I never could imagine what it felt like to be a survivor of a war...much less a prisoner of war. I couldn't imagine trying to survive on hope alone. I couldn't imagine the torment and pain and suffering inflicted by the enemy. I couldn't imagine what it would do to my mind. I remember reading stories of POW's and thinking what a horrible thing to endure, how do they do it?
God revealed to me last night that we are all prisoners of a Spiritual War. I would NEVER belittle or demean what prisoners of earthly wars have endured, but I do believe there is a spiritual battle on earth and within our minds and physical bodies much more often then we realize.
My mind has really been under siege these past few days, weeks, months. I tried to write it off as a hormonal issue, but I truly think it's a spiritual battle. Until my dear friend Tam emailed me and pointed out that I needed some time around seriously Spiritual Christians I didn't even realize how much war had been waged.
I have been dealing with tremendous rage internally, self-doubt, almost to the point of self-hate. I have been frustrated and ill-at-ease. I have been much more moody. My language has gotten increasingly worse. My 'pretty side' is all but gone. I've been just looking for targets to release some of this. I thought it was just me.
Sure part of it is lack of self-control but that fruit has been draped with heavy cloth by the enemy's work and my 'giving-in' to his evil ways. The choices I have been making are not good...they are not good at all. I feel trapped inside a vessel of destruction.
I screamed and ranted at God yesterday. I heard nothing. I went to small group last night ready to battle anyone who dared. A discussion ensued about how to deal with what we consider hypocritical Christians. Those people who call themselves Christians yet seem more evil then those without Christ. The group was fairly unified in their feelings that these people should be held to a higher standard.
I did point out that these people who appear to be hypocritical may just be following what they see in churches and by other 'Christians'. I admitted some of the people I have met (even at our current church, some even in leadership), are as earthly as anyone...and this is my example?
So you see, war has been waged upon kpjara...and many others.
I'm really trying to dust off my armor, but it looks so very heavy and frankly I just don't feel all that strong.
...to be continued