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Can You Hear Me Now?

Monday, December 25, 2006

Grace Mist

How I wish I could say it was a beautiful wonderful holiday. How I wish I could pull stories and tales of the wonder of my niece and nephew as they opened their gifts or my sister seeing outside the pain of her own holiday torment. I wish I could say it was restful and relaxing and full of photo-ready moments.

All I can say is: I’m glad it’s over. Between one over-tired child, one self-focused teenager, one emotionally detached sister and father, one over-worked husband, completely under-recognized Jesus and then my grandmother having a stroke (or so they thought)…I’m just glad it’s over.

My sister rushed home by 10 a.m. to spend Christmas afternoon with her estranged husband…my parents rushed away by noon to drive five hours away to be by Grandma’s side…my husband had to work yet another holiday shift at his short-term job, and I’m sitting in front of a computer feeling such let-down.

I don’t think I can do it again. That must be why Christmas only comes once a year. I already told Paul I would prefer to go on a vacation next Christmas and just do it alone…just the two of us somewhere away…no presents, no muss, no fuss, just rest, sight-seeing and wrapped in love and joy.

Remember how we learn the life lesson not to have EXPECTATIONS or we’ll always be let down? That’s my problem. I have HUGE expectations about the beauty of this favorite holiday of mine. Unfortunately others don’t feel the way I do. Honestly, not much gives me more joy than to find that one perfect little something for each person I love. I love to see each person receive it with such surprise and joy.

That just isn’t what happened…

It has been a rough few days. I was talking to my wonderful husband and the best way I could describe it was akin to a balloon deflating. I’m sitting here calling on Jesus to let me feel that mist of Grace that overlays and erases the dust and debris of humanness. I’m hopeful for a new year and all the upcoming changes. I’m hopeful that with rest and renewal a new day will dawn and once again I’ll feel the joy of this season.


Sally said...

Big Hug Kim- may God surround and protect you, may his peace descend upon you and bring you relief.

Family can be hard, expectations knocked- but Gpd's love for you remains constant and unchanging!

Grafted Branch said...

Such was the life of Christ. One of service, without the worship due Him. Even now, at our very best and most spiritual, we don't appreciate Him as He deserves.

It sounds like He was stripping away the dross today...

Never pleasant, though always wonderful.

Dawn said...

I'm sorry that you had such a rough day. The expectation factor is huge. I do notice the "wanting more" syndrome big time with the little kids. I'm not sure what to do about that - The littlest one is the most appreciative and takes time to really look at and play with each thing before she rushes to the next one. It is sweet.

The getting away on a trip sounds good! I think we'll do that next year for our 35th on the 28th.

Morning Glory said...

Hugs, Kim, and my sincerest wishes for your search for peace and renewal. I'm sorry this Christmas wasn't all you had hoped it would be. Blessings to you as you begin this next week.

absonjourney said...

I too would rather vacation at Christmas. Sometimes family is... well let's leave that blank as I am feeling rather unpastorly at the moment. Suffice to say after today I'm ready to be in OKC. See you soon!

Cool Mama said...

Hey there....I think there were probably many of us, that were disappointed at Christmas. I too struggled with letting myself 'sink' with a few of the relational glitches that happened around our house too. I think the hardest thing for me, was thinking about all the so-called great families at Christmas, that have all these warm fuzzy times, and amazing healthy family traditions. As I did, I sunk even deeper into feeling like a loser as a mom...and a failure with my kids. THEN..I decided my kids were only human...and hey..atleast they wanted to be home for Christmas...and yes, they squabbled and the oldest one made me feel like a schmuck...but it didn't last - infact the kids got over it faster than I did! It's so hard NOT to feeling disappointed, when you have big expectations of the season - of what a 'family holiday' should look like. Anyways...I know it doesn't help...but I 'feel your pain'!! And yeah...maybe taking off one year, would make everyone appreciate Christmas with you alittle more! Need someone to carry your luggage??

Tami Boesiger said...

Escape sounds good and I want to do it myself all the time, but I have to wonder what God is trying to teach you in all this. I haven't a clue, but you might. I read this morning from Streams in the Desert. It said "Never run from suffering, but bear it silently, patiently, and submissively, with the assurance that it is God's way of instilling iron into your spiritual life."

Be assured God is at work, Kim. He is making you iron. Hang in there!