With Age Comes...Silence?

I've noticed already that at my current age I'm somewhere past people listening to me and not being heard at all as an 'old' lady.

I've always been an observer of life. Observing relationships, marriage, parenting...all of it really. I remember seeing younger women ignoring older women and not really giving it much thought. Now the closer I get to this age of wisdom, the more I see this reality.

I suppose that's why so many young women repeat failed history...because they don't learn from the women who have already lived it.

Just observations from the edge...

Opportunity Or Failure?

I've decided to leave the ice plant. I actually decided that at the end of last summer. It's just not a good 'fit' (in the words of management training). I am not happy.

I really want to fill the God-Shaped hole with something that He created me for...I just don't want to believe that he intended me to ramble from one job to another searching, searching, searching...for something that seems unattainable.

I know others' who have jobs they were created to do and you can tell immediately the way they light up when they talk about it, or the way they perform that job. I've never felt that way. I think it's been a lifetime of settling and I'm tired of settling.

At first I saw it as opportunity...after opportunity...after opportunity. Now I struggle with feelings of failure. Maybe I'm just a failure at stick-to-it-ness. Maybe I am incapable of committing to something long enough to see if it is the 'fill' for this God-shaped-hole.

Struggling with these feelings as it seems to be a culmination of a long life and a long list of failures, both professionally and personally.

I do THANK GOD for my marriage. I have a husband who encourages me and is faithful and I trust his love.

Thank you God for the joy of this covenant marriage and I pray you would lead these next steps and remove the lies of defeat.

Observations...

I went to a dinner with the women from my church Bible Study tonight. I have had a hard time 'fitting in' with many of these women for the past 12-14 weeks and tonight as I sat at dinner and just observed...I realized I am just not like these women. I know it sounds like a 'pat' answer, but I feel truly out of touch with much of what is discussed.

Yet somehow, we find a way to come together and join our spirits (for a time) and share our experiences (for a time) and grow together. It's still hard to realize I want so much more than this small group can offer or be. I think I'll sit out the next study and maybe do a time of inner-reflection and do the study on my own.

You know what I love about 'blogging' and writing here...is when I have a day that's filled with the daily drudgery and a disappointing evening, I can come to this computer and safely pour it out without judgement from myself or others. I love that this release is my way of letting God know exactly where I am...without the masks, without expectations, without pretense.

I am supposed to be doing a daily entry in an art journal, but I haven't started yet. I guess my 365 days can start on any date. I'm looking forward to this release and hoping it provides direction and release.

A Time to End

I have a feeling my position in ice may soon be ending. Nothing concrete...just a feeling. Looking forward to a career and not just settling with jobs.

More on this later...time to go to make ice...for now.

Dashing...

It's a new year and with it brings feelings of anticipation and renewed hope. I love that like our limitless supply of grace and mercy we also get a new day and a new year with some regularity.

Our message at church this weekend was about what we are doing with the 'dash'...that time between birth and death...that is represented by a dash on our tombstone.

Pastorman reminded that it is futile to try to fill our dash with things (food, jobs, even kids)...if we allow God to show us how to fill the dash we will have a much more fulfilled and JOY filled life and living the purpose God designed us for.

The first step for me is the job. I cannot continue to work at this place where I feel no passion whatsoever about the outcome. I have got to find a job that I feel passionate about...the job that God created me to do.

Whether it's artistic in nature directly or through written word or through helping others...it is out there and I will selectively find it...with His help of course.

So, I set about 2012 in search of my God given purpose, in terms of my career.

Let's see where this ends...and 2012 begins.

On Empty

My tanks are just on empty lately. Pretty sure it's post-holiday stuff...and I want it to end.

It's one of those times when you know what you need to do to get out of it, but you don't even want to do that.

So my mind just keeps replaying all these things:
weight gain from holiday...
lack of energy leading to less 'moving'...
family drama after Christmas...
frustration with lack of volunteers and lack of communication at church...
wanting a new job but feeling like I failed at this 1 year stint...
not even wanting to open my Bible for answers or encouragement...
feeling like weeks will never end only to face a weekend of emptiness...

I am in a funk and need to get out of it.

Lord, please fill me with YOU...so I can dump this junk and move forward. I do NOT want to sit in this cesspool any longer and while I realize it is within my power to choose, I'm struggling.

It's beginning to feel a lot less like Christmas

Made it through Christmas without much adieu...but then the day after I was slammed with family emotion that continues to be so 'pushed down' that when it is triggered it becomes this huge ugly ordeal. My poor husband never knows how to react (because is SO non-confrontational), but this is the way my family disagrees.

It was ugly, it was uncomfortable, and it always serves to ruin a holiday.

I just can't do it anymore. I let my mom know I wouldn't be spending anymore Christmases with the extended family...it is just too important a holiday (to me) to have it belittled and 'ruined' by emotional vomit.

Paul and I had been discussing for some time visiting beaches or traveling over Christmas holiday because we have no children and these holiday gatherings are routinely so stressful. We got our passports this year and will start a new holiday travel tradition.

Hope your holiday was better than mine...

I Know How You Feel

I doubt it!

That's the first thing that pops into my head ANYTIME I heard that phrase. Regardless of what is going on, my situation is unique to me. My feelings are unique to me. I'm not sure if it separates us in our uniqueness or if it unites us in our shared emotion, but I do KNOW you have no idea how I feel.

This came up at a Bible study last night and I've been mulling it around in my head a bit. I volunteered with a few different agencies over the years and one of the first things you learn is what NOT to say to help de-escalate a volatile situation. What NOT to say is probably even more important than what TO say.

God is still working on me with this lesson, but I will say it gets a bit easier with age because not only do people quit asking what you think, but they don't always listen when you offer the wisdom of ages. I have always been an observer and listener, but I do speak. I'm hoping I can remember God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.

Happy Listening!

Independence Day?

Independence is one of those things that I worked so hard to attain as a young, highly-spirited (aka: opinionated), restless, judgmental child. I just knew when I could finally do things MY way and do what I wanted and be who I wanted and say what I wanted...everything would be better.

When people would ask what quality I was most proud of in myself...it was almost always my independence. I didn't NEED anyone and I thought that was a good thing.

Honestly, how deep can a friendship go if you don't ever need someone? How big is your faith in God if you don't admit you need Him? I had convinced myself that others (and GOD) had bigger problems to deal with and I could handle all mine all by myself! Sounds like a 4-y.o. doesn't it.

It took me some time to realize it was okay to depend on others...and it is a REQUIREMENT to lean on God. There is no release without confession, there is no strength without weakness. I decided I need to celebrate my DEPENDENCE Day! The day I finally decided to depend on God for everything!

It is a process for me, and one I honestly struggle with daily (even at my ripening age). I know I need some 'knee-time' when I start thinking I don't NEED any one's help.

As I celebrate this Independence Day, I will be reminding myself for me...it's all about Dependence Day!

What's Your Word?

I have this little bowl of 'angel' cards I have had for some time now. They are little cards with a small picture of an angel an a word to meditate on for the day. It helps me to focus on something other than myself and really contemplate on what God is pulling from me each day.

I have recently been drawing some 'tough' ones for me, but today I drew "BIRTH". I have never drawn this card before. I've had these cards literally at least 13 years and have NEVER drawn this card.

It means a lot to me. It means, memories, newness, cleansing. It honestly reminds me of my salvation and the love God has for me. It reminds me of the plan He has for my life. It reminds me of HIS reminder that His grace and mercy is new everyday. I am literally reborn everyday into his grace and mercy. I get a chance every day to show my love for Him through others and through my devotion to Him and His calling on my life...a life of unmerited favor and forgiveness. That is ALL good.

Don't get me wrong, some days I fail miserably in this venture. But I get to wake up tomorrow with NEW grace and mercy from Him.

It's a good place to be...

Prayer and Waiting

Once again I have taken far too long a hiatus from writing and my mind begins to wilt a bit when I consider not writing and then again when I sit down to actually put fingers to keys.

That said, I am here to update and say that I am entering a time of prayer. I believe it's going to be a bit more than my usual conversations with God that are far more random in topic. This is going to be a time of intense prayer for my church, the women, leadership, discipleship program, children's ministry...basically everything about the church I am attending.

I am expecting God to show up and reveal himself in a big way. I am expecting God to speak to me and give me visions and dreams and direction...but in the words of S-M-A...even if he doesn't...it doesn't make him any less GOD! Somehow I'm pretty sure he will!

I have been tempted to close this blog down and 'start again', but this is my journey and coming here is usually like coming home. You get that great feeling of something familiar and wonderful!

I put so much pressure on myself, that sometimes I doubt the words I have to say even mean much anymore, but God assures me He still desires to chat with me a much more regular basis and so I return...again...and hope that something that comes from the heart will make its way onto this place.

Now if I could just master the Html coding and change up the look a bit...

A New Year

Once again I have been absent from the blogdom for a long, long time (in word years anyway). I've been hanging out on facebook and while it doesn't offer the forum for writing freely like the blog does, it has reconnected me with many old friends.

I've still been enjoying the new job and since I reside in Snowklahoma have had about 7 days off this winter as 'snow days'. Today is one of those day.

Got a new Accounting Clerk and things are like brand new around the place. She is energetic, creative, funny, and a really quick 'learner'. It is like night and day from the days when I first started. Of course, add to that, I have learned much more about manufacturing and the ice business specifically and route accounting, while challenging, is fairly straightforward.

I have such good intentions of getting back to writing but sometimes feel like the urge to write is lying dormant. I guess I'll see if I can get on here more often and at least check out what other people are writing. I miss the words.