Observations

It's Thursday.

I'm ready for Friday.

I am trying to get everything ready for my 6 week deadline before surgery.

I don't know if I'll get it all done.

I feel very out of control of things.

I still can't find any strong sense of where God is in this whole thing.

I never feel 'heard' by my father when my brother is in town.

I feel completely overshadowed when my sister is in town.

These feelings continue to feed in me a sense that independence is the safest place.

I'm tired of being safe.

I think sometimes people see me as unfriendly, when they haven't even scaled the walls.

Thank God for my husband.

He's helping me stay on track.

I'm hanging on...

Dying to Serve

I won't mince words when I say: I HATE War! I will never, ever understand the purpose of killing people over land, politics, etc. I didn't understand it in the Old Testament and I don't understand it today.

That said, a Pastor shared yesterday that many of these people are serving God through protecting our country and the freedoms our country was founded on: Life, Liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness.

I will try never to take for granted the soldiers that have protected these freedoms for me. I will continue to pray for solutions other than mass deaths, but I will continue to respect those brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers who are not here today because they have a call of service many of us will never have to experience.

God Bless these men and women today and EVERY day!

Call Waiting

My brother and Sister-in-Law are in town and we had dinner with them last night (just the 4 of us). That's HUGE considering my father really likes to spend time with my Brother when he's in town. They live on the East coast and rarely make it out to the heartland.

My brother and SIL are both Pastors. They aren't officially Pastoring a church currently, and they've had some of the same struggles and challenges I've faced in the church-search. They asked me some fairly straightforward questions about where I am with my 'calling'.

You see, it was a few short years ago when I really felt 'called' to serve God in a 'pastoral' role. Anyone who has followed me through the years knows I've struggled with conventional church and traditional church leadership. In the meantime, as I search and 'settle' for THE church, it becomes clearer and clearer that the places I 'land' are not doing me or anyone any good.

I can serve and try to get involved, but it is just empty. It's like hollow chocolate. It looks lovely but the flavor doesn't last and it's a bit waxy.

So the realization came to me as I considered the answers to their questions...

Is my 'calling' so hollow that it cannot translate to where God places me right this moment? Can I speak the convictions of my heart, to those God places before me? I don't know. The more time I spend in church, the less I like people. The more I question God... It's not that I doubt Him, it's that I don't 'get Him' and I don't think I'm supposed to at this point. I'm just supposed to trust Him and obey His leading.

For now I think it's got to be "Call" waiting.

Trouble in the Blogdom

It has been SO long since I've been here...I figured I owed myself a few words if for no other reason than to log my journey.

As you can see I've had template issues. For some reason I totally lost my header...the one I paid for...go figure. Maybe there was some expiration date on the format. At any rate, I'm back to the basics...the free ones...particularly given the fact that I'm only posting once per month for now.

I have lost ALL my links. I hope to go try to find them and get them added back on, so bear with me as I search and look for all my treasured blog addresses. What's a girl to do? I figure I'll go through all my past comments if I have to!

I recently got some 'not so good' news from my doctor. Apparently all these GYN issues I've had for years are now proving to be even more troublesome. I'm scheduled to have surgery July 9th and will be out of work 6-8 weeks. Yeah...not so excited about that news. I am hopeful this will resolve the questionable test results. I'm also hopeful I can lay still as long as I need to.

The hubs, wonderful as ever, is getting a wireless router so I can use his laptop from bed and I just may be doing a bunch more blogging and surfing the blogs. That will help pass the time.

I can't think of anything else to share at this point...busy spring and the weather is getting warmer daily here in the heartland.

I hope all is well in your world and if you stop by...comment and leave your link so I can reenter all those names/addresses!