Forgetful Forgiveness

God spoke to me this morning and unlike the occasionally whispering, he was very clear about what he had to tell me.

You see, prior to going to church, I pretty much told God I just wasn't sure about this whole church thing... I know, I know, same story over and over with me.

As we began worshipping, I asked God to prepare my heart to receive the message and to hear Him.

God didn't waste any time before he let me know my unforgiveness is what is holding me back in church(es). I am holding on to unforgiveness going all the way back to my first experiences in church...and some of my recent experiences as well.

I asked God to reveal it to me in His time and help me move through it and while attending a church potluck today, I actually felt at peace and had some fun...for a change. These things usually make me feel so uncomfortable, but not today.

In God timing I realized as I visited with a friend today about our personal study: "Hiding From Love", that I also had unforgiveness in an answer to questions about my 'hiding'.

Thank you God for revealing my hidden heart and helping me release and forgive and forget!

Proverbs 27:5 "Better is open rebuke, then hidden love."

Silent Night...and Day...For Days!

I started attending the new Beth Moore study on Esther last night at our church. Beth Moore does exhaust me...in a good way...and inspires me...in an even better way. Last night in the intro she talked about her own testimony and the recent experience of NOT FEELING God's presence in her life.

I have so been there very recently. Everything she spoke about I could totally relate to. In perfect Beth Moore fashion, she talked about this experience and how horrible it was to not FEEL anything or HEAR anything and wondering...where is God?

I've been wondering the same thing. The voice that absolutely rings constantly in my ears has been silent for awhile. I keep asking and praying, but I don't always hear anything back, as a matter of fact, for several weeks I heard NOTHING. It's hard not to get discouraged during these periods of silence.

What Beth pointed out and what I'm absolutely hoping for, is at the end of this time of quiet comes revival and new renewal when those Spiritual ears are blown open by the sounds of His voice once again.

Now I'm waiting in silence...

Negative Nelly

There is a woman who sits in the cubicle in front of me and she is truly one of the most negative people I've ever met. She complains about work, health, daughter-in-law, co-workers, traffic, economy, politics, religion, food, pens, computers, her sister, her mother. You name it…she complains about it.

There are some days when I can just ignore it. Some days I find myself trying to pull her to the other side of her self-dug pit. Some days I find myself inching towards the negative myself. Some days I want to build a protective SOUND-PROOF wall around my cubicle so I don’t have to hear it anymore!!!

Today is that day. I've absolutely had it up to the droplet of hairspray from the top of my head. I think about what God is showing me in my quest for gentleness in 2009. How do I deal? Do I speak up? Do I pray aloud at my desk? Do I pray silently for myself? Do I give her a verbal warning (yes, she’s one of my staff people)? Do I plug into my MP3 and forget-about-it?
At this point, 8:04 in the a.m. I’m just not on board yet!

I want to give her a good head-womp and remind her she is alive, she has a beautiful grandson, a job (in a not so secure time), a new car, clothes to wear, food to eat, family that loves her, and boss at her wits end. Not to mention the fact that she is a Christian so she has a SAVIOR who died for her! I wonder how small God is to people who find themselves wallowing in their negativity.

…oh and God wasn't kidding when He said: “We have the power of life and death on our tongues.”

This woman is a killer.

The 8th Dwarf?

I went back to work today after a two-day hiatus while I was down with strep and a staph infection. It was 'good' to be back, but it also reminds me that this job, while a blessing financially is also a HUGE drain of my energy and creativity. I just feel so 'zapped' by the end of a day.

I don't doubt that God placed me here, but I am beginning to get the urgings for something else. I don't think it's the boredom thing this time...I honestly think it's almost time for something to change in my life...something regarding vocation. Too many days I really do feel like one of the dwarf's, only I'm not singing about my work.

I'm thinking 2009 is going to be a bit more about me and what I was created to do and if that's to supervise a billing & collections department for an insurance company...I'm there...but if it's not...then I'm getting ready!

Life is too short to work somewhere longer than God intended.

2008 Year in Review

Another year has come and gone and I've been thinking about what lessons I've learned and where I'm going in 2009.

I've learned...
I am still on a journey,
Health is extremely valuable and a bit more fragile than we realize,
Family is everything...but is also self-defined,
Our jobs are not necessarily our destiny...sometimes they are a catalyst to something else,
People continue to astound and amaze me...both good and bad,
Love doesn't make the world go round'...but it does make the ride better.


I don't do resolutions because they seem to fizzle and die before the first ice melts. I do have goals for 2009.

I hope to...
Serve; somehow, somewhere,
Bring a spirit of gentleness,
quit focusing on to-do's and focus more on to-be's,
Live the questions, instead of stagnating in the answers,
Trust Jeremiah 29:11,
...and journal the experience...

Exhaling

This campaign season has been the same as every major campaign before. I’m disappointed that we choose to focus on the negative campaigning rather than seeking the truth about any candidate. I’m disappointed that we haven’t shifted to a party-free, popular-vote system…but more than anything I’m disappointed in many “Christians”.

I've heard more disparaging remarks and negativity at my small group than in any other setting. I don’t know if it’s the openness welcomed in this setting, but it has been downright uncomfortable on many occasions and I have found myself near walking out several times.

For someone to tell me I am less of a ‘Christian’, or to question my love for God based on my politics, dug into me hard. But for once in my ‘going-on-45-years’…I did not say a word. I listened and steamed and took deep breaths and drank coffee and wanted so much to engage in the battle…but God said “NO”. I didn't say a word.

Well that’s not entirely true, there was one evening I did say…only half in jest… ‘if we don’t change the subject I’m going to have to leave.’ The group leader did a good job of redirecting conversation back to our study information.

Suffice to say, I’m glad it’s over…or nearly so and as I've been saying all along, it doesn't really matter who is in office…GOD IS ULTIMATELY IN CONTROL! I will continue to pray for our politicians and for our nation and believe we are greater united. I will not gloat, nor will I weep with these people at this week’s meeting. I will once again keep my mouth shut and pray for the peace we have allowed to be compromised during this election.

…and now I will slowly exhale…

Zoom Lens

I love in photography how close you can get to a shot. Some of these telephoto lenses can zoom up so close you aren’t even sure what you’re looking at.

I’m not so crazy about this feature on my own face, as it tends to show every single skin blemish or discoloration from years of sun abuse with application of sunscreen a year too late. It shows my freckles and wrinkles and ‘age’ spots. The zoom features shows it all and gets me stressing about my ‘imperfections’.

However, when you pull that zoom feature back and take a picture from 5-10 feet…it’s much more forgiving. The little tiny imperfections don’t seem nearly so daunting. I’ve come to realize the same is true in life.

Our pastor spoke last week about our tendency to ‘zoom in’ on all our problems and challenges. We zoom in so tight it appears the only thing we have is problems or challenges. Sometimes we need to zoom OUT and look at the bigger picture. We’ll begin to see just how BIG that problem or challenge is or isn’t.

We zoom out and see family and friends and others’ with even bigger problems and challenges. We see our city and state. We zoom out even more and begin to see this great big universe we live in and isn’t it amazing how much smaller our own problems seem and how absolutely and utterly amazing it is that God can hear our teeny tiny voice among the gazillions of others…and He cares enough to answer our prayers.

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to work on zooming out of my own problems and challenges and see them for what they are...

I am...

I got this from over at B Brats place and it looked 'insightful', so I thought for lack of anything better to write about, I'd use it as an excercise.

I AM … an 'old' soul.
I WANT … to help change the world...for good!
I HAVE … everything I could ever need.
I KEEP … secrets.
I WISH I COULD … fly.
I HATE … prejudice and the enemy's mind games.
I FEAR … spiders!
I HEAR … whatever I open myself to.
I DON’T THINK … I could ever be a politician.
I REGRET … nothing. Everyting I have done or experienced is the culmination of who I have become.
I LOVE … my husband, with my whole heart!
I AM NOT … weak.
I DANCE … during worship.
I SING … all the time! and I make up songs too.
I NEVER … pass up chocolate.
I REALLY … thank God for my health!
I CRY WHEN I WATCH … so many things...
I AM NOT ALWAYS … beautiful on the inside or the outside.
I HATE THAT … I cry so easily.
I AM CONFUSED ABOUT … my life's path right now.
I NEED … to study God's word more often.
I SHOULD … Thank my husband for all he does.
I NEED ... to remember.

Since we're on this insight journey I came across a wonderful quote from a magazine. I don't have the source, but here's the quote:

"Heroes are not people who save the world. Heroes are people who serve the world."

Think about that!

Swimming Upstream

My heart is feeling for the salmon this morning. Their battle upstream is often times accompanied by danger and injury and sometimes it’s even fatal. I feel like I am also swimming upstream; however mine is not an innate behavior, it is learned…it is a calling.

I’ve been facing many obstacles lately. Many of these obstacles are due to this ‘calling’. Now I would be the first to admit I’ve been the type of person that often takes the opposite stand (whether it’s my stand or not) on issues. Perhaps it’s a natural desire to debate. Perhaps it’s my flesh crying out for war. Whatever it is, I have grown somewhat accustomed to being on the ‘other’ side of many a popular voice.

My position at work requires that sometimes I get the ‘not-so-fun’ task of redirecting others, or reminding others of the task at hand. People don’t like to be redirected…heck I don’t like to be redirected or reminded.

My political beliefs don’t always line up perfectly with those around me. Sometimes they do…though more often they don’t. And that’s okay. I’ve found its okay to let others’ go on and on and I just quietly listen. I’ve also learned how ridiculous these people come across. I think sometimes the harder you verbally fight for something the less its worth fighting for. I’ve also seen the immaturity of these actions and relish the fact that I am past that point in my life.

My personal beliefs and ethics don’t always line up perfectly with those around me. And that’s okay too. Once again, unless God asks me to speak, I’m working to keep my own mouth quiet and use those two things on the side of my head to process incoming information from a higher authority.

I think what I’m trying to lean on is I did not make these choices alone. I believe the choices I have made, the passion I have is for a reason. I am also trying to remember that the salmon do not swim alone. They swim together and use that as another way of ‘encouraging’ one another upstream. I’ve felt myself pulled downstream in some areas of my life lately, but I’m back on track and pushing upstream once again.

Evolution of a Dummy?

First of all I know no one will read this because there are no 'dummies' here. I just got to thinking about all the Dummies books in existence and what it means to us as the consumer of these products.

After a bit of online research I found that the first Dummies book was published in 1991 and it was on DOS, one of the original operating systems...not a fun one from the user end. Since then there have been over 450 titles and they are millions of these books published in 5 languages.

I think they appeal because of their very basic language. It's a way of catching the 'dummy' in us; up to the amateur or even expert user of whatever lesson we're learning. My husband bought the "Dieting for Dummies", before embarking on his first 'official' diet. That is a life lesson I already had from a lifetime of dieting (maybe it's a gender thing). He also had the "Golf for Dummies". that I purchased for him when he graduated College.

I've personally read the "No-Brainer's Guide to Jesus" and the "No-Brainer's Guide to the Bible". They are both very information books with a bunch of GENERALIZED and fairly 'bipartisan' (if I can use that term) information. They are written by professionals and individuals who have researched these topics extensively. There are interesting facts and figures included in these books that would be helpful in any game of Trivia.

My whole thought process revolved around the evolution of these books. Before we became so diverse and technical and ever 'evolving' on the mother-earth, we existed and learned things from teachers and by trial/error. We have become people who dissect everything we can think of and UPGRADE as many things as we put our hands on. We also want the most generalized, concise information we can get.

Why do we do this? I wonder if it's a God-lesson. I wonder if it's the enemies interference and way of distracting us from our purpose. Sometimes I think we become so focused...even overly focused on UNDERSTANDING everything, that we lose site of the lesson, the experience of learning and the depth of a real education on the subject.

I'm not saying these books aren't helpful or hilarious to read, because they are and there are millions of published books that help defend that hypothesis. What I am saying is what price are we paying in our quest for worldly knowledge? Are we sacrificing our quest for Godly wisdom?

I think Satan has us running circles as we upgrade phones, computers, televisions, cars, etc... so much so, that we have closed our Bible and our mind to the everlasting lessons that are held between those gild pages. I hope my personal evolution doesn't end as a DUMMY!


**side note: We went up to see my sister, niece and nephew yesterday. It was a 'full' day. The hubs was busy all day doing stuff with the nephew. I spent the day with my sister and niece. My niece is doing okay. She is still in pain, both physically and emotionally, but she KNOWS God has her back. She knows God has this baby because it is HIS creation. Thanks to all those who have prayed and are praying for this broken family.

Growing Pains

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.” Hebrews 11:1

My precious niece had a miscarriage today. The pregnancy was not planned, but the baby was already loved in abundance by both my niece and the whole family. She had even been brave enough to ‘break it’ to my parents. They took it hard and cried many a tear over both my niece and that precious baby. She was about 9 weeks along.

I’m not sure what to think or say. I know I’m hurting for her and I can’t begin to image the pain she feels right now.

The well-known verse above is part of our church’s weekly reading. Not ironic, but God timed I’m certain. The first phrase really stuck in my head when I got the call about the baby.

Faith is the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for the evidence of things unseen.

Faith IS the SUBSTANCE (essence, reality) of things I hope for AND the evidence of things unseen. I can’t see where that baby is now. But I have an absolute assurance that he or she IS WITH GOD. My faith tells me so…every part of my ‘essence’ tells me so.

We all know growth comes with pain. I know my niece is in pain right now…and I know she’s growing! Her faith will grow. She has a new, albeit extremely painful, life experience that God is walking her through. She will take this day, this experience with her and it will forever be a part of her ‘testimony’ a memory to hold and cherish of the baby God gave her…for only 9 weeks.

The Key to Asking

God spoke to me today so clearly in church. The pastor was speaking about focusing not on HOW, but on WHO! ONLY when we focus on WHO can we realize our potential. The HOW may seem like only a trap the enemy sets to keep us from God's purpose; but I have seen in my own life choosing to focus on the HOW rather than the WHO and drifting aimlessly and unhappily through life.

The next thing God told me very clearly was about our prayers and asking for God to reveal himself, and asking for God to bless us, and asking God to heal us, and asking God to teach us...

God simply whispered into my ear: RECEIVE.

The key to asking is RECEIVING that which He has given.

WOW!