TADA!
Sweet dreams!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Chatty Cathy
There was this doll, in the 1960’s I think, called Chatty Cathy. Either my sister or I must have had her, because I remember vaguely her being a part of our lives. She chatted…I don’t know what the heck she said…but to young children, I’m certain it was riveting. This was the “high tech” toy in that era. I’ve been thinking a lot about “Cathy” lately…
Chatty Cathy and her words, brought endless hours of entertainment to us as children. She didn’t say THAT much which means it repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated…you get the point. But these same, repetitious statements, were so important to us as youngsters. We felt we were interacting and it made the “playtime” seem so much more authentic.
Sometimes I wonder if God looks at me like some sort of “Chatty Cathy” because I can go on and on and on about the same things I was JUST talking to Him a day, week, month, even year ago. Thankfully, I know this is just the enemy trying to defeat me. God speaks to me on a fairly regular basis, and I know he not only enjoys our “chats”, He values them and looks forward to them. Sometimes He’ll even get me up really early in the morning to talk.
There are times when I immediately understand what He’s trying to teach me and even better, I look forward to the resulting journey. There are other times when I have NO clue what He’s talking about or where it came from, these are the times I enter “Chatty Cathy” mode. These are times our talks feel one-sided and either He or I do all the talking (usually me) while the other sits in silence. These are the times I say, as a child would to a Father, “Did you hear what I just said?” Of course, I KNOW God hears my every word. He “hangs on my every word”.
When I allow God the center stage and He speaks in my silence I ponder…inhale…exhale…trying to discern what should be said in response, if anything or what exactly He’s trying to tell me. I’m sure sometimes I must have that same painted, glazed look on my face that “Chatty Cathy” has….cute, but clueless! Sometimes God asks me: “Did you hear what I just said?” Of course, I usually have NO IDEA what He just said because I was off in another land “all about me!”
I thank God that He is willing to explain things to me over and over and over again; both verbally and nonverbally. He shows me through my life and the life of people I interact with, so many lessons on life. God ‘speaks’ to me and even confirms things with me sometimes subtly and sometimes direct and “in my face”. Whenever I’m entering the “Chatty Cathy” phase, I thank God that he hears beyond the repetition and He never tires of our “engaging” and authentic conversations.
Side note: Do you ever write something and ponder it and ponder it and ponder it and think… "this is incomplete!”
That is how I felt about this story…I shared that with my wonderful husband after I read this entry and this was his response: “that’s good I like it.”
I replied: “It just feels incomplete to me.”
He replied: “Maybe you should sleep on it.”
I retorted: “I’ve slept on it for a week now.”
He replied: “Okay, maybe the sleeping is over!”
I laugh and laugh and laugh as I post this somehow, incomplete post.
I hope it at least makes you laugh as you remember “Chatty Cathy!” Unless of course you’re under 34ish and had all those other dolls that spoke volumes and peed and ate and made “Cathy” seem somehow archaic…well you get the point!
Chatty Cathy and her words, brought endless hours of entertainment to us as children. She didn’t say THAT much which means it repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated…you get the point. But these same, repetitious statements, were so important to us as youngsters. We felt we were interacting and it made the “playtime” seem so much more authentic.
Sometimes I wonder if God looks at me like some sort of “Chatty Cathy” because I can go on and on and on about the same things I was JUST talking to Him a day, week, month, even year ago. Thankfully, I know this is just the enemy trying to defeat me. God speaks to me on a fairly regular basis, and I know he not only enjoys our “chats”, He values them and looks forward to them. Sometimes He’ll even get me up really early in the morning to talk.
There are times when I immediately understand what He’s trying to teach me and even better, I look forward to the resulting journey. There are other times when I have NO clue what He’s talking about or where it came from, these are the times I enter “Chatty Cathy” mode. These are times our talks feel one-sided and either He or I do all the talking (usually me) while the other sits in silence. These are the times I say, as a child would to a Father, “Did you hear what I just said?” Of course, I KNOW God hears my every word. He “hangs on my every word”.
When I allow God the center stage and He speaks in my silence I ponder…inhale…exhale…trying to discern what should be said in response, if anything or what exactly He’s trying to tell me. I’m sure sometimes I must have that same painted, glazed look on my face that “Chatty Cathy” has….cute, but clueless! Sometimes God asks me: “Did you hear what I just said?” Of course, I usually have NO IDEA what He just said because I was off in another land “all about me!”
I thank God that He is willing to explain things to me over and over and over again; both verbally and nonverbally. He shows me through my life and the life of people I interact with, so many lessons on life. God ‘speaks’ to me and even confirms things with me sometimes subtly and sometimes direct and “in my face”. Whenever I’m entering the “Chatty Cathy” phase, I thank God that he hears beyond the repetition and He never tires of our “engaging” and authentic conversations.
Side note: Do you ever write something and ponder it and ponder it and ponder it and think… "this is incomplete!”
That is how I felt about this story…I shared that with my wonderful husband after I read this entry and this was his response: “that’s good I like it.”
I replied: “It just feels incomplete to me.”
He replied: “Maybe you should sleep on it.”
I retorted: “I’ve slept on it for a week now.”
He replied: “Okay, maybe the sleeping is over!”
I laugh and laugh and laugh as I post this somehow, incomplete post.
I hope it at least makes you laugh as you remember “Chatty Cathy!” Unless of course you’re under 34ish and had all those other dolls that spoke volumes and peed and ate and made “Cathy” seem somehow archaic…well you get the point!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
What Kind of Hugger Are You?
Have you ever evaluated your hug? I mean the hug you offer to the people you encounter...I hadn't even thought about it except when I'm thinking: "Oh Lord...am I going to have to hug this person?" I know that is a terrible confession...but there are people (typically 'family' at reunions) that I do not know whatsoever...yet I am expected to hug them as long lost family, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
I come from a long line of NON-huggers. My parents didn't hug us much after we were out of elementary school. My extended family doesn't hug and when we do ~ at weddings or events, it is awkward and "strange" for us. As I've shared in the past...I have walls around me that are NOT completely down yet (guess where they came from) and when people, I don't know at all, scale those walls and step into my space...to hug me...it freaks me out!
I have a friend at church that has missed quite a bit with a child who had been very sick. I say friend, though we really haven’t spent time together outside of church, we have this “connection” that goes beyond words. We are “spiritual sisters,” at least that’s how I can best explain it. I don’t know if you have ever had this kind of “friendship”, but it is unique in my experience and there are only a handful of people that I connect with beyond regular face-to-face interactions to this level.
One of the things I love most about her is her ability to openly show love. It's as though God has placed us together to blend our differences and teach us both. She is weak in her self-esteem. I am STRONG in this area. I am weak in openly showing love. She is STRONG in this area. It works…
I see her come in today and I always eventually meander my way to her side of the room and she always hugs me. Every person alive knows the language of “hugs”. The hugs I’ve experienced include:
The slap-on-the-back but hold bodies’ apart hug,
The quick embrace with shoulders touching hug,
The stand by my side put an arm over my shoulder and squeeze hug,
The shoulder grab-kiss-on-both-cheeks that the Europeans taught us, hug.
The quick, non-squeezing, non-committal, acquaintance hug,
The bear hug,
The manly slamming of the chests while mid-air hug,
And…finally…the I love you, my friend, and I will hold on to you hug!
This last hug is what I got this morning. This hug was so uncomfortable at first. It was NOT what I was USED to and it was not comfortable. Now, this hug means so much to me. As you may have gathered, I’m not a touchy-feely kind of friend. I CAN hug my friends and I do…but it’s typically quick and painless and fairly nondescript. When this friend hugs me, every single time, I walk away feeling like I am truly loved. I have value in her life. She cares for me.
I am going to work on my “hugs” this week and I pray I can offer to my friends and to the people I encounter the kind of hug I would WANT. I pray God would bring someone to me that is LIKE me...with walls and all...that I could hug and love as only He has shown me through others.
I come from a long line of NON-huggers. My parents didn't hug us much after we were out of elementary school. My extended family doesn't hug and when we do ~ at weddings or events, it is awkward and "strange" for us. As I've shared in the past...I have walls around me that are NOT completely down yet (guess where they came from) and when people, I don't know at all, scale those walls and step into my space...to hug me...it freaks me out!
I have a friend at church that has missed quite a bit with a child who had been very sick. I say friend, though we really haven’t spent time together outside of church, we have this “connection” that goes beyond words. We are “spiritual sisters,” at least that’s how I can best explain it. I don’t know if you have ever had this kind of “friendship”, but it is unique in my experience and there are only a handful of people that I connect with beyond regular face-to-face interactions to this level.
One of the things I love most about her is her ability to openly show love. It's as though God has placed us together to blend our differences and teach us both. She is weak in her self-esteem. I am STRONG in this area. I am weak in openly showing love. She is STRONG in this area. It works…
I see her come in today and I always eventually meander my way to her side of the room and she always hugs me. Every person alive knows the language of “hugs”. The hugs I’ve experienced include:
The slap-on-the-back but hold bodies’ apart hug,
The quick embrace with shoulders touching hug,
The stand by my side put an arm over my shoulder and squeeze hug,
The shoulder grab-kiss-on-both-cheeks that the Europeans taught us, hug.
The quick, non-squeezing, non-committal, acquaintance hug,
The bear hug,
The manly slamming of the chests while mid-air hug,
And…finally…the I love you, my friend, and I will hold on to you hug!
This last hug is what I got this morning. This hug was so uncomfortable at first. It was NOT what I was USED to and it was not comfortable. Now, this hug means so much to me. As you may have gathered, I’m not a touchy-feely kind of friend. I CAN hug my friends and I do…but it’s typically quick and painless and fairly nondescript. When this friend hugs me, every single time, I walk away feeling like I am truly loved. I have value in her life. She cares for me.
The thing I learn most from her is her ability to offer this 'gift' in the midst of her own suffering. She has literally been through HELL this year in so many ways. She has had trial after trial after trial in her life...in all areas of her life…yet she continues to offer this love openly and freely to her friends. I am so blessed to be one of them. God knew this is a person I needed in my life if for no other reason then to show me a true friend hug!
I am going to work on my “hugs” this week and I pray I can offer to my friends and to the people I encounter the kind of hug I would WANT. I pray God would bring someone to me that is LIKE me...with walls and all...that I could hug and love as only He has shown me through others.
Spring is in the Air
Just a quick note to say: It is spring break this week and my husband and I had both scheduled to be off work (while school is out) and go on a trip back east...that didn't pan out...bummer...but I am so excited that spring is here (even if it does mean weekly mowing is coming too). Add to that, I get to actually SEE my husband awake and spend TIME with him.
After 8 years of marriage and over 10 years "together", I still feel my heart go pitter, patter when I SEE him and I just go off into space when he holds my hand or kisses me! So sappy, I know, but honest! My husband truly is the completion of my heart. He is not only my other half, he is my BETTER half. In the words of every sappy, silly romantic movie, he is the part of me that illuminates life!
Thank you God for giving us eternal, heavenly love and thank you for our earthly spouse. I know they only BEGIN to mimic the love you have for us, yet they offer us this unique picture of ourselves through your eyes.
Time to get ready for church...
After 8 years of marriage and over 10 years "together", I still feel my heart go pitter, patter when I SEE him and I just go off into space when he holds my hand or kisses me! So sappy, I know, but honest! My husband truly is the completion of my heart. He is not only my other half, he is my BETTER half. In the words of every sappy, silly romantic movie, he is the part of me that illuminates life!
Thank you God for giving us eternal, heavenly love and thank you for our earthly spouse. I know they only BEGIN to mimic the love you have for us, yet they offer us this unique picture of ourselves through your eyes.
Time to get ready for church...
Friday, March 10, 2006
Constant Craving
Nope, not a song this morning, an honest to goodness craving…
I know you’re sitting there thinking, “what for?”
I am craving (and woke up at 5:00 a.m. craving) a Krispy Kreme donut filled with either the Bavarian creamy stuff OR preferably that stuff that’s like wedding cake icing….Thank GOD I live a few miles away from that den of temptation or I’d be ‘stuffing’ myself without a thought to the icing or filling sprinkling my mouth as I torpedo the little delight in!
That may not seem like such “biggee” to those of you who live outside Oklahoma…but here, in the south (said with a drawl and the word ‘south’ has 2 syllables)…we ladies, carry ourselves with dignity and would never risk smearing our lipstick, God forbid having someone from Kickboxing class see us indulging in the carbohydrate death knoll of a Krispy Kreme donut, much less one FILLED with refined sugar. These episodes are strictly for the weak willed or those who can sneak it home and get in the closet before the feeling passes or the scent draws predators!
I settled for my usual breakfast of a South Beach Diet meal replacement bar…though it is the peanut butter and chocolate kind and quite yummy AND I have my peppermint coffee to top it all off…so I’m NOT hurtin’.
As far as KICKBOXING goes…I’ve seen people really succeed in it. The key to success, in my observation, has always been, they were YOUNG people; under 30 in fact! While I’m not Methuselah, I am not quite as limber and agile as I was when I WAS 30…I TRIED the Tae Boe tapes (in the privacy of my own home) and let me tell you…aside from looking like a complete goof while kicking, air-punching, etc, I dang near fell over BEFORE that darling and BUFF, Billy Blanks informed the viewers we might want to use a chair for balance! Good GRIEF…you don’t think that information would have been helpful BEFORE I fell down, do ya’? (side note: eject tape…put in next garage sale). Bear in mind, I NEVER took ballet as a child…standing on one leg for anything other then hopscotch, was strictly for the flamingos!
So…what is all this rambling about Krispy Kreme donuts and exercise venues have to do with anything…
First of all, if I have to EXPLAIN the craving of a Krispy Kreme donut, you either live in a place void of these carb killers, or you are a compliant diabetic avoiding the risk of immediate coma and death should your mouth receive one of these bad boys! But since you’ve read this far only to be mildly amused…I’ll proceed with the ‘life lesson’.
When my body craves something, sometimes it’s out of sheer desire, and I wait (sometimes) for the Holy Spirit fruit of “self-control” to guide me safely away from my fleshly desire back to peace in God’s desire. AND sometimes when our body craves something, food or non-food, it’s because we are lacking something vital that is provided by that ‘filler’. The filler could meet the actual need, i.e. craving salt when our bodies are depleted from exercise…or it could act as a placebo.
Speaking as someone who has traveled over half of her journey FILLING up on the placebo of FOOD when I was actually lacking something non-edible…emotional eating or emotional starvation is NOT the best place to be.
I’m not a psychologist, but I’ve traveled the journey myself and speak from experience when I say: God is the only one who can “FILL THE VOID”. God is the only one who can IDENTIFY the true void and fill it. God, as our creator, made us to be complete IN HIM! Each of us have that “God shaped hole” within, that needs to be filled. For me, this morning, this means I don’t NEED a Krispy Kreme donut to fill myself with goodness…while the Holy Spirit may not SEEM as appealing…I know the effects the Holy Spirit have on me are far more lasting then the fleeting taste of the Krispy Kreme donut.
I know you’re sitting there thinking, “what for?”
I am craving (and woke up at 5:00 a.m. craving) a Krispy Kreme donut filled with either the Bavarian creamy stuff OR preferably that stuff that’s like wedding cake icing….Thank GOD I live a few miles away from that den of temptation or I’d be ‘stuffing’ myself without a thought to the icing or filling sprinkling my mouth as I torpedo the little delight in!
That may not seem like such “biggee” to those of you who live outside Oklahoma…but here, in the south (said with a drawl and the word ‘south’ has 2 syllables)…we ladies, carry ourselves with dignity and would never risk smearing our lipstick, God forbid having someone from Kickboxing class see us indulging in the carbohydrate death knoll of a Krispy Kreme donut, much less one FILLED with refined sugar. These episodes are strictly for the weak willed or those who can sneak it home and get in the closet before the feeling passes or the scent draws predators!
I settled for my usual breakfast of a South Beach Diet meal replacement bar…though it is the peanut butter and chocolate kind and quite yummy AND I have my peppermint coffee to top it all off…so I’m NOT hurtin’.
As far as KICKBOXING goes…I’ve seen people really succeed in it. The key to success, in my observation, has always been, they were YOUNG people; under 30 in fact! While I’m not Methuselah, I am not quite as limber and agile as I was when I WAS 30…I TRIED the Tae Boe tapes (in the privacy of my own home) and let me tell you…aside from looking like a complete goof while kicking, air-punching, etc, I dang near fell over BEFORE that darling and BUFF, Billy Blanks informed the viewers we might want to use a chair for balance! Good GRIEF…you don’t think that information would have been helpful BEFORE I fell down, do ya’? (side note: eject tape…put in next garage sale). Bear in mind, I NEVER took ballet as a child…standing on one leg for anything other then hopscotch, was strictly for the flamingos!
So…what is all this rambling about Krispy Kreme donuts and exercise venues have to do with anything…
First of all, if I have to EXPLAIN the craving of a Krispy Kreme donut, you either live in a place void of these carb killers, or you are a compliant diabetic avoiding the risk of immediate coma and death should your mouth receive one of these bad boys! But since you’ve read this far only to be mildly amused…I’ll proceed with the ‘life lesson’.
When my body craves something, sometimes it’s out of sheer desire, and I wait (sometimes) for the Holy Spirit fruit of “self-control” to guide me safely away from my fleshly desire back to peace in God’s desire. AND sometimes when our body craves something, food or non-food, it’s because we are lacking something vital that is provided by that ‘filler’. The filler could meet the actual need, i.e. craving salt when our bodies are depleted from exercise…or it could act as a placebo.
Speaking as someone who has traveled over half of her journey FILLING up on the placebo of FOOD when I was actually lacking something non-edible…emotional eating or emotional starvation is NOT the best place to be.
I’m not a psychologist, but I’ve traveled the journey myself and speak from experience when I say: God is the only one who can “FILL THE VOID”. God is the only one who can IDENTIFY the true void and fill it. God, as our creator, made us to be complete IN HIM! Each of us have that “God shaped hole” within, that needs to be filled. For me, this morning, this means I don’t NEED a Krispy Kreme donut to fill myself with goodness…while the Holy Spirit may not SEEM as appealing…I know the effects the Holy Spirit have on me are far more lasting then the fleeting taste of the Krispy Kreme donut.
Introspective Rambling 03-09-06
The first thing I thought about yesterday as I sat down to write was: the song from FAME,
“Out here on my own”.
Here are the lyrics I’m hearing:
We’re always proving who we are
Always reaching for that rising star
To guide me far, and shine me home
Out here on my own
When I’m down and feelin’ blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Help me through, help me need you
Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears,
I dry the tears I’ve never shown
Out here on my own...
I can remember, with clarity, when Irene Cara emoted this song. She didn’t just SING the song, she FELT it. Acting, yes, but very effective acting for the teenager I was when I saw it the first time.
If you made it past the “title” you can see that I’m in one of my dark, moody, most creative moods. It’s such a strange thing really: when I feel most down and most moody, I am MOST creative. I can hear and see with clarity what it is I NEED to see and hear to create. Thus: BEAUTY from PAIN! I don’t want to sound too melodramatic about this, I’m not “depressed” in the clinical sense, I’m just really introspective this week and through this ‘pain’ of self-reflection comes the ‘beauty’ of more self-awareness and a freedom to express myself in truth…
Comic aside ~ I can almost picture myself: I should probably be wearing some beret and carrying a big dilapidated canvas bag and sitting in a smoky coffee house listening to poetry via an open mic venue.
…Seriously, this introspection tends to come more frequently as I age and continue to see the path I’ve chosen is so far from the path I thought I’d be on right now.
I read this and re-read this as I self-edit and backspace and erase and rewrite and I see the skewed thinking. Let’s see if I can march out of this darkness back into light.
I’m thinking from my fleshly desires, and God has called me to something higher…focus outside ME and onto HIM as reflected in OTHERS. The problem in this HIGH STANDARD is my own selfishness. I am in no way in a “spiritual crisis” and trust me when I say I would recognize it because I’ve been down that pathway of “paddy cake with Satan” a time or two. I think it’s like I wrote the other day… sometimes God calls us to silence; to close our ears and our MOUTHS to NOISE and RAMBLING… STOP, DROP, KNEEL and wait to hear.
I’ll be honest I DO NOT KNOW how those MONKS do it! You know, those Tibetan monks that don’t speak for some unreasonably long time. I read about others who take a vow of silence for LIFE. I had a dear friend who, because of some “religious” belief, would go into “seclusion” under direct order of an elder or mentor. This translates to mean, no chatting on the phone or talking of any kind. This was some sort of ‘soul purge’ as I understood it. She would also eat minimally and only certain foods during this time. I thought it was the strangest thing. I guess it gets down to heart motivation again.
If God called me to silence, as He did Zechariah before John was born, He would have to be the one that sealed my mouth…because I have NO IDEA how I’d “handle it” much less be obedient to this request. I would be improving my sign language skills that’s for certain! Thank GOD, so far, this hasn’t been an issue.
I look now at the words of the song above and how the writer claims to be out on her own, yet she is always looking for SOMEONE or SOMETHING, in the form of LIGHT to bring forth who she has become. She even states; as the sun appears, it makes light of all her fears. I have to believe this is GOD TALK. I know (and I hope YOU KNOW) the only TRUE light is in the form of truth of God and I truly find who/what I was created to be in this light alone.
As I travel this journey, sometimes in the midst of clouds or fog I have to continue to seek and walk towards the light. I have to choose light. I have to choose a life of light! I also know that if I somehow get lost or lulled into the darkness, as SOON as I call on the name of Jesus, He will be there to lead me out.
The journey continues…
“Out here on my own”.
Here are the lyrics I’m hearing:
We’re always proving who we are
Always reaching for that rising star
To guide me far, and shine me home
Out here on my own
When I’m down and feelin’ blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Help me through, help me need you
Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears,
I dry the tears I’ve never shown
Out here on my own...
I can remember, with clarity, when Irene Cara emoted this song. She didn’t just SING the song, she FELT it. Acting, yes, but very effective acting for the teenager I was when I saw it the first time.
If you made it past the “title” you can see that I’m in one of my dark, moody, most creative moods. It’s such a strange thing really: when I feel most down and most moody, I am MOST creative. I can hear and see with clarity what it is I NEED to see and hear to create. Thus: BEAUTY from PAIN! I don’t want to sound too melodramatic about this, I’m not “depressed” in the clinical sense, I’m just really introspective this week and through this ‘pain’ of self-reflection comes the ‘beauty’ of more self-awareness and a freedom to express myself in truth…
Comic aside ~ I can almost picture myself: I should probably be wearing some beret and carrying a big dilapidated canvas bag and sitting in a smoky coffee house listening to poetry via an open mic venue.
…Seriously, this introspection tends to come more frequently as I age and continue to see the path I’ve chosen is so far from the path I thought I’d be on right now.
I read this and re-read this as I self-edit and backspace and erase and rewrite and I see the skewed thinking. Let’s see if I can march out of this darkness back into light.
I’m thinking from my fleshly desires, and God has called me to something higher…focus outside ME and onto HIM as reflected in OTHERS. The problem in this HIGH STANDARD is my own selfishness. I am in no way in a “spiritual crisis” and trust me when I say I would recognize it because I’ve been down that pathway of “paddy cake with Satan” a time or two. I think it’s like I wrote the other day… sometimes God calls us to silence; to close our ears and our MOUTHS to NOISE and RAMBLING… STOP, DROP, KNEEL and wait to hear.
I’ll be honest I DO NOT KNOW how those MONKS do it! You know, those Tibetan monks that don’t speak for some unreasonably long time. I read about others who take a vow of silence for LIFE. I had a dear friend who, because of some “religious” belief, would go into “seclusion” under direct order of an elder or mentor. This translates to mean, no chatting on the phone or talking of any kind. This was some sort of ‘soul purge’ as I understood it. She would also eat minimally and only certain foods during this time. I thought it was the strangest thing. I guess it gets down to heart motivation again.
If God called me to silence, as He did Zechariah before John was born, He would have to be the one that sealed my mouth…because I have NO IDEA how I’d “handle it” much less be obedient to this request. I would be improving my sign language skills that’s for certain! Thank GOD, so far, this hasn’t been an issue.
I look now at the words of the song above and how the writer claims to be out on her own, yet she is always looking for SOMEONE or SOMETHING, in the form of LIGHT to bring forth who she has become. She even states; as the sun appears, it makes light of all her fears. I have to believe this is GOD TALK. I know (and I hope YOU KNOW) the only TRUE light is in the form of truth of God and I truly find who/what I was created to be in this light alone.
As I travel this journey, sometimes in the midst of clouds or fog I have to continue to seek and walk towards the light. I have to choose light. I have to choose a life of light! I also know that if I somehow get lost or lulled into the darkness, as SOON as I call on the name of Jesus, He will be there to lead me out.
The journey continues…
Thursday, March 09, 2006
In All Honesty
This is a conversation shared with a co-worker (Grandma) and her granddaughter after ‘catching’ the granddaughter doing something “naughty” with another child.
Grandma: “Whose idea was it to do this?”
Granddaughter: “I don’t know…”
Grandma: “I’m going to ask you both one more time: Whose idea was it to do this?”
Granddaughter: (bursting into tears) “It was my brain, grandma. My brain comes up with these things and I do them. I can’t help it, I’m sorry!”
This is probably very much like some of my conversations with God. I can laugh at this story as I hear my friend tell it, but I can also see so much of myself in this granddaughter’s confession.
Sometimes I feel like such a fraud. Many days I thank GOD that only HE can see the “real Kim”. The not so pretty, not so encouraging, not so sweet woman ~ who comes to His throne (loaded down) daily to seek His forgiveness. The woman who comes to Him pleading with Him that it was “her brain” that made her do or say the things she did.
Sometimes I wonder if my ‘transformation in Christ’ was all a farce. Sometimes I have thoughts and feelings that are as far from who I want to be as the east is from the west. Sometimes I feel this rage boiling in me just looking for a place to pour out the overspill. Even worse, sometimes I do things and the pride wells up in me and it overcomes my flesh in a real, physical way. Most of the time I keep it tucked away in the bag I carry.
Sometimes I’m looking for any scapegoat to take the brunt of my own bad choices. Sometimes I put on the plastic smile to cover the snarling beast within. Sometimes that same smile covers the incredible pain I feel and helps cover the tears that are flowing in my heart. Sometimes I feel so out of control, so “EMOTIONAL”, that I can hardly face the day. Most of the time I keep this, too, tucked away in the bag I carry.
Sometimes I can’t even bring myself to speak about all of this because I just “KNOW” that no one could possibly relate and they would “judge me” for these thoughts and feelings, all inside this bag I carry.
I would no longer be the strong, invincible person I believe I appear to be. I would have to be honest….I would have to say: “I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. I don’t know why good things happen for BAD people. I don’t know and I’m pissed at God because I can’t understand this kind of ‘justice’.”
There I said it…I get pissed at God. I get pissed because He says He understands, but it FEELS like He could NEVER understand. He says His load is light…but I see NO place to lay my load down. He says put it at the foot of the cross…but it’s crowded over there and this stuff…my stuff…I’ve had it for so long I don’t know if I CAN lay it down and if I do it could be the source of ridicule and judgment if someone peaked inside. He doesn’t MAKE me lay it down…He invites me to GIVE it all to Him. Still I hesitate…I may NEED this bag I carry.
He says: “I love you so much and this love is the only bridge you need to me.”
He doesn’t say what I expect Him to say about my returning to this very place again. He has seen me here so often and yet His smile is the same and His love is the same and His touch is the same as it was all the other times I came to this place.
I expect Him to say: “What are YOU doing back again, and with that same OLD bag?”
Instead He says: “Come my child, come!” and His arms are open wide and I move slowly towards Him (testing these words) until I can fall into “Daddy’s” arms once again.
I don’t know why I can’t lay it all down. I don’t really understand why I would prefer to carry this bag around with me. I do unload some of it and it does get smaller and it does get lighter and some things don’t seem so necessary to carry…so I put them down as I age. Sometimes, others ask me to carry things for them…I used to say “of course I’ll carry it, I am strong, I am BIG and INVINCIBLE!”
Now I know…I cannot carry anything for anyone. I can’t even carry my own things. I pray that one day I can leave the whole thing at His cross and I can walk away with a lighter step. I can move forward and not run back or even turn back to see the “junk” I’ve left behind.
He has taken my “junk” (the stuff I’ve left) and He has dealt with it. He has redeemed me once again from my own undoing. I pray I won’t have to come back to this very place. Yet something tells me, in time, I’ll be back and He’ll be the same as He is everyday. He’ll be the same as He was today.
Grandma: “Whose idea was it to do this?”
Granddaughter: “I don’t know…”
Grandma: “I’m going to ask you both one more time: Whose idea was it to do this?”
Granddaughter: (bursting into tears) “It was my brain, grandma. My brain comes up with these things and I do them. I can’t help it, I’m sorry!”
This is probably very much like some of my conversations with God. I can laugh at this story as I hear my friend tell it, but I can also see so much of myself in this granddaughter’s confession.
Sometimes I feel like such a fraud. Many days I thank GOD that only HE can see the “real Kim”. The not so pretty, not so encouraging, not so sweet woman ~ who comes to His throne (loaded down) daily to seek His forgiveness. The woman who comes to Him pleading with Him that it was “her brain” that made her do or say the things she did.
Sometimes I wonder if my ‘transformation in Christ’ was all a farce. Sometimes I have thoughts and feelings that are as far from who I want to be as the east is from the west. Sometimes I feel this rage boiling in me just looking for a place to pour out the overspill. Even worse, sometimes I do things and the pride wells up in me and it overcomes my flesh in a real, physical way. Most of the time I keep it tucked away in the bag I carry.
Sometimes I’m looking for any scapegoat to take the brunt of my own bad choices. Sometimes I put on the plastic smile to cover the snarling beast within. Sometimes that same smile covers the incredible pain I feel and helps cover the tears that are flowing in my heart. Sometimes I feel so out of control, so “EMOTIONAL”, that I can hardly face the day. Most of the time I keep this, too, tucked away in the bag I carry.
Sometimes I can’t even bring myself to speak about all of this because I just “KNOW” that no one could possibly relate and they would “judge me” for these thoughts and feelings, all inside this bag I carry.
I would no longer be the strong, invincible person I believe I appear to be. I would have to be honest….I would have to say: “I don’t know why bad things happen to good people. I don’t know why good things happen for BAD people. I don’t know and I’m pissed at God because I can’t understand this kind of ‘justice’.”
There I said it…I get pissed at God. I get pissed because He says He understands, but it FEELS like He could NEVER understand. He says His load is light…but I see NO place to lay my load down. He says put it at the foot of the cross…but it’s crowded over there and this stuff…my stuff…I’ve had it for so long I don’t know if I CAN lay it down and if I do it could be the source of ridicule and judgment if someone peaked inside. He doesn’t MAKE me lay it down…He invites me to GIVE it all to Him. Still I hesitate…I may NEED this bag I carry.
He says: “I love you so much and this love is the only bridge you need to me.”
He doesn’t say what I expect Him to say about my returning to this very place again. He has seen me here so often and yet His smile is the same and His love is the same and His touch is the same as it was all the other times I came to this place.
I expect Him to say: “What are YOU doing back again, and with that same OLD bag?”
Instead He says: “Come my child, come!” and His arms are open wide and I move slowly towards Him (testing these words) until I can fall into “Daddy’s” arms once again.
I don’t know why I can’t lay it all down. I don’t really understand why I would prefer to carry this bag around with me. I do unload some of it and it does get smaller and it does get lighter and some things don’t seem so necessary to carry…so I put them down as I age. Sometimes, others ask me to carry things for them…I used to say “of course I’ll carry it, I am strong, I am BIG and INVINCIBLE!”
Now I know…I cannot carry anything for anyone. I can’t even carry my own things. I pray that one day I can leave the whole thing at His cross and I can walk away with a lighter step. I can move forward and not run back or even turn back to see the “junk” I’ve left behind.
He has taken my “junk” (the stuff I’ve left) and He has dealt with it. He has redeemed me once again from my own undoing. I pray I won’t have to come back to this very place. Yet something tells me, in time, I’ll be back and He’ll be the same as He is everyday. He’ll be the same as He was today.
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