Can You Hear Me Now?

With Age Comes...Silence?

2012-01-23T06:48:00.002-06:00

I've noticed already that at my current age I'm somewhere past people listening to me and not being heard at all as an 'old' lady.

I've always been an observer of life. Observing relationships, marriage, parenting...all of it really. I remember seeing younger women ignoring older women and not really giving it much thought. Now the closer I get to this age of wisdom, the more I see this reality.

I suppose that's why so many young women repeat failed history...because they don't learn from the women who have already lived it.

Just observations from the edge...

Opportunity Or Failure?

2012-01-16T11:15:00.002-06:00

I've decided to leave the ice plant. I actually decided that at the end of last summer. It's just not a good 'fit' (in the words of management training). I am not happy.

I really want to fill the God-Shaped hole with something that He created me for...I just don't want to believe that he intended me to ramble from one job to another searching, searching, searching...for something that seems unattainable.

I know others' who have jobs they were created to do and you can tell immediately the way they light up when they talk about it, or the way they perform that job. I've never felt that way. I think it's been a lifetime of settling and I'm tired of settling.

At first I saw it as opportunity...after opportunity...after opportunity. Now I struggle with feelings of failure. Maybe I'm just a failure at stick-to-it-ness. Maybe I am incapable of committing to something long enough to see if it is the 'fill' for this God-shaped-hole.

Struggling with these feelings as it seems to be a culmination of a long life and a long list of failures, both professionally and personally.

I do THANK GOD for my marriage. I have a husband who encourages me and is faithful and I trust his love.

Thank you God for the joy of this covenant marriage and I pray you would lead these next steps and remove the lies of defeat.

Observations...

2012-01-09T20:06:00.002-06:00

I went to a dinner with the women from my church Bible Study tonight. I have had a hard time 'fitting in' with many of these women for the past 12-14 weeks and tonight as I sat at dinner and just observed...I realized I am just not like these women. I know it sounds like a 'pat' answer, but I feel truly out of touch with much of what is discussed.

Yet somehow, we find a way to come together and join our spirits (for a time) and share our experiences (for a time) and grow together. It's still hard to realize I want so much more than this small group can offer or be. I think I'll sit out the next study and maybe do a time of inner-reflection and do the study on my own.

You know what I love about 'blogging' and writing here...is when I have a day that's filled with the daily drudgery and a disappointing evening, I can come to this computer and safely pour it out without judgement from myself or others. I love that this release is my way of letting God know exactly where I am...without the masks, without expectations, without pretense.

I am supposed to be doing a daily entry in an art journal, but I haven't started yet. I guess my 365 days can start on any date. I'm looking forward to this release and hoping it provides direction and release.

A Time to End

2012-01-03T06:54:00.004-06:00

I have a feeling my position in ice may soon be ending. Nothing concrete...just a feeling. Looking forward to a career and not just settling with jobs.

More on this later...time to go to make ice...for now.

Dashing...

2012-01-01T20:07:00.003-06:00

It's a new year and with it brings feelings of anticipation and renewed hope. I love that like our limitless supply of grace and mercy we also get a new day and a new year with some regularity.

Our message at church this weekend was about what we are doing with the 'dash'...that time between birth and death...that is represented by a dash on our tombstone.

Pastorman reminded that it is futile to try to fill our dash with things (food, jobs, even kids)...if we allow God to show us how to fill the dash we will have a much more fulfilled and JOY filled life and living the purpose God designed us for.

The first step for me is the job. I cannot continue to work at this place where I feel no passion whatsoever about the outcome. I have got to find a job that I feel passionate about...the job that God created me to do.

Whether it's artistic in nature directly or through written word or through helping others...it is out there and I will selectively find it...with His help of course.

So, I set about 2012 in search of my God given purpose, in terms of my career.

Let's see where this ends...and 2012 begins.

On Empty

2011-12-30T06:54:00.002-06:00

My tanks are just on empty lately. Pretty sure it's post-holiday stuff...and I want it to end.

It's one of those times when you know what you need to do to get out of it, but you don't even want to do that.

So my mind just keeps replaying all these things:
weight gain from holiday...
lack of energy leading to less 'moving'...
family drama after Christmas...
frustration with lack of volunteers and lack of communication at church...
wanting a new job but feeling like I failed at this 1 year stint...
not even wanting to open my Bible for answers or encouragement...
feeling like weeks will never end only to face a weekend of emptiness...

I am in a funk and need to get out of it.

Lord, please fill me with YOU...so I can dump this junk and move forward. I do NOT want to sit in this cesspool any longer and while I realize it is within my power to choose, I'm struggling.

It's beginning to feel a lot less like Christmas

2011-12-27T16:34:00.002-06:00

Made it through Christmas without much adieu...but then the day after I was slammed with family emotion that continues to be so 'pushed down' that when it is triggered it becomes this huge ugly ordeal. My poor husband never knows how to react (because is SO non-confrontational), but this is the way my family disagrees.

It was ugly, it was uncomfortable, and it always serves to ruin a holiday.

I just can't do it anymore. I let my mom know I wouldn't be spending anymore Christmases with the extended family...it is just too important a holiday (to me) to have it belittled and 'ruined' by emotional vomit.

Paul and I had been discussing for some time visiting beaches or traveling over Christmas holiday because we have no children and these holiday gatherings are routinely so stressful. We got our passports this year and will start a new holiday travel tradition.

Hope your holiday was better than mine...

I Know How You Feel

2011-09-27T06:47:00.002-05:00

I doubt it!

That's the first thing that pops into my head ANYTIME I heard that phrase. Regardless of what is going on, my situation is unique to me. My feelings are unique to me. I'm not sure if it separates us in our uniqueness or if it unites us in our shared emotion, but I do KNOW you have no idea how I feel.

This came up at a Bible study last night and I've been mulling it around in my head a bit. I volunteered with a few different agencies over the years and one of the first things you learn is what NOT to say to help de-escalate a volatile situation. What NOT to say is probably even more important than what TO say.

God is still working on me with this lesson, but I will say it gets a bit easier with age because not only do people quit asking what you think, but they don't always listen when you offer the wisdom of ages. I have always been an observer and listener, but I do speak. I'm hoping I can remember God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.

Happy Listening!

Independence Day?

2011-07-03T08:42:00.003-05:00

Independence is one of those things that I worked so hard to attain as a young, highly-spirited (aka: opinionated), restless, judgmental child. I just knew when I could finally do things MY way and do what I wanted and be who I wanted and say what I wanted...everything would be better.

When people would ask what quality I was most proud of in myself...it was almost always my independence. I didn't NEED anyone and I thought that was a good thing.

Honestly, how deep can a friendship go if you don't ever need someone? How big is your faith in God if you don't admit you need Him? I had convinced myself that others (and GOD) had bigger problems to deal with and I could handle all mine all by myself! Sounds like a 4-y.o. doesn't it.

It took me some time to realize it was okay to depend on others...and it is a REQUIREMENT to lean on God. There is no release without confession, there is no strength without weakness. I decided I need to celebrate my DEPENDENCE Day! The day I finally decided to depend on God for everything!

It is a process for me, and one I honestly struggle with daily (even at my ripening age). I know I need some 'knee-time' when I start thinking I don't NEED any one's help.

As I celebrate this Independence Day, I will be reminding myself for me...it's all about Dependence Day!

What's Your Word?

2011-06-26T08:59:00.003-05:00

I have this little bowl of 'angel' cards I have had for some time now. They are little cards with a small picture of an angel an a word to meditate on for the day. It helps me to focus on something other than myself and really contemplate on what God is pulling from me each day.

I have recently been drawing some 'tough' ones for me, but today I drew "BIRTH". I have never drawn this card before. I've had these cards literally at least 13 years and have NEVER drawn this card.

It means a lot to me. It means, memories, newness, cleansing. It honestly reminds me of my salvation and the love God has for me. It reminds me of the plan He has for my life. It reminds me of HIS reminder that His grace and mercy is new everyday. I am literally reborn everyday into his grace and mercy. I get a chance every day to show my love for Him through others and through my devotion to Him and His calling on my life...a life of unmerited favor and forgiveness. That is ALL good.

Don't get me wrong, some days I fail miserably in this venture. But I get to wake up tomorrow with NEW grace and mercy from Him.

It's a good place to be...

Prayer and Waiting

2011-06-16T20:28:00.002-05:00

Once again I have taken far too long a hiatus from writing and my mind begins to wilt a bit when I consider not writing and then again when I sit down to actually put fingers to keys.

That said, I am here to update and say that I am entering a time of prayer. I believe it's going to be a bit more than my usual conversations with God that are far more random in topic. This is going to be a time of intense prayer for my church, the women, leadership, discipleship program, children's ministry...basically everything about the church I am attending.

I am expecting God to show up and reveal himself in a big way. I am expecting God to speak to me and give me visions and dreams and direction...but in the words of S-M-A...even if he doesn't...it doesn't make him any less GOD! Somehow I'm pretty sure he will!

I have been tempted to close this blog down and 'start again', but this is my journey and coming here is usually like coming home. You get that great feeling of something familiar and wonderful!

I put so much pressure on myself, that sometimes I doubt the words I have to say even mean much anymore, but God assures me He still desires to chat with me a much more regular basis and so I return...again...and hope that something that comes from the heart will make its way onto this place.

Now if I could just master the Html coding and change up the look a bit...

A New Year

2011-02-09T09:44:00.002-06:00

Once again I have been absent from the blogdom for a long, long time (in word years anyway). I've been hanging out on facebook and while it doesn't offer the forum for writing freely like the blog does, it has reconnected me with many old friends.

I've still been enjoying the new job and since I reside in Snowklahoma have had about 7 days off this winter as 'snow days'. Today is one of those day.

Got a new Accounting Clerk and things are like brand new around the place. She is energetic, creative, funny, and a really quick 'learner'. It is like night and day from the days when I first started. Of course, add to that, I have learned much more about manufacturing and the ice business specifically and route accounting, while challenging, is fairly straightforward.

I have such good intentions of getting back to writing but sometimes feel like the urge to write is lying dormant. I guess I'll see if I can get on here more often and at least check out what other people are writing. I miss the words.

Cold As Ice...

2010-10-28T18:54:00.002-05:00

I'm working for a large ice company and the woman I am working with...and will supervise is absolutely the 'coldest' person I have ever met.

I am praying for her...I think she is actually the antithesis of anything Jesus. I'm also trying to be Jesus with skin on...but man oh man is it challenging.

I Feel the Earth Move...

2010-10-15T09:02:00.002-05:00

or not. We had an earthquake this week outside Norman, OK. It was felt as far away as Northern Kansas and Dallas, Texas...I felt nothing.

We talked briefly about it in Bible Study and it reminded of the parable of building your house on a firm foundation. When my world is rocking, more than likely I should evaluate the foundation.

I hope your world is on solid ground this weekend!

Trading Down?

2010-10-13T07:53:00.003-05:00

I read this on a friend's facebook page: Genesis 25:33 The Message (MSG)
Jacob said, “First, swear to me.” And he did it. On oath Esau traded away his rights as the firstborn."

I used to be one of those people who would read this passage and think...how dumb was Esau! Really he traded his BIRTHRIGHT blessing away...for a bowl of stinkin' soup?

Then my friend asked the question: "What have you traded of eternal importance for a momentary pleasure???" and I had to stop and realize I have been Esau at some very pivotal moments in my life.

I hope I remember the next time I want an immediate gratification...to choose well.

Break Is Over

2010-10-12T17:09:00.002-05:00

...No, not just my blogging break. I've been blogging again fairly regularly (well for the last week or so) and I intend on continuing on this written journey. I'm talking about my three month jobless state.

I was laid off on July 6, 2010, and have been unemployed since then. I have had the incredible opportunity to completely revamp my resume (with the outsourcing group hired to help with the transition) and also my cover letter. I couldn't get over how much things had changed in such a short time.

I start my new job next Monday (pending background, credit checks and drug testing). I don't anticipate any holdups, I haven't even had a poppy seed muffin or anything. I will be working in a manufacturing environment (totally new to me) and I will be accounting/office manager. The people I've met with have been wonderful and I am SO excited to work with them. The bonus is the totally casual atmosphere.

I had the opportunity to interview with other companies and even turned down a job which was surreal during this economy. The whole 'break' I had the feeling of peace that God was finding my perfect job and true to His word...I think He did.

I'm looking forward to writing more once I've started.

Un-Altered At the Altar

2010-10-07T08:26:00.004-05:00

I was reading a facebook status the other day and it had something about picking up a garment that had been altered and the person 'hoped it fit'. Immediately the Holy Spirit put a thought in my head...these clothing alterations are not much different than what Jesus did for us.

We are a mess when we approach the cross...the Altar of God. God wants this mess and His very Spirit is going to alter us in a way we never thought possible...as a matter of fact, we are altered at the altar as soon as we ask.

Sometimes these alterations don't 'feel' right. It feels like the sleeves are too tight or the buttonholes too small. But what I've found is happening is these alterations are conflicting with my flesh. What's reassuring and what I've experienced is God continues to alter and alter me until one day I will comfortably walk in His perfect version of me.

I guess in a sense...I'm in the midst of being altared!

Not My View

2010-10-05T09:58:00.002-05:00

During my work 'transition' period...I've been watching way too much t.v. I love Ellen, but in OKC, The View comes on immediately after and I remember when this show first started and it wasn't about the stars or the politicians...it was about the viewers and getting a viewpoint that covered the whole gamut. Now, to me, it's become a train wreck that I can't turn away from but I find myself so incredibly frustrated by the time they start getting into their 'hot topics' segment.

I just cannot relate to any of these women. They are either so far right I can't feel myself breathe from the constricting conservative viewpoints or they are so far left I wonder who they COULD represent...other than themselves. I can tolerate Whoopi Goldberg, but I seriously doubt any of these privileged women can really relate to the working class people they are speaking to.

I've got to learn to just turn off the television...which I am going to do now and get my day started!

Summer is over...

2010-10-04T10:18:00.003-05:00

Hard to believe it's fall already. I've been out of work for three months this week and have been on four interviews, turned down one job, and hoping today is the day! I'm interviewing with a large ice company today for an accounting office manager position and I've really enjoyed speaking to and emailing the recruiter. I think the company culture sounds most like what I would like to align with.

I'm trying so hard not to 'settle' because I'm a firm believe that God has this all in His hand and God told me not to go back to medical (because He and I both know how UNHAPPY I was working for ego's all day long), and He also told me what salary to expect...so that's limited not only my search but my ability to accept just a job to get by. I do recall the last time I lost a job to lay-offs I moved and met my wonderful husband, so I'm thinking there must be even something greater in the horizon. I've also TOTALLY enjoyed lunch with friends and spending time with the hubs (who is home-schooling his Master's degree, while still getting paid his salary). We have every day together. It really is quite wonderful!

But alas, the money will eventually run out, and in a few more weeks I'm going to be pressed if I am not working. I have also learned to appreciate my hubs wonderful cooking ability as he was the one that handled this task when I was working because he gets home earlier. I'll take dish duty over cooking any day.

Okay, so update is I haven't disappeared completely. I've just become a bit of a Facebook girl and conversing with friends from school and others' I had lost touch with. I am going to try to return to my first love of blogging and writing. I think it may be a gift I was sacrificing and risked losing...and so while the thoughts may or may not lead me I will write...

It's Official...

2010-06-29T06:43:00.001-05:00

I carry my stress in my back. Ever since I have been enduring this Sciatica pain I have been searching and searching for something to reduce the pain. I’ve tried OTC meds, visits to afterhours clinics, pain pills, light massage, heating pad, just about everything. Then I finally broke down and decided to try a Chiropractor.

I had never been to a Chiropractor before, but having worked in the medical field, was always quite leery. However, lately, many people I know have mentioned finding relief from ongoing chronic pain type problems through a Chiropractor. I took a referral from someone I trust, and someone who is not one of those Vegan, ‘organic foods’ only, Yoga practicing people, that I tend to associate Chiropractors with. This person is sort of like me. She works hard, tends to internalize stress, normal, everyday sort of woman who struggles with some back pain.

Anyway, the office got me in quickly. I was scheduled for 9:30 a.m. Monday, and I went in with high expectations, but a bit tentative in the techniques. It started off ‘normal’ enough. They took my B/P, weight, height, general vitals and then I was advised the Doctor would be in shortly. The doctor I saw was a young women (probably in her 30’s), very sweet and knowledgeable about ‘spine’ related injuries.

We started discussing the onset and my half-marathon and then she began an exam. The exam part was a bit painful as she really felt deep within my back to find the tension in my spine. She assessed that I did indeed have a LOT of tension in my back all the way from my neck down. I could’ve told her that without touching. Then she asked about my pain and did a brief strength exam before sending me across the hall for some ‘work’.

I went across the hall, put on their ‘gown’ and lay down on the ‘table’. This young women with darling shoes (I could only see her shoes so I think it’s important they think enough to wear cute shoes), began explaining a little about what was going to happen. I received an electric stimulation type massage, then a light hand massage, then she began a deep tissue massage that when I mentioned it hurt, she said, it should. She worked and worked for what seemed forever…and then she did more electric stimulation, and left me like that for 15 minutes more.

After all that the doctor came back in and proceeded to put me in a position on my side, then climbed up on my leg (no joke) and pressed down on my back to ‘stretch’ the back. Uh, YES, IT’S STRETCHING ALL RIGHT! I thought I was going to scream, but she was off quickly and I did tell her it hurt quite a bit. She informed me that when I come back, next week, the other doctor would be doing much more of that, so it’s best to prepare for it and get it started stretching.

OH MY! Should I schedule for a follow-up? Against my pain sensors I did go ahead and schedule a follow-up for next week. I crawled into my car…in intense pain, called the hubs to let him know I was through and to express some pain related sentiments, went home to my beloved pain medication, then back to work.

After several hours I did feel some relief and while I am dreading this long road of pain to recovery, I will be glad when the morning tears are done and I can awake and arise without pain.

The doctor also informed me that likely my injury occurred because after the marathon I really backed off my intense training, from doing 10-15 miles a week to doing 5-7 miles a week. She said this is a common injury for new ‘athletes’ that just stop working out as much as they did for an event training. The body needs to be weaned off this program just like it had to be trained up to that point.

…so if you’re planning on doing a marathon…even WALKING one, you better brace yourself for the after affects if you think you’re going to stop right afterwards!

Still Here...

2010-06-09T06:31:00.002-05:00

I'm not completely gone...just focused on the last few weeks of work, job searching, sciatic pain and ongoing church stuff. Nothing really too new except anyone who knows a good way to deal with sciatica please, please let me know. I've never known such ongoing, intense, never-ending, faith compromising, sickening pain...in my life! It's really doing a number on my spirit and physical being.

What's Next?

2010-05-05T19:13:00.003-05:00

We found out at work on Tuesday morning that they are closing our department. As of July 6th I will be unemployed. It's a bit of a bummer, but I'm going to use this opportunity to seek out a job God is already preparing for me.

I've enjoyed all 3 years at this job and while there were some challenges, overall it was an excellent, God-filled experience. I learned that at my age, the stuff that used to 'bug' when I was a young supervisor...doesn't bother me so much now. I also learned that I have a desire to build teams...effective teams and the best way to excellent service is to invest time and resources in your staff.

I'm not too nervous about it, though with the current state of the country I probably should at least be a bit concerned. I'm honestly not.

It seems 2010 has much in store for it so far. Between the marathon and the job change and what God is putting on my heart with regards to church...who knows what the back end of this year will look like. As long as it reflects God's direction, I'm good!

Encourage One Another...

2010-05-01T16:26:00.000-05:00

I’ve always been a BIG believer in encouragement and what it can do to the human spirit. I’ve seen firsthand what DIScouragement does and how long it takes to recover from it.

Last weekend was the marathon. It was the experience of a lifetime…and I was just a ‘walker’. I can’t imagine how much more the runners were feeling. Let me try to set the scene…

My walking-buddy and I arrived a little ‘late’ at 6:00. We wanted to get there earlier but between a buddy that got her times crossed and downtown traffic of all the participants making their way to the start…it was 6:15 by the time we got anywhere near the starting point. There were already thousands of people there under a fabulous dawn-lit sky. The sun rises just behind the memorial site and it’s as though God Himself is kissing the memorial good morning with the rays of His sunshine.

The participants all began to make their way to the back of the line to take our places, but at around this point the 168 second of silence took place and we all just stood solemnly as we remembered those we were walking to honor and to remember. We remembered that day, not so many years ago, and we remembered why we were here and what we were walking for…who we were walking in remembrance of.

The race started at 6:25 as they released the ‘wheeled’ participants, then the guns went off and the fastest of the racers started off and about 15 minutes later my buddy and I were finally crossing the starting line. The sky was a bit overcast at first with those early morning clouds. By the time we got to mile one, where the first crowd waited to cheer us on, the clouds had cleared and a pristine blue sky blanketed our trail. I couldn’t help but feel the joy that was bubbling off these early morning cheerleaders and was thankful they were there at mile one to push us on our way.

The next thing I knew we were walking up Lincoln Avenue and I could see the Capital building ahead. As we made our way to the Capital complex my buddy pointed out the 168 trees that were planted along that campus several years ago to commemorate those lives lost in the bombing. They’re growing now, big and strong, reminding us to push on and live our lives with purpose and meaning.

We walked through a beautiful downtown neighborhood where neighbors were out in full force to cheer and champion our cause. There was a yard with 168 pinwheels stuck into the ground and neighbors handing out little candy bars and water and pretzels to push us towards our goal.

As we made the next turn, heading back south towards our goal at mile 8, there was a huge group from one of the larger local oil companies that were so enthusiastic I got goose bumps. It was so exciting to see so many people supporting this marathon and each of the participants that had come out to complete this journey. The final 5 miles were just lined with people cheering and handing out sustenance to those of us who were beginning to see the physical effects of the journey.

By the time we were within 1 mile of our finish, I was feeling really drained…not my spirit, but my physical body was just about done. I had only been drinking water at the stops, no power-aide and my body was in need of electrolytes. At one of the final ‘watering stops’ I grabbed some power-aide (YUCK, never have liked that stuff) took a few swigs and continued on.

When we made the final turn, and I could see the finish line and all the people along the street, I felt so much pride in the accomplishment…and so much awe for the support…and so many tears for those we were remembering, it was a moment I’ll never forget.

I crossed the finish line and made my way through the medal distribution and grabbed some snacks and water and made my way to my husband and our ‘supporters’ and then I thought I would just pass out.

I realized later as I thought about this day, that without the encouragement we received I honestly probably wouldn’t have made it to the finish line. Our bodies are amazing on their own, but add to that the chemicals produced in our brain when our bodies are ready to give up…and we have so much more to give.

Thank you God for creating us with intention and with meaning. Thank you for giving us abilities and for making us stronger through encouragement. Help us each to remember that words have the power of life and death…not matter how big or small.

Hebrews 3:13 (one of my personal favorites)
"But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."

…and there goes the first thing from my Bucket List.

The Little Things

2010-04-23T20:23:00.002-05:00

This weekend is my half-marathon that I’ve been training for since that ice-cold day in January. I’ve walked a total of about 275 miles and just 13.1 to go. I am excited but also anxious about the HUGE crowds. This is the biggest Marathon we have in our humble state. The weather is supposed to be mild and a bit breezy so it should be a fabulous walk.

One of the recommendations is that you wear a small back pack with water, chapstick, your phone, a jacket, etc. in case you need any of that. On our last 9.5 mile walk I went ahead and carried it to see how it would be. I had a light-weight all weather backpack that, even when filled with these items, was still feather light.

Something happened during the walk. That light weight back pack became heavier and heavier and more uncomfortable until I just wanted to drop it and walk without it. It probably doesn’t even weigh five pounds…filled up.

I hadn’t given it much thought other than thinking I am not going to carry it this Sunday. There are water stops and I can shove chapstick into one pocket and my phone into the other. I thought again about the times I take my ‘burdens’ to the cross and try to leave them there…and I realized even the things that seem so tiny, too insignificant to even approach God with…eventually even these tiny things weigh us down tremendously as we try to carry them ourselves.

WOW…those tiny, light weight ‘things’, whatever they are, they matter to Him too. He wants us to give Him EVERY burden. I think I get it.

…And there is one of the little things this training has taught me.

Less For More

2010-04-13T16:59:00.001-05:00

I can’t help but notice everywhere I go, whether it be the gas pumps, grocery store, even the bagel shop, I’m getting LESS for MORE!

The gas pump has been an ongoing mystery to me ever since the year the prices jumped and jumped almost to $5.00/gallon before finally settling back down. Now they’ve got them back almost to $3.00/gallon and the way it’s edged up it appears they try to desensitize us by taking us up high and then dropping it down a bit, but not back to the level we were paying only days before.

The grocery store is a whole new world anymore. They have these tiny little 8 oz sodas that are $3.68 for a 6 pack. Yes, you heard me right…$3.68 for a 6 pack. That’s 48 oz of soda for almost $4.00. I guess that helps diminish the frustration of gasoline prices, or movie theater sodas. Just about everything that is packaged is coming in a ‘smaller’ more ‘conveniently sized box’ (translation: smaller and cheaper made). The funny thing is the prices don’t reflect these new reduced sizes. It’s almost like they think consumers won’t notice. Uhm…we do notice.

I went to Panera today to buy a bagel and a frozen coffee beverage. Frankly, Panera is WAY overpriced anyway, but occasionally I can’t help but fill the craving for an Asiago Cheese Bagel w/cream cheese and a yummy coffee drink. The bagel went from $1.00 to $1.35 within about 2 months and the cream cheese went from $1.00 to like $1.50 or so. This is for a single serving of cream cheese. Add to that my wonderful coffee drink which went from like 12 oz to about 8 oz…the price is still $3.69. So for just $6.69 I got a bagel with cream cheese and a coffee drink. You’d think they would at least shrink the straw a bit, but NO they give you this straw that will basically suck the entire drink up through it in 3 swallows.

Uhm…Panera, clue in. If you’re going to shrink the cup, shrink the straw so we are less likely to notice.

So during this time of less for more, let’s embrace the one thing good that comes from this phenomenon…the more I see this principle, the less I indulge and the less I consume, the more I appreciate the things that get overlooked in a better market…like family, friends and the value of a homemade meal and a game night.

If I Were...

2010-04-05T09:45:00.001-05:00

I had read this at Praise Junky recently and finally decided to 'borrow it' today for some fun. I haven't done a Meme in like forever.

If I were a month, I’d be May. (Starting to really warm up and I love the smell of freshly cut grass)
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Thursday.
If I were a time of day, I’d be dusk.
If I were a planet, I’d be the Sun.
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a mermaid.

If I were a direction, I’d be left.
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be a comfy chair.
If I were a liquid, I’d be vanilla extract.
If I were a gemstone, I’d be peridot.
If I were a tree, I’d be a weeping willow.

If I were a tool, I’d be a jack.
If I were a flower, I’d be freesia.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be sunny.
If I were a musical instrument, an upright piano.
If I were a color, I’d be lime green.
If I were an emotion, I’d be love.

If I were a fruit, I’d be a strawberry.
If I were a sound, I’d be an ocean wave crashing to the shore.
If I were an element, I’d be water.
If I were a car, I’d be a convertible.
If I were a food, I'd be Mexican.
If I were a place, I’d be a beach.

If I were a material, I’d be t-shirt.
If I were a taste, I’d be spicy.
If I were a scent, I'd be the smell of summer.
If I were an object, I'd be a prism.

The Price of Passion

2010-04-04T08:05:00.004-05:00

I'm home from church today. I haven't really been to church on Easter in years as I would prefer to leave those seats for the people who show up at Christmas and Easter...plus I'm not into the 'show'. God decided this morning to give me a real reason to stay home...tonsillitis. I just had a bout of this in December, but it's back. Four of the people at my work had strep this week and I was obviously exposed to some nasty bug.

So for better or for worse...I'm home. God still chose to bless me. It's one of my favorite things about God. He doesn't have to see your behind in a pew (or folding chair) to bless you. He will bless your socks off with where you are at any moment. This is so important in my own life because I've had some challenges this year and God has still chosen to bless me right through those challenges. I have lost trust in people and realized that's not where my trust should have been to begin with. I had that 'hiccup' with my husband this week and felt forgiveness for him like I didn't think existed. Even my mother mentioned she had never seen me so patient and 'easygoing' about things. Don't tell her, but it's not me, it's God...sshh...keep it on the d.l.

So I'm home on this Resurrection Sunday and was flipping through the channels while my husband got ready for church and came upon the Potter's House. Oh, how I LOVE T.D. Jakes and the way he can preach it and teach it. His message was "The Price of Passion".

He took us through the stories of the Bible that teach us about the price of passion. There were tears streaming down my face as he taught us about the love Hosea had for Gomer. When he compared this love to the greater love Christ had for his Bride, a love so great He chose to die for her...for us, I finally began to feel that depth of love that I struggle so to understand.

The hardest part of Christianity to me is understanding so great a love when it's so elusive on earth. Love seems so conditional on earth. Love seems fleeting. Love doesn't fit the Scripture in I Corinthians 13...on our imperfect and sin-filled earth.

But hearing T.D. Jakes speak about Hosea going to get Gomer from the slave table, to reclaim her...to purchase her back...to pay the price he didn't owe...it began to hit me. Then as T.D. Jakes covered this young audience woman up and continue to tell the story, I could honestly feel the love God feels for me and the cost of that love.

In all my Christian walk, since I was 13 years old I haven't felt this explained as well as I did today. So I'm pretty sure as my church and EVERY church on this Continent are celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, I'm understanding a little more about the price of His passion...for me.

I pray Easter is a day of reflection on not only the Resurrection, but the cross and the price of His passion for you!

Missing the Point

2010-04-02T13:03:00.001-05:00

I was answering a questionnaire about blogging yesterday which I believe turns out to be a bit of a marketing hoax, but it did get me thinking about some things I’ve left lying dormant in my mind for some time as I coasted along the past few years.

I’ve read a series of books by Brian McLaren, an insightful, if not a bit non-conforming and definitely unconventional type pastor/author. One of his books is about ‘missing the point’ of Christianity ultimately. I have to say this applies not only to Christianity and churches, but also to individuals and even more rampant in an age of technological advances to the point of completely missing the point.

Let me just share some examples…

1. Where I work we have automated process that we are STRONGLY encouraged to use, that sometimes take longer to utilize than our manual processes. We’re still supposed to use them. Hmmm…interesting.

2. Almost ALWAYS, when I see people hanging out together…one or both of them are connected to their blue-tooth, I-Phone or whatever other gadget they have to get lost or distracted in. So ultimately this says to me, I’m not important enough to have your sole attention?

3. At church it often feels like if the media doesn’t run correctly; a mic goes out, or a nursery worker ‘no-shows’ the service cannot continue.

4. I’ve observed pastors’ preach about friendship while they have a security guard ushering them around…during church.

5. I’ve observed pastors’ preach about love and then flip off the middle-east…during service.

Somehow we’re missing the point. I was given a great opportunity this week about this very thing in my own life. Obviously I’m not exempt. I’ve shared often about my battle with road rage and how I’ll be worshipping God in my car and cursing a bad driver (or what I’ve deemed a bad driver) while singing! Thankfully that’s not what God ‘caught’ me at this week.

This week, I found out something my husband didn’t tell me about that happened last year. It’s not something that will hurt our marriage, but it was definitely something that made me stop and question his motive and his integrity. When I realized his motive was his self-protection (from ME), it dawned on me I may be part of the problem. Then God told me (in prayer) I had to forgive him and move on, I realized this is an opportunity. I can either; stay angry and risk further damage, or I can forgive and move on like God asked me to.

Oh it’s hard…but I’m trying. I love my husband so very much and I know he has our very best interest at heart and frankly I haven’t always made the best decisions either…so who am I to decide that his offense is worse than mine. I don’t want to say I forgive someone and just keep bringing it up again and again. I really don’t want to miss the point.

Much of my blogging quest is ‘seeking truth’ both through questioning my own truths and being challenged by others’. And so the quest continues…

Messages from God

2010-03-31T16:56:00.001-05:00

I woke up with a song in my mind and soon on my lips. So I started singing this song, which if you know me at all, you KNOW I am not a ‘singing first thing in the morning’ kind of girl. I am not really a morning person at all and I will often times just nod when asked questions instead of verbalizing anything until I’ve been up for 30 minutes or so.

At first I thought perhaps I had been drugged and was being forced to sing, but soon realized as I tried to recall the lyrics and sing them over and over again…this must be a message from God! Only God would speak to me in a song, through a book, or any other number of random ways He often chooses to speak to me. Mostly so when you try to explain it to another rational human being they give you that look like… ‘are you on some sort of medication, or are you being FORCED to say this?’

So I finish getting ready and hop in my car (hopping anywhere is another very uncharacteristic thing for me), which I wrote off as just SPRING Fever and enjoying the 80+ temps forecasted for today, and as soon as I hit my station button on the radio, guess what song came on…yep, the same one I had been singing. It’s a Johnny Diaz song called “There Could Never Be a More Beautiful You.”

Clearly God wants to say something to me. Other times when these types of messages continue to bombard me, or in this case…replay, I pray and just ask God what it is He wants me to take from this. This morning I prayed and this is what He told me:

“Child I know your past and your future and I love you through it all. I want you to know you are beautiful! I know this because you are the essence of the beauty I placed in you. You ARE beautiful! Speak it! Live it! Soak it up! BE beautiful!”

“But God that seems somewhat prideful.”

“Only if you think YOU did it. I created you in my image so your recognition of the beauty I placed in you, is a form of worship to me. You don’t have to go around touting your beauty or trying to be beautiful compared to others, just live in the beauty that is the you I created.”

So I listened to the song and had my chat with God and some of the junk that had been filling up my spirit cleared out as I worshipped God with my whole self this morning. God…I love Him!

…so have a beautiful, sing-song day as we bask in His incredible creation…yes even the you HE created!

Hybernating in Spring

2010-03-22T13:27:00.002-05:00

The hubs and I watched movies this weekend with the spring snow-storm that came our way. Here was our line-up and rating:

Post-Grad - D-
Precious - B-
Couples Retreat - D
Up in the Air - A-

Post-Grad was a snooze-fest. We literally started watching Friday evening and became so disenchanted we turned it off around 11pm and opted for some Criminal Minds repeats instead. Finally watched the remainder on Saturday and it was one of the worst films I’ve seen this year. It could have been good, but Michael Keaton was horrible in his ‘incomplete character’ role and even Carol Burnett could do nothing to save the film.

Precious was next and thankfully I had read the book and was semi-prepared for the film. They stayed fairly true to the way the book was written (the essence of the characters’ experiences were not lost). Monique absolutely deserved an award for her role of the Mother and the role of Precious was also excellent. Surprisingly even Mariah Carey was believable in her Social Worker role. The grade I assigned this film was because I felt it did drag in places and it seemed to end fairly abruptly without any transition.

Couples Retreat was also a disappointment. This is one of those films where the best parts of it are seen during the previews. Certainly there were some ‘funny’ moments and it ended well, but it was just a bit slow and sort of depressing through much of the film.

Up in the Air was the final film we watched and thankfully that redeemed the whole experience a bit. It was really a great film. It wasn’t ultra-heavy or deep, but it definitely had moments of excellence and I learned something from the film. It made me think about my ‘back pack’ and all the junk I lug around everywhere I go, both literally and figuratively.

It reminded me of a post I once did about taking my ‘junk’ to the cross and then taking it with me when I left. It reminded me that life is more than what our occupation is. It reminded me that sometimes we forget what our passion was and ‘settle’ and life is supposed to be more than just settling.

Here’s to an ‘unsettled’ Monday! LOL

Spring Break?

2010-03-21T12:09:00.003-05:00

Yesterday as the snow fell...YES I said snow...I dreamed of those long-gone college days and that time of year when you didn't think you could take one more lecture, pop-quiz or another blue-book exam when all you really wanted to do was step outside into the sunshine and soak up the rays as you dreamed of being done with school altogether! I wanted a SPRING BREAK! I get spring fever bad! I am a summer person and love the sun and heat, heat, heat.

My boss recommended I go to a tanning booth. She said that it would help fulfill this sun-craving I've had. I still haven't done that because frankly I'd feel goofy going in for a one time visit of pseudo-sunshine (via tanning-bulbs), but maybe I should.

El Nino' or El Nina, whichever, has been stomping us for the past year and I'm so over it. I honestly think I'm starting to experience some of that SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and just really need some time outside in the sun.

So today the sun is shining and while there is still snow on the roads (for now), I do intend to step outside, maybe take a walk or even a drive to feel the sun rays on my face and dream of spring breaks gone by.

...Lord, let the sunshine hang out for awhile and let us see the wonder of spring through your creation...pretty please?

Trust

2010-03-19T21:49:00.003-05:00

Someone at work found this quote that we cannot find the source, but that absolutely spoke to me. As you can see if you read here very much I love words and words that are designed to inspire...even more!

This is helping me over a hump right now that I'm not quite ready to share about, but that is chipping away at a wall and some 'soul-scabs' I've had for some time.

"Trust: Belief in & reliance upon the integrity & ability of each other."

I'm struggling a bit with my faith and Anne Lamott helped make it a bit more 'real' for me and also made me realize that I am not alone in my quest for wisdom and TRUTH. The idea of trust has been warped for a bit and while I know it's within me to trust, I also know I have to be careful in whom I put that precious trust.

Hopeful

2010-03-08T16:53:00.001-06:00

I heard this quote last week at the end of an episode of Criminal Minds. They have quotes at the beginning and/or end of each episode and this one really spoke to me. It’s a section of a poem by Emily Dickinson.

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.”

By the end of last week I was ready for a reprieve and found it in this quote. Then after hearing this, serendipitously I also resumed reading a book I had ‘put away’ some time ago as I just couldn’t get into it. Now I can totally get ‘into it’ and it is food for this ravaged soul.

I am reading Anne Lamott’s “Plan B Further Thoughts on Faith”. If you haven’t read any of Anne Lamott’s books you have no idea what you’re missing. She writes with such raw honesty and it has helped me to know that where I am is just that…where I am right now. No excuses or apologies, I am exactly where God has me right now.

That said I am HOPEFUL that the ‘thing with feathers perched in my soul…’ is alive and kicking and ready to tackle whatever comes our way.

A WIld Ride

2010-03-04T19:54:00.002-06:00

It's been one heckuva a week. Some UPS and some ditch digging DOWNS. Here it is in a nutshell...

Started the beginning of a nasty (but quick) cold on Sunday.
One of my long-term friends 'breaks up with me' stating she doesn't really know me at all.

Hubs left Monday for a business trip.
Stayed home sick with this quick-cold and heartbreak on Monday.

Tuesday work was BUSY (they saved the work for my return).
Employee I supervise goes a little ballistic about no raise/bonus for the year due to performance.
Found out I was getting a nice bonus/raise for the year.

Wednesday same ballistic employee leaves early threatening to kill self and me.
Employee is contacted by HR and police, now in the hospital.
Another friends tells me she will not 'break up' with me and not to take it personal that other friend did.

Thursday I have security walking me to and from car at work during the day.
Hurray! Husband comes home from business trip and nice dinner together.
Resting and relaxing and thinking about how things went so horribly wrong with employee.
Hoping and praying she is getting rest and relaxation and medication???

Friday is just around the corner and trying to figure out what I'm 'Passionate' about at work so I can use that for team building.

Rest....sleep....renewal....

Emotional Pain

2010-02-28T21:28:00.002-06:00

...is that place in the very core of our heart...where we just know what we're going through is going to absolutely destroy us one tear at a time.

Foiled Again

2010-02-21T17:26:00.002-06:00

My hairdresser has been 'unavailable' lately and so I found myself going grey much faster and more dramatically than I ever intended. Add to that...lo' and behold my drivers license expires next week.

EMERGENCY HAIR INTERVENTION needed!!! I had talked to a couple of ladies that had used one of our local hair schools with some success and I'm notorious for waiting too long to try to get an appointment with a 'graduate' who actually works in a SALON...and I was desperate so I decided to go to 'said' school and try it out. The issue with these schools is you can't really 'schedule' an appointment with someone you get referred to. You show up, put your name on the list and wait for the 'next available stylist/student'.

So after my 7 mile training walk on Saturday morning, I headed over to the school, put my name on the list and indicated what services I wanted and waited.

While I waited, I watched the stylists that I could see from the lobby. As always I looked at their hair. I don't know why, really. They probably didn't DO their OWN hair. But who has the nerve to ask: "Who did you hair? That's who I want to see today."

So I wait for awhile and just watched and looked around. It seemed everywhere I looked there was foil, foil, and more foil. There was more foil than a Tin Man convention. It was crazy! Plus, these are students so there is A LOT of foil. Both on heads and on the floor.

I get called back (around 11ish) and the first thing the student/stylist asks me is what I want done so I proceed to tell her the most important thing is cover the grey and then just highlight/low light the rest of it. She brings the instructor over to discuss my decision and then goes to 'mix' the potion.

She was a nice young lady and we had a great time visiting and she even turned my chair out towards the center of the room so I could continue to 'people/hair' watch. As she's 'foiling' my hair I asked her what the worst part of school is and she tells me: "Working with grey hair." I think my eyes just grew three times larger. She then proceeded to tell me she is still trying to figure it out. I tried to encourage her by telling her even my 'seasoned' stylist doesn't get them ALL covered, just do the best you can.

She complied. I sat in that chair being 'foiled' for 2 hours at least. At one point I thought I was going to pass out and I literally had to put my foil-covered head between my legs. I recovered after drinking the rest of my lukewarm water and endured the remainder of the foiling. I would wager to guess there were over 75 foils on my head. The most I had ever had was probably 20-25. Granted I have a lot of hair (and this student/stylist didn't hesitate to let me know that). I think I was assisting with the local radio stations' increased frequency that day.

About 2 additional hours later (yes 4 total) I had my hair colored, cut, dried, straightened, textured and $38.50 later I'm out the door. Yep, that's right...only $38.50 (plus tip of course). The tips are all these girls make. My regular stylist charges me between $120-$140, so this is really a steal. Is it the caliber of my regular stylists? Probably not, but for that price I'm willing to be a guinea pig and go in with that mantra: "it's not that bad. Hair grows!"

The other thing the whole process reminded me of was from the recent study of Esther I did when the women spend all those months preparing themselves to be presented to the King and they endure all these beauty treatments. I'll bet they wish they had foil back then. The things we do for beauty!

The Heart of It All

2010-02-12T06:43:00.002-06:00

It seemed a fitting title with Hallmark’s big holiday upon us.

I’ve thought a lot about what I wrote about skipping church and read and pondered the comments.

A part of me feels half submerged in a post-modern society. I've read many of the books but on some level it seems as though it's either too inclusive or too ambivalent. Whichever the case, the more I read about postmodernism the more uncertain I become about my role and the role of my church (should I find MY church).

The other half of me feels the pain of the traditional church of my childhood. During that time I was discouraged from asking questions about anything related to church or my beliefs and some of that pain and pride hangs out on my shoulders when I walk through the church doors or when there is hesitation or a strange look at some of the questions I have.

The hardest thing for me is the expectations. I think rather than setting my expectations too high, I go in expecting the worst and then I become detached when I find it. It reminds me of Scripture about setting my mind on the 'good' things and so many lessons I've had on renewing my mind.

I obviously don't have the answers and I obviously need to clear my mind and take the 'no expectations' route but this has proven much more difficult than I could imagine. Especially given my history in this area. I think I can take a certain amount of pain and indifference before I just don't want to 'play' anymore.

There is a quote about how thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character "When you are all alone, no one is observing you. The thoughts that are taking place in your mind is the blue-print of your character." I am concerned about the church-apathy infecting my character, but even more concerned by the church without legs.

The question at the pulse of MY church is asking: Why does the world continue to reject Christ? What are they seeing in ME that repels them from eternal life? and the question becomes the verb that propels the Church! Could it be the Bible is right...our evangelism is only as strong as what's inside each of us? And they will know we are Christians by our love?

I WANT to love you, but I don't know how.

Happy Valentine's Day: may love be the real reason for the season!

Skipping Church...Again

2010-02-07T11:47:00.003-06:00

I skipped church this morning...again. I'm getting to where I only show 2 weeks a month.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me or why I don't want to go...well I know some of it, but it's the same old, same old.

What makes it even harder is we have become closer with our worship leaders and I know it hurts my friend when I'm not there and somehow that isn't even enough to get me through those doors each week.

It's not that I don't LIKE it. It's just the hunger is gone. The desire is gone. The purpose seems lacking.

Add to that, people are leaving church because they are either embarrassed by stuff they are going through or they feel 'judged'. My problem with that is church SHOULD be the one place we can be completely transparent and receive grace and forgiveness offered to us by our Father.

Sometimes I feel like the whole purpose of church (or the churches we've attended) is so skewed towards 'growth' that everything else becomes secondary. Sure there is always the push for help in the children's ministry or assistance in maintaining the building, but in terms of real fellowship and belonging, it just doesn't seem to be working. At first I thought it was because I was always so drawn to 'start-up' churches, but now I think there's more to it. We've been to churches that are well established and it still feels very fragmented, almost fractured.

Then I find myself making excuses. Sort of like when you break up with someone you weren't 'in love with'. See if this sounds familiar.

"It's not you, it's me."

That's what I think I'm saying to church right now. "I like you as a friend, but just not in 'that' way."

Now where do I go from here?

Just wondering...

Blanket

2010-02-01T18:56:00.002-06:00

disclaimer: This is in no way related to Michael Jackson's baby.

At church this weekend the pastor was talking about the beauty of the blanket of snow covering our land right now. He talked about how this snow is to serve as a reminder of how Jesus’ blood purified us making us ‘white as snow’.

Well I can assure you with the exception of the first hours of silent snow falling; NONE of that snow is white. It’s that grey drab dingy snow, nothing pure about it. It’s been walked on, driven on, animals have used it…it’s NOT clean.

Of course as I began to ponder the snow and it’s discoloring God began to speak.

He told me that the blanket becomes dirty and drab because of our own choices. Just like a car pollutes the snow, our lives pollute this blanket we’ve been given.

It doesn’t come across nearly so profound as it did when I heard him whisper it to me on Sunday, but it does remind me today and hopefully in the coming days as we endure the ‘melting phase’ yet again, to take care of that gift from Jesus and to cherish that cleansing and to live my life as a living sacrifice not to the world, but to Him.

Ironically…or not, today’s Scripture on my calendar is: I Corinthians 6:19

"Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who lives in you and was given to you by God. You do not belong to yourself for God bought you with a high price so you must honor God with your body.”

Another one of those reminders that it’s not just the outside, but the inside too! Sounds like it could be a cleansing week for me.

In other news…I read that there is a group of activists strongly opposing waking the groundhog to check for his shadow, as these animals are supposed to hibernate from early November through March.

Apparently Punxsutawney Phil’s handler has stated that this hibernation is not like “Sleeping Beauty”. The animals still get up and eat.

In any event there is some talk about using a computerized model of “Phil” and then some say he hasn’t been that accurate over the past few years anyway, so perhaps he’s not that good an indicator…YOU THINK!

I think I’ll stick to the Farmer’s Almanac who predicted a ‘wetter than normal’ winter for us and lo’ and behold, those Farmers are right on track!

The Thing About Writing...

2010-01-24T13:30:00.003-06:00

...is you gotta do it!

I have this inner-voice telling me to "Write-Write!" Then the outer person got so distracted by facebook that I've been an absentee writer. Then it seemed others' around me were living MY DREAM and I realized, I've all but forsaken my love of writing. So, in an effort to hone and honor this gift (God's gift to me, not my gift to this page, LOL) and in an effort not to lose it (refer to Parable of the Talents), I will return to my first love. The blog...the written word.

I've struggled with what to share because as I've mentioned my family is walking directly through hell and frankly I'm not in a position to share all that (confidentiality rules and all). So instead I return to short little blurbs as I find my voice once again, the voice my Father gave me. The voice that when I look back has served me well. It has served as a place of refuge and devotion. It has served as a time of reflection and humor. It has served as my journal. Above all it has been a gift from God.

So...today I'll just throw out this quote that I found on Quotes on Life, a little site that I love, because again I love words and wisdom and quotes are both!

Here is what I have been pondering a couple of days: "You can't control the outer circumstances of your life but you can control how you react to them. That makes you dominant over circumstances." - Anonymous

How true this is. I'm a living example of this right now. It reminds me of what I learned in a sermon about 'joy' once. Joy is our emotional stability. Joy is not the same as Happiness. We can feel happiness as a response to Joy, but happiness can be compromised...joy cannot.

Am I dominant over my circumstances? Yes, most days I'd answer "Yes." Some days; however, I choose to become a victim instead of an author and I allow my circumstances to dominate me and I lose my joy.

Father help me keep this joy you have given me through you Spirit. Help me understand and live in joy daily. Help me not to fall victim to circumstances, rather to rise above and beyond to this higher path you have me on.

Walking

2010-01-20T20:07:00.005-06:00

One of my friends at work asked me if I would be interested in training to do a half-marathon this spring. Oklahoma has a big marathon to commemorate the day the city was forever changed by the deeds of a few very ill men. SO at the end of April each year there is a Memorial Marathon. It's become a fairly large event, at least in these parts.

At first I thought she was joking. Ever since she had her newest baby (last July) we hadn't even walked. She had always been my 'break time' walking buddy and we walked laps 30 minutes each day during breaks.

I said, "I'm not running in a marathon." Then she let me in on the secret...you can WALK the marathon...or half marathon in my case.

Okay...so now we're talking. I can walk. I can walk for days!

So we 'joined' a walking club that meets at our large lake each Saturday from Jan 2, 2010 til the race day (no matter HOW cold) and we walk...anywhere from 2-9.5 miles. We are then encouraged to walk during the week at least half each day of what we walk on that Saturday.

The hubs and I were out there that first weekend, it was below freezing, but we walked. We were supposed to go 3 miles, but I could only endure 2. Did I mention it was COLD! We came home and officially registered for the race and $70.00 later (for each one of us), we are NOT giving up til the race is completed.

I've always wondered what those 13.1 stickers are I see on vehicles and now I'm aiming for one of my very own! SO we walk...and walk...and walk.

I have been walking on the Saturday's (5 miles last Saturday) and 2-5 miles each week day. The other part of the goal is to get our miles down to below 15 minutes, so we can complete this 13.1 miles in under 4 hours. So far...it's going okay...we can do probably 17 minute miles, but we're going to work on it.

I've been getting a bit discouraged, because get this, I actually gained 1 pound as of today and that doesn't make me very happy for as devoted as I've been to this exercise and eating right sort of thing. I am convinced my body thinks I'm trying to kill myself and is keeping every calorie I intake as storage for the looming death by exercise and starvation.

The good thing about walking is, as I concentrate on breathing, is I don't think so much about family and therapy and interventions. I don't think about anything but surviving to be honest. And completing this goal of course. You know I tend towards the competitive side and I'm vested financially so I've got to do this thing.

So when you're sleeping in on Saturday morning, think of us marathon trainers at the lake walking...come rain, sun, wind, whatever! Like the postal service only with a better attitude...I hope.

Wordless

2010-01-18T19:53:00.002-06:00

I feel a bit like 'Ordinary' when he got to Sanctuary and the Dream Giver asked him to hand over his dream...

I'm not even sure if I have a dream anymore.

I think it's just all the emotional upheaval from family stuff, counselling and over-analyzing every single word I say or decision I made. But lately I just feel like I want to run away...from family, work, church, friends, frankly...everything. Except the hubs of course.

I am trying to find the words, but they just won't come. So I'll close this tonight with a prayer.

Father, help me find you in the midst of all this turmoil and uncertainty. Help me hunger for you and your desires for me. Help me to find the dream you gave me, so that I can surrender it back to you and allow you to use it...and use me.

In Jesus name...
kpjara

Returning To My Roots

2010-01-17T09:20:00.005-06:00

It's been awhile, once again. I'll confess I've become ensnared in Facebook and have a hard time finding time to 'blog' on top of it. While it's fun to see everyone on Facebook, I do miss the 'exercise' of writing and having an outlet for all God wants me to process...and lately there is A LOT! I've also seen the negative side of Facebook. I won't go into details.

In any event, I'm here and going to try to commit to writing at least once a week and hopefully more often, because I have so much to process.

On top of the snow storm of 2009, our family experienced an intervention that has torn a scab and leaves the whole family bleeding. We have been going to family counseling and if I am completely honest with you I would say...I HATE counseling. I am not crazy about laying it all out there (and I still hold some of it in), but it's a necessary part of the process and for the person going through this intervention I am hoping and praying it will work.

I thought I'd include some of the snow storm pictures...though for my friends in the north it may not seem like much, but for this 1 snow-plow town (exaggeration, but it seems that way after living in Colorado and this not even affecting school)...it shut us down at Christmas.

Above is the picture in front of our house. There were drifts up to 3 feet tall and cars abandoned all over town for days. The picture below is the 'snow dog' the one with so much hair she loves to roll in it and I guess it cools her nose??? She's about 13, but snow just brings her to life! So I guess that was a good part of that nasty weather. The Farmer's Almanac called it, I should've listened.

Oh Happy Day!

2009-12-01T13:16:00.003-06:00

I happened to look at my little ‘earbuds’ today. I guess I had never paid that much attention to them. I bought these ‘discounted’ (under $4.00) at a store solely because they had ‘bling’ on them and they go into the ear instead of ‘sitting’ outside the ear where the only thing I can hear is all the distractions I am trying to block out on a daily basis.

Anyhoo…when I looked closely at these little earbuds…they actually have a tiny R and L for right and left. They look identical in every way. How could they be assigned to an ear and is it MY right and left or my right and left when FACING me.

I tried them in each ear and I think they actually do sound a bit different; however, I had never noticed it before or paid attention to it before. It must be power of suggestion.

I’m going to be diligent to wear them in the assigned ear, so as not to reduce the sound quality…and because, of course, I must follow the rules!

My other observation, which is more of a life lesson, involves a random purchase I made the Saturday after Thanksgiving while shopping for gifts. I think I bought more for myself than anyone else. Let’s just say I’m going to have a number of gifts under the tree from the dogs! I found this little ‘lesson’ in Gordman’s, one of my FAVORITE stores. They have this ‘As Seen on TV’ section I was perusing for strange gifts for a work party, when I found these:

And thought I’d give them a shot.

The first thing you should know is I am NOT double jointed and frankly there should be a disclaimer that states: “If you are unable to reach behind your back and attach the second strap, while holding the 1st strap in position and then slide the device down your back, past the plastic thingamajig that is currently causing the slipping to begin with, you will have NO problem using these devices. If however, you are not double jointed, experience chest pains from exertion, have never done gymnastics, or are over the age of 24, you will be unable to complete this maneuver and should just deal with sliding bra straps or safety pin those things to your clothing. The tape included (as a bonus) DOES NOT WORK to provide more slip control, so please do not attempt this as you may regret the itching and pain and swelling accompanied with their use, not to mention the frustration of having to use the tape if the ‘devices’ would work. You may want to video tape the application effort in for America’s Funniest Video’s, however As Seen On TV will expect a small stipend from any monies earned in the application of this device, in the amount of 37%. Thank you for your purchase and enjoy your product!

I’m sure this ‘inventor’ was a man and never actually attempted to wear one of these. I now have a box full of these (sans the one I tried to use which may just be cursed). I plan on giving them to some unsuspecting family member or anyone who mentions they would like to ‘try’ them. If there are any takers out there in the Blogdom…let me know and I will forward these little babies to you.

I also saw one of these:

And would have purchased it too…but I have a feeling it may not work EXACTLY as they stated and I have a limit on how many As Seen on TV items I indulge in. PLUS, I took one out of the package and was rubbing my hand with it and frankly, I couldn’t see how effective it would be…though, I didn’t put the little sand paper attachments on the device. Yep…it was legitimate sand paper. I’m sure there are different grades, but I’m NOT sure women should ‘sand’ the hair off her legs. I saw an episode of some crime show where the ‘killer’ used a belt-sander on someone’s leg and it tore off part a large part of their skin. WHY would I CHOOSE to do this to myself? With the exception of a few mentally unstable girls/women, I can’t think of one person that would choose to do this. Thought it may be better than the Epi-lady, which I never fell for either!

And so…Oh Happy Day, I am listening to my Christmas tunes, with the earbuds in the correct ear and lamenting my falling bra straps. I probably should just buy a properly fitted bra, but I do NOT want to go for a proper fitting…Nah, I don't think so, I’ve heard those stories...

Sanguine Wanna-Be

2009-11-15T08:59:00.002-06:00

I have several acquaintances that are ultra-Sanguine. This is that temperament that has never met a stranger and you are the most important person to them...until someone else comes along. They are comfortable with everyone and always seem so at ease and 'engaged' in conversation.

I also had what I would consider a 'best friend' that is a Sanguine primarily. We had been friends for 27 years and then suddenly she stopped speaking to me. I'm still not exactly sure why, though I'm pretty sure it had to do with our temperament differences. I am much more aggressive and a tad (LOL) moody. She goes with the flow.

In any event, it broke my heart that she won't speak to me.

The thing with Sanguines is they are typically the people you meet first because they are so outgoing! But soon you realize EVERYONE is their best friend and it's sad to be uncertain if they would even be available if you needed them. So in our new church I watch, (honestly) with some envy, the Sanguines and their friends and I wish I could be like them.

I realize in my heart God made us all different for a reason. You see, while Sanguines are awesome at being friendly and outgoing...they don't necessarily feel empathy as deeply as some of the other temperaments and as I mentioned they don't just have a few friends, EVERYONE is their friend (or wants to be).

I am trying to truly embrace who God created me to be and I know, beyond any shadow of doubt, that I am not a Sanguine, alas, and never will be.

From the Middle

2009-11-05T21:25:00.000-06:00

I had this odd realization this year that my life is on the last half. I’ll be celebrating my 46th birthday this month and while age has never ‘bothered me’, each passing year does bring the memories of the goals I’ve made along the way…both successes and redirections.

This year my goals are:
Commit to ‘Gathering Women’ and see what God does.
Find and begin pursuing my Dream (job, life, etc).
Take better care of myself physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Strive to be a better wife.
…and most importantly…have fun!

On a Rant...

2009-10-29T20:28:00.001-05:00

I’m tired of people who complain, but never have any solutions.

I’m tired of people who are late everywhere they go.

I’m tired of people who don’t use signals while driving.

I’m tired of people who don’t work at their marriage and wonder why they’re struggling.

I’m tired of political labeling and prejudice.

I’m tired of religion.

I’m tired of laws created to protect that result in anarchy.

I’m tired of turning my head to every injustice in the world.

I’m tired of excuses.

I’m tired of this week.

And now I’ll go face my day and hear the complaints. I’ll forgive the tardy and the person who turns without signaling. I’ll listen to someone about their struggling marriage. I’ll turn off the television during political commercials and news. I’ll focus on God and not religion. I’ll vote, when I can, against laws that are created and written to be ineffective. I’ll pray for injustice. I’ll make it through this week.

WOW! I had no idea what all was going on in my head until I sat down to journal it. I had a disagreement with my father last night and ended up leaving before it got too heated from my side. But my father was screaming at me as I left. Then something happened that had never happened before…when I got home from church last night I checked my email and he emailed me an apology. That’s a first. I didn’t know what to do with all these feelings I’m having and struggling with and since I don’t see a counselor I figured...BLOG!

And now I understand why I heard a devotional yesterday that at the very end said…

My Faith is small,
My God is GREAT!

Inside-Out

2009-10-27T18:16:00.002-05:00

There is this tree outside our office window that is ‘going through the change’. I guess I’ve never noticed it before but it changes its colors from the inside out. The leaves closest to the trunk are bright red and orange and yellow. The leaves on the outside are still bright green.

As with so many of my ‘life lessons’, it got me thinking…

This tree is like I am. My beauty comes from my inside. The more whole and full my heart and soul are (the inside), the more beautiful I become on the outside. My outer ‘branches’ are still a bit green and less unique, but they are also less easily broken and act as a protective barrier to the more beautiful, yet fragile inside.

I realize that soon I will have to ‘give up’ these beautiful, fragile leaves as they fall to the ground and my trunk prepares for a long rest and then re-budding in the spring. I realize that my ‘tree of life’ goes through seasons exactly like this little tree does. I, too, go through times of molting and changing and rest and restoration and new growth. I will lose some leaves in the storms of life. I will sometimes flower and be surrounded by other life. I am sometimes praised for my beauty and sometimes ignored when I am bare.

Underneath the ground, my roots are growing stronger and larger. Each spring I come back a little bit stronger after weathering the seemingly endless winter cold. Each spring I am less ‘bothered’ by the winds and storms. I am stronger and know that each of these seasons in life are not without purpose.

I know if I am not cared for and pruned and watered I will die before my time. I know that I rely on my Creator and His creation to care for me. I know that I will not live forever, but I will live as long as I am supposed to live. I will leave behind a memory and a certainty that I was here…that I grew and knew life. I will know that my seeds created or encouraged or enabled others’ to live. I will know that my life had purpose and that my beauty was absolutely from the inside-out.

Knock-Knock-Knock

2009-10-16T12:59:00.001-05:00

“Hello! Is anyone there?” I thought as the door to my heart reverberated from someone knocking.

I had just experienced the incredible freedom that comes from seeing the fruit of much prayer and planning, preparation, and pause as Gathering Women kicked off last night. I could finally exhale. The women DID in fact come and we shared a meal, we had a few laughs and we immediately began to identify the various personalities accounted for; from the all-too-loveable, to the extremely shy & introverted, and everything in between. I felt the anointed on the prayers and felt completely at ease sharing my heart and hope for this group.

My very best girlfriend came as a guest (and I hope she will come as often as she can), even though she attends a different church and it made it so much easier to share just knowing she was in my corner as vulnerable as I was feeling. She stayed after and we got to sit and visit about how things went and what to try differently.

The hubs came home and shortly thereafter my dear friend headed for home and we went to bed. I tossed and turned not in uncertainty, rather in restlessness as my mind raced with thoughts and ideas about this ministry. I finally succumbed to exhaustion after 11:30 pm, realizing today is my ‘early’ day at work.

The knocking actually started while I was tossing and turning last night. I ignored it because I knew how important it was that I get some rest. It then resumed first thing this morning and I made a huge mistake…I answered without checking to see who was there.

Yep it was him, the evil one! He just started in about how incapable I was of doing anything at this church or any church. He told me I should just keep my mouth closed and not share and leave these women alone. They don’t want to hear what I have to say and if they do, there is someone much more eloquent and knowledgeable then me.

I’m telling you…he never rests. Obviously I realized I would be under attack, he works overtime on anything we desire to do for God. I’m sure these attacks will continue, but right now I’m absolutely certain that only solidifies my initial certainty that I am exactly on track with what God desires for Gathering Women!

Happy ‘Satan-Free’ Friday!

Gathering Women

2009-10-13T08:03:00.003-05:00

God spoke, every ‘t’ is crossed, every ‘i’ is dotted, Pastoral meetings have been held, scheduling has been nofified, a logo has been created (commercial to be postponed until voice over is available), prayer requests made, invitations distributed, and this Thursday…@ 6:30 pm, Gathering Women begins!

It’s amazing to me the amount of time and work that goes into this ministry. I’m pretty sure it would have been fine with the God speaks…Prayer spoken…ministry begins, but I have long since learned in being a part of many a ‘start-up’ church that church is as much a business as it is a place of worship.

The seed is planted (this is the baby sister of the group I always talk about CAYA-Come As You Are) and I’m so ready for it to bloom into the beautiful buds of new friendship and a full-fledged garden of every beautiful thing each woman will bring. I’m truly hoping it will be a place of love, accountability, mentorship, freedom, worship and above all else…ministry!

Prayers appreciated!

Dedicated to...

2009-09-24T13:16:00.000-05:00

One of my long-distance friends ‘got onto’ me about my lack of blogging as this is the way he stays caught up with my life. He said if I was struggling with material that I could write an entire post dedicated to him…so here it is!

My dear friend DBL!

Obviously God destined us to meet and become the best of friends from the very beginning! You were one of the friendly faces in that Physics Lab and we hit it off immediately. Silver never knew what hit him. The pranks we pulled and the rides with the t-tops were so fun…after you taught me how to remove those t-tops. You made that big University transition do-able and ultimately enjoyable.

I love your ability to teach anything. You can show a person how to do ANYTHING you can do and you truly embody the spirit of ‘give a man a fish he’ll - eat for a date, teach a man to fish…’

Okay maybe not ANYTHING because I could never do all the nursing things you do. I do remember going on ride-alongs and watching you teach your patients…so patiently, how to take care of themselves. I remember your compassion with all those patients and how it changed their lives to the end.

I remember the CATS audition in Dallas. I remember math class and the paper on suicide in nursing school. I remember even in our absolute differences of opinions, we could still discuss freely and passionately our ‘side’ at no cost to our friendship. I remember the all-night study sessions and waking ‘Ginger’ up to call the radio.

If someone asked me what your adage of life was then; I would say the one I remember most is: ‘Don’t burn your bridges’. You taught me to value speaking clearly and to articulate and to say ‘yes’ instead of ‘yeah’.

You taught me to choose my battles carefully (particularly with regards to family). You taught me that blood is thicker than water. This was important during some of those rough family times. You taught me to keep my mouth shut, when it seemed like I would burst if I didn’t say something! You taught me to think about what I’m about to say (and I need that reminder to this day)! You taught me to value my husband and remind me regularly how blessed and lucky I am to have Paul as my partner.

You taught me that life is not a goal, but a journey. You taught me that it’s never too late in life to do and accomplish things.

I am so proud of you and all you have accomplished. You have changed lives for the better. You have overcome challenges that might have debilitated others. You have passion and fire and work harder than anyone I know …sometimes to a fault (remember the grass you cut with scissors for my rehearsal dinner?).

I hope you remember the things you taught me about the importance of family and how you can never get those times back. I hope you remember that family is more important than another zero on your pay-check. Personal success is far more important than professional success. Our lives are absolutely measured by the lives’ we have touched.

To this day I would travel thousands of miles to be there for you if you called and needed me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt you would do the same. You are one of my most long-term friends and I thank God for you in my prayers.

I know I would have survived had we never met, but I thank God that He saw the value in our meeting and that we have weathered distance and time apart. I thank God that you are my friend!

I love you.

Blog-Dog

2009-09-18T17:30:00.009-05:00

I’ve been a blog-dog lately and not only have I not written anything, but I’ve been extremely lax in reading my favorite sites too!

Let me see if I can post an update if for no other reason than to have an entry for the month.

1. My 11th anniversary is tomorrow. Since we are not blessed with children of our own…it is still one of the most treasured days of my life on earth…right up there with birth and graduations.

My husband is still the ‘one’ and I hope we have many more years together.

2. We just returned from a mega-vacation. We had really anticipated going to Disney World this year (and we still will one day)…but instead decided a trip to see my brother and SIL would be better. They live in a lovely township across the bridges from Philadelphia in Mt. Holly, NJ.

Thursday: We did so much traveling. We drove from OKC up I-44, to Indianapolis the first day (LONG DRIVE). We didn’t site see there, too late to do much.

Friday: The following day we drove over to Canton, OH to see the Pro-Football Hall of Fame. Very cool, if I do say so myself, oh and we happened by this darling Smucker’s outlet that is the site of the original Smucker’s kitchen. I had no idea Smuckers, Pillsbury, Martha, some coffee company and a few others were all one big company now and they all represented.

Saturday: The next day it was on over to Mt. Holly via the Poconos and Northern Pennsylvania. We saw TONS of corn. As a matter of fact from IL through PA we saw corn, corn, corn, corn! I can’t imagine what the real CORN state is like.

Once we arrived in NJ, my brother had made a dinner of homemade ‘brick-oven’ style pizza, then we drove over to Wildwood a beach on the edge of Cape May, NJ. It was about 9:00 pm when we arrived there and PACKED OUT! The first thing we did was walk the ½ mile across beach to put our feet in the water. I always feel so at home around the beach. I’m definitely a water person!

We walked the boardwalk (miles of it) and then headed back to their home. We got in after 1:00 am…slept like a log!

Sunday: The next day we were up and out early to go to their local Flea Market. It was like a giant garage sale with local food. It was very cool. I picked up a couple of little things for my home.

We went to their very URBAN church in downtown Philadelphia that evening and I was amazed to see so many homeless people attending. It was d efinitely a different but great experience. The sound wasn’t great, so it was hard to hear the message, but it was cool just to sit and observe.

Monday: Labor Day, we drove to Staten Island and took the Ferry across to NYC. We spent all day at NYC. We walked about 20-25 miles during the course of the day and my legs were beat!

Tuesday: We went to Amish Country and shopped and ate…
Wednesday: We went to downtown Philadelphia and were typical camera carrying site-seers.

Thursday: Hung out close to Mt. Holly and then attended the Philosophy class my brother teaches at a local college.

Friday: Headed out early and drove to Knoxville, TN (LONG DRIVING DAY). Did see this lovely creature there...at a gas station no less! He had the nerve to Cock-a-Doodle-Doo me (when I took his picture) and it was already after 8:30 am

Saturday: Over to Memphis to see Graceland (Swooning for Elvis) and then to Mississippi to a River-Boat Casino.

Sunday: Home again, Home again. The dogs were SO happy to see us.

Monday: Laundry and mentally prepare for work.

So…I do have an excuse for a few weeks in preparing for the trip and being gone and without a laptop to blog-long-distance anymore, it makes it hard to keep up.

I still go back and forth about whether to even continue this blog, but I just can’t bear to close it up. It’s been so therapeutic for me so many times and it’s much more hand-friendly than handwriting a journal.

Total Bummer

2009-08-06T17:11:00.003-05:00

The hubs and I have been diligently working the "Dave Ramsey" debt payoff plan for a few years now (yep...a few YEARS). It's good to work towards this goal, but sometimes the experience is less than rewarding.

We recently tried to refinance our home at a better interest rate and everything was going along swimmingly when suddenly...stopped cold by the lender. With the great new interest rates and SO many homes available it seems lenders are a bit less friendly about their lending. So...not only are we not refinancing but we're out earnest money. Total bummer!

I realize in the long run I'll understand the WHY'S to this minor set-back and we'll continue on our debt payoff plan...but man oh' man is it frustrating today!

I realized it's almost been a month since I've posted anything. In all honesty, I've been reading tons and just haven't made time for the posting.

On reading...my nephew (not the 12 y.o., but the 21 y.0.), who was passing through on his way to a communal farm he's going to move to outside San Francisco, loaned me a copy of Paulo Coelho's, "The Alchemist". I had never read this book and I LOVED it. It makes me want to read ALL his books. I was moved so many times by this journey and this story. If you haven't read it...DO IT! You won't regret it.

We also had a great visit with this nephew. I haven't seen him in years!

Work has also been crazy! Though things are improving from a business standpoint.

I guess that's really all for now. Just licking my wounds as I wait the 4 more weeks til we head out on vacation...and I can HARDLY wait. We haven't been on a real vacation since our honeymoon (11 years ago).

Life Quotes

2009-07-10T16:35:00.001-05:00

We put up meaningful quotes on our office dry-erase board in an effort to encourage and teach. I found this cool quote today for the board:

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Henry J. Kaiser (1882 - 1967)

It dawned on me that this is really our life’s mantra:

When your LIFE speaks for itself, don’t interrupt!

After all, what is more telling than the way you live your life. Sometimes words only mislead, puff up, or sully the message that is…my life!

I like it. It reminds me of the old ‘walk the walk’ adage.

In A Shadow

2009-07-08T16:32:00.004-05:00

I'll admit I usually like the happy endings. As a matter of fact I'll avoid a movie if it seems like it's going to end sadly. I walk out of movies feeling completely let down when the hero or heroine dies and I wasn't expecting it. After all I go to the movies to be entertained. Life is hard enough without paying to see additional sadness.

Maybe it's supposed to make us feel better about lives...when we see characters suffer on film. I don't know. In any event, I had been waiting to see "My Sister's Keeper" until I had read that book. I bought the book and thought I'd let my niece read it first, since she is sometimes a quicker reader than I and she has the summer off, so she has plenty of reading time.

She didn't get it read and lost the book, so I went to the movie not sure what to expect (aside from the information on the trailer). I knew it was going to be sad and a tear-jerker. What I didn't realize is that it was going to hit so close to home.

What dawned on me during this movie is that having a little sister who has struggled with her health her entire life...literally...has left me feeling that my life is less important because I am healthy. The realization hit my heart like a knife.

Don't be alarmed, my realization has nothing to do with the movie's plot.

I have never been one to ask for much of anything and i don't regret this as I became fairly independent at a young age. I have been reminded that I didn't receive much because I didn't ask and that memory stings a bit in light of a sibling who did ask...and did receive.

I also realized that a sibling who is ill requires more help...but it doesn't change what's happening to everyone else. I remember birthdays and holidays overshadowed by illness. I remember parents running off to be with a sick sibling regardless of what is going on in my own life (albeit less physically challenging). It's felt at time as though she is the only one that matters.

I talked to my brother about it and he doesn't feel this way at all, so perhaps it's my own journey to self-realization I'm experiencing. Whatever it is...I hope it's worthwhile at the end because it's painful in the interim...feeling like I'm living in a shadow.

From the Desk of Methuselah

2009-06-25T13:08:00.001-05:00

You know you work with YOUNG people when you announce that Farrah Fawcett died YOUNG at 64 years old and they reply:

“Well at 64 she was old. She lived a long life.”

“WHAT?” I said. “Sixty-Four is YOUNG. I hope to live to be in my 80’s”.

She just laughed and said: “Well, it seems old.”

She just turned 27. You think I should let her know according to her philosophy she is now basically middle aged?

In other news…Locally the news has been reporting that the recession hasn’t hit Oklahoma. I beg to differ based on this Odd-News tidbit from Yahoo:

Police: Man attacked in Okla. for bologna sandwich

OKLAHOMA CITY – A man in Oklahoma City said he was attacked for his bologna and cheese sandwich. Police say 24-year-old Roger Hamilton told them he was sitting on a bus station bench Wednesday, about to put mayonnaise on his sandwich, when another man began staring at him.

Hamilton told police that the man then punched him in the mouth and grabbed his sandwich and left.

Police said Hamilton has a swollen lip and his face was covered in blood. The police report listed the value of the sandwich at 76 cents.
Police have not found the attacker.

…and YES, I am SO happy it’s Thursday!

Under the Influence

2009-06-24T13:08:00.002-05:00

My Grandmother popped into my head today. Well that’s not exactly how it happened. I was thinking about ordering some Avon nail polish (gotta love those summer shades), and that made me think of my Grandmother…My dad’s mom. She loved Avon…I never understood why she didn’t sell it. I’ll bet she spent $200 a month on Avon…a lot of money even now…imagine how much more back in the 60’s-70’s.

My Grandma babysat at the biggest church in Augusta, Ks, but also babysat most every child within a 10 mile radius, from birth til they were in school. She was called Grandma by so many children, I finally got ‘wicked mean’ and informed some of those kids, she was MY Grandma, not theirs! In my defense, it gets old sharing your Grandma with hundreds of other children…especially under the age of 10.

The older I got the more I saw how she shared her WHOLE life (time, talent & treasure) with all these children. It was like a Hallmark commercial at Christmas with all the cards and letters she would receive from all these ‘children’, thanking her for her role in their lives. As they grew and had families of their own she would watch their children, until she became too ill to care for them.

I used to spend summers with my Grandma. We lived in Colorado, so I'd come out in early June and stay til August. My grandma taught me so much during those summers I spent with her.

She taught me how to do laundry. We would go to the local ‘fluff n’ fold’ every week to wash the laundry, then bring it home to hang on the line (there is nothing like the smell of sun dried sheets). I think I got paid like seventy-five cents a week and a lunch at Taco Tico for helping. We’d sit and talk during the wash cycles, then add the fabric softener at the right time and I’d help her load those wet clothes back into her car for the trip home.

She also taught me about the Bible. The first story she read me was about Ruth. It was her favorite book of the Bible. She’d read to me the stories or have me read them to her.

She taught me how to babysit. I’d help her babysit some Sunday’s before I got old enough to sit in the sanctuary or join the choir. She taught me how to rock and pat a baby (just so) to sleep. She taught me how to teach children with love…not fear. She taught me to value each individual child and see them as individuals. She taught me that children do not all learn or respond identically and not to expect that.

Grandma died a number of years ago. I couldn’t attend her funeral. It made it too real. I miss her every summer or when I see a grandmother rocking a baby or when I see a clothes line full of clothes…I miss her.

I’m proud that she had a hand in making me who I am today! I guess I’m to be reminded that we are under the influence of many things/people we encounter…some of them are good…and some of them are not so good!

Here's to our Grandma's, may you be under their influence!

Lessons from the Folding Chair for Start-Up Churches

2009-06-22T16:55:00.001-05:00

Disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this post are obviously my own, & any names used in this post may be changed to protect the innocent.

I was chatting with the hubs yesterday about my continued disillusionment from the many churches we’ve attended. We have a fairly good church right now and I have long since come to realize there will NEVER be a PERFECT church. I refuse to believe, however; that God wouldn’t have THE church for the KPJARA family. That said, I want to share a few things with those of you who may have any influence within your churches or those of you who just need a humorous distraction for a couple of minutes.

Lesson #1: Gun-toting greeters do not make for a very welcoming experience.

Lesson #2: When the pastor needs a body guard, I do not feel safe. Surely you don’t feel you need to protect him or her from ME!

Lesson #3: When the front row is within a pastor ‘spit zone’, you may want to rethink that chair arrangement (particularly with the H1N1 pandemic).

Lesson #4: A pastor who is the greeter, lead worshipper, usher, accountant, and teacher has a control issue.

Lesson #5: Just like our mothers’ used to say: If people don’t like you, you may want to look at yourself, before pointing the finger at everyone else. (In other words: if the church isn’t growing, it’s not ME it’s probably YOU).

Lesson #6: Serving Popcorn at a service does not make it okay to have only a movie screen pastor.

Lesson #7: If over half of the congregants are yawning, you may want to move directly to the closing prayer.

Lesson #8: On Communion Sunday, please have someone pick up the little cups, since there are no holders on the folding chair backs. Oh and please stop breaking up Styrofoam cups to serve as the “body”; I don’t think it makes Jesus very happy.

Lesson #9: If you are going to do video announcements, please do a spell check prior to service…and the bulletin as well.

Lesson #10: Please perform all mike checks before service.

Lesson #11: The folding chairs do not need to touch each other, we are going to move them over a little anyway, so you might as well give us space to begin with and maybe there wouldn’t be so many empty seats between us as we vie for our personal space.

Lesson #12: Please do not compromise OR ignore the word of God to make me feel better. I have come for the truth; not a personal story, comedy show, lecture, etc.

Lesson #13: When volunteers ASK to help, don’t ignore them, and don’t try to force them into a service that isn’t their ‘gift’ (you will both regret it).

Lesson #14: Teaching is a gift, not a job.

Lesson #15: Don’t name your church on a whim. If your church is called “The Most AWESOME Church in town”, I have HIGH expectations and am let down easily. If you are the MOST AWESOME Church in town, I’ll know from my visit.

...just a few lesson from the folding chair.

Thankful Thursday

2009-06-11T16:58:00.002-05:00

I know I’ve seen this out in the blogdom, and I thought I would share mine today:

1. A heart filled with Jesus
2. Sound sleep all through the night
3. Summer Rain w/out Tornadic activity or hail
4. New breakthroughs in cancer treatment for my sister
5. Friends that ‘stick’ and help keep me in line
6. A husband whose love is real and enduring
7. Fresh fruit of summer
8. A Job that does more than pay the rent
9. Air conditioning at work and home
10. A good book
And the bonus…
11. Chick-fil-A Sandwich w/extra pickles

Thank you Lord for love, life, freedom, and every other little thing you created just for us!

oh and here is a cool shot of a cloud I took going out to ABQ this past weekend...

Rough Day at the Office

2009-06-10T16:54:00.000-05:00

I came in to work on Monday ready to get down to business after our extended weekend in Albuquerque and I had no idea what I was in for.

I was covering for another staff person who is on vacation this week and we typically get a TON of mail on Monday which has to be scanned, encoded, etc…so I’m working as quickly as I can and one of my staff people comes in the ‘cold room’ that houses these machines and is visibly shaking…and not from the temperature.

She proceeds to tell me that one of the other staff people whom I had to reprimand the previous week had told her peers that ‘she was not afraid of me and we could just go outside and handle the problem like women’. I don’t think she meant an outdoor tea party and nice conversation. She then advised another employee that she was going to slash my tires if I didn’t leave her alone.

I did speak to my supervisor about it and advised I did want HR involved and…well after a day of meetings and individual phone conferences it was decided nothing needed to be done.

Now I’m all about forgiveness, but somehow I don’t feel so good about this resolution. Basically if she says or does anything else or retaliates against the other two staff people, then HR will do something further.

My boss asked me if I was okay with that.

I informed her that “No, I was NOT okay with it, but I guess I would get okay with it, since that was the decision.”

I’m not afraid of this person, (necessarily) after all she IS a professed Christian; however, I do think it continues to send the message that the harassee has more protection than the harassed. Never fear I do not intend to be a martyr to this employer. I will do my best to continue to supervise her fairly, but I will keep my eyes open wider.

As I sit here pondering what life lesson is to come from this…I think it’s less about forgiveness and more about the reminder that God is truly the only sovereign and just ruler and while my employer may turn their head, God will ALWAYS be here to cover me.

And the Award Goes to...

2009-06-04T17:21:00.001-05:00

This morning I heard Forbes had announced the new ‘World’s Most Influential Woman’ is no longer Oprah Winfrey and while I’m not terribly disappointed to see her dethroned her replacement leaves me stunned...and not in a good way.

Yes, it’s none other than tattoo altered, blood vial necklace wearing, husband-fetching, Angelina Jolie. I’m not a huge fan of Ang’, as a matter of fact…I’m not a fan at all. Oh sure, I’d love to have her bod. She’s got the ‘look’, but in terms of her influence on me as a woman of the world…well let’s just say that perhaps I’m not one of the women taking this poll to determine who will influence me. Yes she’s doing her part in adopting a child from every nation and I suppose she is supporting unemployed Nanny’s of the world, and she is a UN Ambassador for volunteer work…but her only influence on me is what movies NOT to see.

In all honesty, I haven’t been terribly influenced by Oprah either. I think she done some incredible things with her money and time, but I also think she rides the fence a bit and is more about pleasing the masses, than what her heart dictates.

Oh and before I forget, it only stands to reason that the most influential infant…Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Yep, the little heir seems to have inherited that influential gene from her mom.

This week the hubs and I saw this Christian Comedian (Elijah Tindall) who is relocating to L.A. to work with the entertainment industry and help affect change in L.A. He reminded us that while we are sometimes, as Christians, frustrated with the words and actions of these STARS, we might be better off by praying for them, rather than berating them.

Okay, so my new prayer goal is Angelina Jolie…that she would live to represent and influence me as a woman…in a positive way! Oh and obviously that she would hear and receive the powerful message of the gospel.

*side note: After researching this more closely on the information-soaked Internet, it appears Jolie was actually named: Most Influential CELEBRITY. Okay, well the prayer list grows as it appears both Oprah and Madonna are close to the top as well.

Sticks & Stones

2009-06-03T12:56:00.001-05:00

…will break my bones, but names will hurt forever.

There is a very quiet young woman at my work who is consistently apologizing for what she says, does, questions, etc. all day, every day. I remind her daily she does not need to apologize when she questions things or when she says things related to work. She even apologizes for her feelings. Admittedly there are times when it begins to push buttons with me and I want to remind her sharply NOT to do it…however, there is a group of older ladies at work, one in particular, who is a BULLY. She jokes with others’ about this other young lady and intentionally mocks her in front of her peers.

I feel strongly about not reprimanding others’ in front of their peers, but I am beginning to think the only way this older lady will learn is to embarrass her in front of her ‘posse’. I guess that’s sort of akin to spanking a child and saying: “we don’t hit!”

I do meet monthly with these ladies to give them ongoing evaluations and I will discuss it with her; however, my greatest concern is the long-lasting damage to this ‘target’. She rarely interacts with any of the other staff and when she does, it’s as though her opinion or thoughts are less important than theirs.

I’m not sure if it just reminds me of my past, though my temperament is such that I only took it for about 15 minutes, then I began to unleash my own ‘names’. Whatever it is it bugs me…because words really do hurt far longer and harder than any broken bones.

Touchy-Touchy

2009-05-20T16:28:00.001-05:00

I am a very tactile person. I love to touch things. I cannot go through a clothing store without TOUCHING all the fabrics everything is made of. I touch everything. I touch fruit, vegetables, artwork, glasses, flowers, sand at the beach, jewelry; just about anything I’m legally allowed to touch.

One of my friends from college used to give me such a hard time about my ‘need to touch’. I have no explanation…maybe it’s because we were always told as children “don’t touch anything” when we’d be forced to go with Mom shopping cause Dad was watching a game. It could have just been another form of rebellion…at least initially. Now I just love the ways things feel.

This could also explain my need to use my hands with artwork. I like to paint with my hands, create things with my hands. I never could get into knitting and crocheting…I think it’s because I can’t just do it with my hands. WAYYYY back in the late 70’s I used to go to a macramé group with my mother. I really enjoyed it…I think because you use your hands. Don’t scoff; macramé was very popular before it became the brunt of all hippy jokes. I would probably also enjoy basket weaving, though I’ve never given it a try.

There is this fairly new commercial, I think it’s for Kleenex or some tissue product. Anyway the woman in the commercial touches everything she walks by and says the word, “touch”. Then she gets to the product and she touches it and says, “Feel!” It’s as though she finally FEELS something.

Of course all this thought process brings me to my own experience. Perhaps part of my need for the touch stimulus is because I am an extremely feeling person. I am not really SHOWY with my feelings, but I feel thing extremely deeply.

The other thought is that we are created in God’s image and I know, based on how God created us, He LOVES TOUCH TOO!

Destined For the Impossible

2009-05-13T16:57:00.000-05:00

Lately I’ve pondered my creation. I’ve been considering all that God created me for. Sometimes it can be so self-defeating it’s almost debilitating. Sometimes I can’t quite reach what I was created for and sometimes it almost feels overwhelming the things God DOES want me to do. There are times when I wonder if I’ll ever reach my potential.

The answer is a resounding…no.

I’ll never reach MY potential, and I’LL never reach God’s potential.

I was reminded of a few things this past week.

#1: There are people who will stop at nothing to keep us from achieving God’s dream in us.
#2: God pre-ordained us to the dream He placed in us.
#3: God doesn’t call us to the possible. He ONLY calls us to the IMPOSSIBLE.

I have this CD called “The Nature of God”. I wish I knew who did it. All I can tell you is it’s an Australian pastor. Here is part of what he says:

God doesn’t call you to security in what you’re doing, He only calls you into security in who He is.
The only assurance is that His great heart will sustain us.

What God has called us to is outrageous, impossible, & totally unpredictable and the only way that we will do it is because we are secure in the nature of God.

You’re perfect, you’re perfect for God. He’s going to make you perfect in his nature, stamping the image of Jesus on you. It’s going to be great. That’s what the desert is about, it’s about discovering the majesty of God.

Hosea 2:14-15: I will captivate her heart and draw her into the wilderness to speak kindly to her.

And out of that place of coming into a revelation of the nature of God, to me, God will give you a vineyard of fruitfulness. You see he knows the plan he has for you, the things he wants for you to accomplish, but first, first, I want you to see me, as I really, really am for you. As I am for you, as I am for you. I want you to know me as I am for you. Every one of us needs a revelation of the nature of God.

So I am ABSOLUTELY destined for the impossible…maybe it should be called the Him-possible!

Why I Don't Read the DSM-IV

2009-05-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

I’ve mentioned this wonderful study I’m doing right now with a dear friend of mine… “Hiding From Love” by Dr. John Townsend. It’s quite insightful and helpful with regards to understanding the ‘why and what’ to our hiding.

The one problem I’m finding is I can relate to almost each scenario. We’re on the second to last chapter, “Hiding From Authority and Adulthood”, and as I reviewed the work book I had to literally stop and meditate about whether I was just being too hard on myself or did I really have valid examples for almost every single scenario.

Then it dawned on me...even I’m not quite THAT hidden!

…and that is why I don’t read the DSM-IV.

Rain Rain Go AWAY!

2009-05-06T13:04:00.002-05:00

I think I’ve got a bad case of S-A-D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) going on. The lack of sunshine is totally bumming me out. I’m crankier and get agitated easily. I am tired and want to laze around and hibernate until summer. And I want to whine about it…apparently.

Others have reminded me that the rain bring the flowers and keeps our grass green…but I only have one flower pot and I water it regularly and green grass isn’t a huge priority for me…sunshine, on the other hand, is a ‘must-have’ in my life.

I was just thinking…maybe this is how the H.S. feels while indwelling me and when I lack SON shine. All those times I hide in the shadow of deception or jealousy. The times I choose to wear SON glasses ‘protecting’ my eyes from truth and light.

Maybe this rain is here to help remind me to appreciate the SON Shine in my life and to nurture it and to allow it to shine!

…just thinking.

My Life Is An Open Book...

2009-05-05T13:21:00.002-05:00

But is it one worth reading?

I got to thinking this morning on the drive into work about my love of books. I love a good read and get through probably 50-100 books a year. I read both fiction and non-fiction. I have favorites. I have authors I can’t wait to read; like Karen Kingsbury, Terri Blackstock, Carol Kent, and Brian McLaren. I also have authors I have to avoid…no need to name these.

Several years ago when God was ‘cleaning out my life-closets’ He encouraged me to purge all the junk. The hubs and I purged cd’s and books that didn’t seem so edifying and served no real purpose in our lives. Purging books wasn’t easy…at first. After several months with only Christian fiction, I began to see that my mind was being transformed by what I was reading. I would pick up other books at garage sales and flip through them and some of the stories were so full of ‘junk’ it was hard to see any story behind those words.

God, in His ever present quest to ‘purify’ has recently been ‘cleaning out more life-closets’ (you know how closets can be such a dumping ground of everything you don’t need or want to see RIGHT now)…and God pointed out a couple of things. My ‘story’ was straying a bit from the stories I now choose to read. My ‘story’ was becoming filled with ‘fluff’ and not even really edifying fluff. Of course God, in His infinite wisdom, didn’t make me empty the closet right then, but He did ask that I really give thought and time to the process of my life (story) and remember the transformation so many years ago.

So, today I’m reflecting on my life and hoping to do a bit of a ‘life-purge’ a little at a time and maybe, just maybe, my story will be one I’d love to read one day!

Follow You Where?

2009-05-01T13:29:00.001-05:00

This morning AIR-1 was talking about the Scripture in Matthew when Jesus ‘asks’ Matthew to leave his work and follow Him.

Matthew doesn’t hesitate…he gets up, leaves and follows Jesus.

So I began to wonder what would happen if Jesus came to my desk and said, “Kim, leave your work, come and follow me and be my disciple.”

The remainder of this (imagined) conversation goes a bit like this…

KIM: “Well, Jesus I have quite a bit of work to finish up on here, I may have to catch up with you during the evening discipleship classes only.”

JESUS: “Kim, there is nothing here that someone else cannot do. I am asking you to come and follow me…now.”

KIM: “But Lord, what about the problem solving and friendship…and the money I make here. How will I provide for myself?”

JESUS: “These are all mine to take care of. Our Father provides for all our needs, so money has never been an issue.”

KIM: “Well what about everything I need to take care of at home?”

JESUS: “Mine! Come on, it’s time to step outside that comfort zone and just listen to me and learn.”

Okay, so perhaps it would be a bit different, but somehow I have a feeling I would have hesitated. It does concern me a bit, because I WANT to believe I’d get up and drop it all and follow Him, but I’m not really sure that’s how it would play.

Thankfully Jesus will ask and ask and ask and ask and ask…and one day…I’ll be ready to leave it all behind and GO!

A Good Day...

2009-04-30T16:56:00.000-05:00

The day your niece FINALLY moves home…

You wear a new ultra-white sweater and don’t get one stain on it…even after drinking chocolate milk for breakfast…

The sun peaks out from behind the storm clouds…

The temp crawls above 80…

Your dogs remind you just how loved you are…

You hit the lights green…

You see the weekend ahead and it’s not jam packed…

Your favorite neighborhood is having a neighborhood garage sale this weekend…

May Day means summer is just around the corner…

The Edmond Arts Festival is this weekend, which means time with good friends…

You can walk during breaks and not feel any pain at all…

You have some new outside window Windex ready to try out when the rain lets up…

You have TONS of extra hangers…post garage sale…

I have a Heavenly Father who thinks the WORLD of me…and YOU too!

…it’s been a very good day!

Scene From My Cube...and OF My Cube

2009-04-23T13:17:00.004-05:00

Yep, this is what I see when I'm standing up from my desk. There are a BUNCH more cubes to the left, but you can't see them til you walk out of the area a bit.

This is the far left of my desk. Yep! I scored a window and YEP that's the fabulous view of the dumpster!

This is the middle of my desk where the computer is and that darn phone!

And here is the far right. Yes, that is a boxing alien with a peace sign. I joke that he fights for peace!

Well...I hope you enjoyed this little visit to my daytime abode!

Have a pleasant day and thanks for visiting!

Heart Surgery

2009-04-20T20:18:00.002-05:00

Okay not really, but it feels a bit like it and in a sense…I suppose it is.

I just finished reading “The Shack”. I’ll be honest it was rough at first. I didn’t think I would be able to finish it as it was S L O W going the first couple of chapters. When I read if I don’t delve right in I may never finish it. Everyone I talked to that had completed it said it was rough at first but once you get going it’s a pretty good read.

I have come to realize they don’t give it enough credit.

When Mack (the main character) ends up at the shack (a place of horrendous personal memories for him) he is greeted by God, Jesus and the H.S. God is embodied by an African American woman. Jesus is an average looking Jewish male and the H.S. seems to be some sort of ethereal Asian (perhaps) woman who never stays still long enough to get a full glimpse.

As if that isn’t enough to pull you in, the conversations these three have with Mack are truly thought provoking. When speaking with “God” about free-will, God reminded Mack that even free-will is influenced by so many things and we don’t even realize it. God asks if it is still free-will if it is influenced by gender, socio-economics, our own prejudices, etc.

The H.S. when addressing good and evil reminded Mack that; evil is the absence of good, dark is the absence of light, and death is the absence of life.

I cannot even begin to tell you how this has forced me outside comfort zones and perhaps even a bit of stagnancy. I’m hopeful I'm able to comprehend everything, but I may just read it again for good measure.

My heart has been touched...healed to an extent and I'm at that place where I want to read something else, but I don't want to let this story go yet.

If you haven't read it...do it. If you've started but got stuck...keep reading!

Life Preserver

2009-04-17T11:18:00.001-05:00

So, I was sitting at work this morning feeling a bit uncomfortable. I felt so uncomfortable in my skin. It was like I was wearing a life preserver around my waist under my clothes. You see, I’ve put on about 11 pounds in the past 3-4 months and I was having a hard time figuring out why.

God, in His infinite wisdom (and grace), took my focus off the question of why I had gained weight and put my mind back to the life preserver.

I was like… ‘Yeah, God, I get it. It’s a LIFE preserver! It’s uncomfortable! It’s big and bulky like me right now!”

God usually just waits patiently as I process through these thoughts.

“No!” he said. “It’s not ALL about the food you are eating. It’s not ALL the chocolate or the processed junk food you snack on. Think more about the WHY and not the WHAT.” he prodded.

Then He flicked the switch because I was just ‘swimming’ and ‘drifting’ in thoughts that were taking me farther and farther away from His lesson. (Didn't you love how I did that? LOL)

“My precious daughter, the life preserver is the WHY! You are eating in an effort to keep yourself afloat emotionally and sadly, it’s doing just the opposite, both emotionally AND physically, and frankly…spiritually.”

WOW! What’s a girl to do with that little epiphany? Of course God reminded me that His love is not conditional to the size on my pant label, nor is it lessened by the chocolate that passes my lips. Like a loving parent, (minus the judgment and harsh words), God desires my life to be full and without the hindrance of this extra weight. When I ‘eat’ something to feel better I am trying to replace God’s sovereign role in my life. God wants to be the only life preserver in my life.

“I’m not sure how to take it off, Lord. I’ve had it all my life!” I sadly confessed.

“I will show you, if you trust me. Do you trust me?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” I said sadly. “I really thought this was your judgment of my bad choices.”

God just shook his head slowly, side to side, with a tear sliding down his face. “No, my daughter. Your weight is not my judgment, it’s yours. Your weight is a part of this journey of life. You may take a turn I wouldn’t desire for you, but I do not sit in judgment of that turn. I desire that you seek ME with all your heart, soul, mind, body, spirit, but even if you don’t…I still love you deeply!”

You know what I had to ask! “Why can’t you just speak this weight off of me?” I couldn’t help it, I had to know.

He reminded me that the number on the scale…the destination…is not nearly as important as the journey! My journey to lose this impractical and uncomfortable life preserver is where the grace and mercy resides that I am so in need of right now.

Thankfully Jesus will also teach me to walk on water, so I don’t need the darn preserver anymore!

God's Serendipity

2009-04-16T13:16:00.002-05:00

This is a side story of MY STORY. I just felt it deserved its own place in my story because it truly changed my life.

When I was living in Baltimore, back in the early nineties I got some news from my employer that I was going to be laid off. I wasn’t really all that sad as I had been there about 4 years and that is typically my ‘max’ anyway (before I get too bored and need a change).

I looked at the lay-off and severance package as an opportunity to go back to school and MOVE to Phoenix. I was SO excited. I called and started finding about apartments, utilities, etc. Then I called the school and was informed the Art Therapy program was being phased out and they were currently only having every other year applications. In addition I needed some additional art courses and a professional portfolio with sculptures (which I hadn’t even begun yet).

I immediately felt defeated. I had always wanted to go to Phoenix and after a few Baltimore winters I was MORE than ready. So…I did a search for other Art Therapy programs in the southwest and lo’ and behold found one at UNM in Albuquerque.

Now back then I didn’t even know how to SPELL Albuquerque, must less know where it is. My friend and I looked it up and saw it nestled in a valley by a big mountain and it looked ‘okay’. It wasn’t Phoenix, but it would do in a pinch. I read about the ambient temperature and lack of snow and felt pretty certain this was the next best thing.

So, I sold and gave away almost all of my belongings, found an apartment online and secured it, sight unseen, it was close to the University and that was all that mattered at this point. A friend of mine helped me load everything left over in my little rental U-Haul and attach that baby to my car and off we went. We left Baltimore on February 14th, 1995.

My friend is a bit of a zealous driver and we drove and drove and drove and only stopped once we got to Oklahoma City early, early February 16th (it’s about a 22 hour drive from Baltimore to OKC) to say ‘hey’ to family and hit the road the next day to get on to my final sunny destination. When we left OKC it was like 35-40 degrees.

We arrived in Albuquerque, on February 17, 1995, it was warm (like 80 degrees) and I wasn’t sure what to expect. It reminded me of an old west town. We found my TINY apartment/loft and unloaded my few belongings, returned the U-Haul and went to investigate.

My friend left on February 18, 1995 and I was on my own. I found a job quickly, enrolled in a couple of basic courses I needed and met my future husband on May 4, 1995. We were together every day after that til we were married in 1998.

Nope…I never got that Art Therapy degree…I still think about it every once in awhile. But God certainly had another plan! Now I’m married to my absolute dream husband, and I don’t ever have to wake up from this dream!

Thank you God that your plan’s are ALWAYS better than ours!

The Original Dora the Explorer!

2009-04-14T13:28:00.000-05:00

Paul’s Grandma Dora passed away yesterday after a long illness. She is survived by her husband, 6 children, 15 grandchildren (I’m pretty certain), 1 sister, numerous nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. She was home with her husband and son when she slipped away.

Grandma Dora was truly the originally explorer! I don’t know ALL about her life because I entered it at a much later stage and while there are many stories, not all of them have been shared.

The one and most important story (at least to me) is when my husband was born (about 2-3 months prematurely). Paul’s mom and dady were returning from Guam. The flight landed in LA they went to the hospital and he was born and not long after, Paul’s mom had to relocate to TX with Paul’s dad and was unable to stay at the hospital. Grandma Dora would come to the hospital and visit and hold baby Paul every day at the hospital, until his mom could come back. I think that one thing helped ensure Paul’s survival and a deep relationship with this Grandmother.

When I met Grandma Dora, it was love at first meeting. She was the most loving, kind, open woman I think I’d ever met. You see it was not always easy being ‘the white girl’ in this LARGE Hispanic family. There are many traditions and some family members felt strong that the blood line should remain Hispanic.

Not so with Grandma Dora.

I don’t know if she saw how much I loved her grandson immediately, or if she just loved ME so much she couldn’t help but try to keep me…LOL! IN any event she flat out told Paul, I was a keeper and he better not lose me…He didn’t.

Grandma Dora used to come to Albuquerque to visit every year and I loved these visits. We made it out to LA once and visited with them and the best word I can use to describe it was…serene. It probably sounds strange for LA, but it really was peaceful and Grandma Dora was the picture of serenity.

She was a woman of faith and family. She loved her kids fiercely…all of them. She would have done anything for any of them. She also loved the Lord with her whole heart and trusted Him with strong faith.

I know she’s dancing with her Father God in fields of grace now and without pain and suffering.

I thank God for her life and for her part in my life.

Teeth Minus Two

2009-04-13T13:06:00.002-05:00

No…I didn’t say “T” minus 2…I said Teeth minus 2. I had a tooth pulled this weekend and as it turned out I had to have essentially 2 pulled.

I had broken a tooth a few months ago and had been trying to work up the nerve and money to go to the dentist and have it repaired. I never could come up with the $1500 out of pocket expense so I was mulling over a decision to just have it pulled. Suffice to say I’ve had some back experiences and ‘bad luck’ with my teeth…and dentists. I think I may be in a bad gene pool for teeth!

The exposed nerve was causing me so much pain for the past three weeks that I finally broke down and went to the Dental Depot close to my home on Saturday (after I went to the requisite garage sales) and sat waiting for the ‘death of #16’. The hubs was with me or I probably would have left after the hour wait. Eventually I proceed on back to the x-ray machine then to the chair for MORE x-rays (the uncomfortable, gag-reflex-inducing ones) and another wait.

The dentist popped in to shake my hand and fight his case for the root canal/repair job, and I said only that it wasn’t in my budget at this point. I think his eyes visibly narrowed and his friendly handshake became a vice like grip as he said… “I understand.”

Why do they lie? He has NO IDEA about dental costs, because I’m quite certain he gets his services free. In any event, the request was made, the dentist left and I waited another hour for the ‘finance’ person to come explain my exit cost as I prayed that my nephew would choose a dental career so the family could reduce these expenses and wait time.

The finance lady came in and explained how much it would be, apologized for the wait. She asked if I was having nitrous and I explained I usually just get shots. She just told me if I wanted to it would be an additionally $45.00.

Then one of the dental assistants came by and stuck some NASTY tasting swabs in my mouth to help deaden it for the upcoming shots. I guess my lack of budget for the root canal/crown resulted in removal from the nitrous oxide program. Then ANOTHER dental hygienist came in and sang to me while she gave me several extremely painful shots. I had scooted almost to the bottom of the chair as she just sang and said… “This is going to sting a little bit.”

By now the train has rolled round…oh about 483 times and I’m so OVER the whole train on the track and I just want to go home and pretend I’m just fine!

But eventually the pain subsided and I didn’t feel the final plunge of the needle as it dug into my jaw line and everything from mid-lip to my EAR went numb. I’ve never had an ear go numb and initially I wondered if that was a problem.

Finally the doctor came in and easily extracted a root and remaining tooth from the bottom tooth that was a ‘failed’ repair from years past and then started working on this pesky molar on top. He pulled and pulled and dug and dug and pulled some more…then he said ‘Hmm, I think we’re going to have to cut this one out.’

“WHAT?????????????” I said internally? This is where I’m thinking, “If this sucker wants to stay in that bad…leave it.” Of course there’s no sharing because they’ve got the bite block in and my mouth is filled with hands and needles and apparently scalpels.

Another 10 minutes and I’m sewn up, filled with gauze and headed out to the ‘finance lady’ to pay my $100.00 bucks. I remember to ask about my prescriptions, which they don’t hand over until AFTER they run your debit card, I might add.

I went to the lobby asked the husband to take me home and go fill the pain prescription. I tell my husband as we’re leaving…well at least my deductible is met now. I also said I would do whatever is necessary to keep from EVER experiencing that again.

…and so 6 pain killers later…lesson learned is…remember to floss daily! And to save for any extra dental work!

Is it Monday already?

Telling My Story, Part II

2009-04-10T13:06:00.002-05:00

Age 40-45

Well, since I’m doing this in reverse, I think the next memory stone would really be my 40th birthday. Yes, I know that’s a huge 5 year gap but I’ll cover the gist of that 5 years in this one post…you’re scared aren’t you...me too!

My 40th birthday was actually really sweet. My dear husband attempted to have a surprise party for me with all our ‘closest’ friends, but since 6 people weren’t enough for a decent surprise party…he invited nearly our entire church, to our 1500 s.f. home. He was in school and working…so guess who ‘threw’ the party? Yep, me…mostly. It was fine really. That way I felt more in control of it and Lord knows I like control, even more so back then.

We limited the gifts to what people could create or make on their own. That was the most wonderful part, seeing what people could create.

My 40th birthday was unfortunately also a time when I was deeply struggling with our infertility and Satan had me fully convinced that I was not worthy to have a child and God would NEVER give me a child because of my sin and my past and I was basically a bad person. Of course it didn’t make it any easier seeing people pop out babies right and left…including those who didn’t even want children.

The turning point for me came after reading this book, by this person, which I happened to WIN at the CWA site. I blogged about it here and here. It absolutely changed my life when I realized God wasn’t angry with me…His plan was just something different. By then I was 43, so you see it wasn’t overnight. I still thought about it some and hurt about it often, but God and my loving husband helped me realize God had another plan. Part of that plan is to remind other mothers’ regularly to LOVE those babies and to LOVE those kids and to LOVE those teenagers and to LOVE those annoying young adults and to LOVE those grandbabies…because it could have gone another way.

Part of that plan is still unknown to me because I choose to continue to swing back and forth from God’s playground to the enemies. God says He’ll use me when I’m willing and when I’m fully His. I just keep playing paddy cake with the enemy…

My 40th birthday was also a time when I had lost ALMOST all my extra weight. I looked better than I had ever as an adult. I also quit smoking when I was 40. Sadly… over the past 5 years I’ve gained almost all that weight back, but I will NEVER smoke again! I keep thinking I’ll eventually lose this extra weight, but even if I don’t I’m ALMOST at a place where it doesn’t completely debilitate me anymore.

The other BIGGEE for me during the first half of this 4th decade has been the church-shopping experience. Since 2003 we’ve been to:

The Edge – I fell clean off that edge.
Church on the Rock – Gun-toting members…so NOT kidding.
Bridgeway – Not one person spoke to us and we went twice!
People’s Church – Really great church but not where we belong.
Real Church – average age 17-21, we would DEFINITELY be the oldest!
Northwest Christian Center – Sweet, sweet people, but the pastor put me to sleep…seriously!
NorthView – Not allowed to wear jeans and I just can’t do that. God doesn’t care what I wear!
Passion Church – Scared me and my HUSBAND…not easy to do!
New Church – Good solid church, but a bit too liberal (can you believe I’m saying that?)
Journey Fellowship – Great church, GREAT Pastor, I just couldn’t agree with the bylaws and constitution. Still the saddest church departure for both my husband and me! We LOVE these people and this church! This is where I went through some great spiritual healing.
Passion Church – Scared my HUSBAND!
NorthChurch – I’m just not ready for a MEGA-CHURCH yet.
The Gathering – where we landed for …such a time as this!

Suffice to say I feel like a serial ‘church-dater’ and frankly if I could find even a semi-great home church that’s where I would STILL go!

I think that is probably enough for this chapter and I leave this age with sweet & bittersweet memories. I truly have loved being in my 40’s because it has been a time when I didn’t have to focus on the outward as much and a time when God helped me focus on the inward and such sweet, sweet healing.

Passing Passover

2009-04-09T19:28:00.000-05:00

It started off innocent enough with an employee joking around and stating she had converted to Judaism and needed off for Passover.

I was completely ready for her antics and said… “Oh, could I read your essay for conversion? I remember when my friends converted and they had to write an essay in order to be reviewed for conversion!”

Of course she just laughed it off. But this little joking conversation brought up the conversation of Passover…yep right here at work! With the exception of one employee, I believe all 12 of my team members were at least raised in a Church-attending home. I know some of them don’t currently attend church and struggle with their faith…I figure these conversations always help renew MY faith in God and I’m hopeful they do the same for others.

In any event, two of the most ‘zealous’ believers (people who have made comments about their faith) didn’t know a thing about Passover and what it represented or what it meant to us as Christians. I gave them a little info then told them to read their Bibles last night and lo’ and behold they both did and could tell ME about Passover this morning.

Today I’m thankful for THE blood and for freedom of speech!

Greater Expectations!

2009-04-08T13:02:00.000-05:00

I had a disagreement with one of my friends…actually, my oldest friend. We sort of have a history of disagreements and usually the argument ends with acceptance that we are different people and have different expectations.

I have really been hurt by this friend and I’m not even sure she even knows it. You see she is a 99% Sanguine/1% Melancholy. She has a million and a half friends and has never met a stranger. She is the proverbial extrovert! She is sweet and kind and giving of her time…and therein lies part of my problem.

I am Choleric-Melancholy…with a heavy dose of Melancholy. For those of you who haven’t studied temperament it has been the greatest indicator of my actions and reactions and I would encourage you to study the temperaments with your spouses or loved ones. In any event what it means is I am extroverted (in an aggressive sense) and I am introverted with my feelings and tend to get them hurt easily. I am the person who gets her feelings hurt when I’m removed from someone’s blogroll for crying out loud! AND…I have great expectations of my friends.

On the flip side I tend to be more careful with others’ feelings and can relate empathetically to most people who have been hurt.

I was basically taking inventory of the friendships I have and I’m feeling in a bit of a drought lately. I asked my husband (and my mother) why I didn’t have close friends and they both assured me I would probably never meet a friend like I am. Isn’t that a nice, pat answer. Of course with this insight the enemy began to ride me about expecting far too much, after all people are only human and they probably don’t care that much about anyone but themselves anyway.

Leave it to the Reaper to make an uncomfortable situation a bit worse!

I’ve been ruminating on it this week as I continue this inventory and consider my past friendships as well. You see in my temperament it would be fairly easy to ‘hide in a closet’ and become a loner of sorts. I would be a bit sad for a while but the walls would re-form and eventually God & I would have the ‘come to Jesus’ meeting about relationships.

I’m going to T*R*Y to go the other direction. Seek God NOW and ask him to help me with the 7X70 thing again and again and again! And help me find and nurture friendships that He desires.

Telling My Story, Part I

2009-04-06T17:54:00.005-05:00

I've decided to do a multi-post recording 'my story'. It's not so much for you as it is for me.

I worked on my 'mask' this weekend and God showed me it's still full of junk I should be fully over by this point in my life. Apparently I had been snuffing a lot of these feelings because the pen began to work on it's own until I looked at what I'd done in a short amount of time and was a bit surprised.

I'll show you a picture just so you can see my starting point. It's obviously not finished yet, but I had to get the yucky stuff over with. I'll post the outside tonight and perhaps, later on in my story, I'll show you the inside.

The 1st thing I did was wire the mouth shut and outline the eyes.

I've never really felt 'heard' for most of my life. Obviously my husband hears me and my captive audience here 'hears' me (at least the me I want to share)...but most of the time I feel like what I have to say doesn't really matter.

I outlined the eyes because that is the me most everyone sees first. That is what I got compliments for...as far as appearances. I always wondered if that is why I got this droopy eyelid syndrome as an adult because that was the one feature about myself that I felt 'loved' for. Now I have two unequal eyes that...to me...look a bit freakish. Add to that the signs up aging that seem to appear almost over night.

I was glad to see that I do feel peace about where I am in my life right now and I can honestly say that at 45 years of age I feel more prepared to tell my story than ever before.

Because I have such scattered and few early childhood memories I think I'll do this in reverse
and see where we end up...

Today I am a woman who is loved beyond words by a husband she is blessed to have been married to for 10 1/2 years. I work outside my home and we have no children. I am okay with it now. It used to be quite painful and I've shared much of that pain here...but I trust God and what His plan is and for now...it's no children. I've basically accepted that we will probably never have children of our own or even adopted. We have spiritual children and that seems to be enough.

The UPside to being without children is that I am able to see friends (that are parents') and encourage them to be the very best parent they can be and to cherish every moment with their children because these moments are truly special and should NEVER be taken for granted. The other upside is Paul and I have been able to keep our focus on each other and I think our communication has improved because it's just the two of us.

I don't love my job and I am one of those people who wonder if I should be somewhere else...but again, I trust God led me to this job and will lead me out when the time is right. Oh...and I've never LOVED any job after awhile. Suffice to say I get bored easily!

My dream is to open a coffee shop/bakery with some friends of ours and/or write full time. Instead I stay behind the safety of this online journey and working the 8-5 job.

Today's memory stone is a reminder from Esther (can't help but pull from that recent study)...I have a divine destiny that is just waiting to be fulfilled...and every part of my story is a part of that destiny...a divinely inspired part of that destiny.

Mask-To-Her-Aid

2009-04-03T13:14:00.003-05:00

Masquerade’s can be a ‘ball’ (pun intended) and it’s fun to dress up (every once in awhile) like some heroine in history or even a fictional beauty we create only in our dreams. But many of us (ahem…myself included) are much too reliant on masks to make it through our days, weeks…lifetimes.

I had the wonderful opportunity to go back to CAYA last night, which is a women’s ministry group that resumed after a bit of a hiatus. I love this ministry, the premise, the history, the meaning of the word. It’s a “Come As You Are” gathering of women and believe me when I say…we do. Women come as they are physically, emotionally, socially…in every sense of the term.

In any event, the ‘leader’, a woman after God’s own heart, spoke to us last night about the masks we wear. She reminded us that sometimes these masks are self-imposed and we willingly take on masks to cover what we deem as unworthy or even unlovable.

Personally I have masks of every color. I can put on a happy mask, a mask of brilliance (one of my personal favorites), a spiritual mask, and obviously the list goes on and on. We all took a mask home last night to keep during this season of reviewing these masks and we can do with them whatever God leads us to do with them. They can be ‘blinged out’ with gems and jewels, or colored black or covered in scripture or just returned exactly as they are. But eventually we will gather together with these masks again and do a bit of a ‘show & tell’ of what God revealed to us during this unmasking.

I know it will be cathartic and healing and most of all HARD. There are so many masks I’m not sure I can even pry off if I try, but I will pray… and listen… and wait…

More than anything else I’m excited to be involved with this group of women, new friends and old. This is most assuredly, just what God ordered!

I hope you have a mask-free weekend! Unless of course it’s one of those facial massage type masks where you get the mud pack and…well you know what I mean.

Busted!

2009-03-22T16:17:00.002-05:00

I went into the restroom this morning...just for a quick trip, in and out.

I had also left my book in there from previously in the week. I picked it up and basically got lost in my reading.

Pretty soon there was a knock at the door. And my wonderful husband saying...

"You know, you can read out here."

...yeah, I know...BUSTED!

I AM Loved!

2009-03-09T20:05:00.003-05:00

I have been uncertain what areas to serve in at the church we are now attending, but I've watched as one of the women I really care about has run herself just about ragged trying to take on TOO much at a church that has more than enough people to help.

Suffice to say, I finally felt compelled to really help her out. The hubs and I started out by spending the weekend helping paint, organize, pull together the newly redone children's rooms at church.

Then on Sunday, I went in to 'kidsplace' to see if perhaps this is an area I could help. I was hesitant, because it's been a LONG time since I've served in the children's area. My passion is more adult women, but I see this area is really in need of some help.

So during the lesson "loving one another", as I sat and pondered what I could offer... this young lady (5 y.o.) finished her project and we told them they could give their 'gift of love' to anyone they wanted...well she came up to me and gave me her gift of love.

That's the picture of that gift above. I will proudly display it in my house as the gift from an angel!

As usual, God used this small child to show me His love through her. I reached out for a hug and left church feeling like I had been touched by God.

God really is good...all the time.

Thank you Lord for using these children to reveal your wisdom to me! And YES, I'll go again.

Mind Revival

2009-03-06T13:04:00.002-06:00

There is always lots of STUFF going on in our lives. That’s why we’re supposed to experience the journey and not skip ahead, fully relishing every lesson and experience, good AND bad.

Here’s my journey these days:

My FAVORITE women’s group “Come As You Are” (CAYA) is resuming not church-affiliated, for all women…
Work is unstable and more layoffs are coming…
My husband still amazes me with his love everyday…
Niece still refuses to move away from abusive boyfriend…
The weather is so SPRING-LIKE…
Church is just a place to go on Sunday morning…
I get to go hear an incredible Choir this weekend…
Negative Nelly (in the cubicle in front of me) has reached an all time low in negativity…
Negative Nelly reminds me to renew my mind daily…
Paint fumes at work are burning my eyes…
Our department renovations are almost complete…

I got a new CD last weekend. It’s the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir, “I’ll Say Yes” (click that link to hear some of the cd) I had forgotten how incredible it is to hear 290 voices all singing together to create an absolute angelic sound. Though from what I understand the angel chorus will be something none of us has EVER even come close to experiencing.

There is a song on this cd that I use each day as part of my ‘renew your mind daily’, it’s called “I Never Lost My Praise”.

I’ll share some of the lyrics here…

I’ve lost some good friends along life’s way
Some loved ones departed in heaven to stay
But thank God I didn’t lose everything.

I’ve lost faith in people who said they cared
In the time of my crisis they were never there
But in my disappointment in my season of pain
One thing never wavered, one thing never changed.

I never lost my HOPE
I never lost my JOY
I never lost my FAITH
But most of all
I never lost my PRAISE!

It goes on but trust me you need to hear this song!

So I’m sitting here in my MIND REVIVAL just focusing on God’s plan that overrides everything and everybody else!

Greatest Compliment

2009-03-05T21:25:00.001-06:00

I think I’ve mentioned I work as a supervisor and it is not a very glamorous job. I get the un-fun job of redirecting staff and resolving many a disagreement, as well as occasionally disciplining staff for various things. I’ve been able to maintain a level of ‘decency’ about it because I have had SO many NOT-SO-GREAT supervisors and I think the negative examples are far more memorable than the positive one.

To make a long story short I am able to function as a supervisor (keeping the professional distance necessary to prevent additional problems), but also really witness (through my own life) what I believe God calls us to be at work…real, broken, repentant, willing, forgiving, loving servant! If I can be this at work, I’ve done my job.

Today one of the staff people gave me the greatest compliments…she’s on another team, but I work with her daily. Today after I helped her with something she told me I’m “made of Awesome”.

Awe shucks! It made my day! Well that and over 80 degree weather!

BB Come Home

2009-03-01T10:57:00.002-06:00

My niece (whom I call BB) has had a heck of a year. This is the same niece I've written about so many times. The niece that miscarried a baby last year. The niece that moved in with a 'not-so-loving' boyfriend. The niece that is in fairly constant pain. The niece that is a gifted poet. The niece that cares about others' more than herself.

I know she is torn about what to do and where to go. I'm just praying that she knows...to come home...is not to fail. To come home is to rest and regroup and find the love we all need when we need a 'rewind'.

BB, I'm seriously praying you take this chance and hit the rewind button and just come home.

Things I'm Not

2009-02-18T17:18:00.000-06:00

In our Beth Moore study a week or so ago, Beth reminded us not to focus on things we’re ‘not’, rather to focus on things we are.

So of course immediately Satan has been reminding me of all the things I’m not. I thought I’d get them off my chest here and then move forward to a new focus.

I am NOT…
A size 2
Even a size 12
A published author
A successful artist
A business owner
A doctor
An architect
A comedian
A gifted singer
Queen of a nation
Perfectly Symmetrical
A Mother
A Grandmother
Perfect by any standard
Sinless

I AM forgiven and redeemed and exactly who I am supposed to be at this moment in time.

I am loved by God.

Take that Satan!

Happy President's Day

2009-02-16T10:12:00.002-06:00

You know what I love MOST about President's Day?

A day off!

I know, I know, I should be thankful we live in a free country with democracy and so many things we take for granted.

But more than that...today...I'm thankful for a day off.

How am I spending that day?

Well...went to breakfast with the hubs...going to the doctor this morning, then to see a movie.

We've seen TONS of movies lately. Today we're seeing 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'.

Yesterday we saw, 'He's Just Not That Into You'. It was alot better than I expected and it touched me as much as it entertained me.

I saw a comment from Dawn about my new 'do' and I am going to try to post a picture of it; however, my picture dealy hasn't been working so great with my new computer. I may have to log into NON-Vista IE.

I'll give it a try and see if I can get a pic up!

Happy President's Day. Enjoy the day!

Oh My!

2009-02-12T20:19:00.006-06:00

I did it.

I started obsessing about my sagging eyes.

It's no coincidence that this is the week of Beth Moore's "Esther" study when the focus question was: "It's tough being a woman when beauty is a treatment". We talked about Esther 2, where the most beautiful women were secluded and went through a year of beauty regimen to vie for the King's affection and ultimately a crown.

So...I started looking at my face this morning and I rarely take that close a look. I've honestly never been really vain. But I pulled that extra eyelid skin back and then the whole chin and face thing and I had to rebuke myself right then.

I am 45. I look exactly as I should at this point.

Could I make improvements?

According to the world's standard...YES!

...but honestly I think this is the ME God embraces; exactly where I am tonight.

It does help that I had my hair done and it looks awesome! I have the world's best hairstylist, who just happens to be our Pastor's lovely daughter.

I'm growing to love her and she can work miracles with hair.

I am ready to face this weekend of "love" with a good attitude and a great haircut.

Happy Valentine's Day!

A Glimpse of Her

2009-02-03T21:11:00.001-06:00

Every once in awhile I watch her and I don’t think she knows I’m there.

She may be heading out to school or off to her first job. She’s so full of hope and a certainty that nothing can keep her from her dreams. She is full of life and speaks with assurance that her dreams will become her reality.

She wants to change the world. She wants to help make it a better place. I don’t have the heart to try to dissuade her. Who knows…maybe she’ll succeed. Maybe she’ll go further than the one before her could. Maybe she’ll make more headway then I could.

I watch her as she interacts with others. She is shy and introverted only to a point. When her passions are flamed she becomes much more outgoing and outspoken. She will NOT watch another suffer if she can help it. She is a champion of the underdog, the cheerleader of the losing team.

I watch her apply the smile each day. She smiles at what the day can become.

I watch her shed the tears each night. She cries for what the day became.

She is young and she will survive. She will take with her the wisdom of these daily lessons. She will leave behind the uncertainty of her youth. She will walk away changed.

Now as she sits at this computer writing these words, she remembers…without regret…the girl she used to be. The glimpse of her before.

Forgetful Forgiveness

2009-01-25T19:01:00.003-06:00

God spoke to me this morning and unlike the occasionally whispering, he was very clear about what he had to tell me.

You see, prior to going to church, I pretty much told God I just wasn't sure about this whole church thing... I know, I know, same story over and over with me.

As we began worshipping, I asked God to prepare my heart to receive the message and to hear Him.

God didn't waste any time before he let me know my unforgiveness is what is holding me back in church(es). I am holding on to unforgiveness going all the way back to my first experiences in church...and some of my recent experiences as well.

I asked God to reveal it to me in His time and help me move through it and while attending a church potluck today, I actually felt at peace and had some fun...for a change. These things usually make me feel so uncomfortable, but not today.

In God timing I realized as I visited with a friend today about our personal study: "Hiding From Love", that I also had unforgiveness in an answer to questions about my 'hiding'.

Thank you God for revealing my hidden heart and helping me release and forgive and forget!

Proverbs 27:5 "Better is open rebuke, then hidden love."

Silent Night...and Day...For Days!

2009-01-21T19:58:00.004-06:00

I started attending the new Beth Moore study on Esther last night at our church. Beth Moore does exhaust me...in a good way...and inspires me...in an even better way. Last night in the intro she talked about her own testimony and the recent experience of NOT FEELING God's presence in her life.

I have so been there very recently. Everything she spoke about I could totally relate to. In perfect Beth Moore fashion, she talked about this experience and how horrible it was to not FEEL anything or HEAR anything and wondering...where is God?

I've been wondering the same thing. The voice that absolutely rings constantly in my ears has been silent for awhile. I keep asking and praying, but I don't always hear anything back, as a matter of fact, for several weeks I heard NOTHING. It's hard not to get discouraged during these periods of silence.

What Beth pointed out and what I'm absolutely hoping for, is at the end of this time of quiet comes revival and new renewal when those Spiritual ears are blown open by the sounds of His voice once again.

Now I'm waiting in silence...

Negative Nelly

2009-01-08T17:53:00.001-06:00

There is a woman who sits in the cubicle in front of me and she is truly one of the most negative people I've ever met. She complains about work, health, daughter-in-law, co-workers, traffic, economy, politics, religion, food, pens, computers, her sister, her mother. You name it…she complains about it.

There are some days when I can just ignore it. Some days I find myself trying to pull her to the other side of her self-dug pit. Some days I find myself inching towards the negative myself. Some days I want to build a protective SOUND-PROOF wall around my cubicle so I don’t have to hear it anymore!!!

Today is that day. I've absolutely had it up to the droplet of hairspray from the top of my head. I think about what God is showing me in my quest for gentleness in 2009. How do I deal? Do I speak up? Do I pray aloud at my desk? Do I pray silently for myself? Do I give her a verbal warning (yes, she’s one of my staff people)? Do I plug into my MP3 and forget-about-it?
At this point, 8:04 in the a.m. I’m just not on board yet!

I want to give her a good head-womp and remind her she is alive, she has a beautiful grandson, a job (in a not so secure time), a new car, clothes to wear, food to eat, family that loves her, and boss at her wits end. Not to mention the fact that she is a Christian so she has a SAVIOR who died for her! I wonder how small God is to people who find themselves wallowing in their negativity.

…oh and God wasn't kidding when He said: “We have the power of life and death on our tongues.”

This woman is a killer.

The 8th Dwarf?

2009-01-07T17:48:00.004-06:00

I went back to work today after a two-day hiatus while I was down with strep and a staph infection. It was 'good' to be back, but it also reminds me that this job, while a blessing financially is also a HUGE drain of my energy and creativity. I just feel so 'zapped' by the end of a day.

I don't doubt that God placed me here, but I am beginning to get the urgings for something else. I don't think it's the boredom thing this time...I honestly think it's almost time for something to change in my life...something regarding vocation. Too many days I really do feel like one of the dwarf's, only I'm not singing about my work.

I'm thinking 2009 is going to be a bit more about me and what I was created to do and if that's to supervise a billing & collections department for an insurance company...I'm there...but if it's not...then I'm getting ready!

Life is too short to work somewhere longer than God intended.

2008 Year in Review

2009-01-06T10:35:00.003-06:00

Another year has come and gone and I've been thinking about what lessons I've learned and where I'm going in 2009.

I've learned...
I am still on a journey,
Health is extremely valuable and a bit more fragile than we realize,
Family is everything...but is also self-defined,
Our jobs are not necessarily our destiny...sometimes they are a catalyst to something else,
People continue to astound and amaze me...both good and bad,
Love doesn't make the world go round'...but it does make the ride better.

I don't do resolutions because they seem to fizzle and die before the first ice melts. I do have goals for 2009.

I hope to...
Serve; somehow, somewhere,
Bring a spirit of gentleness,
quit focusing on to-do's and focus more on to-be's,
Live the questions, instead of stagnating in the answers,
Trust Jeremiah 29:11,
...and journal the experience...

Exhaling

2008-11-05T13:18:00.002-06:00

This campaign season has been the same as every major campaign before. I’m disappointed that we choose to focus on the negative campaigning rather than seeking the truth about any candidate. I’m disappointed that we haven’t shifted to a party-free, popular-vote system…but more than anything I’m disappointed in many “Christians”.

I've heard more disparaging remarks and negativity at my small group than in any other setting. I don’t know if it’s the openness welcomed in this setting, but it has been downright uncomfortable on many occasions and I have found myself near walking out several times.

For someone to tell me I am less of a ‘Christian’, or to question my love for God based on my politics, dug into me hard. But for once in my ‘going-on-45-years’…I did not say a word. I listened and steamed and took deep breaths and drank coffee and wanted so much to engage in the battle…but God said “NO”. I didn't say a word.

Well that’s not entirely true, there was one evening I did say…only half in jest… ‘if we don’t change the subject I’m going to have to leave.’ The group leader did a good job of redirecting conversation back to our study information.

Suffice to say, I’m glad it’s over…or nearly so and as I've been saying all along, it doesn't really matter who is in office…GOD IS ULTIMATELY IN CONTROL! I will continue to pray for our politicians and for our nation and believe we are greater united. I will not gloat, nor will I weep with these people at this week’s meeting. I will once again keep my mouth shut and pray for the peace we have allowed to be compromised during this election.

…and now I will slowly exhale…

Zoom Lens

2008-10-29T17:20:00.004-05:00

I love in photography how close you can get to a shot. Some of these telephoto lenses can zoom up so close you aren’t even sure what you’re looking at.

I’m not so crazy about this feature on my own face, as it tends to show every single skin blemish or discoloration from years of sun abuse with application of sunscreen a year too late. It shows my freckles and wrinkles and ‘age’ spots. The zoom features shows it all and gets me stressing about my ‘imperfections’.

However, when you pull that zoom feature back and take a picture from 5-10 feet…it’s much more forgiving. The little tiny imperfections don’t seem nearly so daunting. I’ve come to realize the same is true in life.

Our pastor spoke last week about our tendency to ‘zoom in’ on all our problems and challenges. We zoom in so tight it appears the only thing we have is problems or challenges. Sometimes we need to zoom OUT and look at the bigger picture. We’ll begin to see just how BIG that problem or challenge is or isn’t.

We zoom out and see family and friends and others’ with even bigger problems and challenges. We see our city and state. We zoom out even more and begin to see this great big universe we live in and isn’t it amazing how much smaller our own problems seem and how absolutely and utterly amazing it is that God can hear our teeny tiny voice among the gazillions of others…and He cares enough to answer our prayers.

I don’t know about you, but I’m going to work on zooming out of my own problems and challenges and see them for what they are...

I am...

2008-10-19T13:50:00.003-05:00

I got this from over at B Brats place and it looked 'insightful', so I thought for lack of anything better to write about, I'd use it as an excercise.

I AM … an 'old' soul.
I WANT … to help change the world...for good!
I HAVE … everything I could ever need.
I KEEP … secrets.
I WISH I COULD … fly.
I HATE … prejudice and the enemy's mind games.
I FEAR … spiders!
I HEAR … whatever I open myself to.
I DON’T THINK … I could ever be a politician.
I REGRET … nothing. Everyting I have done or experienced is the culmination of who I have become.
I LOVE … my husband, with my whole heart!
I AM NOT … weak.
I DANCE … during worship.
I SING … all the time! and I make up songs too.
I NEVER … pass up chocolate.
I REALLY … thank God for my health!
I CRY WHEN I WATCH … so many things...
I AM NOT ALWAYS … beautiful on the inside or the outside.
I HATE THAT … I cry so easily.
I AM CONFUSED ABOUT … my life's path right now.
I NEED … to study God's word more often.
I SHOULD … Thank my husband for all he does.
I NEED ... to remember.

Since we're on this insight journey I came across a wonderful quote from a magazine. I don't have the source, but here's the quote:

"Heroes are not people who save the world. Heroes are people who serve the world."

Think about that!

Swimming Upstream

2008-10-07T17:16:00.001-05:00

My heart is feeling for the salmon this morning. Their battle upstream is often times accompanied by danger and injury and sometimes it’s even fatal. I feel like I am also swimming upstream; however mine is not an innate behavior, it is learned…it is a calling.

I’ve been facing many obstacles lately. Many of these obstacles are due to this ‘calling’. Now I would be the first to admit I’ve been the type of person that often takes the opposite stand (whether it’s my stand or not) on issues. Perhaps it’s a natural desire to debate. Perhaps it’s my flesh crying out for war. Whatever it is, I have grown somewhat accustomed to being on the ‘other’ side of many a popular voice.

My position at work requires that sometimes I get the ‘not-so-fun’ task of redirecting others, or reminding others of the task at hand. People don’t like to be redirected…heck I don’t like to be redirected or reminded.

My political beliefs don’t always line up perfectly with those around me. Sometimes they do…though more often they don’t. And that’s okay. I’ve found its okay to let others’ go on and on and I just quietly listen. I’ve also learned how ridiculous these people come across. I think sometimes the harder you verbally fight for something the less its worth fighting for. I’ve also seen the immaturity of these actions and relish the fact that I am past that point in my life.

My personal beliefs and ethics don’t always line up perfectly with those around me. And that’s okay too. Once again, unless God asks me to speak, I’m working to keep my own mouth quiet and use those two things on the side of my head to process incoming information from a higher authority.

I think what I’m trying to lean on is I did not make these choices alone. I believe the choices I have made, the passion I have is for a reason. I am also trying to remember that the salmon do not swim alone. They swim together and use that as another way of ‘encouraging’ one another upstream. I’ve felt myself pulled downstream in some areas of my life lately, but I’m back on track and pushing upstream once again.

Evolution of a Dummy?

2008-09-28T08:18:00.005-05:00

First of all I know no one will read this because there are no 'dummies' here. I just got to thinking about all the Dummies books in existence and what it means to us as the consumer of these products.

After a bit of online research I found that the first Dummies book was published in 1991 and it was on DOS, one of the original operating systems...not a fun one from the user end. Since then there have been over 450 titles and they are millions of these books published in 5 languages.

I think they appeal because of their very basic language. It's a way of catching the 'dummy' in us; up to the amateur or even expert user of whatever lesson we're learning. My husband bought the "Dieting for Dummies", before embarking on his first 'official' diet. That is a life lesson I already had from a lifetime of dieting (maybe it's a gender thing). He also had the "Golf for Dummies". that I purchased for him when he graduated College.

I've personally read the "No-Brainer's Guide to Jesus" and the "No-Brainer's Guide to the Bible". They are both very information books with a bunch of GENERALIZED and fairly 'bipartisan' (if I can use that term) information. They are written by professionals and individuals who have researched these topics extensively. There are interesting facts and figures included in these books that would be helpful in any game of Trivia.

My whole thought process revolved around the evolution of these books. Before we became so diverse and technical and ever 'evolving' on the mother-earth, we existed and learned things from teachers and by trial/error. We have become people who dissect everything we can think of and UPGRADE as many things as we put our hands on. We also want the most generalized, concise information we can get.

Why do we do this? I wonder if it's a God-lesson. I wonder if it's the enemies interference and way of distracting us from our purpose. Sometimes I think we become so focused...even overly focused on UNDERSTANDING everything, that we lose site of the lesson, the experience of learning and the depth of a real education on the subject.

I'm not saying these books aren't helpful or hilarious to read, because they are and there are millions of published books that help defend that hypothesis. What I am saying is what price are we paying in our quest for worldly knowledge? Are we sacrificing our quest for Godly wisdom?

I think Satan has us running circles as we upgrade phones, computers, televisions, cars, etc... so much so, that we have closed our Bible and our mind to the everlasting lessons that are held between those gild pages. I hope my personal evolution doesn't end as a DUMMY!

**side note: We went up to see my sister, niece and nephew yesterday. It was a 'full' day. The hubs was busy all day doing stuff with the nephew. I spent the day with my sister and niece. My niece is doing okay. She is still in pain, both physically and emotionally, but she KNOWS God has her back. She knows God has this baby because it is HIS creation. Thanks to all those who have prayed and are praying for this broken family.

Growing Pains

2008-09-25T13:17:00.001-05:00

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.” Hebrews 11:1

My precious niece had a miscarriage today. The pregnancy was not planned, but the baby was already loved in abundance by both my niece and the whole family. She had even been brave enough to ‘break it’ to my parents. They took it hard and cried many a tear over both my niece and that precious baby. She was about 9 weeks along.

I’m not sure what to think or say. I know I’m hurting for her and I can’t begin to image the pain she feels right now.

The well-known verse above is part of our church’s weekly reading. Not ironic, but God timed I’m certain. The first phrase really stuck in my head when I got the call about the baby.

Faith is the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for the evidence of things unseen.

Faith IS the SUBSTANCE (essence, reality) of things I hope for AND the evidence of things unseen. I can’t see where that baby is now. But I have an absolute assurance that he or she IS WITH GOD. My faith tells me so…every part of my ‘essence’ tells me so.

We all know growth comes with pain. I know my niece is in pain right now…and I know she’s growing! Her faith will grow. She has a new, albeit extremely painful, life experience that God is walking her through. She will take this day, this experience with her and it will forever be a part of her ‘testimony’ a memory to hold and cherish of the baby God gave her…for only 9 weeks.