The Goodbye Girl

It seems my January is all about “Goodbye”. I resigned from a board I had served on for several years (though officially that was December), then I resigned from volunteer activities at my church, and finally resigned from my job.

These have all been decisions made with prayer and contemplation and I joked with my mom about the possibility that God was having me resign because my ‘time was up’ on earth. Death doesn’t scare me and I AM one of those people who can even joke about it.

I realize I still have a lot of my spiritual ‘to do’ list waiting, so while I don’t know the exact day of my own earthly exit, I don’t sense it in the very near future. It’s just strange not having any ‘attachments’ to anything concrete. I have nothing to rush to get done, no meetings to attend, no notes to take, no people to see. Why doesn’t it feel like I have too much time on my hands?

I feel more like I’m on the pinnacle of many NEW things. Originally I thought it would involve the new job I’ve been interviewing for, a new small group with another couple in our church and beginning the adoption process…but even these things seem intangible right now. I don’t feel so ‘certain’ about the small group after meeting with the other couple yesterday. I feel completely unprepared to begin the adoption process. The least uncertain, of the uncertain, is the job.

I have my final interview tomorrow and it’s between me and one other person. The moths that were hovering around the lights have overtaken my stomach. It reminds me of the feeling I used to get as I auditioned for a stage performance. You know the feeling…thinking “I’d feel better if I could just vomit and be done with it!”

I’ll have enough to keep my mind occupied here as I finish this job this week and meet with the ‘outsourcing’ company (who as it turns out is actually the efficiency expert from a few weeks ago). I’m also attending a writer’s small group tonight, at my husband’s urging (Yes, he’s going with me…I’m very shy, believe it or not!). The moths get to work overtime. I am supposed to bring a devotional (up to 500 words). As many words as I’ve got inside…500 shouldn’t take more than…oh 5 minutes.

Before I forget…go check out a new weekly addition to the Blogdom…it’s over at “Butterfly Kisses” place and it’s called Psalms Sunday. She’s going through the Psalms, one per Sunday and there’s a Mr. Linky if you’re so inclined!

Have a Monday full of new beginnings!

World Missionary Needed: No Travel Required

Oprah has been in the news lately, with the schools she had built and is opening this week in South Africa. You can Google it and get several hundred hits. I think it’s wonderful she wants to do this and apparently it fulfills some promise she made to Nelson Mandela some time ago. When asked why she didn’t build a program in the U.S. she stated (inclusively) that people/children in the U.S. have a sense of entitlement, as if they are entitled to both material things and a good education.

I translate that to mean: the kids in the U.S. don’t DESERVE it.

I’m not a HUGE Oprah fan, I never really have been. Sure I’ve seen her show and I’ve cried as she’s given people incredible gifts and fulfilled wishes for many people. But this recent media blitz just reinforced my own feelings about the self-defined philanthropy of these mega-stars.

Let’s talk a bit about entitlement, shall we? Does Oprah honestly think I believe she doesn’t feel entitled to what she has…fame and fortune alike? Furthermore, does she HONESTLY believe there are no ‘deserving’ children in the U.S. for this type of program?

She can do what she wants with her money and fame, my question is about the hundreds of media that were ‘invited’ to this grand opening. Why make it such a showy event if it’s truly done for the betterment of a nation? Clearly there is an advantage and potential gain from this media frenzy.

I know there is a need for ‘mission’ work of all kinds to be done worldwide, but I still affirm that there are needs right here in my city that need to be met. There are homeless people, hungry people, abused people, sick and dying people (children included) right here in this small city.

If your call is to go start a school in Africa…go, by all means…but don’t ever overlook the needs right there in your hometown. You may find your mission work as close as next door, or even in your own home!

Have a missional Friday!

Jesus-Choice Awards

Imagine if you will the perfect set and scenery with heavy drapes and a well-lit stage. The sound from the orchestra pit is building as outside the red carpet is lined with ministry leaders from all over the world entering the 2007th Annual Jesus-Choice Awards!

The statue is a solid gold replica of Jesus (pre-crucifixion), and the categories read a little something like this:

Best Worship Team
Best Technical Effects
Best Large Screen Viewing
Best Off-Site Attendance
Largest Congregation
Best Tithe Collections
Best Sunday Attendance
Best Dressed members
Best New Church
Best Prayer Warriors
Best Miracle Performers
Best Tongue Speakers
Best Tongue Interpreters
Best Holy Spirit Presence
Best Stained Glass Representations
Best Communion body/blood
Best Tele-evangelist
Best Christian Based Movie/Television Program
Most Improved Pastor
Best New Pastor
Best Team Ministry
Best Children’s Pastor
Best Youth Pastor
Best Overall Pastor

Or we could do something like the “Pastor USA” Contest, where 50 different representative pastors from across the country represent their state in a national competition for best pastor. We could have competitions like:

Writing Samples
Church Membership Records
Tithing Records

And the top 5 candidates would have to answer a pre-selected question from the judge panel (Jesus) to decide who wins the Pastor USA Contest. The winner receives free marketing and advertising (worth up to $1,000,000), a year as lead pastor on TBN during primetime, a gold-paged Bible (translation of their choice) for preaching, and of course a crown and gold scepter for demonstrative sermons and personal appearances required by the Association.

You may be wondering where this is coming from…no, I’ve not gone off the deep end…

Super Mom has asked for an opinion on the topic: What’s a success? Lord knows I was never one to withhold an opinion. I also realized my own opinions tend to run much longer than a socially acceptable comment should run and so I chose to write an actual post/comment in my own space.

Here’s the request:

“What makes a successful pastor? What makes a successful church?I'd love to hear from anyone....everyone who has an opinion. I mean...what makes a 'church' a great place for you? What do you think makes a good pastor? (Or pastor's wife?)...and after you figure that out, what I'd like to hear is, how much of what 'we' look for in a church or a pastor, is what Jesus is looking for? Or what He'd call 'successful'?”

I honestly believe the success of a pastor and church lies in the body as much as the Leadership; whether they are called Pastor, Ministry Leaders, Deacons, Priests, or simply members of the body!

I once heard a pastor preach about his success being measured not during his tenure but many years after he is gone. Does the church still exist? Are the members still there and actively involved? Is the church affecting positive change in their community? I tend to agree. It’s wonderful to have awesome leadership, but ultimately God is our leader, our shepherd, and when we rely on another person to fill that God-shaped hole we will lack.

That said, Jesus also asked Peter to ‘feed His sheep’ and Peter did just that. Peter was successful in as much as he heard and heeded Jesus’ request. Did Peter make mistakes? I would have to say…YES!!!! Everyone but Jesus did, does, has, will. Still we are called to strive to be everything He created us to be…in all our imperfections.

For me a successful pastor (and a pastor’s wife) is one striving to be all God created him/her to be. A successful church is one that is mimicking what Jesus modeled for us; inside and outside the building!

Have a Jesus-Choice Thursday!

A time to come and a time to go...

I love Ecclesiastes 3 and all it offers in teaching us about time and being in the moment we are in…until the moment is over. I love that we are called to TRUST that God has placed everything we need for that moment to be perfect IN HIM!

You know how the beginning goes...it's been the subject and lyrics of many songs...here's the part I'm talking about. This is the NLT so it’s even clearer:

A Time for Everything Ecclesiastes 3:9-22

9 What do people really get for all their hard work? 10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. 12 So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. 13 And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.

14 And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. 15 What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again.

16 I also noticed that under the sun there is evil in the courtroom. Yes, even the courts of law are corrupt! 17 I said to myself, “In due season God will judge everyone, both good and bad, for all their deeds.”

18 I also thought about the human condition—how God proves to people that they are like animals. 19 For people and animals share the same fate—both breathe and both must die. So people have no real advantage over the animals. How meaningless! 20 Both go to the same place—they came from dust and they return to dust. 21 For who can prove that the human spirit goes up and the spirit of animals goes down into the earth? 22 So I saw that there is nothing better for people than to be happy in their work. That is why we are here! No one will bring us back from death to enjoy life after we die.

I put my two-week notice in yesterday. It appears that God really wants me to take this into my own hands. I had anticipated a lay-off but clearly that is not to be…which calls into my deep faith to step out and trust He really is preparing another job for me.

I did have an excellent interview Friday with a company and in a new line of work. I had to do about an hours worth of testing (YES, I passed) and then interviewed for an hour or more. It just felt ‘right’ and they are doing a background check now. So…perhaps that’s my new employer and perhaps not. Either way, I trust God has it all worked out.

In preparation for this ‘faith-test’ I also found out that two more women in my church are expecting children. That makes eight within an 8-9 month period. Ironically enough, the new baby news is harder for me to stomach than the job change. I keep waiting to be at the place Shannon got to with her ‘infertility’ struggle…but it continues to elude me. I think I’m handling it okay and then it’s like getting punched in the gut once again. At the risk of being too honest, it feels like judgment…the ‘barren woman’ judgment.

Well, I’m going to trust the “time for everything” words above and believe God is lining up all the answers in HIS time. Let me rephrase…I’m going to trust…with an occasional grimace or two in this space about my feelings.

Here’s to 2007 and every moment of every day…as I strive to live from the inside.

A Year in Review

I got this from Mary over at “All I want is a good night’s sleep”. Looks like a good way to sum up 2006!

Instructions: Go to the FIRST BLOG of each month for the past year. Copy and paste the LAST SENTENCE of each blog entry. That is your Year in Review.

January 2006:
What is our purpose, if not to live our passion? That is my question today.

February 2006:
I have remembered my life…so that I could grow into the person God created, taking my memories, learning from each one, and holding on to hope for a better tomorrow!

March 2006:
Let’s drive…

April 2006:
God is so great…I’m back!

May 2006:
I tag GiBee (and her new tecnno-color blog), and my lil’ sister and of course anyone so inclined…Happy Monday!

June 2006:
Celebrate my 50th Anniversary with my husband! I’ll be SO old!

July 2006:
Have a beautiful Monday and remember to pray tomorrow for those who have fought to attain and preserve our freedom!

August 2006:
I guess speed dating really wasn’t God’s idea?

September 2006:
I pray we all walk in THIS truth today and every day! Have a picture perfect Friday!

October 2006:
Have a random kind of day!

November 2006:
Have a wonderful Tuesday and remember to live your life from the inside!

December 2006:I’m already counting the days til summer!

and I'm still counting the days til summer....Happy Tuesday.

Friday Feast #124

How do you usually celebrate on New Years Eve?
Typically my husband and I (if he’s not working), have a nice dinner together, watch a movie (or two if I’m still awake) and turn in well before midnight. Occasionally the ‘girls’ will wake up to fireworks and we will wake up to calm them and ‘kiss’ in the New Year.

Name one thing unexpected that happened to you in 2006.
It would have to be re-developing a relationship with my brother. We hadn’t really been in regular contact until a family crisis and since then we have spoken regularly and realized we have much in common in terms of beliefs and thought process. I decided I LIKE him!

Where was your favorite place you visited in 2006?
Honestly, we didn’t travel much in 2006 due to final year of Paul’s school, but when we went back to Albuquerque to visit we stopped at the ‘tourist spots’ along the way and I really enjoyed the Cadillac Ranch outside Amarillo. It was artistic and a bit spiritual actually. I also enjoyed the big cross in Groom Texas. We had never stopped and we did and aside from the ‘tick invasion’ it was inspiring.

What resolution is your top priority in 2007?
I don’t ‘do’ resolutions but my TOP PRIORITY without question it is to work on writing a book and submit short stories and articles for publication. Get my writer’s feet wet!

Using Just 3 words, Describe 2006.
Cathartic, closure, overflowing

Have a fun Friday and safe New Years Weekend!

Would You Like Fries With That?

We’ve all heard it before… “Would you like to SUPERSIZE it?” It sounds so wonderful…much more for hardly anything. Supersize has a positive connotation as it relates to the dollar, though admittedly not health wise.

Downsizing on the other hand…not so much. You probably will never hear the person at the drive-thru offer to remove some of your fries or give you half a coke for less and say: “Would you like to DOWNSIZE that?” Downsizing seems to have a less positive meaning.

We have an “efficiency expert” visiting our office right now and she made it back to my little space yesterday afternoon. I knew in a heartbeat upon her arrival to me at 3:30 that I would be ‘working’ late. I clocked-out at 6:30 p.m. She will be making the downsizing recommendations…among other things.

I was very honest with her about my own desires and how they didn’t seem to match up with this position any longer. I gave her recommendations about this position’s future either with me…or without. She seemed surprised that I thought I would already be gone.

Frankly she also seemed a bit disorganized and somewhat abrupt so I waited for her leading on questions prior to giving extraneous information. In my own experience these efficiency experts are a bit ‘black and white’ and she was no exception. She was also taking calls from her ‘regular’ office and that didn’t help with the timeliness.

I think these types of positions are interesting. I also find it very interesting a manager wouldn’t come to the employees, who are more likely the experts about their own work and how to perform it. Not only does it show respect for the people in these positions, but it also gives a better idea of the level of commitment to the employer. The many employees I visit with have some wonderful suggestions for work flow improvement and improving the ‘bottom line’. Sadly most of these ‘suggestions’ will never make it beyond my door.

I’m not saying there isn’t room for an outsider to come and make suggestions, but it isn’t typically received well (by the employees and often the management as well) and often the recommendations don’t make ‘sense’ once implemented, or are just never implemented. This particular ‘expert’ is actually recommending she come in and ‘manage’ the office once a week…or so. I almost laughed out loud as I listened to her phone calls.

So now we’ve spent more money and still have no solutions…hmmm…doesn’t really make sense to me. Additionally, I’m sure her salary for part-time management would probably exceed the salaries of those employees that have been ‘downsized’

It also reminded me the many reasons I stepped OUT of management. I am no longer the person who wants to carry her ‘work’ with her every waking moment. My life is so much bigger than any job could hold and to stuff life full of 8-5 issues seems to be in direct opposition to why God created me.

It will be interesting to see what this person recommends and how it is received from the top down. It will be interesting to see how much the ‘lighter fries’ and ‘half-coke’ cost.

Just observations from the edge of this side of the world! Have a SUPERSIZED Thursday!

Moving On...

Yesterday when I got off work at 4:30 p.m. we were two, possibly three staff ‘lighter’, as the first of the downsizing cuts were made. As I’ve mentioned before I feel a whole lot of peace about the whole thing, but man it hurts to see my co-workers in such strife and uncertainty. I tried to encourage them as they ‘packed’ and remind them that their heavenly Father has something greater and that THIS was never their destiny…but it still hurts.

I’m pretty sure I’ll get my ‘pink slip’ after I complete the year end close on Thursday. I have an interview for Friday and while I haven’t heard directly from God about it…yet…it’s a start in the right direction. Now if I’ll just trust that God’s desire is that thing, the aching in the middle of my heart that screams to get out of the analytical and INTO the more artful. AND if I don’t just accept some ‘replacement’ job that is utterly spirit-strangling and hang tight for the job He is aligning…then it will be all GOOD!

I’ll close with these reminders:

“The end of wisdom is to dream high enough not to lose the dream in the seeking of it.”
William Faulkner

“Life is short, art long, opportunity fleeting, experience treacherous, judgment difficult.”
Hypocrites

“The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.”
Arthur C. Clarke

I hope you find beauty in your whole day!

The Feeling's Mutual...

I obtained my degree in Microbiology and worked in that field for many years before I got bench ‘burnout’. My natural tendency is to refer back to those lessons as I view my own life and the lives or those people around me. These are my observations as I close the door on 2006 and look out the window towards 2007.

Symbiotic relationships are defined as an interspecific interaction in which one species, the symbiont, lives in or on another species, the host.

There are five established types of symbiotic relationships (depending on which field you examine):

Neutralism: Both organisms are unaffected.
Competition: Neither organism benefits.
Parasitism: One organism benefits and the other is harmed.
Commensalism: one organism benefits, the other is unaffected.
Mutualism: Both organism benefits.

I think part of my ‘issue’ with 2006 was the many parasitic, competitive, and sometimes neutral relationships I not only witnessed, but in which I played an active role. When I think about my natural tendency to disengage from others when in conflict or facing crises, I think of the neutralism that is so easy to try to defend as being open-minded, or easy-going. Yet we criticize openly the politician who does this as a “fence-straddler”. Neutralism kills in its inability to affect or be affected.

I think also of my own natural tendency to compete. I LOVE to compete…unfortunately I also HATE to lose, so competition may not be the best, most profitable relationship for me…or others. In the words of this lesson…neither species benefits. Competition kills in its overwhelming need to win.

I think of parasitism. You may not see this one and if you don’t it could be you are either a host or parasite yourself. You see, the parasite is taking what it needs at a real cost to the host. There are unfortunately many parasitic marriages, friendships, even…unfortunately….parents. Another key problem with parasitism is the host will eventually ‘die’ from the parasite relationship, and not even sense it coming until it’s too late. Parasitism kills in its ‘take-take-take’ mentality.

Commensalism may seem more ‘acceptable’ and I suppose to the extent that no life is taken in the relationship it is less costly, however; it still takes a toll. It’s much like the person who takes and takes and takes; either emotionally or physically or spiritually and rarely or never gives back. The other party may not be harmed (to the point of death), and may think they are unaffected, but I would submit that there is still a cost.

I’m praying for mass-mutualism is 2007. I think the bulk of my marriage is mutualistic (except when one of us, usually me, gets a bit selfish). I hope to improve current relationships and form new relationships that are mutualism at its best. They are benefiting both parties and that benefit is spread to others. I think that’s what Jesus desires from humans.

Here’s to abundance in blessings in 2007…and I hope and pray the feeling is mutual!

Grace Mist

How I wish I could say it was a beautiful wonderful holiday. How I wish I could pull stories and tales of the wonder of my niece and nephew as they opened their gifts or my sister seeing outside the pain of her own holiday torment. I wish I could say it was restful and relaxing and full of photo-ready moments.

All I can say is: I’m glad it’s over. Between one over-tired child, one self-focused teenager, one emotionally detached sister and father, one over-worked husband, completely under-recognized Jesus and then my grandmother having a stroke (or so they thought)…I’m just glad it’s over.

My sister rushed home by 10 a.m. to spend Christmas afternoon with her estranged husband…my parents rushed away by noon to drive five hours away to be by Grandma’s side…my husband had to work yet another holiday shift at his short-term job, and I’m sitting in front of a computer feeling such let-down.

I don’t think I can do it again. That must be why Christmas only comes once a year. I already told Paul I would prefer to go on a vacation next Christmas and just do it alone…just the two of us somewhere away…no presents, no muss, no fuss, just rest, sight-seeing and wrapped in love and joy.

Remember how we learn the life lesson not to have EXPECTATIONS or we’ll always be let down? That’s my problem. I have HUGE expectations about the beauty of this favorite holiday of mine. Unfortunately others don’t feel the way I do. Honestly, not much gives me more joy than to find that one perfect little something for each person I love. I love to see each person receive it with such surprise and joy.

That just isn’t what happened…

It has been a rough few days. I was talking to my wonderful husband and the best way I could describe it was akin to a balloon deflating. I’m sitting here calling on Jesus to let me feel that mist of Grace that overlays and erases the dust and debris of humanness. I’m hopeful for a new year and all the upcoming changes. I’m hopeful that with rest and renewal a new day will dawn and once again I’ll feel the joy of this season.

In-Focus

I love when Charlie Brown asks Lucy about the Spirit of Christmas...and I so often

thank God that HIS help doesn't even cost five cents....though it did cost a life!

Here is my spirit of Christmas ode:

Twas a few days before Christmas and all through the place
The people were hurrying and scurrying at a much quicker pace.

The drivers were crazy with speeds above fifty,
The lights were distracting, but oh so nifty!

The mall was too crowded to approach without meds
The noise was inducing the throbbing of heads!

The crafts they were started but lacking completion
Glue-gun burns abundant led to silvadene depletion.

The cookies were baked, frosted, and sent out,
They were once again received with a gleeful shout!

Wrapping and ribbon were strewn here and there,
The housework was lacking without even a care.

The presents must be wrapped and labeled today,
Only for ‘so long’ can we keep the ‘children’ at bay!

The lists were reviewed, while filling one more cart,
Another regret uttered about the late shopping start.

St. Nick may be lurking, so don’t pout or fuss,
He can see and hear everything...you better not cuss!

Today find a time to stop and just pray,
Only Jesus can bring true joy to our Christmas Day!

Find the meaning of the season in the middle of your heart,
Feel Jesus there and the spirit of Christmas will get a jump start!

If your heart is still empty, now is the time,
To seek His forgiveness and leave the sublime.

He’s been seeking you all of your days,
Let Him lead you from here and leave the worldly maze.

Have a wonderful, JESUS-FOCUSED Christmas!

#300

Today my blog is 300 posts old! I can hardly believe it. There is some pressure to write something meaningful and thought provoking today, but I’ve never been one to succumb to pressure, so I’ll just give you 30 random questions/thoughts I have at any given moment…I could easily do 300 but that may be somewhat overwhelming.

1. What is desire?
2. Am I the person God wants me to be?
3. What am I taking from yesterday into tomorrow?
4. How am I leaving a positive mark here?
5. What is the purpose of the external ear?
6. Why is so much of the good from the past discarded so easily in the quest for more?
7. What is the purpose of a porcupine?
8. Is 50% of God’s creation just for entertainment value?
9. Why are no new Christmas Carols ever written?
10. Do people still Christmas Carol?
11. Why is it easier to celebrate a sports game than it is to celebrate God?
12. What would worship look like if we had no inhibitions?
13. Who am I?
14. Why Brussel Sprouts?
15. Why IS gas so expensive?
16. Why isn’t their an available alternate fuel source yet?
17. Why are we so apathetic about politics?
18. Why do we choose to ignore child abuse?
19. Why are their starving people in OUR country?
20. Do you hear what I hear?
21. How can people NOT believe in God and creation?
22. Why do we (Christians) allow government to strip away the roots of our country?
23. Would I die for my brother/sister?
24. Would I die for Christ?
25. Would I sing for money?
26. Would I go an entire month without speaking?
27. Is it a greater challenge to be deaf or blind?
28. Are there people without a sense of smell?
29. Isn’t it amazing God knows the actual number of grains of sand!
30. Do the angels sing anything contemporary?

I don’t know if I’ll be here for another 300 but this has been a ride I wouldn’t have missed for the world! Thanks for being here with me!

Have a Wednesday full of questions; both answered and unanswered!