Underdog....where are you?

I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon of "causes". In my flesh, I'm one of the more cynical and hardened souls you will encounter. Part of my transformation from flesh to Christianity, has been a softening of my heart towards others, specifically those that cannot fight their own battles effectively. This is the Holy Spirit, trust me on this!

Over the past weeks 'causes' have bombarded my heart. I'm sure it's the enemy trying to overwhelm my "transformed heart" with defeating thoughts and feelings of desperation. That overwhelming sense that nothing I do will matter anyway, it's just a drop of water in a VERY LARGE ocean.

I have heard and witnessed tales of horror in our public schools. I, with every other driving American, have experienced gas cost increases and in-flux pricing while the oil companies net the largest profits in history. I have experienced road rage as I jockey for position during for my morning commute to and from work each day. I have watched, through shielded eyes, the poverty that sweeps our nation and starvation that riddles our children each night. I have seen acts of abuse against childhood and our very freedom. I have seen personal wars waged against homosexuality in the name of God, based in prejudice and lack of knowledge. I continue to hear of atrocities in other countries against Christians. I, myself, have experienced a level of oppression as a women in the southwest. The cause that has finally pierced my heart is our current healthcare situation.

HIPAA laws, the newest 'trend' in healthcare, were SUPPOSEDLY developed to further protect patient information and provide a sense of security with regards to diagnoses prejudice. Perhaps due to ignorance and a real "fear" of retribution, healthcare providers have gone "over the top" with these laws to protect themselves, which ultimately could end up harming a patient. This is not the worst of it. Recently, a dear friend from my church has faced a healthcare crisis with her own daughter following a near fatal car accident. Initially, she struggled to just gain information from the multiple member trauma team due to her "adopted mother" status and this child's age of 18.

Now, an even MORE appalling truth has been uncovered. The patient is semi-conscious, PRAISE GOD, but unable to verbally communicate, and has fallen out of her hospital bed several times. The mother was informed that it is the families responsibility to provide 24/7 coverage for this patient. This is the part that appalls me!

We pay more and more and more and more for insurance coverage, yet the services covered and provided are fewer and fewer and fewer and fewer. Are we so numbed as a nation, that we will continue to watch healthcare spiral out of control until we are immediately affected by a tragedy and watch the compromising of care occur firsthand? I hope NOT!

In the midst of our deepest tragedies, we are seeking a helper. We are seeking someone with KNOWLEDGE and compassion and a heart to heal. In my experience, there is only one who fits this definition. He is God. He is our Father. He is our Healer. He is the Great Physician. He is our creator!

So HOW does God do this. Well, one way...is through us. He uses us as His conduit. We see this throughout the New Testament, but primarily in Paul's letter to the Ephesians. God has enabled us all, through gifts, to HELP one another, to walk as the Body of Christ. We are NOT to turn a blind eye to the atrocities around us. We are NOT to judge one another and tear one another down for our differences. We ARE to walk as a body and talk as a body and be ONE as a body.

What am I going to do? Well, initially I am going to email everyone I know to try to form an alliance of people, all ages, that are willing to give even one hour a week to go and sit with someone that is sick, to go and provide this much needed assistance to others that are struggling to deal with tragedy, illness and staying afloat financially. Above that, I am going to write my congressman. I am going to request information from insurance companies about this compromised care. I will petition, if necessary, our local government to at least use some of my tax dollars to "investigate" this problem. My cynical self is already reprimanding me for caring. Satan is already reminding me that I will get some "automated" response and not to bother with it. But, GOD is reassuring me, as tears run down my face, that He will hold my hand through this and be my greatest champion! I'm not asking you to take on any causes in this diatribe...I am asking you to feel SOMETHING and for many of us, we will only feel something once God has taken up residence within our hearts.

To here from there

I guess as with any good story, mine has a starting point and I am going to try to share how I got here.

Not too long ago, I was journaling and wrote a passage that holds true still today and it's not only representative of many of the "stone of remembrance" that God has me keeping, but also of thoughts and feelings that help define me.

I remember…

What happened to that girl that loved to play outside...
What happened to that girl that longed to see the world through the rose glasses…
What happened to that girl that believed her daddy would “save her from harm” and make all the hurt go away…

I remember being young and having strong feelings about so many things…I remember facing injustices and judgment for my physical “failings”. For lack of blonde hair, for lack of large breasts, for lack of tanned skin…I remember trying to alter my self to make “corrections” for these shortcomings…I remember it never being enough. I remember feelings of such failure for something so trivial, yet something, at that time, that could make or break your very social life.

I remember never having a date on a Friday or Saturday night. I remember my friends starting to date and that’s all they talked about. I remember wondering what it meant…”I would grow into myself”…I remember wondering if I was a loser. I remember wondering why I was ugly. I remember wondering, what’s wrong with me? I remember wondering if I’d ever fit in. I remember sacrificing my beliefs and values to try to fit in. I remember feeling sick about it. I remember self-judgment was worse than peer judgment. I remember hating my self.

I remember the summer I finally got a boyfriend. I remember how it felt to hold his hand and to kiss him. I remember how sweet it was being “in love”. I remember our song. I remember how it felt when we were apart. I remember when we broke up. I remember still loving him. I remember hearing later that he was gay. I remember hearing he died of AIDS in the 90’s. I remember crying for him. I remember hoping he had met the Lord. I remember feeling peace that he was safe in the arms of the Father.

I remember going to college and finding some real friends. I remember how we were all different. I remember how we began to embrace the differences. I remember crossing racial barriers. I remember my parents’ reaction to this. I remember the evolution of my values and ethics, personally designated. I remember the dissolution of beliefs, values, ethics that were placed in me by parental guidance. I remember beginning to question everything…openly! I remember getting some answers that didn’t “jive” and letting them go. I remember the realization that I was a “thinker”. I remember realizing I was intelligent and gifted in many ways. I remember college reminding me I wasn’t the only gifted person and definitely not the most intelligent and it was OKAY! I remember embracing myself and my strengths and weaknesses.

I remember my first job and the thought “this is what I went to college for?” I remember being so disenchanted with the “working” world. I remember feeling already so defeated and ensnared by the drudgery of it all, 8-5 Monday through Friday, no summers off…..good grief!

I remember so many things….and while they will always be a part of who I am now…they do NOT define me now.

NOW, I see God created me with a purpose and a plan. I have endured some pain, to grow and mature and endure greater pain.

I have dealt with some pain and judgment in order to learn NOT to judge others…and NOT to cause pain to others.

I have had to do things alone and struggling, to learn the value of helping and serving.

I have seen, first hand, hate and prejudice, so that I would repel from the very thought of that from my own life.

I have heard disparaging things so that I would learn to rope my tongue.

I have seen vile and evil things so that I would arm others with God’s truth and beauty and learn compassion and love.

I have seen and heard of unwanted pregnancy and been numbed by abortions so that I would value life and see each life as a gift from God.

I have remembered my life…so that I could grow into the person God created, taking my memories, learning from each one, and holding on to hope for a better tomorrow!

Today I write...

Today I started this blog as a venue for putting my rambling thoughts down to save, ponder, remember or discuss. I am passionate about words and meaning. I don't get impressed with over intellectualizing, rather I get impressed with someone or something that fires the neurons of my brain with new thoughts or new ideas that I hadn't considered til now.

I am seeking growth through this experience. I am hoping to put into words, my personal "journey" with God.

I am 42 years old. I am at an age where I feel certain that what I do to earn an income is NOT what defines me. It is NOT my passion, it is NOT even my desire. It IS, however, where God has placed me for "such a time as this" to encourage, to grow through endurance, and to experience a level of "thirst" and "hunger" for God that I have never before reached.

If you make it here...tell me if what you DO to earn a living, is your passion. If not, why not? What is our purpose here if not to live our passion? This is my questions today.