There’s no question I’m not in my “DREAM JOB”. Part of my current position requires me to speak to people about past due charges and try to create some resolution for them and my company. Our desires are obviously opposed. I desire payment, hopefully in full and today. They desire to leave without having to pay today (most of them). Occasionally I am called to the front on the "harder cases", to actually meet face to face with these people, I simply put on the face of business and deal with them in a business sense.
“You owe money, please pay it, or tell me when you’re going to pay it.”
Something has been churning in me for months now. Something I recognize as the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of God is not happy with my ‘collection attitude’. I found myself disbelieving every ‘sob-story’ people put before me. I no longer reacted to tears people produced when discussing this sensitive matter. I become almost agitated when they begin to share their financial difficulties. This is so contradictory to what God has placed in me.
Ironically, I too, struggled with debt and debt payments for years. I dealt with extremely aggressive collection people. I hid from them; changed numbers, moved, defaulted on debt, did everything I could but work out a payment plan with these people. It effected much of my early adulthood in a negative way. This all relates back to the WHY in God’s placement of me in this position, at this point in my life. I know this is in part, His dealing with my “pride”. He has been breaking pride off of me, day by day, since I came back to Oklahoma. Let’s be honest, moving to Oklahoma is, in and of itself, somewhat humbling (particularly for the fair gender).
Today, I interacted with a woman about her account. She wanted me to change information to ensure payment from a third party. I refused to do it and told her it would be fraudulent. She began crying and seemed so hopeless about how she would pay this bill. I gave her additional information, advised she speak to the physician directly and the doctor could notify me of his decision. I quickly departed back to my own safe office. My heart was ripping open at the stress I was “causing” this woman. I realized I have become so incredible insensitive to people and their struggles that I find myself lacking compassion and standing in judgment in response to the non-payment.
I’m not prepared to say that people shouldn’t pay their debts. What I am prepared to say is that while collecting these debts, a little compassion and grace goes a long, long way. Talk about “Jesus for Dummies”, in this course of Compassion and Grace 101. What dawns on me, even now, is that if I truly believe God has put a call on me to Pastor, aka SERVE, this is the ideal position for me to learn these life lessons. I've personally experienced leaders in ministry that react in the same "agitated" way with their "flock" and people in general. When I picture Jesus as the Shepherd, carrying the lamb on His shoulder and always seeking the lost sheep, I KNOW, His call is something greater than agitation.
I am the first to admit this is not how God “wired me”. This position is NOT my destiny…yet, for ‘such a time as this’, I am here…waiting, growing, learning, hopefully in wisdom, after all; ‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it’ (George Santayana). Santayana also had these words that apply more and more in my own “journey”:
“Our character...is an omen of our destiny, and the more integrity we have and keep, the simpler and nobler that destiny is likely to be.”
George Santayana, "The German Mind: A Philosophical Diagnosis"
http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/George_Santayana/
Friday, February 10, 2006
Eyes Wide Open
Yesterday as I sat at my computer, updating core data for a program, I had an experience, a life lesson, about the Glory of God I spoke about a few days ago.
In my office I have two very large plate glass windows, probably 8’ tall and 6’ wide each. While it’s nice to have the natural light and be able to see any traffic snares on the highway outside, I don’t glance out a lot because I tend to lose myself in dreams and visions. So, I’m sitting concentrating on characters and entry and quick finger strokes and out of the corner of my eye I see through these giant windows in my office…birds. I don’t actually turn to look, because I have to focus on these numbers or I will miss-key. So I type on….
Then I see this white flash out of the corner of my eyes and these birds are all flying within 10 feet of my window. There are probably 150 of them. It’s this incredible image of synchronized flight. So I sit here thinking how these birds truly define a “Body”. You can always tell the ‘independent’ birds as they don’t stay in line and tend to appear distracted in their efforts.
I remember reading about how geese fly in that "V" formation and they take turns leading. If the leader gets tired, he/she will slow, circle behind and get into the formation and allow another goose to lead. Then if one becomes injured, or can no longer fly, he/she will drop out of the formation and two other geese will drop out with him/her and stay with him/her to make sure he/she is okay. They will all join another formation once they are well enough to fly. The original formation continues on and either picks up additional geese as they fly or not. It's such an incredible picture of God's PERFECT creation.
Even now, as I write this I see these birds flying in a formation. They are circling. Half of the birds are flying clockwise as they spiral down to the ground and half of the birds are flying counterclockwise. It’s amazing to see because one would think they would collide into each other. This is the Glory of God I am seeing this morning. My hope is that as this glory appears only in my peripheral vision that I would turn and SEE with my EYES WIDE OPEN - the full Glory of God.
In my office I have two very large plate glass windows, probably 8’ tall and 6’ wide each. While it’s nice to have the natural light and be able to see any traffic snares on the highway outside, I don’t glance out a lot because I tend to lose myself in dreams and visions. So, I’m sitting concentrating on characters and entry and quick finger strokes and out of the corner of my eye I see through these giant windows in my office…birds. I don’t actually turn to look, because I have to focus on these numbers or I will miss-key. So I type on….
Then I see this white flash out of the corner of my eyes and these birds are all flying within 10 feet of my window. There are probably 150 of them. It’s this incredible image of synchronized flight. So I sit here thinking how these birds truly define a “Body”. You can always tell the ‘independent’ birds as they don’t stay in line and tend to appear distracted in their efforts.
I remember reading about how geese fly in that "V" formation and they take turns leading. If the leader gets tired, he/she will slow, circle behind and get into the formation and allow another goose to lead. Then if one becomes injured, or can no longer fly, he/she will drop out of the formation and two other geese will drop out with him/her and stay with him/her to make sure he/she is okay. They will all join another formation once they are well enough to fly. The original formation continues on and either picks up additional geese as they fly or not. It's such an incredible picture of God's PERFECT creation.
Even now, as I write this I see these birds flying in a formation. They are circling. Half of the birds are flying clockwise as they spiral down to the ground and half of the birds are flying counterclockwise. It’s amazing to see because one would think they would collide into each other. This is the Glory of God I am seeing this morning. My hope is that as this glory appears only in my peripheral vision that I would turn and SEE with my EYES WIDE OPEN - the full Glory of God.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
You Believe WHAT????
In my environment, my immediate surroundings, I sometimes make assumptions about people and their beliefs. I assume the people I live around or shop with or work with are ALL Christians, except of course, the doctors I work FOR (lol)! I live in a fairly civilized, moral-following community. The fact of the matter is, following morals and being civilized, or defined as civilized, does not equal salvation.
I take for granted that someone who treats me and others with respect and apparently scored high on the kindergarten report card entry: “plays nice with others”, is a Christian. I have fallen prey to Satan’s attempt to quiet me, and my reach for the lost. Often I don’t even ask people I KNOW if they are “saved” or not. I either assume they are a Christian or I write it off as not wanting to “butt in” or make someone uncomfortable with questions about their salvation. I just pacify myself thinking “My role is really more about discipling Christians”…or… “they’ll hear about it on Sunday or from someone else”. But by staying “safe” I’m also risking their lost souls.
What I’ve found recently is that there are SO MANY people in MY OWN immediate surroundings (work, homes, grocery store, etc.) that honestly believe, that as long as they live a good life and treat others well, they will get into heaven.
At first I couldn’t believe it. People surely don’t actually believe that, do they? While it would help ease our minds about serial killers not entering heaven, it isn’t grounded in truth…and that is a scary place to be. Most of these people have even HEARD about Jesus. But they have never experienced that process of confession, repentance, forgiveness and redemption to salvation through Him.
GOD DO SOMETHING! What can I do? What have I done? For starters I prayed and asked God for His guidance about how to approach these people He brings into my direct line. I pray for words. I pray for Scripture. I pray for strength. Slowly, I’ve started to share my own “story”. I share about encounters with God since becoming a Christian, just in casual conversation. I ask if I can pray for them about anything. I don’t ask straight out “If you were to die tonight where do you think you’d end up?”. Speaking as someone who has, and still does, ABHOR that ‘fire insurance’ theology, I can tell you for me, the more effective means is get to know me before you try to “heal my hurt”.
I DO look for opportunities to share, for doors that are opened through hurt and anger and pain. I know these things. We all know these things. The difference between hurt, anger, and pain without Christ, is they are all so defeating. With Christ, we have overcome! We will still walk through desert places, but we will never again walk alone!
One of the doctors I work with actually saw me reading my Bible during break one day and asked about the chapter I was reading. He asked about Peter, whom he had heard about. He was either patronizing me and knew all about Peter, or he truly didn’t know and God allowed me to share what I did know in a safe, non-threatening way. The irony of it is this is the same physician that often speaks to me as though I am a complete idiot without an original thought in your head, even about issues I was hired specifically to do.
It never gets “easy” for me to confront someone about salvation. Maybe it’s a character flaw or some fear issue I’ve yet to deal with. What I CAN do is just converse with someone and in the natural flow of things show and speak my heart, which is ALL about my relationship with God through Christ, and where He is leading me.
I love to hear how others do this? First of all, DO YOU share your faith? Then, how do you share your faith? And more specifically, how do you share your faith with non-believers?
Just one more thing to ponder….please chime in....
I take for granted that someone who treats me and others with respect and apparently scored high on the kindergarten report card entry: “plays nice with others”, is a Christian. I have fallen prey to Satan’s attempt to quiet me, and my reach for the lost. Often I don’t even ask people I KNOW if they are “saved” or not. I either assume they are a Christian or I write it off as not wanting to “butt in” or make someone uncomfortable with questions about their salvation. I just pacify myself thinking “My role is really more about discipling Christians”…or… “they’ll hear about it on Sunday or from someone else”. But by staying “safe” I’m also risking their lost souls.
What I’ve found recently is that there are SO MANY people in MY OWN immediate surroundings (work, homes, grocery store, etc.) that honestly believe, that as long as they live a good life and treat others well, they will get into heaven.
At first I couldn’t believe it. People surely don’t actually believe that, do they? While it would help ease our minds about serial killers not entering heaven, it isn’t grounded in truth…and that is a scary place to be. Most of these people have even HEARD about Jesus. But they have never experienced that process of confession, repentance, forgiveness and redemption to salvation through Him.
GOD DO SOMETHING! What can I do? What have I done? For starters I prayed and asked God for His guidance about how to approach these people He brings into my direct line. I pray for words. I pray for Scripture. I pray for strength. Slowly, I’ve started to share my own “story”. I share about encounters with God since becoming a Christian, just in casual conversation. I ask if I can pray for them about anything. I don’t ask straight out “If you were to die tonight where do you think you’d end up?”. Speaking as someone who has, and still does, ABHOR that ‘fire insurance’ theology, I can tell you for me, the more effective means is get to know me before you try to “heal my hurt”.
I DO look for opportunities to share, for doors that are opened through hurt and anger and pain. I know these things. We all know these things. The difference between hurt, anger, and pain without Christ, is they are all so defeating. With Christ, we have overcome! We will still walk through desert places, but we will never again walk alone!
One of the doctors I work with actually saw me reading my Bible during break one day and asked about the chapter I was reading. He asked about Peter, whom he had heard about. He was either patronizing me and knew all about Peter, or he truly didn’t know and God allowed me to share what I did know in a safe, non-threatening way. The irony of it is this is the same physician that often speaks to me as though I am a complete idiot without an original thought in your head, even about issues I was hired specifically to do.
It never gets “easy” for me to confront someone about salvation. Maybe it’s a character flaw or some fear issue I’ve yet to deal with. What I CAN do is just converse with someone and in the natural flow of things show and speak my heart, which is ALL about my relationship with God through Christ, and where He is leading me.
I love to hear how others do this? First of all, DO YOU share your faith? Then, how do you share your faith? And more specifically, how do you share your faith with non-believers?
Just one more thing to ponder….please chime in....
Black and White and Gray
I hate that as a woman my voice doesn’t always count.
I love that as a woman I am cherished.
I hate being the oldest in a group.
I love that I have wisdom from experience.
I hate that I can’t have what I want, when I want it.
I love that I have what I need, when I need it.
I hate that life on earth ends so soon.
I love that life in heaven is eternal.
I hate that someone else may have the same dreams I do.
I love that I don’t walk alone.
I hate that children go to bed hungry.
I love that they are alive another day.
I hate that I work in a dead end job.
I love that I have a job.
I hate ignorance.
I love seeking.
I hate that everything appears black and white.
I love that there is gray when the black and white collide.
I love that as a woman I am cherished.
I hate being the oldest in a group.
I love that I have wisdom from experience.
I hate that I can’t have what I want, when I want it.
I love that I have what I need, when I need it.
I hate that life on earth ends so soon.
I love that life in heaven is eternal.
I hate that someone else may have the same dreams I do.
I love that I don’t walk alone.
I hate that children go to bed hungry.
I love that they are alive another day.
I hate that I work in a dead end job.
I love that I have a job.
I hate ignorance.
I love seeking.
I hate that everything appears black and white.
I love that there is gray when the black and white collide.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Was I Born Too Early?
Every once in awhile, I begin to ponder how God created me and WHY He would place something in me that I was unable to use because of prejudice or misrepresenting of Scripture. Where am I going with this? I don't know, but I believe at this moment in time, my hands are ordained to write this. I'm believing that God will direct the flow of this passage and that my flesh will not scream out in frustration.
Okay, so first things first. I've been a "Christian" since age 13, though in all honesty, I didn't really understand, seek, or attempt to obey, until in my 30's. I had brief periods of obedience and attempting to seek God, but more out of an attempt to PROVE His existence (or lack thereof) and His love (or lack thereof) for me. I won't go down that road of destruction and deceit right now.
Unfortunately, current theologians and "Christians" in my community (Southwest America), have not truly embraced the idea of a WOMAN with not only a desire to serve God fully, but a WOMAN that was created to lead and "Pastor" people. Sure, I can attend a University or even a Seminary and learn from all kinds of MEN about God and the Bible and the applications of both. There may even be a woman or two teaching a course or at least "subbing" occasionally. Type in the words "women pastor" in a yahoo search bar and watch all the negating and arguments against this 'calling'.
I've heard the argument OVER and OVER and OVER again until I am almost ready to fling my Holy Bible (KJV) directly at their head. Women and Men alike have reminded me that according to Scripture; God made MEN to lead, to be pastors and to be ministers, NOT women. Well, according to Scripture, women aren't even supposed to speak in church, nor are they to have their heads uncovered during prayer and prophesy. I have inquired about the passage that says: "You are no longer men, nor women...." in Galatians and have read and been told that this instruction was not regarding leadership in church, rather the way we are seen "in Christ".
What happen's then to the desire and the assuredness within my heart, that I am to not only SERVE, but lead in a church. Do I simply find a place that will ALLOW me this opportunity? Do I force the issue? D0 I strike out and just do it on my own, believing God will bless anything He ordains? Do I conform to the beliefs before me?
What I've seen happen, is the more I try to suppress what God has placed in me, the more I feel the desire die.
I had the opportunity to speak to my sister-in-law (via email) about this, as she is an ordained minister through the Baptist Convention. She shared with me her own frustrations personally experienced on her road to destiny. She did pastor a church in Philadephia and while she faced some obstacles, she felt certain that was her call. She recommended I read about Lottie Moon, a true pioneer for all people, about SERVING and fulfilling God's destiny.
I have also asked people (pastors) I have encountered: "What about Paula White? or Joyce Meyer? or Beth Moore? or countless others? You can already imagine their responses....I won't go there. I also ask and ponder why SOME of the Bible has evolved to 'fit' our world and our behavior, BUT only what is 'acceptable' in our culture and in our mind. My mind immediately travels to two different time periods with two different "Luthers". I see the challenge of what was acceptable and the ultimate persecution of these two leaders.
For me, the bottom line remains: do I trust God to grow and bless a seed placed within me, or do I doubt and stumble and give in and quit before He even has a chance to do His work? In listening to "The Nature of God" on CD many mornings, I hear the speaker say: "God will not ask you to do the possible! He will ask you to do the absolute IMpossible. He will ask you to do something you could NEVER do without Him."
I have a choice. I can choose to continue on my journey and serve Him and wait for His leading to my destiny, or I can give up and give in and allow Satan this victory over my heart, my calling, my destiny. Today I will serve, and pray, and wait.
Okay, so first things first. I've been a "Christian" since age 13, though in all honesty, I didn't really understand, seek, or attempt to obey, until in my 30's. I had brief periods of obedience and attempting to seek God, but more out of an attempt to PROVE His existence (or lack thereof) and His love (or lack thereof) for me. I won't go down that road of destruction and deceit right now.
Unfortunately, current theologians and "Christians" in my community (Southwest America), have not truly embraced the idea of a WOMAN with not only a desire to serve God fully, but a WOMAN that was created to lead and "Pastor" people. Sure, I can attend a University or even a Seminary and learn from all kinds of MEN about God and the Bible and the applications of both. There may even be a woman or two teaching a course or at least "subbing" occasionally. Type in the words "women pastor" in a yahoo search bar and watch all the negating and arguments against this 'calling'.
I've heard the argument OVER and OVER and OVER again until I am almost ready to fling my Holy Bible (KJV) directly at their head. Women and Men alike have reminded me that according to Scripture; God made MEN to lead, to be pastors and to be ministers, NOT women. Well, according to Scripture, women aren't even supposed to speak in church, nor are they to have their heads uncovered during prayer and prophesy. I have inquired about the passage that says: "You are no longer men, nor women...." in Galatians and have read and been told that this instruction was not regarding leadership in church, rather the way we are seen "in Christ".
What happen's then to the desire and the assuredness within my heart, that I am to not only SERVE, but lead in a church. Do I simply find a place that will ALLOW me this opportunity? Do I force the issue? D0 I strike out and just do it on my own, believing God will bless anything He ordains? Do I conform to the beliefs before me?
What I've seen happen, is the more I try to suppress what God has placed in me, the more I feel the desire die.
I had the opportunity to speak to my sister-in-law (via email) about this, as she is an ordained minister through the Baptist Convention. She shared with me her own frustrations personally experienced on her road to destiny. She did pastor a church in Philadephia and while she faced some obstacles, she felt certain that was her call. She recommended I read about Lottie Moon, a true pioneer for all people, about SERVING and fulfilling God's destiny.
I have also asked people (pastors) I have encountered: "What about Paula White? or Joyce Meyer? or Beth Moore? or countless others? You can already imagine their responses....I won't go there. I also ask and ponder why SOME of the Bible has evolved to 'fit' our world and our behavior, BUT only what is 'acceptable' in our culture and in our mind. My mind immediately travels to two different time periods with two different "Luthers". I see the challenge of what was acceptable and the ultimate persecution of these two leaders.
For me, the bottom line remains: do I trust God to grow and bless a seed placed within me, or do I doubt and stumble and give in and quit before He even has a chance to do His work? In listening to "The Nature of God" on CD many mornings, I hear the speaker say: "God will not ask you to do the possible! He will ask you to do the absolute IMpossible. He will ask you to do something you could NEVER do without Him."
I have a choice. I can choose to continue on my journey and serve Him and wait for His leading to my destiny, or I can give up and give in and allow Satan this victory over my heart, my calling, my destiny. Today I will serve, and pray, and wait.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Show Me Your Glory
My husband gave me a daily calender this year from the book "Who Moved My Cheese". It's a very good book about change and motivation and purpose. Friday's entry asked the question: "Are you overanalyzing things?" I got to thinking that perhaps I do spend a bit too much time overanalyzing and not enough time seeing the GLORY of God. I try to write it off as "understanding fully" whatever it is I'm analyzing (including people), but really I'm trying to focus on the analyzing more than just enjoying the beauty of it. Some of this comes form a "school" background where we are taught to question things, and some of it is just how I'm "wired".
As I've mentioned in previous posts this quality is also very driven by temperament. There are some people "wired" in such a way that the analyzing part is a non-issue. They don't need to understand, nor do they want it explained to them...if it ain't broke, don't fix it... but the so-called 'pioneers' of our society, the 'inventors' and 'creators' are constantly analyzing every little thing.
If I spend all my time trying to figure it all out...God, His plan for me, why people do what they do, etc, etc, etc, don't I forgo some of the glory and splendor of it all? Isn't part of the GLORY, the fact that we don't now, nor will we ever FULLY understand? "His ways are not my ways".
If I could understand and recreate the beauty of a sunrise in New Mexico or Colorado, for example, wouldn't it take away from some of that beauty. The day we could proclaim that we can "clone" an animal, didn't part of the wonder and mystery of life cease to exist. I believe in all our efforts to "evolve" and MIMIC what God has already perfectly created, we not only lose the glory of it, but we also lose a part of our heart.
I'm striving to see God's Glory today and I hope that in this mission, I gain a deeper sense of the incredible love with which all things were created.
I'm in the middle of a book "Under the Overpass" by Mike Yankoski and while I'm not prepared to fully review it, I will say that it has pushed open the box in which I so often hold God and His glory and power. I will quote a passage from his time in Portland. Mike and Sam had encountered "Christians" or people speaking about Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit and all our "catch phrases" of Christianity, that had literally turned a blind eye to the homeless and hungry in the city.
Then they met a man, who while being a "junky" addicted to drugs and living on the streets and hustling for money, still had a relationship with Jesus and was willing to speak about that to everyone he encountered who was open to hearing. Mike says
"What's worse? To not do dope or to not love your brother? Why do we kick drug users out of the church while quietly ignoring those who aren't dealing with other, equally destructive sins? Why do we reject the loving, self-sacrificing, giving, encouraging, Jesus-pursuing drug addict but recruit the clean, self-interested, gossiping, loveless churchgoer?
Which one do you suppose Jesus would rather share a burrito with under a bridge?"
This is the question of the day? and I'll close with the lyrics to a great song about "God's Glory!"
From Third Day "Show Me Your Glory"
I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I'll never be the same
Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can't go on without You, Lord
When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won't rest 'til I see You again
Show me Your glory
Show me Your glory
I can't live without You
Seek and find the Glory of God and truly experience that today.
As I've mentioned in previous posts this quality is also very driven by temperament. There are some people "wired" in such a way that the analyzing part is a non-issue. They don't need to understand, nor do they want it explained to them...if it ain't broke, don't fix it... but the so-called 'pioneers' of our society, the 'inventors' and 'creators' are constantly analyzing every little thing.
If I spend all my time trying to figure it all out...God, His plan for me, why people do what they do, etc, etc, etc, don't I forgo some of the glory and splendor of it all? Isn't part of the GLORY, the fact that we don't now, nor will we ever FULLY understand? "His ways are not my ways".
If I could understand and recreate the beauty of a sunrise in New Mexico or Colorado, for example, wouldn't it take away from some of that beauty. The day we could proclaim that we can "clone" an animal, didn't part of the wonder and mystery of life cease to exist. I believe in all our efforts to "evolve" and MIMIC what God has already perfectly created, we not only lose the glory of it, but we also lose a part of our heart.
I'm striving to see God's Glory today and I hope that in this mission, I gain a deeper sense of the incredible love with which all things were created.
I'm in the middle of a book "Under the Overpass" by Mike Yankoski and while I'm not prepared to fully review it, I will say that it has pushed open the box in which I so often hold God and His glory and power. I will quote a passage from his time in Portland. Mike and Sam had encountered "Christians" or people speaking about Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit and all our "catch phrases" of Christianity, that had literally turned a blind eye to the homeless and hungry in the city.
Then they met a man, who while being a "junky" addicted to drugs and living on the streets and hustling for money, still had a relationship with Jesus and was willing to speak about that to everyone he encountered who was open to hearing. Mike says
"What's worse? To not do dope or to not love your brother? Why do we kick drug users out of the church while quietly ignoring those who aren't dealing with other, equally destructive sins? Why do we reject the loving, self-sacrificing, giving, encouraging, Jesus-pursuing drug addict but recruit the clean, self-interested, gossiping, loveless churchgoer?
Which one do you suppose Jesus would rather share a burrito with under a bridge?"
This is the question of the day? and I'll close with the lyrics to a great song about "God's Glory!"
From Third Day "Show Me Your Glory"
I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I'll never be the same
Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can't go on without You, Lord
When I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won't rest 'til I see You again
Show me Your glory
Show me Your glory
I can't live without You
Seek and find the Glory of God and truly experience that today.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Innocence Lost
Lately I've been really lamenting the emptiness that comes with infertility. My husband and I have been married 8 years this September, yet becoming parents has been an enigma. We get all the same advice and instruction people seem compelled to disperse in jest and it's reached a point of utter frustration and even failure to my heart. I hadn't even realized how much of my heart was overtaken by this grief, until attending a women's study at my church, where parenting and childbirth are subjects occassionally discussed. It's very difficult not to get overtaken by grief and loss and a sense of "unfairness" at an unfulfilled desire of my heart. I try to rely on God's ultimate purpose for my husband and me. Sometimes I can and sometimes....I don't. Sometimes it's easy to be around "families" with children and sometimes I can't. This weekend the heart strings were tugged in so many ways through children, yet on some level I was able to confront the demons and gain some victory over the emotion of it all AND learn something in the process.
In all the "names" and roles of God...this past weekend...for me, He was the "Teacher". This weekend I had family in from out of town and out of state. My niece and nephew were in town and my brother and sister and their spouses were all here. My niece stayed at our house because of the "overcrowding" at my parent's house.
My niece is 15 and very much a child of her culture. She either has a cell phone or I-Pod attached to her head at all times, or she is soaking herself with incoming information while "surfing" the net.
My nephew is 9 and the most avid sports NUT I've ever had the pleasure of speaking with. I don't know how or when it happened, I just know he is now so passionate about Basketball and Football he can tell you pretty much any stat on any pro or college team in the US.
My pastor's daughter is 4, and is one of the most outgoing, friendly, sweet-spirited child on the planet. I had the pleasure of visiting with her during the Superbowl party at my church last night.
God was able to use each of these children, His children....to teach me and show me something different in each case. With the pastor's daughter I saw and felt the freedom that comes in innocence. I have only visited with her a couple of times, yet she came up to where I was and sat down right next to me and leaned her head on me. The visual image is so stirring because this is such a SANGUINE child, with blonde, curly hair and a smile that goes on for days. You can look all the way into her heart and see pureness and an outpouring of love offered up to anyone who is willing to accept it. She chose me! I was in heaven. It rivaled the feeling of being chosen first in team sports in school. Hold that thought...
My nephew has always had a passion for learning and growing and excelling in all he does. What's happened at 9, in my vision, is a singular focus. His passion for sports has now overtaken his free-time, and even spilled over into his school work. While in church on Sunday, my nephew didn't sing the songs, and didn't even really pay attention to the message. That may seem normal, at 9, but as I have observed his childhood, this is "odd" for him. He was at 3,4,5,6,7 and even 8, an incredible worshipper. He was someone who not only listened to the message but could replay it for others. He could draw conclusions from it about his life. He would make prophetic statements about his world. At 9 he no longer does that. He is growing up. Hold that thought...
My niece, the 15 year old, spent so much of her time this weekend "plugged in" that I virtually had to force her to do homework or to come help at a workday at church. She has a servants heart, but she is also 15 and I can remember the shift to inward focus around 12 or 13, when the teenage angst sets in. So, she is right there on the brink of adulthood pondering her existence (in the way only a 15 year old girl can) and journaling this experience through poems and music. She is growing up.
Now...I remember the message Jesus gave us about coming to Him as a child and I've always taken that fairly literally. I felt it was important to hold onto the spirit of a child, open to everyone and everything, relying on our earthly and spiritual FATHER, to discern for us good and evil until we were older. To be as a 4 year old, that can come and sit by the strangest, stranger and share not only conversation, but whatever else they may have on their possession. what I learned, from the "TEACHER" is that unless I am willing to come to Him in this openness and innocence, I will miss His message.
I heard Jesus tell me to see the 4, 9, and 15 year old and to view and learn from this maturing in order to prevent the loss of spirit. The world will tell us to put blinders on our spiritual eyes, in the name of maturing. Jesus tells us to see with the spiritual eyes of a child. The world will tell us to "grow up", and will even go so far as to define what "grown up" should look like. Jesus is the only one that can mature us in a way that doesn't defeat or destroy us and still maintain the innocence placed in us when we first came to Him.
This weekend, the TEACHER taught me how innocence is lost.
In all the "names" and roles of God...this past weekend...for me, He was the "Teacher". This weekend I had family in from out of town and out of state. My niece and nephew were in town and my brother and sister and their spouses were all here. My niece stayed at our house because of the "overcrowding" at my parent's house.
My niece is 15 and very much a child of her culture. She either has a cell phone or I-Pod attached to her head at all times, or she is soaking herself with incoming information while "surfing" the net.
My nephew is 9 and the most avid sports NUT I've ever had the pleasure of speaking with. I don't know how or when it happened, I just know he is now so passionate about Basketball and Football he can tell you pretty much any stat on any pro or college team in the US.
My pastor's daughter is 4, and is one of the most outgoing, friendly, sweet-spirited child on the planet. I had the pleasure of visiting with her during the Superbowl party at my church last night.
God was able to use each of these children, His children....to teach me and show me something different in each case. With the pastor's daughter I saw and felt the freedom that comes in innocence. I have only visited with her a couple of times, yet she came up to where I was and sat down right next to me and leaned her head on me. The visual image is so stirring because this is such a SANGUINE child, with blonde, curly hair and a smile that goes on for days. You can look all the way into her heart and see pureness and an outpouring of love offered up to anyone who is willing to accept it. She chose me! I was in heaven. It rivaled the feeling of being chosen first in team sports in school. Hold that thought...
My nephew has always had a passion for learning and growing and excelling in all he does. What's happened at 9, in my vision, is a singular focus. His passion for sports has now overtaken his free-time, and even spilled over into his school work. While in church on Sunday, my nephew didn't sing the songs, and didn't even really pay attention to the message. That may seem normal, at 9, but as I have observed his childhood, this is "odd" for him. He was at 3,4,5,6,7 and even 8, an incredible worshipper. He was someone who not only listened to the message but could replay it for others. He could draw conclusions from it about his life. He would make prophetic statements about his world. At 9 he no longer does that. He is growing up. Hold that thought...
My niece, the 15 year old, spent so much of her time this weekend "plugged in" that I virtually had to force her to do homework or to come help at a workday at church. She has a servants heart, but she is also 15 and I can remember the shift to inward focus around 12 or 13, when the teenage angst sets in. So, she is right there on the brink of adulthood pondering her existence (in the way only a 15 year old girl can) and journaling this experience through poems and music. She is growing up.
Now...I remember the message Jesus gave us about coming to Him as a child and I've always taken that fairly literally. I felt it was important to hold onto the spirit of a child, open to everyone and everything, relying on our earthly and spiritual FATHER, to discern for us good and evil until we were older. To be as a 4 year old, that can come and sit by the strangest, stranger and share not only conversation, but whatever else they may have on their possession. what I learned, from the "TEACHER" is that unless I am willing to come to Him in this openness and innocence, I will miss His message.
I heard Jesus tell me to see the 4, 9, and 15 year old and to view and learn from this maturing in order to prevent the loss of spirit. The world will tell us to put blinders on our spiritual eyes, in the name of maturing. Jesus tells us to see with the spiritual eyes of a child. The world will tell us to "grow up", and will even go so far as to define what "grown up" should look like. Jesus is the only one that can mature us in a way that doesn't defeat or destroy us and still maintain the innocence placed in us when we first came to Him.
This weekend, the TEACHER taught me how innocence is lost.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Skeptic or Cynic, that is the question
So in a previous "post" I stated that I was a cynic about 'causes'...which in part is true. I WAS a cynic about many causes before Jesus pierced my heart. I am STILL cynical about causes rooted in ignorance or prejudice instead of passion and righteousness. Yes, I still believe passion and righteousness are a personal experience, meaning, what I am passionate about may be loathesome to you.
With that in mind, I was in Books-A-Million last night and while my niece hunted her newest "read", I did my routine of a quick trot through CLEARANCE (a bargain hunter at heart) and then into the category of "Christian Living" which always seems a bit dichotomous to me in title. Who and HOW are these categories named and books selected for these sections....another post....another day....Anyway, I picked up a few books to peruse and found one of their comfy easy chairs and started reviewing a number of books that had caught my eye. One that pulled my attention had something in the title about "Have you lost faith in the church, but not in Jesus?" I heard my heart weakly mumble: "Kim, just look at it." Who am I to question the mumbling of my heart? So, I picked it up.
The opening pages discussed the difference between a cynic and a skeptic. The author summarized this, as we should most "labels", with the question; what is the motivation of my heart? Is it to destroy and breakdown, as a cynic does; or is it in seeking to understand as a skeptic. Will I adopt this idea to my personal beliefs or simply learn from something I don't ecessarily embrace but do need to learn...in order not to walk in ignorance? Either way, "knowledge is power."
I have found that many prejudices (as I hinted at above) are rooted in ignorance or lack of knowledge. I didn't have to take a very deep look at the things and PEOPLE I "judged" to find that my judgment was based more in not knowing their "story" then in the self-named truth (i.e. label) I had assigned to their behavior. As with most of my story, it is a daily struggle internally not to jump on the judgment bandwagon. I may not be the one that judges poverty and illiteracy and other HUGE causes, rather I find myself judging churches, denominations, and self-proclaimed "CHRISTIANS" that walk in LIES. Careful, Kim, I feel some heartstrings being plucked.
I desire to see this change in myself so that I can be a conduit to truth, instead of judgment. I desire to see this change in others, that God has brought to the door of my story, so that their lives can and will be changed.
With that in mind, I was in Books-A-Million last night and while my niece hunted her newest "read", I did my routine of a quick trot through CLEARANCE (a bargain hunter at heart) and then into the category of "Christian Living" which always seems a bit dichotomous to me in title. Who and HOW are these categories named and books selected for these sections....another post....another day....Anyway, I picked up a few books to peruse and found one of their comfy easy chairs and started reviewing a number of books that had caught my eye. One that pulled my attention had something in the title about "Have you lost faith in the church, but not in Jesus?" I heard my heart weakly mumble: "Kim, just look at it." Who am I to question the mumbling of my heart? So, I picked it up.
The opening pages discussed the difference between a cynic and a skeptic. The author summarized this, as we should most "labels", with the question; what is the motivation of my heart? Is it to destroy and breakdown, as a cynic does; or is it in seeking to understand as a skeptic. Will I adopt this idea to my personal beliefs or simply learn from something I don't ecessarily embrace but do need to learn...in order not to walk in ignorance? Either way, "knowledge is power."
I have found that many prejudices (as I hinted at above) are rooted in ignorance or lack of knowledge. I didn't have to take a very deep look at the things and PEOPLE I "judged" to find that my judgment was based more in not knowing their "story" then in the self-named truth (i.e. label) I had assigned to their behavior. As with most of my story, it is a daily struggle internally not to jump on the judgment bandwagon. I may not be the one that judges poverty and illiteracy and other HUGE causes, rather I find myself judging churches, denominations, and self-proclaimed "CHRISTIANS" that walk in LIES. Careful, Kim, I feel some heartstrings being plucked.
I desire to see this change in myself so that I can be a conduit to truth, instead of judgment. I desire to see this change in others, that God has brought to the door of my story, so that their lives can and will be changed.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
A Heart To Serve
This morning my husband, niece, and I are going to our church (wwwjourneyfellowshipokc.com) to a "work-day" to do some much needed asthetic work to the interior of the building. As I prepare my mind and heart for this much needed "work" I find myself struggling not to become overwhelmed by it all.
I am a HUGE believer in temperament and how we can more readily understand many of our actions (good and bad) by how God "wired us up". I ALSO believe God can and will transform our temperament as we strive to be more "Christ-like". With that said, I am 'choleric-melancholy'. More than anything else I am DRIVEN! I don't know if that conjures up negative or positive connotations for you, for me it's usually good unless I'm 'driving out of control'.
I try very hard not to use it as an excuse when I bulldoze over people or lack discipline about my words in my choleric-driven rants. Sometimes I am successful and other times I am not. I struggle to reign in my mouth when there is lack of leadership or lack of a plan. I am a natural "leader", no excuses, just truth, and with leadership, often comes pride. God has done so much work on me since returning to Oklahoma in this specific area, but it creeps in during times and it's a real physical struggle to do the work and not "rise to lead" out of pride. The other thing that is happening, even as I sit and draft this entry, is my mind begins to run in overdrive the 'things' I need to DO today. I need to get groceries...I need to do some Bible Study work....I need to call some friends....I need to visit my family....I need to clean the house and do the laundry and prepare stuff for tomorrow and AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....that's when I know it is no longer God's desire....but my pride running the day.
It's a physical challenge for me to "be still...and KNOW that He is God...." I literally have to stop what I'm doing, pray, or ask my husband to pray over me and wait for a minute for my heart to stop racing, my pencil to stop scribbling the "to do" list, and HEAR what God has planned for my day. Sometimes I'm right on track...but usually I'm DOING more than HEARING and doing without hearing...is futility.
I won't get into the melancholy list today. I will, however, encourage YOU to investigate the temperament theory as outlined by Francis Littauer or Tim LaHaye or any number of Christian authors. For me, it is easier to understand things people do that I don't WANT to make sense of, if I can see how God "wired them up".
I am a HUGE believer in temperament and how we can more readily understand many of our actions (good and bad) by how God "wired us up". I ALSO believe God can and will transform our temperament as we strive to be more "Christ-like". With that said, I am 'choleric-melancholy'. More than anything else I am DRIVEN! I don't know if that conjures up negative or positive connotations for you, for me it's usually good unless I'm 'driving out of control'.
I try very hard not to use it as an excuse when I bulldoze over people or lack discipline about my words in my choleric-driven rants. Sometimes I am successful and other times I am not. I struggle to reign in my mouth when there is lack of leadership or lack of a plan. I am a natural "leader", no excuses, just truth, and with leadership, often comes pride. God has done so much work on me since returning to Oklahoma in this specific area, but it creeps in during times and it's a real physical struggle to do the work and not "rise to lead" out of pride. The other thing that is happening, even as I sit and draft this entry, is my mind begins to run in overdrive the 'things' I need to DO today. I need to get groceries...I need to do some Bible Study work....I need to call some friends....I need to visit my family....I need to clean the house and do the laundry and prepare stuff for tomorrow and AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....that's when I know it is no longer God's desire....but my pride running the day.
It's a physical challenge for me to "be still...and KNOW that He is God...." I literally have to stop what I'm doing, pray, or ask my husband to pray over me and wait for a minute for my heart to stop racing, my pencil to stop scribbling the "to do" list, and HEAR what God has planned for my day. Sometimes I'm right on track...but usually I'm DOING more than HEARING and doing without hearing...is futility.
I won't get into the melancholy list today. I will, however, encourage YOU to investigate the temperament theory as outlined by Francis Littauer or Tim LaHaye or any number of Christian authors. For me, it is easier to understand things people do that I don't WANT to make sense of, if I can see how God "wired them up".
Friday, February 03, 2006
MY "Great Commission"
Any of us that have attended a church of essentially ANY denomination or non-denomination, have heard the term "the great commission". I have heard sermon after sermon from Matthew, telling me to "go and make disciples of all nations...". I always felt either overwhelmed or
'excused' because I had already 'talked to God' about my lack of passion for going to Africa to live and witness. The thing that has always bothered me about the message from Matthew is how it doesn't line up word for word with the message in Mark and how it totally conflicts with my own heart's desires.
Mark 16:15-20 teaches: "Jesus said to his followers, 'Go everywhere in the world, and tell the Good News to everyone. Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved, but anyone who does not believe will be punished. And those who believe will be able to do these things as proof: They will use my name to force out demons. They will speak in new languages. They will pick up snakes and drink poison without being hurt. They will touch the sick, and the sick will be healed.'
After the Lord Jesus said these things to his followers, he was carried up into heaven, and he sat at the right side of God. The followers went everywhere in the world and told the Good News to people, and the Lord helped them. The Lord proved that the Good News they told was true by giving them power to work miracles."
Some denominations have left this last part out. I've even heard sermons that explain away these "abilities" Jesus speaks specifically about. I have heard preachers say emphatically that was only during that time and only a gift to the disciples of Christ. I have also heard preachers say we can not heal and cast out demons because we do not have that level of faith. I say "HOGWASH".
I believe this teaching, like so much Scripture, has been taken out and reworded and rephrased and redefined to the extent that we lose the rest of the picture. My LIFE acts as my witness. I am so NOT a 'perfect' Christ-like example that I WANT to be. I am way, way, way, off the mark. I have lots of excuses, but the bottom line is the thing that drives me is the passion I have for God and the desire I have to please God and to show my love for Him, as He has shown His love for us...for me.
I know realistically I will never reach the level of love that God did through Jesus Christ, but somewhere in the farthest reaches of my heart, I still want to try to get there. It could be my temperament, it could be my upbringing, but I would rather accept that as a child of God, a creation of God, I have HIS Spirit in my heart that is longing to bring me closer to Him. This is the thing that is missing for those that don't know Jesus. The heart condition. This is my commission. I would die tomorrow believing my life had purpose, if I could explain to each person God puts before me about this passion.
I don't have to go to Africa to find these people. I work with them. WE work with them. We eat with them. We get our hair cut by them. They are our checkers and greeters at Wal-Mart. We hang out with them. We used to be just like them. As a matter of fact, the only difference between us and "them", is we are forgiven. Don't ever forget when and how God brought you to Him. He was wooing you even before you glanced His way. He is still wooing you. It's more than a "life insurance policy", it's love like you have never known!
If I may be so bold as to use the words of one of the best ad campaigns ever: Get God!
'excused' because I had already 'talked to God' about my lack of passion for going to Africa to live and witness. The thing that has always bothered me about the message from Matthew is how it doesn't line up word for word with the message in Mark and how it totally conflicts with my own heart's desires.
Mark 16:15-20 teaches: "Jesus said to his followers, 'Go everywhere in the world, and tell the Good News to everyone. Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved, but anyone who does not believe will be punished. And those who believe will be able to do these things as proof: They will use my name to force out demons. They will speak in new languages. They will pick up snakes and drink poison without being hurt. They will touch the sick, and the sick will be healed.'
After the Lord Jesus said these things to his followers, he was carried up into heaven, and he sat at the right side of God. The followers went everywhere in the world and told the Good News to people, and the Lord helped them. The Lord proved that the Good News they told was true by giving them power to work miracles."
Some denominations have left this last part out. I've even heard sermons that explain away these "abilities" Jesus speaks specifically about. I have heard preachers say emphatically that was only during that time and only a gift to the disciples of Christ. I have also heard preachers say we can not heal and cast out demons because we do not have that level of faith. I say "HOGWASH".
I believe this teaching, like so much Scripture, has been taken out and reworded and rephrased and redefined to the extent that we lose the rest of the picture. My LIFE acts as my witness. I am so NOT a 'perfect' Christ-like example that I WANT to be. I am way, way, way, off the mark. I have lots of excuses, but the bottom line is the thing that drives me is the passion I have for God and the desire I have to please God and to show my love for Him, as He has shown His love for us...for me.
I know realistically I will never reach the level of love that God did through Jesus Christ, but somewhere in the farthest reaches of my heart, I still want to try to get there. It could be my temperament, it could be my upbringing, but I would rather accept that as a child of God, a creation of God, I have HIS Spirit in my heart that is longing to bring me closer to Him. This is the thing that is missing for those that don't know Jesus. The heart condition. This is my commission. I would die tomorrow believing my life had purpose, if I could explain to each person God puts before me about this passion.
I don't have to go to Africa to find these people. I work with them. WE work with them. We eat with them. We get our hair cut by them. They are our checkers and greeters at Wal-Mart. We hang out with them. We used to be just like them. As a matter of fact, the only difference between us and "them", is we are forgiven. Don't ever forget when and how God brought you to Him. He was wooing you even before you glanced His way. He is still wooing you. It's more than a "life insurance policy", it's love like you have never known!
If I may be so bold as to use the words of one of the best ad campaigns ever: Get God!
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Underdog....where are you?
I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon of "causes". In my flesh, I'm one of the more cynical and hardened souls you will encounter. Part of my transformation from flesh to Christianity, has been a softening of my heart towards others, specifically those that cannot fight their own battles effectively. This is the Holy Spirit, trust me on this!
Over the past weeks 'causes' have bombarded my heart. I'm sure it's the enemy trying to overwhelm my "transformed heart" with defeating thoughts and feelings of desperation. That overwhelming sense that nothing I do will matter anyway, it's just a drop of water in a VERY LARGE ocean.
I have heard and witnessed tales of horror in our public schools. I, with every other driving American, have experienced gas cost increases and in-flux pricing while the oil companies net the largest profits in history. I have experienced road rage as I jockey for position during for my morning commute to and from work each day. I have watched, through shielded eyes, the poverty that sweeps our nation and starvation that riddles our children each night. I have seen acts of abuse against childhood and our very freedom. I have seen personal wars waged against homosexuality in the name of God, based in prejudice and lack of knowledge. I continue to hear of atrocities in other countries against Christians. I, myself, have experienced a level of oppression as a women in the southwest. The cause that has finally pierced my heart is our current healthcare situation.
HIPAA laws, the newest 'trend' in healthcare, were SUPPOSEDLY developed to further protect patient information and provide a sense of security with regards to diagnoses prejudice. Perhaps due to ignorance and a real "fear" of retribution, healthcare providers have gone "over the top" with these laws to protect themselves, which ultimately could end up harming a patient. This is not the worst of it. Recently, a dear friend from my church has faced a healthcare crisis with her own daughter following a near fatal car accident. Initially, she struggled to just gain information from the multiple member trauma team due to her "adopted mother" status and this child's age of 18.
Now, an even MORE appalling truth has been uncovered. The patient is semi-conscious, PRAISE GOD, but unable to verbally communicate, and has fallen out of her hospital bed several times. The mother was informed that it is the families responsibility to provide 24/7 coverage for this patient. This is the part that appalls me!
We pay more and more and more and more for insurance coverage, yet the services covered and provided are fewer and fewer and fewer and fewer. Are we so numbed as a nation, that we will continue to watch healthcare spiral out of control until we are immediately affected by a tragedy and watch the compromising of care occur firsthand? I hope NOT!
In the midst of our deepest tragedies, we are seeking a helper. We are seeking someone with KNOWLEDGE and compassion and a heart to heal. In my experience, there is only one who fits this definition. He is God. He is our Father. He is our Healer. He is the Great Physician. He is our creator!
So HOW does God do this. Well, one way...is through us. He uses us as His conduit. We see this throughout the New Testament, but primarily in Paul's letter to the Ephesians. God has enabled us all, through gifts, to HELP one another, to walk as the Body of Christ. We are NOT to turn a blind eye to the atrocities around us. We are NOT to judge one another and tear one another down for our differences. We ARE to walk as a body and talk as a body and be ONE as a body.
What am I going to do? Well, initially I am going to email everyone I know to try to form an alliance of people, all ages, that are willing to give even one hour a week to go and sit with someone that is sick, to go and provide this much needed assistance to others that are struggling to deal with tragedy, illness and staying afloat financially. Above that, I am going to write my congressman. I am going to request information from insurance companies about this compromised care. I will petition, if necessary, our local government to at least use some of my tax dollars to "investigate" this problem. My cynical self is already reprimanding me for caring. Satan is already reminding me that I will get some "automated" response and not to bother with it. But, GOD is reassuring me, as tears run down my face, that He will hold my hand through this and be my greatest champion! I'm not asking you to take on any causes in this diatribe...I am asking you to feel SOMETHING and for many of us, we will only feel something once God has taken up residence within our hearts.
Over the past weeks 'causes' have bombarded my heart. I'm sure it's the enemy trying to overwhelm my "transformed heart" with defeating thoughts and feelings of desperation. That overwhelming sense that nothing I do will matter anyway, it's just a drop of water in a VERY LARGE ocean.
I have heard and witnessed tales of horror in our public schools. I, with every other driving American, have experienced gas cost increases and in-flux pricing while the oil companies net the largest profits in history. I have experienced road rage as I jockey for position during for my morning commute to and from work each day. I have watched, through shielded eyes, the poverty that sweeps our nation and starvation that riddles our children each night. I have seen acts of abuse against childhood and our very freedom. I have seen personal wars waged against homosexuality in the name of God, based in prejudice and lack of knowledge. I continue to hear of atrocities in other countries against Christians. I, myself, have experienced a level of oppression as a women in the southwest. The cause that has finally pierced my heart is our current healthcare situation.
HIPAA laws, the newest 'trend' in healthcare, were SUPPOSEDLY developed to further protect patient information and provide a sense of security with regards to diagnoses prejudice. Perhaps due to ignorance and a real "fear" of retribution, healthcare providers have gone "over the top" with these laws to protect themselves, which ultimately could end up harming a patient. This is not the worst of it. Recently, a dear friend from my church has faced a healthcare crisis with her own daughter following a near fatal car accident. Initially, she struggled to just gain information from the multiple member trauma team due to her "adopted mother" status and this child's age of 18.
Now, an even MORE appalling truth has been uncovered. The patient is semi-conscious, PRAISE GOD, but unable to verbally communicate, and has fallen out of her hospital bed several times. The mother was informed that it is the families responsibility to provide 24/7 coverage for this patient. This is the part that appalls me!
We pay more and more and more and more for insurance coverage, yet the services covered and provided are fewer and fewer and fewer and fewer. Are we so numbed as a nation, that we will continue to watch healthcare spiral out of control until we are immediately affected by a tragedy and watch the compromising of care occur firsthand? I hope NOT!
In the midst of our deepest tragedies, we are seeking a helper. We are seeking someone with KNOWLEDGE and compassion and a heart to heal. In my experience, there is only one who fits this definition. He is God. He is our Father. He is our Healer. He is the Great Physician. He is our creator!
So HOW does God do this. Well, one way...is through us. He uses us as His conduit. We see this throughout the New Testament, but primarily in Paul's letter to the Ephesians. God has enabled us all, through gifts, to HELP one another, to walk as the Body of Christ. We are NOT to turn a blind eye to the atrocities around us. We are NOT to judge one another and tear one another down for our differences. We ARE to walk as a body and talk as a body and be ONE as a body.
What am I going to do? Well, initially I am going to email everyone I know to try to form an alliance of people, all ages, that are willing to give even one hour a week to go and sit with someone that is sick, to go and provide this much needed assistance to others that are struggling to deal with tragedy, illness and staying afloat financially. Above that, I am going to write my congressman. I am going to request information from insurance companies about this compromised care. I will petition, if necessary, our local government to at least use some of my tax dollars to "investigate" this problem. My cynical self is already reprimanding me for caring. Satan is already reminding me that I will get some "automated" response and not to bother with it. But, GOD is reassuring me, as tears run down my face, that He will hold my hand through this and be my greatest champion! I'm not asking you to take on any causes in this diatribe...I am asking you to feel SOMETHING and for many of us, we will only feel something once God has taken up residence within our hearts.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
To here from there
I guess as with any good story, mine has a starting point and I am going to try to share how I got here.
Not too long ago, I was journaling and wrote a passage that holds true still today and it's not only representative of many of the "stone of remembrance" that God has me keeping, but also of thoughts and feelings that help define me.
I remember…
What happened to that girl that loved to play outside...
What happened to that girl that longed to see the world through the rose glasses…
What happened to that girl that believed her daddy would “save her from harm” and make all the hurt go away…
I remember being young and having strong feelings about so many things…I remember facing injustices and judgment for my physical “failings”. For lack of blonde hair, for lack of large breasts, for lack of tanned skin…I remember trying to alter my self to make “corrections” for these shortcomings…I remember it never being enough. I remember feelings of such failure for something so trivial, yet something, at that time, that could make or break your very social life.
I remember never having a date on a Friday or Saturday night. I remember my friends starting to date and that’s all they talked about. I remember wondering what it meant…”I would grow into myself”…I remember wondering if I was a loser. I remember wondering why I was ugly. I remember wondering, what’s wrong with me? I remember wondering if I’d ever fit in. I remember sacrificing my beliefs and values to try to fit in. I remember feeling sick about it. I remember self-judgment was worse than peer judgment. I remember hating my self.
I remember the summer I finally got a boyfriend. I remember how it felt to hold his hand and to kiss him. I remember how sweet it was being “in love”. I remember our song. I remember how it felt when we were apart. I remember when we broke up. I remember still loving him. I remember hearing later that he was gay. I remember hearing he died of AIDS in the 90’s. I remember crying for him. I remember hoping he had met the Lord. I remember feeling peace that he was safe in the arms of the Father.
I remember going to college and finding some real friends. I remember how we were all different. I remember how we began to embrace the differences. I remember crossing racial barriers. I remember my parents’ reaction to this. I remember the evolution of my values and ethics, personally designated. I remember the dissolution of beliefs, values, ethics that were placed in me by parental guidance. I remember beginning to question everything…openly! I remember getting some answers that didn’t “jive” and letting them go. I remember the realization that I was a “thinker”. I remember realizing I was intelligent and gifted in many ways. I remember college reminding me I wasn’t the only gifted person and definitely not the most intelligent and it was OKAY! I remember embracing myself and my strengths and weaknesses.
I remember my first job and the thought “this is what I went to college for?” I remember being so disenchanted with the “working” world. I remember feeling already so defeated and ensnared by the drudgery of it all, 8-5 Monday through Friday, no summers off…..good grief!
I remember so many things….and while they will always be a part of who I am now…they do NOT define me now.
NOW, I see God created me with a purpose and a plan. I have endured some pain, to grow and mature and endure greater pain.
I have dealt with some pain and judgment in order to learn NOT to judge others…and NOT to cause pain to others.
I have had to do things alone and struggling, to learn the value of helping and serving.
I have seen, first hand, hate and prejudice, so that I would repel from the very thought of that from my own life.
I have heard disparaging things so that I would learn to rope my tongue.
I have seen vile and evil things so that I would arm others with God’s truth and beauty and learn compassion and love.
I have seen and heard of unwanted pregnancy and been numbed by abortions so that I would value life and see each life as a gift from God.
I have remembered my life…so that I could grow into the person God created, taking my memories, learning from each one, and holding on to hope for a better tomorrow!
Not too long ago, I was journaling and wrote a passage that holds true still today and it's not only representative of many of the "stone of remembrance" that God has me keeping, but also of thoughts and feelings that help define me.
I remember…
What happened to that girl that loved to play outside...
What happened to that girl that longed to see the world through the rose glasses…
What happened to that girl that believed her daddy would “save her from harm” and make all the hurt go away…
I remember being young and having strong feelings about so many things…I remember facing injustices and judgment for my physical “failings”. For lack of blonde hair, for lack of large breasts, for lack of tanned skin…I remember trying to alter my self to make “corrections” for these shortcomings…I remember it never being enough. I remember feelings of such failure for something so trivial, yet something, at that time, that could make or break your very social life.
I remember never having a date on a Friday or Saturday night. I remember my friends starting to date and that’s all they talked about. I remember wondering what it meant…”I would grow into myself”…I remember wondering if I was a loser. I remember wondering why I was ugly. I remember wondering, what’s wrong with me? I remember wondering if I’d ever fit in. I remember sacrificing my beliefs and values to try to fit in. I remember feeling sick about it. I remember self-judgment was worse than peer judgment. I remember hating my self.
I remember the summer I finally got a boyfriend. I remember how it felt to hold his hand and to kiss him. I remember how sweet it was being “in love”. I remember our song. I remember how it felt when we were apart. I remember when we broke up. I remember still loving him. I remember hearing later that he was gay. I remember hearing he died of AIDS in the 90’s. I remember crying for him. I remember hoping he had met the Lord. I remember feeling peace that he was safe in the arms of the Father.
I remember going to college and finding some real friends. I remember how we were all different. I remember how we began to embrace the differences. I remember crossing racial barriers. I remember my parents’ reaction to this. I remember the evolution of my values and ethics, personally designated. I remember the dissolution of beliefs, values, ethics that were placed in me by parental guidance. I remember beginning to question everything…openly! I remember getting some answers that didn’t “jive” and letting them go. I remember the realization that I was a “thinker”. I remember realizing I was intelligent and gifted in many ways. I remember college reminding me I wasn’t the only gifted person and definitely not the most intelligent and it was OKAY! I remember embracing myself and my strengths and weaknesses.
I remember my first job and the thought “this is what I went to college for?” I remember being so disenchanted with the “working” world. I remember feeling already so defeated and ensnared by the drudgery of it all, 8-5 Monday through Friday, no summers off…..good grief!
I remember so many things….and while they will always be a part of who I am now…they do NOT define me now.
NOW, I see God created me with a purpose and a plan. I have endured some pain, to grow and mature and endure greater pain.
I have dealt with some pain and judgment in order to learn NOT to judge others…and NOT to cause pain to others.
I have had to do things alone and struggling, to learn the value of helping and serving.
I have seen, first hand, hate and prejudice, so that I would repel from the very thought of that from my own life.
I have heard disparaging things so that I would learn to rope my tongue.
I have seen vile and evil things so that I would arm others with God’s truth and beauty and learn compassion and love.
I have seen and heard of unwanted pregnancy and been numbed by abortions so that I would value life and see each life as a gift from God.
I have remembered my life…so that I could grow into the person God created, taking my memories, learning from each one, and holding on to hope for a better tomorrow!
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