Observations

It's Thursday.

I'm ready for Friday.

I am trying to get everything ready for my 6 week deadline before surgery.

I don't know if I'll get it all done.

I feel very out of control of things.

I still can't find any strong sense of where God is in this whole thing.

I never feel 'heard' by my father when my brother is in town.

I feel completely overshadowed when my sister is in town.

These feelings continue to feed in me a sense that independence is the safest place.

I'm tired of being safe.

I think sometimes people see me as unfriendly, when they haven't even scaled the walls.

Thank God for my husband.

He's helping me stay on track.

I'm hanging on...

Dying to Serve

I won't mince words when I say: I HATE War! I will never, ever understand the purpose of killing people over land, politics, etc. I didn't understand it in the Old Testament and I don't understand it today.

That said, a Pastor shared yesterday that many of these people are serving God through protecting our country and the freedoms our country was founded on: Life, Liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness.

I will try never to take for granted the soldiers that have protected these freedoms for me. I will continue to pray for solutions other than mass deaths, but I will continue to respect those brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers who are not here today because they have a call of service many of us will never have to experience.

God Bless these men and women today and EVERY day!

Call Waiting

My brother and Sister-in-Law are in town and we had dinner with them last night (just the 4 of us). That's HUGE considering my father really likes to spend time with my Brother when he's in town. They live on the East coast and rarely make it out to the heartland.

My brother and SIL are both Pastors. They aren't officially Pastoring a church currently, and they've had some of the same struggles and challenges I've faced in the church-search. They asked me some fairly straightforward questions about where I am with my 'calling'.

You see, it was a few short years ago when I really felt 'called' to serve God in a 'pastoral' role. Anyone who has followed me through the years knows I've struggled with conventional church and traditional church leadership. In the meantime, as I search and 'settle' for THE church, it becomes clearer and clearer that the places I 'land' are not doing me or anyone any good.

I can serve and try to get involved, but it is just empty. It's like hollow chocolate. It looks lovely but the flavor doesn't last and it's a bit waxy.

So the realization came to me as I considered the answers to their questions...

Is my 'calling' so hollow that it cannot translate to where God places me right this moment? Can I speak the convictions of my heart, to those God places before me? I don't know. The more time I spend in church, the less I like people. The more I question God... It's not that I doubt Him, it's that I don't 'get Him' and I don't think I'm supposed to at this point. I'm just supposed to trust Him and obey His leading.

For now I think it's got to be "Call" waiting.

Trouble in the Blogdom

It has been SO long since I've been here...I figured I owed myself a few words if for no other reason than to log my journey.

As you can see I've had template issues. For some reason I totally lost my header...the one I paid for...go figure. Maybe there was some expiration date on the format. At any rate, I'm back to the basics...the free ones...particularly given the fact that I'm only posting once per month for now.

I have lost ALL my links. I hope to go try to find them and get them added back on, so bear with me as I search and look for all my treasured blog addresses. What's a girl to do? I figure I'll go through all my past comments if I have to!

I recently got some 'not so good' news from my doctor. Apparently all these GYN issues I've had for years are now proving to be even more troublesome. I'm scheduled to have surgery July 9th and will be out of work 6-8 weeks. Yeah...not so excited about that news. I am hopeful this will resolve the questionable test results. I'm also hopeful I can lay still as long as I need to.

The hubs, wonderful as ever, is getting a wireless router so I can use his laptop from bed and I just may be doing a bunch more blogging and surfing the blogs. That will help pass the time.

I can't think of anything else to share at this point...busy spring and the weather is getting warmer daily here in the heartland.

I hope all is well in your world and if you stop by...comment and leave your link so I can reenter all those names/addresses!

Her Parents

I was in church on Sunday and we were singing and I was thinking about the words...and then a chorus of Hallelujahs began. There is something about the sound of a building full of Hallelujahs to God that amazes me. I spent a few minutes just closing my eyes and listening to the chorus and imagined God hearing us.

Then I looked to the front row of chairs and there is this couple. They are praising and worshipping without abandon. She's a tiny little thing, no more than 5 foot and maybe 90 pounds soaking wet. He's a bigger burly man, over 6 foot and 200 pounds or better. They keep to themselves. They have been a fixture on that front row for as long as I've been attending this church. They have always been very expressive in worship. They are HER Parents.

SHE is attending a college just north of here. She serves as a missionary and travels with her college to various places to help in whatever way she can. She loves people and she loves life! I've never met her personally, but have heard about her.

A few weeks ago, SHE was traveling home and was killed in an automobile crash. She was 19 or 20 years old. She was too young to die...or so it seemed.

Her parents 'spoke' through a letter to the church when it happened and they expressed their complete peace about her current place among angels, dancing with her Father God in fields of grace. They were torn apart by their own loss but so at ease with her new home. I have watched them since that week and while there are times they struggle to maintain during services that reach that 'loss spot', they always praise and worship with total abandon.

I wonder if somehow they are singing and dancing along with her. Her parents remind me (when I choose to remember) that there is ALWAYS time to praise and worship God.

There is a quote I love and I don't know the source, but I'm using an altered version of it here because it applies:

Life is God's gift to us,
How we use that life is our gift to God.

Let's use our life well!

Feeling Mortal

I wonder if Jesus felt completely mortal at the moment on the cross just before he realized this was the way it would have to be done. This was the only way to ensure the salvation of a world of sinners...This was the only way I would ever know the freedom of redemption.

I am trying to imagine what it would be like. I know there have been times when I felt unjustly accused or unjustly punished, and it was always extremely frustrating and followed by a slew of thoughts and words that I felt the injustice deserved.

Yet, Jesus--perfect Jesus, didn't even succumb to the temptations or the sins I do each day. He did his Father's work and followed his Father to an earthly endpoint that seemed completely unjustified. Thank God he did!

What is the good in this GOOD Friday? For those of us who are Christians...it is the complete and total surrender of Jesus to His Father's will...leading to a cross and earthly death...leading to a trip to hell (on my behalf)...leading ultimately to a seat to the right hand of his Father...leading to a hope and an eternal future for us...for me.

Happy GOOD Friday!

A Refreshing Shower

I was taking a shower the other day...Sunday actually...before church, and I was thinking about a conversation with a young lady at work, about Scripture. Actually, the same young lady I wrote about last. Obviously God has brought us into one another's lives for a reason. Anyway, I was thinking about it and just talking to God about it and He gave me a reminder.

'Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, Oh Lord." Psalm 19:14

I knew immediately what it meant. I wasn't too proud or too stupid to try to pretend it was anything other than what it is. My words and meditations have not been so pleasing lately. One of the things I see in this young lady is a strong faith and while she struggles in the flesh (as we all do), she knows God has her 'back'.

I'm determined to work on my words...particularly at work...though today appears to be another dismal failure (AKA: Work in progress).

One day at a time.

Well maybe I'll have to take it one minute at a time.

Make-Up

Cover the blemishes...hide the unsightly discoloration...even out the tone...plump up the lips...pump up the eyelashes...get the eyebrows waxed...firm the arms...lift anything that sags...

And the list goes on and on and on! It makes you wonder what we did before makeup and all these 'concealers' created just to make us BETTER!

One of the 19 y.o. young ladies I work with came up today and said she would be 'happy with herself' if she could just thin out her face. I informed her immediately she was exactly as God had intended her to be at this time in her life. I didn't discourage her from being the best she could be, but reminded her that our perceived idea of perfection is the ideal the world sets, not God.

I remember when I was much younger and my mother insisting I wear makeup to go shopping with her. I remember trying some of the fads that came and went to 'improve my looks'. Even today, in my forties, I have a hard time leaving the house without makeup. I too, have bought into the commercialism of beauty.

It's not just in the makeup...it's also the smile we plaster on our face no matter how we feel. It's covering up our flaws (even in front of our closest friends) for fear we would be judged unworthy by others.

With all that I've been going through spiritually and mentally (and physically) lately, I'm having a hard time justifying the continued attempts to be something other than who I was created to be.

This also gets me wondering about those judged as wearing TOO much makeup or having TOO many enhancements. It appears Satan has us exactly where he wants us. We will never be perfect, but we will always strive for it...perhaps sometimes more than we strive for our Christ-likeness.

Sad, isn't it...

Greater Love

One of the best things about winter...for me...one of the ONLY good things about winter is my desire to hunker down and read. I get 3/4 of my reading done each winter.

After literally YEARS of postponing reading of a Christian "classic" (at least according to all the other readers and NON-readers I've met), I finally read Francine Rivers, "Redeeming Love".

Understand that literally everyone I've ever met whose read this book went on and on about how it changed their life. It didn't have the over-emotional reaction I expected (based on these references), but it was a really good read and it did teach me and remind me of a few things. Perhaps because in some ways I have much in common with 'Angel', this story taught me that our experiences and our life before Christ should not define our life. If anything it should show how great grace and mercy and forgiveness really are. It also reminded me that no matter how often or how far I get form God, He will always...ALWAYS be there for me.

I've shared here and with others that one thing I've always struggled with is how great God's love is. I just can't always wrap my mind around it and it sometimes trips me up, as it did 'Angel'. Even when I can hear the voice of God or feel the touch of an angel, I struggle to understand HOW He could love me that much.

I have a husband much like Angel's husband. He loves me more than anyone I've ever met. He loves me completely, totally and honestly. He is compassionate and caring. He is gentle and firm. He is giving and giving and giving. He is forgiving and peace-filled. And I don't understand how he can love me that much either. He loves me as he was called to...as Christ loved the church.

I've grown to realize he does this out of his love for God. He's always loved me, even before he was 'saved', but it's clear how much more, now that he walks with God. What an incredible feeling...this love. On top of that, this weekend as our pastor spoke, I was reminded of how we were created out of LOVE from our creator.

Perhaps it's a Valentine's Day gift from God, whatever it is...I'm thankful of His love and His desire for my very best!

I pray this greater & redeeming love surrounds you this week.

Prisoner of War

I never could imagine what it felt like to be a survivor of a war...much less a prisoner of war. I couldn't imagine trying to survive on hope alone. I couldn't imagine the torment and pain and suffering inflicted by the enemy. I couldn't imagine what it would do to my mind. I remember reading stories of POW's and thinking what a horrible thing to endure, how do they do it?

God revealed to me last night that we are all prisoners of a Spiritual War. I would NEVER belittle or demean what prisoners of earthly wars have endured, but I do believe there is a spiritual battle on earth and within our minds and physical bodies much more often then we realize.

My mind has really been under siege these past few days, weeks, months. I tried to write it off as a hormonal issue, but I truly think it's a spiritual battle. Until my dear friend Tam emailed me and pointed out that I needed some time around seriously Spiritual Christians I didn't even realize how much war had been waged.

I have been dealing with tremendous rage internally, self-doubt, almost to the point of self-hate. I have been frustrated and ill-at-ease. I have been much more moody. My language has gotten increasingly worse. My 'pretty side' is all but gone. I've been just looking for targets to release some of this. I thought it was just me.

It's not.

Sure part of it is lack of self-control but that fruit has been draped with heavy cloth by the enemy's work and my 'giving-in' to his evil ways. The choices I have been making are not good...they are not good at all. I feel trapped inside a vessel of destruction.

I screamed and ranted at God yesterday. I heard nothing. I went to small group last night ready to battle anyone who dared. A discussion ensued about how to deal with what we consider hypocritical Christians. Those people who call themselves Christians yet seem more evil then those without Christ. The group was fairly unified in their feelings that these people should be held to a higher standard.

I did point out that these people who appear to be hypocritical may just be following what they see in churches and by other 'Christians'. I admitted some of the people I have met (even at our current church, some even in leadership), are as earthly as anyone...and this is my example?

So you see, war has been waged upon kpjara...and many others.

I'm really trying to dust off my armor, but it looks so very heavy and frankly I just don't feel all that strong.

...to be continued

The Last Time...

The hubs and I rented a couple of films this weekend. One was pretty good about a female pastor who is sent to a small town church in an effort to get rid of her. It's called "Welcome to Paradise". It was pretty good for a low-budget film.

The second film was "Griffin & Phoenix" and we picked it up because I like the actors in it, but it was a bit morbid and depressing. It was about dying. Both the lead characters met, fell in love and both realized they were dying of cancer. Yes...a bit dark for a romantic comedy (which is how it was marketed).

Anyway, the one redeeming quality was a scene where the female lead (Amanda Peet) is in the hospital preparing to die and she starts recanting 'the last time...' As in the last Christmas she would ever have...was last year...the last kiss she would have...even the last time she brushed her teeth at home.

It made me stop and think about each thing I do in a day and how I too often take for granted it won't be my 'last time'. I realized I need to inhale each day fully and really live in that moment and enjoy it as if it were...'the last time.'

Dings & Dents

I was driving to work behind one of about a gazillion SUV's this morning and noticed a pretty good sized dent on the back panel. The 1st thing I do when I see these dents is slow down, for fear they are just reckless drivers. This morning I backed off a bit more because we have just enough ice on the road to be hazardous.

The second thing I do is ponder how it happened, based on location and severity of the dent and on the driving techniques observed. It is my belief the vehicle in front of me backed into something fairly tall, because they were traveling far too fast to be hit from behind. I'm just hoping it wasn't anything living.

Of course, as my mind works, I then got to thinking about my immediate 'judgment' of these drivers and their vehicles. I thought about when I shop for a 'used' vehicle...I'm searching for NO dings an dents. You know how you can get the listing of all reported accidents, floods, hurricanes, etc, the vehicle has been involved in...I definitely want all the details I can get, because these vehicles may not last as long and may not be a great purchase. I thought about how that translates in life.

I believe we ALL have dings and dents...some of us from as early as childbirth or before. Others of us may not receive our first ding or dent for years, but eventually we ALL get them. Some of us get them repaired (or attempt to). Some of us cover them up with long clothing, layers of skin, makeup, even by developing talents and skills that impair 'vision'. I would consider buying a 'dinged' or 'dented' vehicle that looked or performed really well, one that had an incredible stereo system, or GPS system.

I know none of us wants to admit we may be a bit shallow (or is it truly just me...nah!), but sometimes we make incorrect assumptions about someone based on their dings and dents. I think about in my own life as I struggled with my weight as a younger adult and into adulthood, people were downright vicious in their assumptions about me being lazy or undisciplined or even stupid. Honestly, the comments I heard only fueled the fire of my own judgment against others as I excused my behavior as self-defense.

There are labels for nearly everyone that is DIFFERENT from us. They are based on race, gender, religion, age, hair color, size, eye-color, social status, marital status, clothing, wealth, disabilities, even where someone lives or goes to school may lead to judgment. Now I want to reflect back to God and how He only used PERFECT people for all of His assignments.

If you are shaking your head vehemently now...you get the picture. Isaiah had his tongue singed (that had to feel good), Samson had his hair (and strength) cut, Jacob walked with a limp after God 'dinged' him. I too, have had scars both visible and invisible as she struggled with God and man. Basically everyone God has used had imperfections, both visible and invisible.

You may want to know why...well let's face facts...we're all dinged and dented! Some are from the world and some are direct from our maker, as He shapes and molds us into works of art for His Kingdom! I reflect back about my own story and how it's a part of who I am. It's a part of my own testimony of God's redeeming grace, mercy and love.

I pray today we would begin to embrace all the dings and dents we see in life and while I'm not going to seek them out...if they find me, I will survive and perhaps thrive!