Blanket

disclaimer: This is in no way related to Michael Jackson's baby.


At church this weekend the pastor was talking about the beauty of the blanket of snow covering our land right now. He talked about how this snow is to serve as a reminder of how Jesus’ blood purified us making us ‘white as snow’.

Well I can assure you with the exception of the first hours of silent snow falling; NONE of that snow is white. It’s that grey drab dingy snow, nothing pure about it. It’s been walked on, driven on, animals have used it…it’s NOT clean.

Of course as I began to ponder the snow and it’s discoloring God began to speak.

He told me that the blanket becomes dirty and drab because of our own choices. Just like a car pollutes the snow, our lives pollute this blanket we’ve been given.

It doesn’t come across nearly so profound as it did when I heard him whisper it to me on Sunday, but it does remind me today and hopefully in the coming days as we endure the ‘melting phase’ yet again, to take care of that gift from Jesus and to cherish that cleansing and to live my life as a living sacrifice not to the world, but to Him.

Ironically…or not, today’s Scripture on my calendar is: I Corinthians 6:19

"Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who lives in you and was given to you by God. You do not belong to yourself for God bought you with a high price so you must honor God with your body.”

Another one of those reminders that it’s not just the outside, but the inside too! Sounds like it could be a cleansing week for me.


In other news…I read that there is a group of activists strongly opposing waking the groundhog to check for his shadow, as these animals are supposed to hibernate from early November through March.

Apparently Punxsutawney Phil’s handler has stated that this hibernation is not like “Sleeping Beauty”. The animals still get up and eat.

In any event there is some talk about using a computerized model of “Phil” and then some say he hasn’t been that accurate over the past few years anyway, so perhaps he’s not that good an indicator…YOU THINK!

I think I’ll stick to the Farmer’s Almanac who predicted a ‘wetter than normal’ winter for us and lo’ and behold, those Farmers are right on track!

The Thing About Writing...

...is you gotta do it!

I have this inner-voice telling me to "Write-Write!" Then the outer person got so distracted by facebook that I've been an absentee writer. Then it seemed others' around me were living MY DREAM and I realized, I've all but forsaken my love of writing. So, in an effort to hone and honor this gift (God's gift to me, not my gift to this page, LOL) and in an effort not to lose it (refer to Parable of the Talents), I will return to my first love. The blog...the written word.

I've struggled with what to share because as I've mentioned my family is walking directly through hell and frankly I'm not in a position to share all that (confidentiality rules and all). So instead I return to short little blurbs as I find my voice once again, the voice my Father gave me. The voice that when I look back has served me well. It has served as a place of refuge and devotion. It has served as a time of reflection and humor. It has served as my journal. Above all it has been a gift from God.

So...today I'll just throw out this quote that I found on Quotes on Life, a little site that I love, because again I love words and wisdom and quotes are both!

Here is what I have been pondering a couple of days: "You can't control the outer circumstances of your life but you can control how you react to them. That makes you dominant over circumstances." - Anonymous

How true this is. I'm a living example of this right now. It reminds me of what I learned in a sermon about 'joy' once. Joy is our emotional stability. Joy is not the same as Happiness. We can feel happiness as a response to Joy, but happiness can be compromised...joy cannot.

Am I dominant over my circumstances? Yes, most days I'd answer "Yes." Some days; however, I choose to become a victim instead of an author and I allow my circumstances to dominate me and I lose my joy.

Father help me keep this joy you have given me through you Spirit. Help me understand and live in joy daily. Help me not to fall victim to circumstances, rather to rise above and beyond to this higher path you have me on.

Walking

One of my friends at work asked me if I would be interested in training to do a half-marathon this spring. Oklahoma has a big marathon to commemorate the day the city was forever changed by the deeds of a few very ill men. SO at the end of April each year there is a Memorial Marathon. It's become a fairly large event, at least in these parts.

At first I thought she was joking. Ever since she had her newest baby (last July) we hadn't even walked. She had always been my 'break time' walking buddy and we walked laps 30 minutes each day during breaks.

I said, "I'm not running in a marathon." Then she let me in on the secret...you can WALK the marathon...or half marathon in my case.

Okay...so now we're talking. I can walk. I can walk for days!

So we 'joined' a walking club that meets at our large lake each Saturday from Jan 2, 2010 til the race day (no matter HOW cold) and we walk...anywhere from 2-9.5 miles. We are then encouraged to walk during the week at least half each day of what we walk on that Saturday.

The hubs and I were out there that first weekend, it was below freezing, but we walked. We were supposed to go 3 miles, but I could only endure 2. Did I mention it was COLD! We came home and officially registered for the race and $70.00 later (for each one of us), we are NOT giving up til the race is completed.

I've always wondered what those 13.1 stickers are I see on vehicles and now I'm aiming for one of my very own! SO we walk...and walk...and walk.

I have been walking on the Saturday's (5 miles last Saturday) and 2-5 miles each week day. The other part of the goal is to get our miles down to below 15 minutes, so we can complete this 13.1 miles in under 4 hours. So far...it's going okay...we can do probably 17 minute miles, but we're going to work on it.

I've been getting a bit discouraged, because get this, I actually gained 1 pound as of today and that doesn't make me very happy for as devoted as I've been to this exercise and eating right sort of thing. I am convinced my body thinks I'm trying to kill myself and is keeping every calorie I intake as storage for the looming death by exercise and starvation.

The good thing about walking is, as I concentrate on breathing, is I don't think so much about family and therapy and interventions. I don't think about anything but surviving to be honest. And completing this goal of course. You know I tend towards the competitive side and I'm vested financially so I've got to do this thing.

So when you're sleeping in on Saturday morning, think of us marathon trainers at the lake walking...come rain, sun, wind, whatever! Like the postal service only with a better attitude...I hope.

Wordless

I feel a bit like 'Ordinary' when he got to Sanctuary and the Dream Giver asked him to hand over his dream...

I'm not even sure if I have a dream anymore.

I think it's just all the emotional upheaval from family stuff, counselling and over-analyzing every single word I say or decision I made. But lately I just feel like I want to run away...from family, work, church, friends, frankly...everything. Except the hubs of course.

I am trying to find the words, but they just won't come. So I'll close this tonight with a prayer.

Father, help me find you in the midst of all this turmoil and uncertainty. Help me hunger for you and your desires for me. Help me to find the dream you gave me, so that I can surrender it back to you and allow you to use it...and use me.

In Jesus name...
kpjara

Returning To My Roots

It's been awhile, once again. I'll confess I've become ensnared in Facebook and have a hard time finding time to 'blog' on top of it. While it's fun to see everyone on Facebook, I do miss the 'exercise' of writing and having an outlet for all God wants me to process...and lately there is A LOT! I've also seen the negative side of Facebook. I won't go into details.

In any event, I'm here and going to try to commit to writing at least once a week and hopefully more often, because I have so much to process.

On top of the snow storm of 2009, our family experienced an intervention that has torn a scab and leaves the whole family bleeding. We have been going to family counseling and if I am completely honest with you I would say...I HATE counseling. I am not crazy about laying it all out there (and I still hold some of it in), but it's a necessary part of the process and for the person going through this intervention I am hoping and praying it will work.

I thought I'd include some of the snow storm pictures...though for my friends in the north it may not seem like much, but for this 1 snow-plow town (exaggeration, but it seems that way after living in Colorado and this not even affecting school)...it shut us down at Christmas.

Above is the picture in front of our house. There were drifts up to 3 feet tall and cars abandoned all over town for days. The picture below is the 'snow dog' the one with so much hair she loves to roll in it and I guess it cools her nose??? She's about 13, but snow just brings her to life! So I guess that was a good part of that nasty weather. The Farmer's Almanac called it, I should've listened.

Oh Happy Day!

I happened to look at my little ‘earbuds’ today. I guess I had never paid that much attention to them. I bought these ‘discounted’ (under $4.00) at a store solely because they had ‘bling’ on them and they go into the ear instead of ‘sitting’ outside the ear where the only thing I can hear is all the distractions I am trying to block out on a daily basis.

Anyhoo…when I looked closely at these little earbuds…they actually have a tiny R and L for right and left. They look identical in every way. How could they be assigned to an ear and is it MY right and left or my right and left when FACING me.

I tried them in each ear and I think they actually do sound a bit different; however, I had never noticed it before or paid attention to it before. It must be power of suggestion.

I’m going to be diligent to wear them in the assigned ear, so as not to reduce the sound quality…and because, of course, I must follow the rules!

My other observation, which is more of a life lesson, involves a random purchase I made the Saturday after Thanksgiving while shopping for gifts. I think I bought more for myself than anyone else. Let’s just say I’m going to have a number of gifts under the tree from the dogs! I found this little ‘lesson’ in Gordman’s, one of my FAVORITE stores. They have this ‘As Seen on TV’ section I was perusing for strange gifts for a work party, when I found these:

And thought I’d give them a shot.

The first thing you should know is I am NOT double jointed and frankly there should be a disclaimer that states: “If you are unable to reach behind your back and attach the second strap, while holding the 1st strap in position and then slide the device down your back, past the plastic thingamajig that is currently causing the slipping to begin with, you will have NO problem using these devices. If however, you are not double jointed, experience chest pains from exertion, have never done gymnastics, or are over the age of 24, you will be unable to complete this maneuver and should just deal with sliding bra straps or safety pin those things to your clothing. The tape included (as a bonus) DOES NOT WORK to provide more slip control, so please do not attempt this as you may regret the itching and pain and swelling accompanied with their use, not to mention the frustration of having to use the tape if the ‘devices’ would work. You may want to video tape the application effort in for America’s Funniest Video’s, however As Seen On TV will expect a small stipend from any monies earned in the application of this device, in the amount of 37%. Thank you for your purchase and enjoy your product!


I’m sure this ‘inventor’ was a man and never actually attempted to wear one of these. I now have a box full of these (sans the one I tried to use which may just be cursed). I plan on giving them to some unsuspecting family member or anyone who mentions they would like to ‘try’ them. If there are any takers out there in the Blogdom…let me know and I will forward these little babies to you.

I also saw one of these:

And would have purchased it too…but I have a feeling it may not work EXACTLY as they stated and I have a limit on how many As Seen on TV items I indulge in. PLUS, I took one out of the package and was rubbing my hand with it and frankly, I couldn’t see how effective it would be…though, I didn’t put the little sand paper attachments on the device. Yep…it was legitimate sand paper. I’m sure there are different grades, but I’m NOT sure women should ‘sand’ the hair off her legs. I saw an episode of some crime show where the ‘killer’ used a belt-sander on someone’s leg and it tore off part a large part of their skin. WHY would I CHOOSE to do this to myself? With the exception of a few mentally unstable girls/women, I can’t think of one person that would choose to do this. Thought it may be better than the Epi-lady, which I never fell for either!

And so…Oh Happy Day, I am listening to my Christmas tunes, with the earbuds in the correct ear and lamenting my falling bra straps. I probably should just buy a properly fitted bra, but I do NOT want to go for a proper fitting…Nah, I don't think so, I’ve heard those stories...

Sanguine Wanna-Be

I have several acquaintances that are ultra-Sanguine. This is that temperament that has never met a stranger and you are the most important person to them...until someone else comes along. They are comfortable with everyone and always seem so at ease and 'engaged' in conversation.

I also had what I would consider a 'best friend' that is a Sanguine primarily. We had been friends for 27 years and then suddenly she stopped speaking to me. I'm still not exactly sure why, though I'm pretty sure it had to do with our temperament differences. I am much more aggressive and a tad (LOL) moody. She goes with the flow.

In any event, it broke my heart that she won't speak to me.

The thing with Sanguines is they are typically the people you meet first because they are so outgoing! But soon you realize EVERYONE is their best friend and it's sad to be uncertain if they would even be available if you needed them. So in our new church I watch, (honestly) with some envy, the Sanguines and their friends and I wish I could be like them.

I realize in my heart God made us all different for a reason. You see, while Sanguines are awesome at being friendly and outgoing...they don't necessarily feel empathy as deeply as some of the other temperaments and as I mentioned they don't just have a few friends, EVERYONE is their friend (or wants to be).

I am trying to truly embrace who God created me to be and I know, beyond any shadow of doubt, that I am not a Sanguine, alas, and never will be.

From the Middle

I had this odd realization this year that my life is on the last half. I’ll be celebrating my 46th birthday this month and while age has never ‘bothered me’, each passing year does bring the memories of the goals I’ve made along the way…both successes and redirections.

This year my goals are:
Commit to ‘Gathering Women’ and see what God does.
Find and begin pursuing my Dream (job, life, etc).
Take better care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Strive to be a better wife.
…and most importantly…have fun!

On a Rant...

I’m tired of people who complain, but never have any solutions.

I’m tired of people who are late everywhere they go.

I’m tired of people who don’t use signals while driving.

I’m tired of people who don’t work at their marriage and wonder why they’re struggling.

I’m tired of political labeling and prejudice.

I’m tired of religion.

I’m tired of laws created to protect that result in anarchy.

I’m tired of turning my head to every injustice in the world.

I’m tired of excuses.

I’m tired of this week.

And now I’ll go face my day and hear the complaints. I’ll forgive the tardy and the person who turns without signaling. I’ll listen to someone about their struggling marriage. I’ll turn off the television during political commercials and news. I’ll focus on God and not religion. I’ll vote, when I can, against laws that are created and written to be ineffective. I’ll pray for injustice. I’ll make it through this week.

WOW! I had no idea what all was going on in my head until I sat down to journal it. I had a disagreement with my father last night and ended up leaving before it got too heated from my side. But my father was screaming at me as I left. Then something happened that had never happened before…when I got home from church last night I checked my email and he emailed me an apology. That’s a first. I didn’t know what to do with all these feelings I’m having and struggling with and since I don’t see a counselor I figured...BLOG!

And now I understand why I heard a devotional yesterday that at the very end said…

My Faith is small,
My God is GREAT!

Inside-Out

There is this tree outside our office window that is ‘going through the change’. I guess I’ve never noticed it before but it changes its colors from the inside out. The leaves closest to the trunk are bright red and orange and yellow. The leaves on the outside are still bright green.

As with so many of my ‘life lessons’, it got me thinking…

This tree is like I am. My beauty comes from my inside. The more whole and full my heart and soul are (the inside), the more beautiful I become on the outside. My outer ‘branches’ are still a bit green and less unique, but they are also less easily broken and act as a protective barrier to the more beautiful, yet fragile inside.

I realize that soon I will have to ‘give up’ these beautiful, fragile leaves as they fall to the ground and my trunk prepares for a long rest and then re-budding in the spring. I realize that my ‘tree of life’ goes through seasons exactly like this little tree does. I, too, go through times of molting and changing and rest and restoration and new growth. I will lose some leaves in the storms of life. I will sometimes flower and be surrounded by other life. I am sometimes praised for my beauty and sometimes ignored when I am bare.

Underneath the ground, my roots are growing stronger and larger. Each spring I come back a little bit stronger after weathering the seemingly endless winter cold. Each spring I am less ‘bothered’ by the winds and storms. I am stronger and know that each of these seasons in life are not without purpose.

I know if I am not cared for and pruned and watered I will die before my time. I know that I rely on my Creator and His creation to care for me. I know that I will not live forever, but I will live as long as I am supposed to live. I will leave behind a memory and a certainty that I was here…that I grew and knew life. I will know that my seeds created or encouraged or enabled others’ to live. I will know that my life had purpose and that my beauty was absolutely from the inside-out.

Knock-Knock-Knock

“Hello! Is anyone there?” I thought as the door to my heart reverberated from someone knocking.

I had just experienced the incredible freedom that comes from seeing the fruit of much prayer and planning, preparation, and pause as Gathering Women kicked off last night. I could finally exhale. The women DID in fact come and we shared a meal, we had a few laughs and we immediately began to identify the various personalities accounted for; from the all-too-loveable, to the extremely shy & introverted, and everything in between. I felt the anointed on the prayers and felt completely at ease sharing my heart and hope for this group.

My very best girlfriend came as a guest (and I hope she will come as often as she can), even though she attends a different church and it made it so much easier to share just knowing she was in my corner as vulnerable as I was feeling. She stayed after and we got to sit and visit about how things went and what to try differently.

The hubs came home and shortly thereafter my dear friend headed for home and we went to bed. I tossed and turned not in uncertainty, rather in restlessness as my mind raced with thoughts and ideas about this ministry. I finally succumbed to exhaustion after 11:30 pm, realizing today is my ‘early’ day at work.

The knocking actually started while I was tossing and turning last night. I ignored it because I knew how important it was that I get some rest. It then resumed first thing this morning and I made a huge mistake…I answered without checking to see who was there.

Yep it was him, the evil one! He just started in about how incapable I was of doing anything at this church or any church. He told me I should just keep my mouth closed and not share and leave these women alone. They don’t want to hear what I have to say and if they do, there is someone much more eloquent and knowledgeable then me.

I’m telling you…he never rests. Obviously I realized I would be under attack, he works overtime on anything we desire to do for God. I’m sure these attacks will continue, but right now I’m absolutely certain that only solidifies my initial certainty that I am exactly on track with what God desires for Gathering Women!

Happy ‘Satan-Free’ Friday!

Gathering Women

God spoke, every ‘t’ is crossed, every ‘i’ is dotted, Pastoral meetings have been held, scheduling has been nofified, a logo has been created (commercial to be postponed until voice over is available), prayer requests made, invitations distributed, and this Thursday…@ 6:30 pm, Gathering Women begins!

It’s amazing to me the amount of time and work that goes into this ministry. I’m pretty sure it would have been fine with the God speaks…Prayer spoken…ministry begins, but I have long since learned in being a part of many a ‘start-up’ church that church is as much a business as it is a place of worship.

The seed is planted (this is the baby sister of the group I always talk about CAYA-Come As You Are) and I’m so ready for it to bloom into the beautiful buds of new friendship and a full-fledged garden of every beautiful thing each woman will bring. I’m truly hoping it will be a place of love, accountability, mentorship, freedom, worship and above all else…ministry!

Prayers appreciated!