First Day of the Rest of My Life....

Today is the day. The first day away from gainful employment...albeit a field I was less than excited about.

I have a bit of apprehension about what the future holds, but I am certain of one thing...God's got it all under control and had it planned out way before I showed up on this planet.

My mind is going about 1000 thoughts/minute so I'm trying to reel it in and organize the thoughts that matter in the long run.

Not surprisingly my Bible Study this week is about 'faithfulness'. Seems right on target.

and we're off...

Future Employment?

Okay...ice wasn't all it was 'cracked' up to be. This saddens me. I thought this would be a great fit for me.

That said...I am leaving this job and searching for a job that will use my gifts. In a perfect world here is the top 10:

1. Movie critic
2. Restaurant critic (lol)
3. Personal shopper
4. Professional organizer
5. Craft teacher
6. Book Editor
7. Author
8. Book Reviewer
9. Music Video Director
10. Art/Talent Director

Honorary Mention: Lottery Winner and stay-at-home-dog-mom.

That was fun...the cynic in me knows these are probably not possible...but I am not going to settle in to another admin job that is empty and without fulfillment. I have to believe God gave me talents to use in a career somewhere.

The search is on.

SHUT UP!

I know, I know, we are NEVER supposed to say this. I’m just feeling extremely over-stimulated by social media.

It was one thing when we could instant message, then the blogdom began its reign. The next thing you know…people are you-tubing, tweeting, face booking, live streaming… and the list goes on…and on…and on.

I have always been an information seeker, but I am so inundated with information I can hardly tell fact from crap and sometimes do not even have the wherewithal to refer back to truth as my source. It is no wonder we all struggle with self-image and self-worth when we are reminded daily in so many formats how inadequate we are and how uninformed we remain.

I am not sure if I am to the point where I need to cut it all off or if I can self-censor so that I can maintain my own creative outlet and the cyber-friendships I so cherish.

I do feel compelled to turn ‘off’ comments on this blog so the purity of the message and my motivation remain intact. Add to that the disdain I feel for the advertisements weakly disguised as comments (YUCK with a capital “Y”)!

Here is a ‘shout-out’ for being still and remembering…He is still GOD!”

With Age Comes...Silence?

I've noticed already that at my current age I'm somewhere past people listening to me and not being heard at all as an 'old' lady.

I've always been an observer of life. Observing relationships, marriage, parenting...all of it really. I remember seeing younger women ignoring older women and not really giving it much thought. Now the closer I get to this age of wisdom, the more I see this reality.

I suppose that's why so many young women repeat failed history...because they don't learn from the women who have already lived it.

Just observations from the edge...

Opportunity Or Failure?

I've decided to leave the ice plant. I actually decided that at the end of last summer. It's just not a good 'fit' (in the words of management training). I am not happy.

I really want to fill the God-Shaped hole with something that He created me for...I just don't want to believe that he intended me to ramble from one job to another searching, searching, searching...for something that seems unattainable.

I know others' who have jobs they were created to do and you can tell immediately the way they light up when they talk about it, or the way they perform that job. I've never felt that way. I think it's been a lifetime of settling and I'm tired of settling.

At first I saw it as opportunity...after opportunity...after opportunity. Now I struggle with feelings of failure. Maybe I'm just a failure at stick-to-it-ness. Maybe I am incapable of committing to something long enough to see if it is the 'fill' for this God-shaped-hole.

Struggling with these feelings as it seems to be a culmination of a long life and a long list of failures, both professionally and personally.

I do THANK GOD for my marriage. I have a husband who encourages me and is faithful and I trust his love.

Thank you God for the joy of this covenant marriage and I pray you would lead these next steps and remove the lies of defeat.

Observations...

I went to a dinner with the women from my church Bible Study tonight. I have had a hard time 'fitting in' with many of these women for the past 12-14 weeks and tonight as I sat at dinner and just observed...I realized I am just not like these women. I know it sounds like a 'pat' answer, but I feel truly out of touch with much of what is discussed.

Yet somehow, we find a way to come together and join our spirits (for a time) and share our experiences (for a time) and grow together. It's still hard to realize I want so much more than this small group can offer or be. I think I'll sit out the next study and maybe do a time of inner-reflection and do the study on my own.

You know what I love about 'blogging' and writing here...is when I have a day that's filled with the daily drudgery and a disappointing evening, I can come to this computer and safely pour it out without judgement from myself or others. I love that this release is my way of letting God know exactly where I am...without the masks, without expectations, without pretense.

I am supposed to be doing a daily entry in an art journal, but I haven't started yet. I guess my 365 days can start on any date. I'm looking forward to this release and hoping it provides direction and release.

A Time to End

I have a feeling my position in ice may soon be ending. Nothing concrete...just a feeling. Looking forward to a career and not just settling with jobs.

More on this later...time to go to make ice...for now.

Dashing...

It's a new year and with it brings feelings of anticipation and renewed hope. I love that like our limitless supply of grace and mercy we also get a new day and a new year with some regularity.

Our message at church this weekend was about what we are doing with the 'dash'...that time between birth and death...that is represented by a dash on our tombstone.

Pastorman reminded that it is futile to try to fill our dash with things (food, jobs, even kids)...if we allow God to show us how to fill the dash we will have a much more fulfilled and JOY filled life and living the purpose God designed us for.

The first step for me is the job. I cannot continue to work at this place where I feel no passion whatsoever about the outcome. I have got to find a job that I feel passionate about...the job that God created me to do.

Whether it's artistic in nature directly or through written word or through helping others...it is out there and I will selectively find it...with His help of course.

So, I set about 2012 in search of my God given purpose, in terms of my career.

Let's see where this ends...and 2012 begins.

On Empty

My tanks are just on empty lately. Pretty sure it's post-holiday stuff...and I want it to end.

It's one of those times when you know what you need to do to get out of it, but you don't even want to do that.

So my mind just keeps replaying all these things:
weight gain from holiday...
lack of energy leading to less 'moving'...
family drama after Christmas...
frustration with lack of volunteers and lack of communication at church...
wanting a new job but feeling like I failed at this 1 year stint...
not even wanting to open my Bible for answers or encouragement...
feeling like weeks will never end only to face a weekend of emptiness...

I am in a funk and need to get out of it.

Lord, please fill me with YOU...so I can dump this junk and move forward. I do NOT want to sit in this cesspool any longer and while I realize it is within my power to choose, I'm struggling.

It's beginning to feel a lot less like Christmas

Made it through Christmas without much adieu...but then the day after I was slammed with family emotion that continues to be so 'pushed down' that when it is triggered it becomes this huge ugly ordeal. My poor husband never knows how to react (because is SO non-confrontational), but this is the way my family disagrees.

It was ugly, it was uncomfortable, and it always serves to ruin a holiday.

I just can't do it anymore. I let my mom know I wouldn't be spending anymore Christmases with the extended family...it is just too important a holiday (to me) to have it belittled and 'ruined' by emotional vomit.

Paul and I had been discussing for some time visiting beaches or traveling over Christmas holiday because we have no children and these holiday gatherings are routinely so stressful. We got our passports this year and will start a new holiday travel tradition.

Hope your holiday was better than mine...

I Know How You Feel

I doubt it!

That's the first thing that pops into my head ANYTIME I heard that phrase. Regardless of what is going on, my situation is unique to me. My feelings are unique to me. I'm not sure if it separates us in our uniqueness or if it unites us in our shared emotion, but I do KNOW you have no idea how I feel.

This came up at a Bible study last night and I've been mulling it around in my head a bit. I volunteered with a few different agencies over the years and one of the first things you learn is what NOT to say to help de-escalate a volatile situation. What NOT to say is probably even more important than what TO say.

God is still working on me with this lesson, but I will say it gets a bit easier with age because not only do people quit asking what you think, but they don't always listen when you offer the wisdom of ages. I have always been an observer and listener, but I do speak. I'm hoping I can remember God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.

Happy Listening!

Independence Day?

Independence is one of those things that I worked so hard to attain as a young, highly-spirited (aka: opinionated), restless, judgmental child. I just knew when I could finally do things MY way and do what I wanted and be who I wanted and say what I wanted...everything would be better.

When people would ask what quality I was most proud of in myself...it was almost always my independence. I didn't NEED anyone and I thought that was a good thing.

Honestly, how deep can a friendship go if you don't ever need someone? How big is your faith in God if you don't admit you need Him? I had convinced myself that others (and GOD) had bigger problems to deal with and I could handle all mine all by myself! Sounds like a 4-y.o. doesn't it.

It took me some time to realize it was okay to depend on others...and it is a REQUIREMENT to lean on God. There is no release without confession, there is no strength without weakness. I decided I need to celebrate my DEPENDENCE Day! The day I finally decided to depend on God for everything!

It is a process for me, and one I honestly struggle with daily (even at my ripening age). I know I need some 'knee-time' when I start thinking I don't NEED any one's help.

As I celebrate this Independence Day, I will be reminding myself for me...it's all about Dependence Day!