Emotional Pain

...is that place in the very core of our heart...where we just know what we're going through is going to absolutely destroy us one tear at a time.

Foiled Again

My hairdresser has been 'unavailable' lately and so I found myself going grey much faster and more dramatically than I ever intended. Add to that...lo' and behold my drivers license expires next week.

EMERGENCY HAIR INTERVENTION needed!!! I had talked to a couple of ladies that had used one of our local hair schools with some success and I'm notorious for waiting too long to try to get an appointment with a 'graduate' who actually works in a SALON...and I was desperate so I decided to go to 'said' school and try it out. The issue with these schools is you can't really 'schedule' an appointment with someone you get referred to. You show up, put your name on the list and wait for the 'next available stylist/student'.

So after my 7 mile training walk on Saturday morning, I headed over to the school, put my name on the list and indicated what services I wanted and waited.

While I waited, I watched the stylists that I could see from the lobby. As always I looked at their hair. I don't know why, really. They probably didn't DO their OWN hair. But who has the nerve to ask: "Who did you hair? That's who I want to see today."

So I wait for awhile and just watched and looked around. It seemed everywhere I looked there was foil, foil, and more foil. There was more foil than a Tin Man convention. It was crazy! Plus, these are students so there is A LOT of foil. Both on heads and on the floor.

I get called back (around 11ish) and the first thing the student/stylist asks me is what I want done so I proceed to tell her the most important thing is cover the grey and then just highlight/low light the rest of it. She brings the instructor over to discuss my decision and then goes to 'mix' the potion.

She was a nice young lady and we had a great time visiting and she even turned my chair out towards the center of the room so I could continue to 'people/hair' watch. As she's 'foiling' my hair I asked her what the worst part of school is and she tells me: "Working with grey hair." I think my eyes just grew three times larger. She then proceeded to tell me she is still trying to figure it out. I tried to encourage her by telling her even my 'seasoned' stylist doesn't get them ALL covered, just do the best you can.

She complied. I sat in that chair being 'foiled' for 2 hours at least. At one point I thought I was going to pass out and I literally had to put my foil-covered head between my legs. I recovered after drinking the rest of my lukewarm water and endured the remainder of the foiling. I would wager to guess there were over 75 foils on my head. The most I had ever had was probably 20-25. Granted I have a lot of hair (and this student/stylist didn't hesitate to let me know that). I think I was assisting with the local radio stations' increased frequency that day.

About 2 additional hours later (yes 4 total) I had my hair colored, cut, dried, straightened, textured and $38.50 later I'm out the door. Yep, that's right...only $38.50 (plus tip of course). The tips are all these girls make. My regular stylist charges me between $120-$140, so this is really a steal. Is it the caliber of my regular stylists? Probably not, but for that price I'm willing to be a guinea pig and go in with that mantra: "it's not that bad. Hair grows!"

The other thing the whole process reminded me of was from the recent study of Esther I did when the women spend all those months preparing themselves to be presented to the King and they endure all these beauty treatments. I'll bet they wish they had foil back then. The things we do for beauty!

The Heart of It All

It seemed a fitting title with Hallmark’s big holiday upon us.

I’ve thought a lot about what I wrote about skipping church and read and pondered the comments.

A part of me feels half submerged in a post-modern society. I've read many of the books but on some level it seems as though it's either too inclusive or too ambivalent. Whichever the case, the more I read about postmodernism the more uncertain I become about my role and the role of my church (should I find MY church).

The other half of me feels the pain of the traditional church of my childhood. During that time I was discouraged from asking questions about anything related to church or my beliefs and some of that pain and pride hangs out on my shoulders when I walk through the church doors or when there is hesitation or a strange look at some of the questions I have.

The hardest thing for me is the expectations. I think rather than setting my expectations too high, I go in expecting the worst and then I become detached when I find it. It reminds me of Scripture about setting my mind on the 'good' things and so many lessons I've had on renewing my mind.

I obviously don't have the answers and I obviously need to clear my mind and take the 'no expectations' route but this has proven much more difficult than I could imagine. Especially given my history in this area. I think I can take a certain amount of pain and indifference before I just don't want to 'play' anymore.

There is a quote about how thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character "When you are all alone, no one is observing you. The thoughts that are taking place in your mind is the blue-print of your character." I am concerned about the church-apathy infecting my character, but even more concerned by the church without legs.

The question at the pulse of MY church is asking: Why does the world continue to reject Christ? What are they seeing in ME that repels them from eternal life? and the question becomes the verb that propels the Church! Could it be the Bible is right...our evangelism is only as strong as what's inside each of us? And they will know we are Christians by our love?

I WANT to love you, but I don't know how.

Happy Valentine's Day: may love be the real reason for the season!

Skipping Church...Again

I skipped church this morning...again. I'm getting to where I only show 2 weeks a month.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me or why I don't want to go...well I know some of it, but it's the same old, same old.

What makes it even harder is we have become closer with our worship leaders and I know it hurts my friend when I'm not there and somehow that isn't even enough to get me through those doors each week.

It's not that I don't LIKE it. It's just the hunger is gone. The desire is gone. The purpose seems lacking.

Add to that, people are leaving church because they are either embarrassed by stuff they are going through or they feel 'judged'. My problem with that is church SHOULD be the one place we can be completely transparent and receive grace and forgiveness offered to us by our Father.

Sometimes I feel like the whole purpose of church (or the churches we've attended) is so skewed towards 'growth' that everything else becomes secondary. Sure there is always the push for help in the children's ministry or assistance in maintaining the building, but in terms of real fellowship and belonging, it just doesn't seem to be working. At first I thought it was because I was always so drawn to 'start-up' churches, but now I think there's more to it. We've been to churches that are well established and it still feels very fragmented, almost fractured.

Then I find myself making excuses. Sort of like when you break up with someone you weren't 'in love with'. See if this sounds familiar.

"It's not you, it's me."

That's what I think I'm saying to church right now. "I like you as a friend, but just not in 'that' way."

Now where do I go from here?

Just wondering...

Blanket

disclaimer: This is in no way related to Michael Jackson's baby.


At church this weekend the pastor was talking about the beauty of the blanket of snow covering our land right now. He talked about how this snow is to serve as a reminder of how Jesus’ blood purified us making us ‘white as snow’.

Well I can assure you with the exception of the first hours of silent snow falling; NONE of that snow is white. It’s that grey drab dingy snow, nothing pure about it. It’s been walked on, driven on, animals have used it…it’s NOT clean.

Of course as I began to ponder the snow and it’s discoloring God began to speak.

He told me that the blanket becomes dirty and drab because of our own choices. Just like a car pollutes the snow, our lives pollute this blanket we’ve been given.

It doesn’t come across nearly so profound as it did when I heard him whisper it to me on Sunday, but it does remind me today and hopefully in the coming days as we endure the ‘melting phase’ yet again, to take care of that gift from Jesus and to cherish that cleansing and to live my life as a living sacrifice not to the world, but to Him.

Ironically…or not, today’s Scripture on my calendar is: I Corinthians 6:19

"Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who lives in you and was given to you by God. You do not belong to yourself for God bought you with a high price so you must honor God with your body.”

Another one of those reminders that it’s not just the outside, but the inside too! Sounds like it could be a cleansing week for me.


In other news…I read that there is a group of activists strongly opposing waking the groundhog to check for his shadow, as these animals are supposed to hibernate from early November through March.

Apparently Punxsutawney Phil’s handler has stated that this hibernation is not like “Sleeping Beauty”. The animals still get up and eat.

In any event there is some talk about using a computerized model of “Phil” and then some say he hasn’t been that accurate over the past few years anyway, so perhaps he’s not that good an indicator…YOU THINK!

I think I’ll stick to the Farmer’s Almanac who predicted a ‘wetter than normal’ winter for us and lo’ and behold, those Farmers are right on track!

The Thing About Writing...

...is you gotta do it!

I have this inner-voice telling me to "Write-Write!" Then the outer person got so distracted by facebook that I've been an absentee writer. Then it seemed others' around me were living MY DREAM and I realized, I've all but forsaken my love of writing. So, in an effort to hone and honor this gift (God's gift to me, not my gift to this page, LOL) and in an effort not to lose it (refer to Parable of the Talents), I will return to my first love. The blog...the written word.

I've struggled with what to share because as I've mentioned my family is walking directly through hell and frankly I'm not in a position to share all that (confidentiality rules and all). So instead I return to short little blurbs as I find my voice once again, the voice my Father gave me. The voice that when I look back has served me well. It has served as a place of refuge and devotion. It has served as a time of reflection and humor. It has served as my journal. Above all it has been a gift from God.

So...today I'll just throw out this quote that I found on Quotes on Life, a little site that I love, because again I love words and wisdom and quotes are both!

Here is what I have been pondering a couple of days: "You can't control the outer circumstances of your life but you can control how you react to them. That makes you dominant over circumstances." - Anonymous

How true this is. I'm a living example of this right now. It reminds me of what I learned in a sermon about 'joy' once. Joy is our emotional stability. Joy is not the same as Happiness. We can feel happiness as a response to Joy, but happiness can be compromised...joy cannot.

Am I dominant over my circumstances? Yes, most days I'd answer "Yes." Some days; however, I choose to become a victim instead of an author and I allow my circumstances to dominate me and I lose my joy.

Father help me keep this joy you have given me through you Spirit. Help me understand and live in joy daily. Help me not to fall victim to circumstances, rather to rise above and beyond to this higher path you have me on.

Walking

One of my friends at work asked me if I would be interested in training to do a half-marathon this spring. Oklahoma has a big marathon to commemorate the day the city was forever changed by the deeds of a few very ill men. SO at the end of April each year there is a Memorial Marathon. It's become a fairly large event, at least in these parts.

At first I thought she was joking. Ever since she had her newest baby (last July) we hadn't even walked. She had always been my 'break time' walking buddy and we walked laps 30 minutes each day during breaks.

I said, "I'm not running in a marathon." Then she let me in on the secret...you can WALK the marathon...or half marathon in my case.

Okay...so now we're talking. I can walk. I can walk for days!

So we 'joined' a walking club that meets at our large lake each Saturday from Jan 2, 2010 til the race day (no matter HOW cold) and we walk...anywhere from 2-9.5 miles. We are then encouraged to walk during the week at least half each day of what we walk on that Saturday.

The hubs and I were out there that first weekend, it was below freezing, but we walked. We were supposed to go 3 miles, but I could only endure 2. Did I mention it was COLD! We came home and officially registered for the race and $70.00 later (for each one of us), we are NOT giving up til the race is completed.

I've always wondered what those 13.1 stickers are I see on vehicles and now I'm aiming for one of my very own! SO we walk...and walk...and walk.

I have been walking on the Saturday's (5 miles last Saturday) and 2-5 miles each week day. The other part of the goal is to get our miles down to below 15 minutes, so we can complete this 13.1 miles in under 4 hours. So far...it's going okay...we can do probably 17 minute miles, but we're going to work on it.

I've been getting a bit discouraged, because get this, I actually gained 1 pound as of today and that doesn't make me very happy for as devoted as I've been to this exercise and eating right sort of thing. I am convinced my body thinks I'm trying to kill myself and is keeping every calorie I intake as storage for the looming death by exercise and starvation.

The good thing about walking is, as I concentrate on breathing, is I don't think so much about family and therapy and interventions. I don't think about anything but surviving to be honest. And completing this goal of course. You know I tend towards the competitive side and I'm vested financially so I've got to do this thing.

So when you're sleeping in on Saturday morning, think of us marathon trainers at the lake walking...come rain, sun, wind, whatever! Like the postal service only with a better attitude...I hope.

Wordless

I feel a bit like 'Ordinary' when he got to Sanctuary and the Dream Giver asked him to hand over his dream...

I'm not even sure if I have a dream anymore.

I think it's just all the emotional upheaval from family stuff, counselling and over-analyzing every single word I say or decision I made. But lately I just feel like I want to run away...from family, work, church, friends, frankly...everything. Except the hubs of course.

I am trying to find the words, but they just won't come. So I'll close this tonight with a prayer.

Father, help me find you in the midst of all this turmoil and uncertainty. Help me hunger for you and your desires for me. Help me to find the dream you gave me, so that I can surrender it back to you and allow you to use it...and use me.

In Jesus name...
kpjara

Returning To My Roots

It's been awhile, once again. I'll confess I've become ensnared in Facebook and have a hard time finding time to 'blog' on top of it. While it's fun to see everyone on Facebook, I do miss the 'exercise' of writing and having an outlet for all God wants me to process...and lately there is A LOT! I've also seen the negative side of Facebook. I won't go into details.

In any event, I'm here and going to try to commit to writing at least once a week and hopefully more often, because I have so much to process.

On top of the snow storm of 2009, our family experienced an intervention that has torn a scab and leaves the whole family bleeding. We have been going to family counseling and if I am completely honest with you I would say...I HATE counseling. I am not crazy about laying it all out there (and I still hold some of it in), but it's a necessary part of the process and for the person going through this intervention I am hoping and praying it will work.

I thought I'd include some of the snow storm pictures...though for my friends in the north it may not seem like much, but for this 1 snow-plow town (exaggeration, but it seems that way after living in Colorado and this not even affecting school)...it shut us down at Christmas.

Above is the picture in front of our house. There were drifts up to 3 feet tall and cars abandoned all over town for days. The picture below is the 'snow dog' the one with so much hair she loves to roll in it and I guess it cools her nose??? She's about 13, but snow just brings her to life! So I guess that was a good part of that nasty weather. The Farmer's Almanac called it, I should've listened.

Oh Happy Day!

I happened to look at my little ‘earbuds’ today. I guess I had never paid that much attention to them. I bought these ‘discounted’ (under $4.00) at a store solely because they had ‘bling’ on them and they go into the ear instead of ‘sitting’ outside the ear where the only thing I can hear is all the distractions I am trying to block out on a daily basis.

Anyhoo…when I looked closely at these little earbuds…they actually have a tiny R and L for right and left. They look identical in every way. How could they be assigned to an ear and is it MY right and left or my right and left when FACING me.

I tried them in each ear and I think they actually do sound a bit different; however, I had never noticed it before or paid attention to it before. It must be power of suggestion.

I’m going to be diligent to wear them in the assigned ear, so as not to reduce the sound quality…and because, of course, I must follow the rules!

My other observation, which is more of a life lesson, involves a random purchase I made the Saturday after Thanksgiving while shopping for gifts. I think I bought more for myself than anyone else. Let’s just say I’m going to have a number of gifts under the tree from the dogs! I found this little ‘lesson’ in Gordman’s, one of my FAVORITE stores. They have this ‘As Seen on TV’ section I was perusing for strange gifts for a work party, when I found these:

And thought I’d give them a shot.

The first thing you should know is I am NOT double jointed and frankly there should be a disclaimer that states: “If you are unable to reach behind your back and attach the second strap, while holding the 1st strap in position and then slide the device down your back, past the plastic thingamajig that is currently causing the slipping to begin with, you will have NO problem using these devices. If however, you are not double jointed, experience chest pains from exertion, have never done gymnastics, or are over the age of 24, you will be unable to complete this maneuver and should just deal with sliding bra straps or safety pin those things to your clothing. The tape included (as a bonus) DOES NOT WORK to provide more slip control, so please do not attempt this as you may regret the itching and pain and swelling accompanied with their use, not to mention the frustration of having to use the tape if the ‘devices’ would work. You may want to video tape the application effort in for America’s Funniest Video’s, however As Seen On TV will expect a small stipend from any monies earned in the application of this device, in the amount of 37%. Thank you for your purchase and enjoy your product!


I’m sure this ‘inventor’ was a man and never actually attempted to wear one of these. I now have a box full of these (sans the one I tried to use which may just be cursed). I plan on giving them to some unsuspecting family member or anyone who mentions they would like to ‘try’ them. If there are any takers out there in the Blogdom…let me know and I will forward these little babies to you.

I also saw one of these:

And would have purchased it too…but I have a feeling it may not work EXACTLY as they stated and I have a limit on how many As Seen on TV items I indulge in. PLUS, I took one out of the package and was rubbing my hand with it and frankly, I couldn’t see how effective it would be…though, I didn’t put the little sand paper attachments on the device. Yep…it was legitimate sand paper. I’m sure there are different grades, but I’m NOT sure women should ‘sand’ the hair off her legs. I saw an episode of some crime show where the ‘killer’ used a belt-sander on someone’s leg and it tore off part a large part of their skin. WHY would I CHOOSE to do this to myself? With the exception of a few mentally unstable girls/women, I can’t think of one person that would choose to do this. Thought it may be better than the Epi-lady, which I never fell for either!

And so…Oh Happy Day, I am listening to my Christmas tunes, with the earbuds in the correct ear and lamenting my falling bra straps. I probably should just buy a properly fitted bra, but I do NOT want to go for a proper fitting…Nah, I don't think so, I’ve heard those stories...

Sanguine Wanna-Be

I have several acquaintances that are ultra-Sanguine. This is that temperament that has never met a stranger and you are the most important person to them...until someone else comes along. They are comfortable with everyone and always seem so at ease and 'engaged' in conversation.

I also had what I would consider a 'best friend' that is a Sanguine primarily. We had been friends for 27 years and then suddenly she stopped speaking to me. I'm still not exactly sure why, though I'm pretty sure it had to do with our temperament differences. I am much more aggressive and a tad (LOL) moody. She goes with the flow.

In any event, it broke my heart that she won't speak to me.

The thing with Sanguines is they are typically the people you meet first because they are so outgoing! But soon you realize EVERYONE is their best friend and it's sad to be uncertain if they would even be available if you needed them. So in our new church I watch, (honestly) with some envy, the Sanguines and their friends and I wish I could be like them.

I realize in my heart God made us all different for a reason. You see, while Sanguines are awesome at being friendly and outgoing...they don't necessarily feel empathy as deeply as some of the other temperaments and as I mentioned they don't just have a few friends, EVERYONE is their friend (or wants to be).

I am trying to truly embrace who God created me to be and I know, beyond any shadow of doubt, that I am not a Sanguine, alas, and never will be.

From the Middle

I had this odd realization this year that my life is on the last half. I’ll be celebrating my 46th birthday this month and while age has never ‘bothered me’, each passing year does bring the memories of the goals I’ve made along the way…both successes and redirections.

This year my goals are:
Commit to ‘Gathering Women’ and see what God does.
Find and begin pursuing my Dream (job, life, etc).
Take better care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Strive to be a better wife.
…and most importantly…have fun!