On Empty

My tanks are just on empty lately. Pretty sure it's post-holiday stuff...and I want it to end.

It's one of those times when you know what you need to do to get out of it, but you don't even want to do that.

So my mind just keeps replaying all these things:
weight gain from holiday...
lack of energy leading to less 'moving'...
family drama after Christmas...
frustration with lack of volunteers and lack of communication at church...
wanting a new job but feeling like I failed at this 1 year stint...
not even wanting to open my Bible for answers or encouragement...
feeling like weeks will never end only to face a weekend of emptiness...

I am in a funk and need to get out of it.

Lord, please fill me with YOU...so I can dump this junk and move forward. I do NOT want to sit in this cesspool any longer and while I realize it is within my power to choose, I'm struggling.

It's beginning to feel a lot less like Christmas

Made it through Christmas without much adieu...but then the day after I was slammed with family emotion that continues to be so 'pushed down' that when it is triggered it becomes this huge ugly ordeal. My poor husband never knows how to react (because is SO non-confrontational), but this is the way my family disagrees.

It was ugly, it was uncomfortable, and it always serves to ruin a holiday.

I just can't do it anymore. I let my mom know I wouldn't be spending anymore Christmases with the extended family...it is just too important a holiday (to me) to have it belittled and 'ruined' by emotional vomit.

Paul and I had been discussing for some time visiting beaches or traveling over Christmas holiday because we have no children and these holiday gatherings are routinely so stressful. We got our passports this year and will start a new holiday travel tradition.

Hope your holiday was better than mine...

I Know How You Feel

I doubt it!

That's the first thing that pops into my head ANYTIME I heard that phrase. Regardless of what is going on, my situation is unique to me. My feelings are unique to me. I'm not sure if it separates us in our uniqueness or if it unites us in our shared emotion, but I do KNOW you have no idea how I feel.

This came up at a Bible study last night and I've been mulling it around in my head a bit. I volunteered with a few different agencies over the years and one of the first things you learn is what NOT to say to help de-escalate a volatile situation. What NOT to say is probably even more important than what TO say.

God is still working on me with this lesson, but I will say it gets a bit easier with age because not only do people quit asking what you think, but they don't always listen when you offer the wisdom of ages. I have always been an observer and listener, but I do speak. I'm hoping I can remember God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.

Happy Listening!

Independence Day?

Independence is one of those things that I worked so hard to attain as a young, highly-spirited (aka: opinionated), restless, judgmental child. I just knew when I could finally do things MY way and do what I wanted and be who I wanted and say what I wanted...everything would be better.

When people would ask what quality I was most proud of in myself...it was almost always my independence. I didn't NEED anyone and I thought that was a good thing.

Honestly, how deep can a friendship go if you don't ever need someone? How big is your faith in God if you don't admit you need Him? I had convinced myself that others (and GOD) had bigger problems to deal with and I could handle all mine all by myself! Sounds like a 4-y.o. doesn't it.

It took me some time to realize it was okay to depend on others...and it is a REQUIREMENT to lean on God. There is no release without confession, there is no strength without weakness. I decided I need to celebrate my DEPENDENCE Day! The day I finally decided to depend on God for everything!

It is a process for me, and one I honestly struggle with daily (even at my ripening age). I know I need some 'knee-time' when I start thinking I don't NEED any one's help.

As I celebrate this Independence Day, I will be reminding myself for me...it's all about Dependence Day!

What's Your Word?

I have this little bowl of 'angel' cards I have had for some time now. They are little cards with a small picture of an angel an a word to meditate on for the day. It helps me to focus on something other than myself and really contemplate on what God is pulling from me each day.

I have recently been drawing some 'tough' ones for me, but today I drew "BIRTH". I have never drawn this card before. I've had these cards literally at least 13 years and have NEVER drawn this card.

It means a lot to me. It means, memories, newness, cleansing. It honestly reminds me of my salvation and the love God has for me. It reminds me of the plan He has for my life. It reminds me of HIS reminder that His grace and mercy is new everyday. I am literally reborn everyday into his grace and mercy. I get a chance every day to show my love for Him through others and through my devotion to Him and His calling on my life...a life of unmerited favor and forgiveness. That is ALL good.

Don't get me wrong, some days I fail miserably in this venture. But I get to wake up tomorrow with NEW grace and mercy from Him.

It's a good place to be...

Prayer and Waiting

Once again I have taken far too long a hiatus from writing and my mind begins to wilt a bit when I consider not writing and then again when I sit down to actually put fingers to keys.

That said, I am here to update and say that I am entering a time of prayer. I believe it's going to be a bit more than my usual conversations with God that are far more random in topic. This is going to be a time of intense prayer for my church, the women, leadership, discipleship program, children's ministry...basically everything about the church I am attending.

I am expecting God to show up and reveal himself in a big way. I am expecting God to speak to me and give me visions and dreams and direction...but in the words of S-M-A...even if he doesn't...it doesn't make him any less GOD! Somehow I'm pretty sure he will!

I have been tempted to close this blog down and 'start again', but this is my journey and coming here is usually like coming home. You get that great feeling of something familiar and wonderful!

I put so much pressure on myself, that sometimes I doubt the words I have to say even mean much anymore, but God assures me He still desires to chat with me a much more regular basis and so I return...again...and hope that something that comes from the heart will make its way onto this place.

Now if I could just master the Html coding and change up the look a bit...

A New Year

Once again I have been absent from the blogdom for a long, long time (in word years anyway). I've been hanging out on facebook and while it doesn't offer the forum for writing freely like the blog does, it has reconnected me with many old friends.

I've still been enjoying the new job and since I reside in Snowklahoma have had about 7 days off this winter as 'snow days'. Today is one of those day.

Got a new Accounting Clerk and things are like brand new around the place. She is energetic, creative, funny, and a really quick 'learner'. It is like night and day from the days when I first started. Of course, add to that, I have learned much more about manufacturing and the ice business specifically and route accounting, while challenging, is fairly straightforward.

I have such good intentions of getting back to writing but sometimes feel like the urge to write is lying dormant. I guess I'll see if I can get on here more often and at least check out what other people are writing. I miss the words.

Cold As Ice...

I'm working for a large ice company and the woman I am working with...and will supervise is absolutely the 'coldest' person I have ever met.

I am praying for her...I think she is actually the antithesis of anything Jesus. I'm also trying to be Jesus with skin on...but man oh man is it challenging.

I Feel the Earth Move...

or not. We had an earthquake this week outside Norman, OK. It was felt as far away as Northern Kansas and Dallas, Texas...I felt nothing.

We talked briefly about it in Bible Study and it reminded of the parable of building your house on a firm foundation. When my world is rocking, more than likely I should evaluate the foundation.

I hope your world is on solid ground this weekend!

Trading Down?

I read this on a friend's facebook page: Genesis 25:33 The Message (MSG)
Jacob said, “First, swear to me.” And he did it. On oath Esau traded away his rights as the firstborn."

I used to be one of those people who would read this passage and think...how dumb was Esau! Really he traded his BIRTHRIGHT blessing away...for a bowl of stinkin' soup?

Then my friend asked the question: "What have you traded of eternal importance for a momentary pleasure???" and I had to stop and realize I have been Esau at some very pivotal moments in my life.

I hope I remember the next time I want an immediate gratification...to choose well.

Break Is Over

...No, not just my blogging break. I've been blogging again fairly regularly (well for the last week or so) and I intend on continuing on this written journey. I'm talking about my three month jobless state.

I was laid off on July 6, 2010, and have been unemployed since then. I have had the incredible opportunity to completely revamp my resume (with the outsourcing group hired to help with the transition) and also my cover letter. I couldn't get over how much things had changed in such a short time.

I start my new job next Monday (pending background, credit checks and drug testing). I don't anticipate any holdups, I haven't even had a poppy seed muffin or anything. I will be working in a manufacturing environment (totally new to me) and I will be accounting/office manager. The people I've met with have been wonderful and I am SO excited to work with them. The bonus is the totally casual atmosphere.

I had the opportunity to interview with other companies and even turned down a job which was surreal during this economy. The whole 'break' I had the feeling of peace that God was finding my perfect job and true to His word...I think He did.

I'm looking forward to writing more once I've started.

Un-Altered At the Altar

I was reading a facebook status the other day and it had something about picking up a garment that had been altered and the person 'hoped it fit'. Immediately the Holy Spirit put a thought in my head...these clothing alterations are not much different than what Jesus did for us.

We are a mess when we approach the cross...the Altar of God. God wants this mess and His very Spirit is going to alter us in a way we never thought possible...as a matter of fact, we are altered at the altar as soon as we ask.

Sometimes these alterations don't 'feel' right. It feels like the sleeves are too tight or the buttonholes too small. But what I've found is happening is these alterations are conflicting with my flesh. What's reassuring and what I've experienced is God continues to alter and alter me until one day I will comfortably walk in His perfect version of me.

I guess in a sense...I'm in the midst of being altared!