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Monday, June 22, 2009

Lessons from the Folding Chair for Start-Up Churches

Disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this post are obviously my own, & any names used in this post may be changed to protect the innocent.

I was chatting with the hubs yesterday about my continued disillusionment from the many churches we’ve attended. We have a fairly good church right now and I have long since come to realize there will NEVER be a PERFECT church. I refuse to believe, however; that God wouldn’t have THE church for the KPJARA family. That said, I want to share a few things with those of you who may have any influence within your churches or those of you who just need a humorous distraction for a couple of minutes.

Lesson #1: Gun-toting greeters do not make for a very welcoming experience.

Lesson #2: When the pastor needs a body guard, I do not feel safe. Surely you don’t feel you need to protect him or her from ME!

Lesson #3: When the front row is within a pastor ‘spit zone’, you may want to rethink that chair arrangement (particularly with the H1N1 pandemic).

Lesson #4: A pastor who is the greeter, lead worshipper, usher, accountant, and teacher has a control issue.

Lesson #5: Just like our mothers’ used to say: If people don’t like you, you may want to look at yourself, before pointing the finger at everyone else. (In other words: if the church isn’t growing, it’s not ME it’s probably YOU).

Lesson #6: Serving Popcorn at a service does not make it okay to have only a movie screen pastor.

Lesson #7: If over half of the congregants are yawning, you may want to move directly to the closing prayer.

Lesson #8: On Communion Sunday, please have someone pick up the little cups, since there are no holders on the folding chair backs. Oh and please stop breaking up Styrofoam cups to serve as the “body”; I don’t think it makes Jesus very happy.

Lesson #9: If you are going to do video announcements, please do a spell check prior to service…and the bulletin as well.

Lesson #10: Please perform all mike checks before service.

Lesson #11: The folding chairs do not need to touch each other, we are going to move them over a little anyway, so you might as well give us space to begin with and maybe there wouldn’t be so many empty seats between us as we vie for our personal space.

Lesson #12: Please do not compromise OR ignore the word of God to make me feel better. I have come for the truth; not a personal story, comedy show, lecture, etc.

Lesson #13: When volunteers ASK to help, don’t ignore them, and don’t try to force them into a service that isn’t their ‘gift’ (you will both regret it).

Lesson #14: Teaching is a gift, not a job.

Lesson #15: Don’t name your church on a whim. If your church is called “The Most AWESOME Church in town”, I have HIGH expectations and am let down easily. If you are the MOST AWESOME Church in town, I’ll know from my visit.

...just a few lesson from the folding chair.

1 comment:

Sally said...

Kim, this is brilliant, thank you I needed a smile this morning, sorry I haven't visited your blog lately!