Forgetful Forgiveness

God spoke to me this morning and unlike the occasionally whispering, he was very clear about what he had to tell me.

You see, prior to going to church, I pretty much told God I just wasn't sure about this whole church thing... I know, I know, same story over and over with me.

As we began worshipping, I asked God to prepare my heart to receive the message and to hear Him.

God didn't waste any time before he let me know my unforgiveness is what is holding me back in church(es). I am holding on to unforgiveness going all the way back to my first experiences in church...and some of my recent experiences as well.

I asked God to reveal it to me in His time and help me move through it and while attending a church potluck today, I actually felt at peace and had some fun...for a change. These things usually make me feel so uncomfortable, but not today.

In God timing I realized as I visited with a friend today about our personal study: "Hiding From Love", that I also had unforgiveness in an answer to questions about my 'hiding'.

Thank you God for revealing my hidden heart and helping me release and forgive and forget!

Proverbs 27:5 "Better is open rebuke, then hidden love."

Silent Night...and Day...For Days!

I started attending the new Beth Moore study on Esther last night at our church. Beth Moore does exhaust me...in a good way...and inspires me...in an even better way. Last night in the intro she talked about her own testimony and the recent experience of NOT FEELING God's presence in her life.

I have so been there very recently. Everything she spoke about I could totally relate to. In perfect Beth Moore fashion, she talked about this experience and how horrible it was to not FEEL anything or HEAR anything and wondering...where is God?

I've been wondering the same thing. The voice that absolutely rings constantly in my ears has been silent for awhile. I keep asking and praying, but I don't always hear anything back, as a matter of fact, for several weeks I heard NOTHING. It's hard not to get discouraged during these periods of silence.

What Beth pointed out and what I'm absolutely hoping for, is at the end of this time of quiet comes revival and new renewal when those Spiritual ears are blown open by the sounds of His voice once again.

Now I'm waiting in silence...

Negative Nelly

There is a woman who sits in the cubicle in front of me and she is truly one of the most negative people I've ever met. She complains about work, health, daughter-in-law, co-workers, traffic, economy, politics, religion, food, pens, computers, her sister, her mother. You name it…she complains about it.

There are some days when I can just ignore it. Some days I find myself trying to pull her to the other side of her self-dug pit. Some days I find myself inching towards the negative myself. Some days I want to build a protective SOUND-PROOF wall around my cubicle so I don’t have to hear it anymore!!!

Today is that day. I've absolutely had it up to the droplet of hairspray from the top of my head. I think about what God is showing me in my quest for gentleness in 2009. How do I deal? Do I speak up? Do I pray aloud at my desk? Do I pray silently for myself? Do I give her a verbal warning (yes, she’s one of my staff people)? Do I plug into my MP3 and forget-about-it?
At this point, 8:04 in the a.m. I’m just not on board yet!

I want to give her a good head-womp and remind her she is alive, she has a beautiful grandson, a job (in a not so secure time), a new car, clothes to wear, food to eat, family that loves her, and boss at her wits end. Not to mention the fact that she is a Christian so she has a SAVIOR who died for her! I wonder how small God is to people who find themselves wallowing in their negativity.

…oh and God wasn't kidding when He said: “We have the power of life and death on our tongues.”

This woman is a killer.

The 8th Dwarf?

I went back to work today after a two-day hiatus while I was down with strep and a staph infection. It was 'good' to be back, but it also reminds me that this job, while a blessing financially is also a HUGE drain of my energy and creativity. I just feel so 'zapped' by the end of a day.

I don't doubt that God placed me here, but I am beginning to get the urgings for something else. I don't think it's the boredom thing this time...I honestly think it's almost time for something to change in my life...something regarding vocation. Too many days I really do feel like one of the dwarf's, only I'm not singing about my work.

I'm thinking 2009 is going to be a bit more about me and what I was created to do and if that's to supervise a billing & collections department for an insurance company...I'm there...but if it's not...then I'm getting ready!

Life is too short to work somewhere longer than God intended.

2008 Year in Review

Another year has come and gone and I've been thinking about what lessons I've learned and where I'm going in 2009.

I've learned...
I am still on a journey,
Health is extremely valuable and a bit more fragile than we realize,
Family is everything...but is also self-defined,
Our jobs are not necessarily our destiny...sometimes they are a catalyst to something else,
People continue to astound and amaze me...both good and bad,
Love doesn't make the world go round'...but it does make the ride better.


I don't do resolutions because they seem to fizzle and die before the first ice melts. I do have goals for 2009.

I hope to...
Serve; somehow, somewhere,
Bring a spirit of gentleness,
quit focusing on to-do's and focus more on to-be's,
Live the questions, instead of stagnating in the answers,
Trust Jeremiah 29:11,
...and journal the experience...